Drowning in debt? Don't know how to get out? You are not alone. Come and share and find a way through ....

[Talkinpeece]

This thread is loosely linked to several previous ones on the same topic.

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
Everybody is welcome to share problems, ideas, solutions, but not be judgemental please

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help explain how
SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

Sorry to hear your situation zofloramummy I looked alot into IVAs before we decided to stay on debt management plan but I'm not sure at all about bankruptcy for our situation at first an IVA sounded like a Godsend but we then realised quickly that the less formal the better for us. who are you using? stepchange have been amazing with us talking DH through all his options and finding the right solution for us

Yes she is in school now. I didn’t have enough money to pay all of my outgoings so racked up credit card debt. I have a loan (defaulted). And a joint loan with my ex that I paid half of and then refused to pay the rest. He is (after a battle) paying it back at a low amount per month.
The mortgage is joint but the seeds are in my sole name.
I’m on a two bed property so no room for a lodger.
I get maintenance but it hasn’t gone up in 5 years. I just get told to tighten my belt! Due to the particular circumstances I have dd 100% of the time and ex has supervised access. That seriously limits my ability to work outside of childcare hours.

I had a failed relationship after my ex left, he turned into a cocklodger and cost me a lot of money. I’ve been an idiot but I need to try and turn this around without losing my home.

Zoflora
I'll second Stepchange. They are amazing.
How much have you still got on the card - do Standing order and ignore it till its gone.
Defaulted loan - talk to the lender see what they will negotiate.
Joint loan - see if you can get it put into your Ex's name solely ....

Work and rooms - no worries, its a common situation

Don't know what your skillset is but things like Mechanical Turk can earn the few extra pennies that take pressure off ....

It took a battle to get him to pay anything towards the loan. I doubt he will willingly take it on himself. He still seems to think I should pay for it even though it was a joint loan and we spent the money together.

My ex is tight fisted wanker!

He also complains about paying maintenance and never contributes to additional child expenses. He does spend a fortune on stuff for her, books, games, expensive toys. Nothing on clothes, trips, shoes.

Hmmm,
Scarily I'd suggest selling the "stuff" and giving her fewer meaningful things and using the money from his stuff to buy what she needs ;-)

Unfortunately she is 7 and would notice! Seriously though I’ve looked up the prices of some things and he probably spends well in excess of £200 for Xmas and birthdays! Whereas I buy throughout the year in sales.
Same for clothes I always get next years in the end of season sales. Or primary.

Primark not primary!

I’m also seriously considering retraining and doing my pgce next year. I’d actually be better off than in employment and obviously able to earn a higher salary afterwards

Zoflora - do you get paid while doing pgce? Or tax credits etc?

I really need a change of direction too. I’m self employed and have been as long as I can remember. Divorced mum of 3 (although DS1 is 18 and now earning so I will need to get a contribution from him)

I have about £8k on credit cards (0%) and a £2k overdraft which I dip in and out of, but basically my income is lower than my outgoings.

I’ve become accustomed to not really having to budget as I was running 3 separate businesses, but recently closed one as it was too much for me health/stress wise, so now living the same lifestyle but on half the money.

Tried to get some of the equity out of my house (£300k equity) but lender said that XH and I were already pushing it with the mortgage we have (I pay it, but it’s based on his income) and that they wouldn’t lend us any more, which is galling considering the level of equity in the house. I’m sitting on a pile of money but I can’t access it without selling up and uprooting my DCs

Looking forward to reading some more budgeting advice. Thanks for the thread

I qualify for a maintenance grant, a child support grant and a parent in learning grant. I would also still receive uc (reduced by £4K a year) but the other grants more than make that up. I would have to pay the fees either.

Wouldn’t have to pay the fees I mean! I’d qualify for a student loan.

That’s so frustrating for you to have that equity and not be able to access it.

There are salaried teaching training positions I'm going to apply for 2020 when my son will qualify for his 15 hours childcare but you do need classroom experience from what I've been told by the lady on the helpline I'm planning on getting this over the next year and 1/2.

I’m currently working as a TA. I’ve looked into the salaried jobs but unfortunately I’m in Wales and most of them are in England

I know I should tell my OH about the debt you are all right, but at the moment I just don't feel strong enough to, we are not getting on very well as it is. My relationship with money is a very unhealthy one. Part of it stems from my childhood as my parents were very careful with money and we hardly ever had new things. I didn't want the same for my DC wanted to be able to treat them to nice things.

Zoflora
Unfortunately she is 7 and would notice!
I didn't ..... it took me till I was around 17 to realise that my Mum had "amended" the "gifts" from my dad

Oldgrinch
Ah OK, so you resent your parents so are compensating with your kids
cool, but it has to be within your means.
The year my family were the most broke we agreed that each of us would buy ONE special thing from the charity shop for each other.
Total budget under £20
I still have it because means so much
and we have always been honest with our kids when money has been tight
Be honest and give them a hug. You cannot buy hugs.

I'm struggling at the moment 😔 and I'm so bloody ashamed of it all; I'm also another one who has hidden debts and I just want rid

I've worked out that if I take a break from paying my pension contributions (public sector final salary scheme) I could pay down all my debts in 3 years. Is this a crazy thing to do??

Hi there DirtyGirty you are in a safe place now.

Before messing about with your pension - what are the debts ?
Are they cards?
Can you Standing Order them?

If not, can you move to the 50:50 part of your scheme - so that you retain benefits while saving money.

Tell us more and we'll try to help .....

Thank you-I really appreciate having somewhere to talk about this

The debts are credit cards-2 of them and both currently in interest free periods but with massive balances. I was managing to make the minimum monthly repayments but circumstances have recently changed leading to an increase in childcare costs. I'm not going to be able to afford the childcare along with the monthly repayments is the long and the short of it

Oldgrinch I still strongly recommend you tell him but I get how scary it is and that you want to wait until your ready. I can tell you that I wish my husband had come to me while the debt was only 8000 he has £42000 he ran up most of his debt is actually fees and interest from trying to hide it. He did things like not set up a direct debit in case I noticed it then would miss the payment date because he couldn't keep track of what needed paying when. If he'd come to me at your point I'd have been mad but wouldn't of considered leaving him over it. The only thing that stopped me walking away from my DH was that 4 days after finding out my DS became very poorly poor little mite spent his 1st birthday in ICU in a hospital miles from home but DH was my rock the whole time. Hes even supported me telling my friends what he's done because my need for support is more important than his pride. He's not a bad man but his fear of me finding out became all consuming for him he shut me completely out of the finances and when I questioned it told me it was because my anxiety was bad and he was worried about my mental health which was awful that my DH thought I was so weak. My mum also warned me that she was sure he was in debt and when I questioned him he told me that she didn't like him because his family had been awful to me at the start of the relationship and he hadn't stuck up for me enough so he said she would never forgive him because of that so my relationship with my mum suffered too.
I also get the growing up broke thing can make you want things for your kids I had a strange childhood we were very well off until my mam and dad divorced we ended up with nothing at 13 and 10 my brother and me and my mam did car boot sales every weekend to pay our mortgage me and my brother had to sell our toys and stuff to keep a roof over our head and we failed and lost the house too. So I'm a saver as you never know when the situation will change. I honestly believed we had £2000 in savings as I'd seen bank slips saying we did what I was really seeing was all the money from DHs wages bounced into a savings account for a few minutes the bank slip printed and then bounced right back out! I even kept birthday money off my mum under the bed as an emergency fund he'd taken that too to buy food by the end I wasn't even allowed to do the food shopping he was so scared I'd go £1 over budget and realise we didn't have the money to pay for it. Sorry I seem to have wrote a dissertation but just wanted to get it all out its absolutely not a judgment of anyone who decides to hide debt because I haven't been in anyone's else's shoes so that's neither my place or my business but I wanted to show how stressful hiding the debt was on both of us. Our house is alot less stressful now I know, he's a better husband and dad he's better to be around and I have fun with him again alot of the time. I'm not madly in love with him which I was 2 months ago but he's still my best friend and I think for now that's enough he's trying very hard to. Recapture what we had and I hope we can.

onescared
a problem typed is a problem halved

dirtygirty
OK, childcare bills are rocketing - I assume your small person is under 8
are there any friends who could give you "free days" over the hols to take pressure off
sadly you NEED to keep hitting those bills
or
be willing to go talk to Stepchange and see what they can haggle with your cardholders
going to 50:50 may help, but it takes at least a month to do.

Do you have any 'tat' / old clothes you can sell on ebay / facebay
as every extra £50 can help

does your employer have any extra work coming up over Christmas
(would they notice if your child was under your desk with a colouring book on a double pay bank holiday )
I did it, my kids did it

its about thinking laterally
tough but worth it

Muma that sounds incredibly stressful for you I am so sorry it's been such an awful time and hope your DS is OK now? It sounds like your DH got himself in a right state trying to hide the debt what on earth did he spend £42 000 on