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Original poster

Husband hid 40k debt

104 replies

Onescaredmuma · 17/10/2018 01:05

Please can anyone advise me i hope this will make sense in in complete shock.
My husband is my rock and the love of my life but I've just found out hes been hiding credit card debt totaling 40k what's worse is in the past both myself and my mum have suspected something was off and he has made me feel paranoid and like I don't trust him. He has started a debt management plan 3 months ago so we'll before I found out so this gives me a Ray of hope there is a chance for us he has said all the right things given me his bank cards and offered to go on a pre paid card for any living expenses but im not sure I can get over this the debt is bad enough (I've never even had a credit card) but the lying and making me doubt myself when I questioned him are making me doubt I know him at all. He has said I can take the kids and walk away debt free as everything is in his name and no bills with my name on have ever had so much as a late payment. Please can anyone advise me I feel like my world is falling apart

OP posts:
Chesterfieldsofa · 17/10/2018 12:28

How long has he been doing this? That's an awful lot of petrol and 'top-up' shops. Are you sure that there isn't a secret spend going somewhere else? Have you seen all of the credit card bills?

BarbaraofSevillle · 17/10/2018 12:29

How long has it taken to get to this stage? Is it just spending on keeping the family going or is it gambling or excessive spending on himself?

If it's been a few years and some of the amount is interest, the debt could have built up just by living a slightly nicer lifestyle than you can actually afford.

Have you had a really good look at your budget? Can you afford your basic expenses and to repay the credit card debt in a reasonable time? Can either of you increase your income, or trim your other expenses? A good systematic review of your budget could make all the difference if you can increase your income a little and trim your bills.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2018 12:30

This is difficult as it looks like the money was predominantly living expenses. Which means you have to do two things, manage the repayments and learn to live on your actual incomes minus the repayments,

Have you both worked out how to do this? The reality of it?

Womanlikeme · 17/10/2018 12:39

Over what period of time has the debt built up? Agree with pps that 40k sounds a lot for an MOT and top up shops.

I used to overspend on credit cards (not in the region of 40k) but that was on holidays so it was obvious expenditure. I did change my ways and now would save before a holiday first.

It doesn’t sound like he lives an extravagant lifestyle so I would check out where the money has gone in case it’s gambling or something dodgy.

Btw a friend of mine lost her home after she found her husband was in a lot of debt and he had defaulted on the mortgage. She had no clue although as a family they lived beyond their means with extravagant holidays, weekend breaks and flash cars but that doesn’t sound like the case for you.

LIZS · 17/10/2018 12:40

If he is already on a dmp I'm not sure he can get an iva now anyway. Has he stopped spending and agree there is likely more to it than a few car bills, petrol and small shopping trips. Has he been totally honest now , with you and Stepchange. Unless he comes clean, the trust will never be there again.

BarbaraofSevillle · 17/10/2018 12:44

£40k over 5 years could include £10k+ of interest.

That's a little over £100 a week of excess spending. A family meal out a couple of times a month that they don't have the budget for, plus the odd top up shop, bit extra at Christmas, car bills etc could easily add up to this.

QforCucumber · 17/10/2018 12:51

Mine is currently 20k, Like your DH I kept it from my DP and just plodded along making payments, but then using the card. Daft things like one of them gains points when used so i'd buy fuel on it, then not pay it back. £50 a week in petrol soon adds up. There's also a few car repairs, top ups when I was on mat leave, just stupid bits and pieces really.

Luckily Hmm I haven't needed a management plan, I've always paid at least minimums. We have now transferred everything onto 2 x 0% cards an a low rate bank loan. The 20k is being paid off at £500 a month then any extras and bonuses going onto it, it will be halved by Xmas next year and cleared in 3 years. It's going to be tough going but the relief of not having to keep it a secret is amazing.

Rarerabbit · 17/10/2018 12:53

OP: I had to pay 50% of the overpayment and I assume he has to the same. It was a joint claim even tho I didn't know and it was going in his own bank account.

I am not sure how he managed to rack up the debt, although I suspect women with what I know. He didn't have any posh possessions or anything like that. He had significant money from his parents too which just vanished.

I am selling the house (once the order goes through) so I can properly delink as we are joint on that although I have always paid.

Seriously gather as much documents and evidence and piece together what you can then talk to a solicitor. Even if you stay with him. I wish I had done that.

raisinsraisins · 17/10/2018 13:01

Op, I was you many years ago when I found out my DH had secret debts. The debts were mainly from before we were married and he was living beyond his means, and then as he was ashamed of them he kept them secret during our marriage but obviously the interest built up. I nearly walked out of my marriage as I felt so betrayed, but we decided to work through it together. Then we made all accounts joint, with no separate accounts at all. My DH has gone to the other extreme now and is very careful with money and we don’t have money problems any more. However, I can say that once that trust has been broken, it is very hard to ever totally regain that trust again.

Original poster
Onescaredmuma · 17/10/2018 14:11

Thank you everyone for all advice even the harsh ones I'm not burying my head in the sand anymore you're right and my mum has said as much that I should have known when he was so shady about our accounts. And to the poster who asked why my family don't like him it's because his family treated me awfully when we got together and my family never felt he did enough to stick up for me.
I'm almost decided on staying with him and working through it I think there maybe some spending issues he's ashamed of we seem to get an awful lot of packages delivered for next door so that will be my next question for him. He's been at work today I've had a lot of time to get advice from family I've made a lot of demands of him today that he closes down his account everything will now be payed to me I will give him an allowance for his daily needs and he must show me all recites and account for every penny if we're to get through this although just the thought of this makes me feel sick like I'm going to far but I think I need to for the sake of my children
I think to be honest he has a keeping up with the jones's attitude more than anything and he wanted to show my family (who are quite well off) that we could have a good lifestyle. Although I think some of it is his background as his parents have had an IVA and it sounds like it's happened more than once but they won't talk about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Onescaredmuma · 17/10/2018 14:18

Oh and sorry I forgot to say its been at least 5 years I'm not sure exactly yet though I'll be going over it tonight with a fine tooth comb

OP posts:
Womanlikeme · 17/10/2018 14:56

What kind of things do you think he might be buying that turn up in packages?

Original poster
Onescaredmuma · 17/10/2018 15:07

I don't know at all it was my mum who pointed out we often have packages for next door left with us when she visits us they're all amazon boxes so probably tat that he doesn't need! she says I can't trust a thing he tells me from now on if we're going to stay together I need to check everything but if I can never trust him again is there any point

OP posts:
LIZS · 17/10/2018 15:09

Can you check his Amazon account for past orders?

Original poster
Onescaredmuma · 17/10/2018 15:19

I didn't even think about that I've made him cancel his account today and made him send me a screenshot proving that he has. would he still be able to view old orders I'm guessing he'd have to be able to in case of faulty goods etc so I might actually be able to check. Thank you

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/10/2018 15:47

Surely you can tell by the address label who rhe parcels are for?

Original poster
Onescaredmuma · 17/10/2018 16:33

I haven't even looked I never noticed any were addressed to our house but I'm pretty badly dyslexic so wouldn't count on me reading it correctly at a glance it was my mum that suggested the parcels may be for him and he's using next doors name I think I'm inclined to believe anything she suggests about him at this stage not a good sign for our relationship I guess. I'm actually really not as stupid as Im coming across I've literally had no sleep last night and have a baby so sleep deprived at the best of times. the IVA is being set up by my husband today he's going to bring proof of everything home with him so I can begin to make sense I need to sit and listen to him I think because I was in such shock I don't think I took anything in yesterday

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 17/10/2018 19:04

You'll be able to see what has bern purchased on the credit card statements. Mine are all online so he should be able to view them

AdoraBell · 18/10/2018 20:35

Do not sell your jewellery, ask your mum to look after it for.

Original poster
Onescaredmuma · 18/10/2018 21:01

First of all thank you to everyone who posted and offered advice and criticism I needed both. For the last 2 years he has been paying around £500-£600 minimum payment so yes a couple of years ago we were living beyond our means I genuinely believed we had gotten our acts together and sorted it out (I knew we were broke but not in debt) I had a shopping budget I stuck too religiously any extras like days out or kids clothes came from a separate account H transfered money into for my so I couldnt over spend! However we always seemed to be broke I now know this was because a massive amount was coming out each month before I even saw a penny.
I have looked at my credit score which is stable and above average for my area there is nothing on it except my mortgage and my phone. The only improvements it suggest for me is I get a credit card to improve my credit history (0 chance of that bloody happening!!) H seems to be accepting all my terms I've even taken his laptop so I can do the banking more effectively I will get him a prepaid card next month but for now he's getting cash and has to show me how much is left each day along with recites for any that is gone he seems to be taking this seriously as I gave him £20 note from an emergency purse I keep under my bed for hospital parking he even called me up to ask if he could buy something to make change and brought me the recite. I know this is early days and I have made him aware I am not promising to stay with him but I will help him sort it out I think at the moment that is the best I can do please anyone feel free to comment if there is anything I might have missed in dealing with this i will take any advice on bored even if it's not what I want to hear

OP posts:
LIZS · 18/10/2018 21:10

And the parcels ?

ivykaty44 · 18/10/2018 21:36

You really need to collect all the paper work & seek advise from the Citizens advice as to how to tackle this debt - otherwise it will grow like a snowball

BarbaraofSevillle · 18/10/2018 22:07

Yes be careful with Amazon if he's been spending there. It's one of the few online shops where you don't have to enter the card details each time. If the card is saved on the website, he can use it, but it does sound like progress is being made.

AdoraBell · 18/10/2018 22:21

What type of thing did he want to buy with that £20? As in something actually needed or tat?

When he brings the Stepchange paperwork home get someone else, like CBA, to go through it with you.

Has he told you what he has been buying, other than petrol and the MOT thing, is there more stuff in the house and could it be sold to put money towards the debts?

Only you can decide if you stay or leave him but either way get the financial advise that others have suggested. As for keeping up with the Jones, tell him The Jones are completely irrelevant and he needs to concentrate on his children. His dependant children.

Original poster
Onescaredmuma · 18/10/2018 22:25

He says the parcels really were for next door and I think this is probably true as the other poster suggested it would have our address even if he were using next doors name this was probably exhaustion and upset and my mum suggested it and right now after years of not believing her I'll take her word over his. However I have seen confirmation that his amazon account is closed as is his bank account so he won't be spending anything for now as he has no access. He is in the process of applying for an IVA and already under a debt management program through step change I have copies of all the paperwork to prove this. Although if anyone can tell me the names of sites that can pay without a card I will check each one. I am taking him to our bank on Monday when he's off work to to double check he has no secret accounts at the moment I can't think of any other ways he could spend so again if there is something I've missed please post it and thank you for your advice

OP posts: