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Original poster

Don't know how to get out this mess

68 replies

Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 09:43

I've run up a lot of debt, credit cards mostly, whilst my DH knows about some, it's at least double that.

If I tell him about it I risk my marriage but I can't deal with it on my own and it's making me ill with worry.

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 01/05/2017 09:45

You need to contact every single company and explain your position and then work out a repayment plan. An achievable one.

Then cut up the cards.

Look at why you are spending so much and why.

And talk to your DH. Lies about debt are worse than the debt imo. I would be furious if it was kept from me and if you can sit down together and work out how to repay this and you promise not to get any more cards then surely you can work things out.

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 09:52

I know I need to tell him and to be honest it would be such a weight off my mind to tell him but I daren't, I also worry too much about the timing of telling him and the fall out impacting on DC, I always find a reason not to tell him such as it's DC birthday don't want to spoil it or DC about to start Sats don't want them upset etc etc. He now wants to go through all our finances and see where we're at with things.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 01/05/2017 09:55

You child doesnt need to know! Just your husbnd

C0untDucku1a · 01/05/2017 09:56

Do you work? ARe you buying all the food shops / childrens clothes? Do you have joint financies?

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 10:01

My DC will find out because if in the house my DH will shout and scream insults at me, if not in the house there is a chance he will still tell them, one to get at me and also because he will say this affects them so they need to know.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 10:03

how did you run up the debts? what were you buying?

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 10:04

I do work yes but only part time, finances are joint. Most of the debt is due to paying business bills, improvements,, some has been some luxury stuff such as a holiday.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 01/05/2017 10:06

They sound like family debts. And your husband sounds like a bully.

PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 10:09

so these expenses were not on luxury items for you ie selfish spending? why did you hide the business debts from your partner and why did you book a holiday you couldnt afford? i'm really not having a go btw, talking it through can be helpful

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 10:10

Yes a lot are family debts but it's more that I haven't kept him informed of the problem (I deal with the finances) and yes he is a very angry man who will scream, shout maybe throw things but will then calm down and deal with it all, unfortunately this will then be thrown in my face in every argument in the future.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 10:13

does it sound reasonable or fair to be abused for family debts? why didnt he take an interest in finances before now? do you have joint finances on everything btw? are these debts in your name only?

AdaColeman · 01/05/2017 10:16

For help with the debts contact Step Change charity, they will give you fantastic advice and support.

What to do about your angry violent husband is a much harder question.

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 10:16

God no it definitely hasn't been on luxury items for myself, the holiday we thought we could pay off but then either something else would come up and to be honest my lack of organising, planning skills have been a major issue, not really sure why I didn't tell him, I don't find him the easiest man to talk to, he tends to get angry quickly before then calming down and talking so easier to not tell him.

I know you're not having a go painting and talking definitely does help and I most definitely need the help

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 10:22

He was just always happy for me deal with it all but as noticed I'm struggling and I've also been ill so it's made him think that if anything happened to me he wouldn't know what was happening to sort finances etc out.

Our finances are joint and the debt is in a mix of both names

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 01/05/2017 10:22

What Ada said.

Are your debts manageable given your household income?

NotDavidTennant · 01/05/2017 10:24

Your DH sounds abusive.

Moreisnnogedag · 01/05/2017 10:32

There's two separate things here. Is this really the kind of relationship you want to model for your dc? TBH I think you should look at whether it's worthwhile continuing on its own merits.

Secondly, trust me, nowadays debt is not as horrendous to deal with as it once was. Ring the companies and ask to speak to their debt advisors and work out an affordable repayment plan.

BattleaxeGalactica · 01/05/2017 10:34

I think your issues run deeper than the debt. You sound afraid of him, OP and that isn't good. You're also taking on the blame for not keeping him informed but looking at it another way he hasn't bothered to ask how all this stuff has been paid for so it really isn't fair for him to start up with shrieking and insults.

First step is to contact the creditors and see if you can come to some arrangements with them for reduced payments, freezing of interest and charges and the like. If they won't play ball next stop is CAB and debt charities such as Payplan or Stepchange. There is free help out there. Just starting enquiries will hopefully make you feel less trapped.

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 10:41

Yes my DH can be abusive, controlling and a bully at times I have told him in the past and no I hate that I'm still stuck in this relationship but are too frightened to leave, and it's not always bad so I way up the bad times to the devastating affect leaving could have on DC and also would I live to regret leaving him

I'd be more then happy to ring the debt companies etc whilst it's not a great situation to be in I know I can get it sorted with help but my main problem is telling DH, frightened of his reaction.

The debts are getting out of hand so struggling to manage them on our income

OP posts:
SoulAccount · 01/05/2017 10:43

"one to get at me and also because he will say this affects them so they need to know"

Your problems don't begin or end with money.

I can see why you feel trapped. Would he go to couple counselling with you, to look at communication between the two of you?

How bad is his general behaviour? Have a look through the Freedom Programme online.and see if it rings bells.

You need to be able to be honest and let him know how things stand, and you should be able to say 'we can't afford this or that'.

Find a time when DC are out for the day and say you need a meeting about how things are.

Have some solutions to suggest, and be assertive about the fact that you need to be able to deal with the financial problem without his anger, shouting and involving the children making you feel afraid to talk to him.

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 10:45

I'm no angel in all of this and I've been very reluctant to talk finances with him at times so I do need to share some of the blame, but he has never been willing or able to accept that the business isn't viable

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/05/2017 10:46

The DC would be devastated to not live in the toxic environment of Mum being fearful of an angry, controlling, shouting, bullying, abusive man...

RandomMess · 01/05/2017 10:48

Oh and their Dad prioritises his ego of running his own business over providing financially for the family....

Amazing role model for them!

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 11:01

Yes soul I should be able to be honest with him but yet I can't and if I say that to him he will say he doesn't understand why I can't and I'm talking shit. He has a very accusing tone when asking questions, even just day to day things.

random you have hit the nail on the head over his ego and the business, I never wanted the business and one of my DC confiding to my friend recently that she wishes we didn't have the business due to the arguments it causes.

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 01/05/2017 11:45

This is not a good or healthy way to live. You are frightened of your husband.

I would honestly think about sorting out getting the hell out of this relationship and taking your dc with you.

The debts can be sorted. You, however, sound like you are so stressed and scared. That's awful. And he is a bully, a horrible, nasty, shouting bully who will use your dc against you.

This is way beyond debt, this is about you taking control of your life.

I don't say 'leave him' very often but I have been with a man who behaved like your husband and it escalated to physical violence very quickly.

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