Husband hid 40k debt

[Onescaredmuma]

Please can anyone advise me i hope this will make sense in in complete shock.
My husband is my rock and the love of my life but I've just found out hes been hiding credit card debt totaling 40k what's worse is in the past both myself and my mum have suspected something was off and he has made me feel paranoid and like I don't trust him. He has started a debt management plan 3 months ago so we'll before I found out so this gives me a Ray of hope there is a chance for us he has said all the right things given me his bank cards and offered to go on a pre paid card for any living expenses but im not sure I can get over this the debt is bad enough (I've never even had a credit card) but the lying and making me doubt myself when I questioned him are making me doubt I know him at all. He has said I can take the kids and walk away debt free as everything is in his name and no bills with my name on have ever had so much as a late payment. Please can anyone advise me I feel like my world is falling apart

It sounds like you've been through an awful lot recently and it's making you rethink your life. This is not necessarily a bad thing but I would say take time to let things settle down and don't make any quick decisions. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place and it will affect your relationship with your dh - after what he did, how could it not - so don't pressure yourself for things to get back to normal straight away. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to process everything.

It sounds to me like you're grieving the loss of the life you thought you should have, and also are maybe realising that you're not doing what you would like to in terms of work etc. Retraining as a teacher sounds like a great idea, just be sure you think it through properly and make sure the finances work out OK, and that you have the support you need for childcare etc. I know you probably can't afford it at the moment, but maybe think about some couples counselling at some point for you and your dh as well

last night husband showed up with flowers (quite sweet as his budget only allows £20 a month after petrol) and said he was sorry about the night before. He wants us to try and start again instead of moving on he wants us to date and show me he can become the man I thought he was. So I cooked us a nice meal (he really can't cook) after the kids were in bed we had a glass of wine that my mum left last time she visited and listened to music on you tube and when he said I love you at the end of the night I said it back and didn't feel sick like the few times I've said it accidentally at the end of a phone call so I think it's still there.
Thank you for your supportive message before I look at applying for the the teacher training I'm going to volunteer at my daughters school it's a very small school (only 55 students) so should ease me in I then plan on volunteering at some other local schools for classroom experience then I stand a good chance of getting on the salaried training scheme as I already have a degree in planning on applying for 2020 when ds starts preschool and will get his 15 hours it's going to be a bit of long road but at least I feel positive that I'm making steps for myself and my kids.
I do think your right about counselling but that will have to go on the back burner until the debt is paid I may speak to my GP about it as I do feel my anxiety is flaring up again so I might be able to speak to some one again who can at least help me to get my feelings straight.

My husband did a similar thing and it was such a shock. i couldn't work out how I had been unaware of it. However, we got through it and moved on and are still really happy together. I do set the budget and access to all accounts and reports etc as my safety net. I still get really twitchy when we have a credit card balance though.

Thank you although I hate hearing that others have been in my situation (I literally would wish this on no one!) it does lift my heart to hear that other couples have survived this as I'm still trying to get my head around it. So far this month I've saved £100 from the shopping budget and hoping to have a little more on Monday when I do the weekly shop. I've also managed to work out that we should have £100 left in the account after all petrol and shopping has gone out and have managed to sort out my DCs Christmas presents I'm so lucky my girls asked santa for polly pockets that each cost less than £20 and my boy is too young to care so I don't need to spend a lot on him either. The only problem is my car broke today but my dad gave me some money so that I had something as a safety net I was hoping not to have to use it especially so soon but needs must I guess.

My car ended up costing me £220 which has taken a chunk out of my safety net but I have a car again!
I'm a little bit stuck at the moment I've managed between my safety net money and carefully putting money aside each week to get £430 I won't be able to put any aside next week from the food shop as I'm going to need a big one. This was going to be to put towards paying off the smallest debt I've worked out if I keep saving until February I'll have enough to make an offer. To settle.
However my baby is outgrowing his car seat (still in his newborn one at nearly 13 months) but he's small and delicate so he's going to need to stay reverse facing. I bought his travel system second hand got a really good deal but it turned out to have a problem with the break its done us this long but the break now completely shot so I now need a car seat and pushchair. Husband has quite a few over time shifts coming up should I put it off until then or should I use the money I've saved plus the money I've been given or should I try and hold off until the overtime is paid at the end of December. I'm tempted to try second hand again for the stroller but scared to get second hand car seat. I have no idea what to do normally I'd ask my husband's advice on this but I still don't trust him to give the best advice I'm driving myself insane I've cut our food shopping to the bone and been making my own cleaning products to save this much! Anyone with any advice I'd really appreciate it.

It sounds like you're doing amazingly well. As a Mum to a baby myself, I'd say a car seat is one of the things you should definitely spend money on. They're not safe second hand as you just can't be sure what's happened to them. Things like food and car seats are absolute essentials. It sounds like you're doing well but don't put too much pressure on yourself when it comes to things you definitely do need.

Thank you I thought about it a lot last night you're right about the car seat, so I've decided to buy the car seat new with the savings and replace with husband's overtime in going to look for a stroller second hand and just make sure I check it out thoroughly before I actually hand over the money

I managed to get a good car seat and stroller for £300 in the black Friday sales I saved £120 all together originally the car seat was that much so I basically got the stroller for free. Good news is although the money is now down I haven't completely blown the whole thing. Things are getting easier at home too I've seen more of the credit card statements we had to apply in writing for them as the debt had been sold on and accounts were closed they are all the same story a big ballance transfer with a large fee then lots of missed payments and charges and amount rising slowly over 2-3 years. I'm hurt to find our family trip to Disney on one of them as I was told we set aside money every month for that (it was a term time holiday before dd1 started school only £700) however that's the first real big spend I've seen and the biggest so far the card was £5000 only about £900 was spending the man really is stupid he was so scared about getting found out he wouldn't set up a direct debit and couldn't remember the the date he had to pay so missed it 80% of the time and incurred a charge! I am at least satisfied that he hasn't cheated or gambled the money away as either if them I would be have to walk away.

He is probably a better husband and father as he doesn't have to keep this secret anymore and so feels more relaxed.

He betrayed you and now you are having to micromanage him, make cut backs and are dealing with a lot of stress. You have a big weight on your shoulders that is not your doing. You can't trust your husband. It is not at all strange that you don't have the same feelings as before. As the debts slowly get paid off and you start trusting him more, they may return in time. However, they might not. And now you are questioning other aspects of your life.

Can you increase your hours at work, or take on another small job? Even volunteer somewhere? Something to make you feel like you again.

Sorry I don't have much practical advice. I think you are very brave and amazing how you have taken on this debt. But equally definitely wouldn't judge if you think it is too much and have to walk away.

You have done very well. He soundsl ike someone who benefits from having someone else handle the money and it will be a relief for him not to have to think about it any more. If you could up your own hours or as you say do teacher training and then perhaps get a full time job as a teacher it may be that your wages are more than his shift work and he would have to find work to fit around your hours - depends who earns the most.

Thank you for the kind words the support from people on here has been very touching!
I can't up my hours I'm a dinner lady in a tiny school (only 54 students) I'm in a job share with a friend we have each others children while the other works but my son has been in and out of hospital now for a month with repeated chest infections and bronchialitis he's been in again today and yesterday he's been in a bad way so getting another job at the moment would be impossible. I'm still very determined to to do teacher training as the drs think that he will out grow this by the age of 3-4 as his lungs develope and grow stronger the school that I am working at have said they'll be willing to let me get some classroom experience with them so I can apply for a saleried training position which would be the best option for me as I could start earning straight away and the volunteering gets me out a bit too. My husband earns a good wage so I don't think I'll be overtaking his wage anytime soon 40k and in line for promotion in a year or so which will take him to about 48k.
Update on the finances we finished the month with £130 in savings for paying off the debt even after buying pushchair and carseat and finished with £40in the bank would have been £80 but petrol and parking charges for extra trips to the hospital cost us an extra £40 and that's just this week!! It's still about £37 more than we normally end with according to husband so I'm going to take that as a win! Hopefully this month will be easier as husband had an overtime shift so we were £230 up on last month although I'm sure Christmas will eat that up pretty fast.
I have also seen most of the credit card statements still waiting on one they all seem to be the same story a ballance transfer then lots of late payment charges and interest a big part of the problem was he wouldn't pay them via direct debit as he was scared I'd find out so he'd call and pay by card but 99% of the time forgot the payment date and incurred a late payment charge he really was stupid I now know that our big family holiday £750 (I thought we had saved up for) was on a credit card it's stupid I guess but I feel a bit better that me and the kids at least got something from it because the first 2 credit cards were stupid little spends that we never really saw any benefit from.

Even if the debt is in his name if creditors come knocking the onus if on you to prove that the item belongs to you and not your husband e.g. receipts/proof of purchase otherwise they'll just take anything they want.

Debt management plan is best way to sort the debt but need to ensure he doesn't build a new debt back up! Look at his credit file or ask for login details for something like noddle or clearscore, if he takes out new credit lines you'll find out within a month of an account been opened.

Thanks for the advice I have actually already done that I have all log in details for one called noodle it's not due to update for a couple of days but I'll be rechecking it as soon as it does he's literally on the shortest leash possible for at least a year until I truly have my feet back under me I'll know within a month if he takes out anything but he has no access to any of our banks either so he has no way of paying anything off even if he found a way into the banks I check every account every morning and every night so I'd know the day any money went out. His prepaid card is set up to my phone so I get a message everytime he spends anything on the card. He's on debt management with stepchange which the creditors have all agreed to so at the moment we are safe from bailiffs knocking I really don't know anything else I could possibly do to be even more sure so if anyone does I'm still willing to give anything a try.

This sounds patronising, but well done for taking control and sorting out the mess. It's early days - they'll be good times and bad times, keep on keeping on - imagine how you'll feel at the end.

Oh do one, anggiee

Thank you popcornwizard I really am Touched by how kind people have been on here and the amount of advice I've received that has been truly useful. I was expecting alot of people telling me how stupid I've been, it would have been pretty deserved as I did allow my husband to shut me out of the finances completely and didn't question him about it. I won't make that mistake about anything I did sense something was wrong but I have anxiety issues and husband told me that was what was making me worry now if I feel something is wrong I'm not being fobbed off I feel like I'm growing a bit more confident and and getting a bit of my old self back.

Hi there Onescared
Somebody mentioned my spreadsheets ....

If your DH is already in a payment plan I assume that the Standing Order Trick has already been put into action.
If not, do it today.

I have just popped a new debt support thread onto the board (as the last one was full as are the six before it.
THe spreadsheets are linked on there ....

Talkinpeece I don't know about the standing order trick I've got all the paperwork from stepchange but I'm not sure I understand it all we pay it by direct debit at the start of each month. I've been then working out what we should owe each creditor after the payment is taken(granted this is only my second month) so I know what we should owe each creditor. I'll have a look for your debt support board I'm not great at navigating the site yet I'm far from a tech wizard but hopefully I can find it!
I meant to say thanks to the person who suggested looking at PPI we have looked into this we're waiting for the company to get back in touch none of his latest debts have PPI as they were all taken out after 2011 when PPI was banned but he had some old ones that are being investigated it's doubtful looking at it but worth a shot.

Onescared
the standing order trick reduces the repayment term on a credit card debt from around 18 to around 2 years
at no extra cost to you

Card companies HATE it

Not sure we'll be able to do that the debt has mostly been sold on to 3rd parties due to my (idiot) husband not paying them on time or at all. Stepchange have frozen all the interest though which will save us thousands and I know at least one creditor will settle for around 2 thirds if we can pay a lump sum so that's good news another had already knocked off 8k by the time I found out about it (interest and charges)
I'm quite embarrassed to ask but how do I find the debt support board I can work the chat on here but generally find the site hard to manoeuvre. I've tried searching debt support but get a list that looks like a Google of debt support services. I tried the money page but that doesn't look right either.

An update - I'm planning on updating every couple of months as one I find writing it all down helps me organise my thoughts and 2 I haven't been able to find many stories of people working through this kind of thing so hopefully I will get through this and help someone see light at the end of the tunnel one day.
2 months down and things have gotten a bit better between DH and me.
my 2 youngest and I were involved in a semi serious car accident which I won't go into this has obviously not helped the finances however my DH was amazing he was there before the police. He was there and has dealt with all the insurance and sorted out new car and really helped he even took a week off work because I was injured and struggled to lift my baby and couldn't drive.
I have seen all but the first year of one credit card statement which I'm waiting on as they only sent the last 4 years. The statements are ridiculous with the charges and fees he incurred but do support his claim that he was just putting stupid things on the card and then not paying it. So he's an idiot but not having an affair or gambling. I have taken complete charge of the finances and have ended every month in the black and paid for our DCs Christmas and a visit back home with the family. And put a bit aside in saving for emergencies as well as putting a bit aside for paying extra off the debt. DH has been working overtime and this month bringing in an extra £800 (this is the first of the overtime payments) he is using most of it to pay back the money he took that my grandma gave us for our DCs we're going to the bank to get it all out tomorrow he wants to put it into envelopes and to give them each their envelope and apologise to the eldest 2 I'm not sure they are old enough to understand or that this is wise but it's something he feels he has to do. The rest of the money is being put in an envelope towards settling the smallest debt. Its depressing seeing how slowly the debts are coming down especially seen as though I feel like I am sacricing everything to pay them off I'm managing to feed all 5 of us and buy everything we need for £50 a week but I'm struggling have cried a few times when the kids want something to eat I can't give them, especially when it's fresh fruit I only shop once a week so only have fruit in the first 3-4 days then they just have fresh veg we tend to end up with some random concoctions at the end of the week but so far we've managed. I'm hoping 2019 brings a better year for my family as 2018 has certainly been eye opening for me. To anyone out there who is struggling with debt I hope this year is better for you and good luck for 2019.

That's amazing progress OP!

onescared you are doing really well with this. We we were in a similar situation although not a hidden debt - I just never thought to ask how much. We paid it back...it was a lot going hard slog but got there in the end. I found the frugaleer and TIPs debt threads really useful for keeping me sane. I would recommend jumping on both as they are full of people who don't judge but offer support when it looks bleak and celebrate the success.

Thanks I'll have a look at those I'm on a debt support thread that has been really useful and I've gotten lots of moral support from there. It's so good to hear from people who made it out the other side is it feels like very slow progress so far.