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Original poster

Don't know how to get out this mess

68 replies

Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 09:43

I've run up a lot of debt, credit cards mostly, whilst my DH knows about some, it's at least double that.

If I tell him about it I risk my marriage but I can't deal with it on my own and it's making me ill with worry.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 11:56

honestly, while repackaging the debt I would get as much as possible in his name only. call it future proofing.

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 14:06

Can I ask if any of you was in my situation would you not be worried about telling your DH, I truly thought that me being scared wouldn't be an unusual reaction to what I need to tell him.

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ememem84 · 01/05/2017 14:20

ohso in your position sure I'd be worried about telling dh. What I'd probably do as a damage limitation in your shoes is to make a start sorting it out.

So work out exactly how much you owe down to the last penny. Then speak to creditors and debt management advisors. Then get a repayment plan in place then start to execute said plan.

Then tell dh.

I had to fess up to my dh before we bought our flat that I had a horrific credit card debt. Mine was luxury items though. I got the plan together and started the repayments. Dh was angry, more so that I hadn't told him initially but we worked through it.

Good luck.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 01/05/2017 14:27

I'd be worried about telling him, yes, but not that he would scream, shout, abuse me and throw it in my face. That's the abnormal part, ohso.

It's also much less likely I would have kept stuff like this from him because we would have discussed and worked on it together. Nobody would enjoy the prospect of this conversation, but the fact that you're in this situation and the fact that you are so afraid of the conversation are symptomatic of the fact that you are married to an abusive bully.

PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 14:29

it is useful to ask yourself why you are scared. I would be scared if my dh was aggressive/angry. I would be ashamed if i'd spent it all on luxury chocolates and handbags.I would wonder why I was scared if it had been spent on the family because my partner refused to live in the real world and I was protecting him from the truth
I would also do as ememem says, but making sure that debt was not in my sole name (ideally not in your name at all)

Original poster
Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 17:34

Thanks everyone, I have a day off tomorrow whilst DH is at work and DC at school so I'm going to get in touch with Step Change Charity and also creditors, DH said he wants to chat about things later this week when both off and sort out debt (obviously the debt he knows about) but his idea of sorting it is put it all into one more manageable loan or against the mortgage, so I think I've now run out of time for damage limitations but I'm certainly going to try

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MycatsaPirate · 01/05/2017 17:41

No I wouldn't be scared if I had to tell my dp we had debt he didn't know about. Yes I'd be worried but not scared. He wouldn't scream and shout, he wouldn't terrify me. He would be upset, disappointed but certainly wouldn't react like yours would.

I think you should contact Women's Aid if you get the chance as well.

AdaColeman · 01/05/2017 17:46

If there are any of the debts that are directly linked to the business, make sure you keep them identifiable as such.

Does your business accountant know that you are in such dire straits?

Your first job will be getting a complete list of absolutely all debts, that is sure to be shocking and upsetting, especially if you have not made difficult decisions in the past, but instead gone for the easy fix.

All the best Ohso, you can do this! Thanks

LIZS · 01/05/2017 17:53

No it is unusual not to be able to discuss this without fear of abuse and blame. It sounds as if he has enjoyed the benefits but turned a blind eye to how they were funded, setting you up to "fail". Definitely find out your options from StepChange and maybe speak to Women's Aid about strategies and build your confidence for the discussion. If your dc is only at SATS stage it really isn't going to be detrimental if this comes out now and maybe, just maybe, your h will be mature enough to put his feelings aside for a few weeks while you both sort this out rather than rope your dc into his game.

Original poster
Ohsofat · 02/05/2017 13:19

I've made a start, spoke to one creditor who has agreed to freeze interest and accept a more manageable payment for the next 6 months to a year to start with, also the card is now blocked obviously. Spoke to another creditor who has agreed to block the card, although given me a password to unblock if needed, they won't do anything about reducing or freezing interest because I'm not in any arrears but said if I do get in arrears in the future not to worry they will then be able to help. Slow start I know.

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Moreisnnogedag · 02/05/2017 15:05

Good start though.

As reiterated above, I'd dreaded telling my dh about how much debt we had accumulated but not because he'd flip out, but because I was embarrassed.

Seriously what do you get out of your marriage now? Don't think of past happy times, but just in the last 6 months. How far back do you have to go before you think the relationship was good and healthy? In our marriage we've had some pretty rough times but I have never been scared of my dh.

Original poster
Ohsofat · 02/05/2017 16:28

moreisnnogedag it's so hard to explain my marriage because it isn't bad all the time, whilst writing on here all has been good but once something annoys him he changes but then it could be great again for weeks maybe months but when it's bad it's bad, shouting, threatening violence, name calling and I'm no saint in all of this because I do the shouting, name calling back but I don't threaten violence and I very rarely instigate the argument whereas if something as upset/annoyed him he reacts to it in temper.

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Moreisnnogedag · 02/05/2017 17:40

I know things are always different in the midst of the relationship. I have been through some tough times with my Dh but have stuck it out because I do believe in marriage.

But, and this is a serious but, my husband has never threatened violence. We have argued lots but I have never been scared that he'd hit me. I think adults should be able to argue it out but that's a different level. Is it slamming doors or raising his hand to you? If the latter, ask yourself what would you do if he slapped you? Then think what would you would tell your children if their own partner did that?

AdaColeman · 02/05/2017 21:38

Well done on taking that first brave step Ohso, you must be pleased with the replies you got from those you contacted. You need to keep going now!

Have you thought of any ways that you can cut down on your domestic outgoings so that you have more money available to reduce the debt?
It might help you to look at Money Saving Expert website as it's packed with ideas for living more cheaply, I think there is a section for help with debt too.

Good luck! Thanks

Original poster
Ohsofat · 03/05/2017 07:06

Yes I am pleased with the replies Ada and not once did they make me feel intimidated or stupid to be in this situation, I have also started filling in the online form with Step Change.

I'm definitely looking into ways to save money.

I also realise none of this solves my main issue of telling DH about how much debt there is but all this brought up bigger issues within my marriage, and whilst I realise it's not good and I do probably need to leave it's not that easy and I need to way up the bad times against the good times.

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Original poster
ohsofat · 26/05/2017 13:54

I've finally told DH about the debt, not gone into any details with him as yet because he is too upset, told me I'm my own sorting it and that there is now no us. Said he will tell the kids the truth as to why they might now not have the nice life they have now and said he is taking them with him.

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Mrsdarcyiwish10 · 26/05/2017 14:20

I'm sure your glad it all out in the open now. Please speak to womens aid and the cab regarding the children and housing, he can not just take them with him.

ShotsFired · 26/05/2017 14:28

"Cut up the cards"

Just checking, because I see this comment dished out a lot, but do people know/understand that "cutting up the cards" is not actually going to do anything unless you formally close the account as well?

All that will happen is that you won't have the physical card till it expires and then they'll send you a shiny new one. Which if you have debt problems, can be like a red rag to a bull.

The added benefit of closing the account is that you actually cannot add more debt to it (which you otherwise could by piecing the bits back together or having it saved on websites etc). Also (eventually) has an impact on your credit rating too.

specialsubject · 26/05/2017 17:07

Well done, op.

Kids are far better off with separated parents than with this sham of a marriage. Seeing one parent abuse the other is never forgotten.

If he is threatening to take the kids and there is any chance that could be out of the UK, there is urgent action to take . if he remains in the UK then he is in the jurisdiction of our laws.

I wish you the best.

ChickenBhuna · 26/05/2017 17:17

Tell your partner then phone stepchange and get a manageable payment plan sorted. Be honest with everyone and all will be well. Do not accept any more credit OP. Learn to live only on what you have.

You're in debt , you're not a murder , so please don't beat yourself up.

Good luck.

Original poster
ohsofat · 26/05/2017 22:07

Thanks everyone, DH has now calmed down and told me we will sort this out together, doesnt want us to split up. To be fair he wasn't half as bad as I thought he would be after he got over the initial shock.

Just gone through the debts together and it's worse then I realised, but he won't entertain any sort of payment plan type thing at the minute.

Thank you chicken

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/05/2017 14:27

Has he accepted that the business is not viable?

If not, could you go to see a business advisor to run through the accounts and spell it out to him?

Original poster
ohsofat · 27/05/2017 14:33

runrabbit whilst we hasn't accepted that the business isn't viable he has accepted that things need looking at more closely and if he feels he can't improve it then he will sell, my main concern now is that he isn't willing to accept any outside help (stepchange etc, I think we could sell the business and potentially pay quite a chunk off and we do have a lot of equity in the house.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/05/2017 14:54

Could you go to get a business plan made yourself, even without him there? A bog standard business plan could help a lot. Even if only for you to feel like you are thinking straight.

I do these quite often with businesses. Getting a third party to help you dispassionately assess what has happened in the past and create a strategy for the future can be incredibly liberating. Especially when you are deciding in advance your decision points for strategies, business lines, when and what to sell etc.

People often say that owners often treat their companies like their children and so they can't make rational decisions but more often I think they feel about the business the way they feel about their dog.

They wouldn't just give it away because it was inconvenient. Nor would they sell it to afford luxury items for themselves. If the dog got sick they'd pay hefty vet bills but there would be a limit, where you can't pay those bills or perhaps you recognise that the dog will never recover, it's a slow expensive death from here and with great sadness you get it put to sleep. Or let's say circumstances change, you have to move to a place where you can't have dogs, then you would give or sell the dog to someone else. Or let's say that cute little puppy has grown into a monster who doesn't fit in your flat any more and tbh you don't have the strength to handle it, you would know it was right to pass the dog on to someone else.

What I'm trying to say with that ramble is that thinking of the business as a much loved family pet can help people close to the owner help the owner find their way to the right course of action more quickly.

As for the anger issues, you might want to start a separate thread in relationships about that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/05/2017 14:56

So, he might not want to go to what he perceives as a course on how to accept the inevitable death of your dog but he might go on an obedience training course iyswim.