Husband hid 40k debt

[Onescaredmuma]

Please can anyone advise me i hope this will make sense in in complete shock.
My husband is my rock and the love of my life but I've just found out hes been hiding credit card debt totaling 40k what's worse is in the past both myself and my mum have suspected something was off and he has made me feel paranoid and like I don't trust him. He has started a debt management plan 3 months ago so we'll before I found out so this gives me a Ray of hope there is a chance for us he has said all the right things given me his bank cards and offered to go on a pre paid card for any living expenses but im not sure I can get over this the debt is bad enough (I've never even had a credit card) but the lying and making me doubt myself when I questioned him are making me doubt I know him at all. He has said I can take the kids and walk away debt free as everything is in his name and no bills with my name on have ever had so much as a late payment. Please can anyone advise me I feel like my world is falling apart

I could have wrote this exact post about my exH. He hid his credit card debt of £45k. I found out 3 years in with 2 babies.
He was on a dmp with payplan. He didn't tell me, I found out by opening a letter by accident. (Genuine accident) I hadn't suspected a thing beforehand. I had all the "I'm sorry/you can leave/I will change" scripts. I believed him. I had two small babies and I had become a wfhm on a small income....giving up a good career for raising the kids. (my choice and totally happy with it) He told me he would never lie again.
Fast forward 6 years (2 years ago) and he leaves me for OW, who it turns out he had been seeing on and off for years.
That's when it unravelled more.....
He had been claiming wtc for us and we had a big overpayment. I didn't realise we could claim as he had a good job. He had been putting it into his secret bank account and keeping that a secret. So when I went to set up my single mum claim, I was hit with 50% of the massive overpayment bill even tho I had not seen a penny.
Then the letters and phone calls started for his debt, not just to me but to his dad too.

I am just about to get the financial order agreed for the divorce. I recommend that whether you do stay or go that you get financial advice....even a free half hour session at the solicitor. They will tell you the real impact of his debt. I cried when I heard. Also be super wary if you have a mortgage together too.

Don't get me wrong, I sound bitter, but I am glad he is gone now. I am just so upset about how financially niave I was about him and the financial mess I got into with him.

Good luck with whatever happens but please do get independent financial advice if you are married.

First thing you should do OP is get yourself a copy of your credit file. Then you'll be able to see for yourself whether you're financially linked to any of this.

I would be taking the cards from him and get him on a basic account and transfer what he needs daily. Receipts for everything and I mean for everything. He's clearly poor with financial managing, so I'd be looking to take the responsibility of doing this from him. That said, the fact he's gone to great lengths to hide it from you (although you suspected something wasn't right) suggests there's a sneaky side to him that needs some serious thought from you on how you tackle him.

I say this with some experience. I hid some eye-watering debt from my family some years ago. I ended up driving myself into the ground, and doing some quite horrendous acts to keep it hidden while struggling on.

So as someone that lied, hurt and damaged people I love, deeply, even though now I've made amends that time for them was awful and for me too. It's not pretty or nice and your DH is contrite now, just be careful. If its a genuine horrible mess, without any other gross offences to you, then you may be able to come through it. Together & stronger. If he's just an utter cunt and is leading a double life, I'd prepare yourself with legal advice.

Take it one step at a time. Downgrade his bank account, get your credit report and begin.

Good luck.

Thank you that hadn't even occurred to me yet. I will look into it. I'm on a tiny wage as I'm only a dinner lady so I really don't know what I'm going to do I've moved with him to the other end of the country so all my family are hundreds of miles away. We have 3 kids aged from 6 to turning one next week. A day ago I would have said he was a completely devoted family man he never goes anywhere but work without me and the kids so I'm still clinging to that he wouldn't ever cheat or leave me but I am just realising how nieve I sound.
In the end I guessed one of his lies, I'd asked to see our savings he put the wrong information in 3 times on purpose to try and hide that they were empty when I said that's what I thought he had done he came clean. We do have a mortgage together so I just don't know how best to proceed or protect myself. He's the most caring man I've ever met i feel so safe with him or I did but I don't know if he's even now seen the seriousness of the situation. He's said he'll give me full financial control but how will I know if he juds goes and gets another credit card!
Sorry if this is too personal but did you have to pay his overpayment or did he have too pay it all? He's been recommended to go on an IVA and looking things over I think that might be for the best but I don't really know what to do it's such a big thing that affects our whole family we were hoping to move as we bought in not a great area we have a decent amount of equity but are on shares ownership so we haven't made a lot and houses here are ridiculous prices so it looks like we're stuck here in an area I'm afraid to to take my kids to the local park

MC thank you for telling the other side it sounds like you have really learned from your experience so you've given me some hope that DH can too. I really hope your right and there is a chance to come through this together although it's hard to see right now. He has promised to bring me all the details from step change tomorrow he's been dealing with it at work so I couldn't find any paperwork or accidentally see his email (his work email in only accessable from his work) at the moment I really believe this is the worst thing he's ever done and that he really is guilty all his excess spending is on the kids he works long hours and shifts so sometimes barely sees them and he moved us to where we have no family or support so he feels guilty and overindulges them he's already said he will sell everything he has that is worth anything and I am willing to sell my jewellery (all my mum gave me when we got married but it's worth about 3k it's the only stuff I have worth anything and I'd hoped to give it to my girls but needs must)

I think what I need to know has anyone gotten through the other side of this. Did anyone forgive and find in the end that partner lived up to the forgiveness and actually change. I really believe my husband when he says he is sorry but it sounds like every other person who has done this has said the same and I've not seen any story where the partner changed and got themselves together (I've been reading up on this a lot through the night) I've only slept about 45 minutes all night and have not stopped thinking about this I truly want to forgive him work our way through it and be stronger than ever but I can't help the doubt that he'll never change and his standard go to will always be to lie to me.

Rarerabbit - similar happened to my friend and even though they are now divorced, 8 years later baliffs are still turning up at her home looking for him and getting aggressive with her.

Go to CIFAs and let them know you suspect your dh is fraudulently applying for credit in your name, then request a full credit report. If you call them they can arrange it to be emailed or posted to another address. Also ask them about putting a password on your credit file so no credit applications can be approved without it. Then leave this idiot.

Please do not sell your jewellery. This is not your debt to pay back and you will eventually resent him for making you do it.

Also, you may need that money in the future for yourself. My divorce has cost be over £8000 so far

OP out of interest what was he spending the money on?

What did he spend it on?

What did he spend the money on?

I’m sorry but I would find this unforgivable. Worse than cheating. He has put your future and comfortable family life at risk. As you are married there could be financial implications for you, I would leave him and seek legal advice. Please do not sell your jewellery to pay his debts. People who have this kind of debt usually never change mindset and will always have money problems.

Hope you are okay anyway, it must have been a massive shock.

Depends where it was going. I know a lady who racked up £20k because she wanted her dc to have stuff other kids had, swimming lessons, music lessons, trips, then car repairs, specs, dentist bills crept up. And her DH was salrting it away.

I think for me the damage would of been done. I would always be worrying in the future about money and if he would take anything out in my name. If I didn't get a monthly credit report it is so easy to do and make everything paperless.

I would maybe, maybe, consider staying if he spent the money on family expenses in a misguided attempt to make up a shortfall between incomings and day to day family outgoings (although if that was the case he should have talked to you about ways to earn more or spend less). If he spent the money on anything else, it would be game over.

I agree with H1ding.

Knowing where the money has been going is critical. If it has been legitimate household spending then you've been living beyond your means as a family and will need to make some considerable and painful adjustments. If it's been going anywhere else you have far bigger problems than the debt itself.

I agree regarding knowing where the money was going . Was it being used for the household? If he never goes anywhere- then was it being used to augment the family income? And does that mean you will have to take a hit also to deal with this, or look for a new job?

Thank you for your responses it appears that he took out the first card when our car failed it's MOT to cover the bill and then from there is spiralled he put petrol on it thinking he would pay it later meals and little top up shops on it so that we had money left in the joint account and I didn't worry. then the repayments became so high he couldn't afford them and our outgoings so he missed payments and ballance transferred until it was completely out of control. I'm a mess I've been on the phone all morning with my family trying to decide whether I should stay or go strangely all my family are urging me to stay despite never being his biggest fans in the first place but we have three kids so leaving is not simple

Oh dear.

I don't think you can make a decision either way until you get the opportunity to sit down and go through every purchase and transaction with a fine tooth comb.

Family stuff/bills/shopping yeah ok, hotels/betting/online porn/web cam stuff no way.

Agree with pp that you need to get a copy of your credit report to see if any of this has directly impacted on yourself.

I'd also check that he hasn't remortgaged the house.

Well on the face of it it looks as though he did it for his family; there wasn't enough coming in and you were talking about moving.

I 'll get flamed I'm sure but you are in it together and need to get out of it together. You will have to spend less and bring more in.

So it sounds like you (your family) have been living above your means for some time and the money has been spent on every day items rather than things for him or anything dodgy?

If this is the case, then I think you have to take some of the responsiblity - did you not realise that the family outgoings were higher than their incomings? If not, why not?

Why do your family not like him if he 8s such a nice caring guy?
I think trying to support a family on practically one wage is difficult and could easily spiral out of control but ye need to have a business meeting once a week to look at all finances and make sure ye are living within your means. Can he take on another job to help clear this?

If he can deceive you over money & debt I would also wonder what else he would lie about

I was your husband 6 years ago. 35k in debt on cards and nothing to really show for it. I was hiding statements and bills and using the cards to make the payments do my hubbie didnt notice from the joint account. I ended up Ill trying to keep it altogether.
When I finally had my lbm (lightbulbmoment) I told him everything. He was so angry and left for 2 days, he said I better have a plan in place to sort it. Money saving expert debt free wannabe forum was a life saver, have a wee look if you get the chance. So many people in similar circumstances. I called stepchange and they were amazing. I was on a debt management plan for 5 years but paid every penny back. It was tough and we struggle.
It actually made our relationship stronger, I always took full responsibility for the finances so it made my hubbie become more involved, he was happy to take a back seat till that happened. I'll never take credit again as I've learnt my lesson. We bought our first house last year and I'm not on the mortgage yet but I should be clear to go in next year.
Im so lucky that my hubbie stuck by me, I volunteer at the citizens advice now as a debt adviser along with my job.
Whatever you decide, I hope you can tackle it together for the best outcome. Sending you hugs xxx

Hi OP what a sad situation for you. Hugs

Agree with PP re accessing your credit file. You can get a brief look at this right now from a site like ClearScore just by signing up. This may put your mind at rest a little but you do need to take steps to see the whole thing.

I understand fully that you are unsure re staying with him. I would feel the same way. I am very much of the view that we are all human and flawed and that sometimes we do things which hurt those we love. Only you can decide whether you want to work it out together or not

One thing I would say is that you should ask for evidence of the spending habits. Check that he was definitely spending on family stuff by looking at his historic statements.