Husband hid 40k debt

[Onescaredmuma]

Please can anyone advise me i hope this will make sense in in complete shock.
My husband is my rock and the love of my life but I've just found out hes been hiding credit card debt totaling 40k what's worse is in the past both myself and my mum have suspected something was off and he has made me feel paranoid and like I don't trust him. He has started a debt management plan 3 months ago so we'll before I found out so this gives me a Ray of hope there is a chance for us he has said all the right things given me his bank cards and offered to go on a pre paid card for any living expenses but im not sure I can get over this the debt is bad enough (I've never even had a credit card) but the lying and making me doubt myself when I questioned him are making me doubt I know him at all. He has said I can take the kids and walk away debt free as everything is in his name and no bills with my name on have ever had so much as a late payment. Please can anyone advise me I feel like my world is falling apart

I hid 67k of debt from my OH. I had always had my own money and always paid my credit card bill every month thus not accruing interest. It started with me not being able to keep up with paying off my credit card in full. So I changed it to minimum amount and then as it builds up I transferred the credit card debt to another company. Didn’t cancel the old one. I just kept opening new accounts and transferring debt and then using them. Then it got too much and I got a loan to pay it off but it didn’t cover all of it as so it went on. I won’t go into anymore detail but it came to a head in an explosive way.... I never defaulted on payments however he was truly traumatised by my deceit and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just tell him and he would have sorted it out. It took a long time for us to move on. He manages all the money now, he has access to my bank account, I have no credit cards and he has an account with Experian to check. For me it was an escalation of spending and then absolute anxiety about how to fix it and then how do I tell him. It was such a horrible stressful few years and when he found out it whilst it was horrendous for me it was a relief. We are in a good place now but he at the time he thought I must have been a drug addict or had a gambling addiction. But in reality it was stupidity and a lack of control on spending on my part and anxiety about how to tell him , so buried my head in the sand and hoped I would win the lottery

AdoraBell thank you for your advice my grandma actually has worked in debt management and helped a lot of people get out of debt she is coming down with my mum to look through everything she is also coming to the bank with us. The £20 he has mostly given back he bought a drink in the hospital cafe which I do have the recite and paid parking he gave me back £16.20 as soon as he walked in the door.
It does look like it's mainly been spent on crap he said he'd do things like put £25 petrol in then go in the kiosk and buy crisps drinks chocolate and end up spending an extra £10 so £35 would go on the card I have a feeling he put some baby bits on it when we had our ds and I know he did when we had our dd2 some of it was car parts as we have 2 very old bangers that have needed work over the years. He's basically been treating it as free money!
I'm no longer considering selling my jewellery except for one ring I'm not too attached to and don't wear so if my kids need anything I have money. My dad has sent me money to continue my children's activities so they don't loose out because h screwed up and I am making sure H knows exactly how lucky we are that my dad can do that and that it is his job not my father's to pay for his children. I'm also making him take over time to pay back the savings he took. I've been looking for work for a few months but DH works rolling shifts so doesn't get any set days of he also works days and nights so I'm struggling to find something that will fit in with that as we are alone here all our family live in the North I have no one to help out with the kids.

Observatorycrest thank you so much for sharing your story that sounds very much like what my DH is claiming and on his step change paperwork I'm seeing 5 credit cards and 2 consolidation loans so looks like very similar to what you are saying I'm so glad to hear your OH stuck by you and you made it work it's good to know it can be OK in the end.

It was truly awful and I feel stupid now that I wasn’t able to be honest about it. I don’t have any addictions but I was simply spending more than I could afford and it escalated. It was the worst few years of my life.... I even created arguments so he might think about leaving so I would nt have to admit what I had done. He thought I must have been saving it to leave him.... he has stuck with me and he sorted it out and I just feel shame for doing that to our family and thankful that he was able to sort it out. Never again and I don’t care that he checks my account or controls the money and totally understand why he does

Sounds like your grandmother will be a great asset to you with her knowledge.

As long as all his debit cards and credit cards are cancelled / then they won’t work on any websites even if saved to use

I’m glad that you have someone who knows about debt, your grandmother will really help you 👍

It seems like has seen the light. I really hope he is taking this seriously and continues to.

Thanks AdoraBell my grandma is great with this kind of stuff she's stepped in with other family members too (nothing this bad) the thing is DH knows exactly how good she is and could have gone to her at any time and she could have sorted this mess for him before it became this which makes it even more frustrating tbh

Oh op I really feel for you. Not sure I can add any more useful advice but I would say you need to look after yourself and your dc. Get some legal advice and protect yourself as much as you can. I was in the same position a few years ago, my now exh had a credit card I wasn't aware of, I discovered a statement 6 weeks before we married with 6k on it. Went mad, we paid it off together and I thought that was the end of it. Fast forward a few years, we had a 4 year old and were in the process of moving House when he confessed (because he had to) that he had 17k of debt on another card. I seriously considered leaving but stuck with him as he promised to change. We added the debt to the mortgage. He never changed and stayed the same selfish bastard. We divorced a few years ago. I can see from the thread that people do change but it's so hard to trust again when it has been shattered like this. I wish you love and luck op, and I hope it all works out for you 

Thank you I'm so sorry that things didn't work out and he kept letting you down but I hope things have worked out for the best for you I hope if it comes to it I can he as brave as you and walk away.

I wanted to give an update as you were all so very helpful to me. I've had the worsed month I could have imagined my baby boy developed bronchialitis and ended up on a ventilator breathing for him he's home where he belongs now husband took the time off work and stayed with us in the hospital. We had family visiting for our sons first birthday/daughters fourth party so they looked after our girls while we're at a specialist hospital with him. I know this has nothing to do with the debt but it did put things in perspective for me its money and I won't tear my family apart for money. Payday has been and I've made sure all the bills are paid and done a shop we now have just under £600 to pay food and petrol and anything we need for the month I honestly can't see us struggling on that so we should be OK now it's just making sure we don't overspend (I've not been in charge of finances for a long time). I've decided not to let him take the IVA as we were planning to possibly move back home next year (if my dd2 doesn't get into dd1s school we're taking it as a sign to move home) if we moved the creditors could take most of the equity and as my family gave us the deposit as a wedding present I don't think my kids should loose their inheritance over his debt. I've told him to take as much over time as he can and I will take it and save it to offer the individual creditors settlement fees one has already offered to knock £1400 off for a lump sum so I'm hoping the others follow suite looking at his credit card statement he's a complete idiot he spent very little actual money most of the debt is not paying the debt and Incurring fines and interest and just letting it build and burying his head in the sand he'd then pay a little to get him back in his credit limit then he'd be fined which took him back over and it all would start again! He's caused more debt by trying to hide it than he actually spent Im finding it hard to believe that an intelligent man could be so stupid but it appears to be true but I only have one credit card statement to go on as the others have sold on the debt and he destroyed his old statements in the attempt to hide the debt. I don't supposed anyone knows if we can access his old statements he says as the debt is sold on he can't but I doubt very much he's even tried and nothing being in my name I can't find out for myself. Big girl pants are firmly in place and I'm dealing with this mess I'll probably be back to rant over the next few years as this feels like a safe place to get things off my chest.

I've been where your husband is. Not with the lies, but I've been in a similar amount of debt. He needs a lifestyle change. Further debt can't be an option. And debt is tempting. Money is available and he will want to spend. As he pays off some debt, the offers for more will come thick and fast. I've turned my life around by setting an end date. In October 2023 I won't owe a bean to anyone beyond the mortgage. See the end goal and keep looking toward it. He can change, but it will be the most hard work and he will have to want this more than anything.

Thank you for sharing it actually has been most helpful to hear from people in his situation that have turned things around as I need to believe it is possible for him to change. I think I've made sure he can get no more debt I've given him a prepaid card for now and I have all of the control of the finances for now I also have full access to his credit report so should be able to see if he gets anything in the future he's on a 12 year plan but can take a fair bit of overtime (he gets about £250 for one overtime shift) so I'm giving him 4 years to settle all debts im also looking at selling things I have decided I will not sell my jewellery unless I have no other option my family have given me some money to make sure my children don't go without so for now I can't see myself having to do it.

I think you're an amazingly strong woman. I can see that your baby being so ill has put everything else in perspective. It certainly sounds hopeful that your husband has not only had a massive wakeup call, but also you now have all the strategies in place to sort this out. Yes, it will take time, but so much better to take this course than splitting your family up.

Good luck op. There is a poster on here Talk1nPeace who has some incredible spreadsheets re budgeting and debt. I think I've correctly written the name so do try a google. I'll also @Talk1nPeace to see if that works and if it's piss to post you a link. I can't on phone.

Good luck op and I hope your baby is fully recovered soon

OP you can get your old bills from the credit card companies.

He needs to contact the credit card company and request the back dated statements. He might have to pay an admin fee for the statements but you can get them.

Thank you for the kind messages and information I'll Google that poster to see if I can use the information and I'll have husband get his statements if he has to pay an admin fee I'll have to sort that as all he has is a prepaid card with enough for petrol and an extra £20 for himself. I feel really controlling doing this which goes against everything I believe a relationship should be but at least for now I have to protect my children from his irresponsibility. To his credit he has not challenged my taking over at all and does say he never wants to be allowed near the money again but I'll just have to give it some time and see what he's saying then.

OP, you can get through this, as long as your DH is 100% on board and is never allowed near a credit card again. You need to have total control over all spending and he should only have access to by essentials like petrol. It is not controlling, it is being in charge of the finances in order to stop it happening again.

I could have been you possibly, if my marriage hadn't ended as XH always had a problem with money and did actually go bankrupt for the second time a few years after we divorced.

I have seen debt problems in RL, and seen somebody help someone out by paying off their debts of £40K, only for them to rack up another £40K in 2-3 years and go bankrupt anyway, leaving the person who helped them stuck with a massive loan then in their own name.

You could ultimately lose the house, so you need to throw everything you can at clearing the debt, and do not build up any new debt either.

Check your own credit record
Check his to ensure that you have the full picture
Do not transfer any debt into your own name
Transfer debt onto 0% credit card if possible
Agree lump sum settlements wherever possible, or set repayments if they will freeze the interest
Do not give him access to credit cards ever again

Most importantly, never clear anyone's debt for them, as it doesn't teach them the lesson and they WILL do it all over again as they cannot help themselves. I have seen that happen repeatedly.

At least once somebody goes bankrupt they lose access to credit for several years. It stops them.

Good luck.

You should be able to access all the credit card accounts online. Your DH needs to work with you to access any possible information. He needs to sit with you while you telephone the card companies, then he can authorise them to speak to you and find out necessary information in order to access the statements online.

If he won't do that, then he is clearly hiding something. Get his credit reference file, and see exactly what is on there and start working from that to contact all the companies involved.

I recently did a MN product test to access my credit record, the company was this one

www.totallymoney.com/free-credit-report/?m=MUM01&cam=promoted&utm_source=mumsnet.com&utm_medium=partnership&utm_campaign=promoted

Thank you for the information he is with stepchange already most of the debt has been sold on to third parties and his accounts closed steochange have had the interest frozen and are managing the repayments for him I have been given all the paper work to prove this as at the moment I don't believe a word he says to me which I am finding very difficult as I always trusted him without question.
I have messaged him at work and he's contacted one of the old accounts who have said he needs to request the information in writing but so far no mention of fees. He's bringing home his request tonight so I can read it and I'll post it so I know it's gone. I do have access to his credit report and have checked my own to be sure nothing is in my name and I look completely in the clear I've never had so much as a credit card as I got caught out by a store card as a teenager (only for about £15 of charges but I learned my lesson and never got another)

I see that PPI doesn't seem to have been mentioned. Could there have been PPI on any of these credit cards or loans that can be reclaimed and used to reduce the debt?

Look on moneysavingexpert for a step by step guide to finding out if it was taken out and reclaiming.

Thanks I hadn't actually thought about that I doubt it as he had a credit card in the past and didn't fall for the PPI and asked for it to be removed but he could well have overlooked it this time around as he's been too busy trying to hide the situation to look sensibly at paperwork

I would check for PPI too. I know people that had no,idea they had PPI and got refunds

Looking like a big fat no to PPI a shame but not unexpected. Things are so strange at the moment DH is a better husband and father than he's been in a long time. He gets on the floor and plays with the kids again instead of sitting on his phone on the sofa he now leaves his phone in the kitchen when he gets in from work he's really trying. he hasn't objected to me setting up his pre paid card so I get a text every time he uses it or that I now open letters addressed to him (something I would never have dreamed of doing in the past) he's requested overtime to pay it back faster he's said he will work as much as they'll give him. but my feelings for him aren't coming back I loved him so much I want that back that excitement every time I saw him the tingle I got down my back when he touched me now I flinch every time he accidentally touches me, is it just too early for things to start getting back on track or is this a bad sign has anyone else been let down like this and gotten through it I'm so sad at the moment I just want to cry all the time I'm hiding on my stairs now and letting my kids watch a film while he's at work because I don't want them to see mummy like this.

Sorry if anyone actually reads this as this is going to be TMI but I found posting on here yesterday made me feel a little better. I made a mistake last night and had sex with my husband we had a kiss in bed for the first time and I just so desperately wanted that feeling back that I clung to him. Now I just feel empty again I don't understand how all the love I had can just disappear over night I think I still do love him but I'm just so numb I can't feel it. The debt we can deal with but I'm not sure that I can deal with the numbness where my heart should be I've realised my life isn't what I wanted it to be I gave up my life and followed husband where his career took him I'm in an area with little chance of ever getting the career I wanted so I'm going to retrain as a teacher so I can support my kids if I need to leave. I enjoy my kids and bring a dinner lady so hopefully I can forge a career I love out of this mess. But I don't know what else to do I'm lost and not me anymore it happened so slowly I was wife and mum I got became lost under what everyone else wanted I was never supposed to be a SAHM but husband wanted me at home so his career could take off(he's a shift worker so working around him was awkward) and it has he's doing very well in his chosen career while I waste my degree doing nothing for myself. I wanted to travel and take my kids on adventures and show them the world I wanted to live not just survive and I wanted to show them how to enjoy every minute of their lives but now I don't even know where to start. Sorry again if anyone reads this it's rambling and probably makes little sense but I feel the need to get everything off my chest where no one knows me.

How are you feeling this evening OP?