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Original poster

Don't know how to get out this mess

68 replies

Ohsofat · 01/05/2017 09:43

I've run up a lot of debt, credit cards mostly, whilst my DH knows about some, it's at least double that.

If I tell him about it I risk my marriage but I can't deal with it on my own and it's making me ill with worry.

OP posts:

crazykitten20 · 27/05/2017 15:35

Only discuss scary issues at couple counselling. Whilst waiting for an appointment get the repayment schedules organised and the debts frozen.

Original poster

Ohsofat · 27/05/2017 15:57

Yes RunRabbit I think I understand what you mean and he did mention about getting someone else to look over the books etc to see where we are going wrong cos he genuinely can't see it.

Crazykitten he refuses to get the debt frozen on some sort of payment management plan etc.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/05/2017 16:19

If you frame it as let's get someone to help use work out what needs to change to make the business succeed then you might find it easier to get him to engage. Debt freezing might not actually be the best option.

Angry selfish bullies can make good business decisions and be financially successful so the fact that he's a twatbadger of a husband doesn't have to mean you end up in financial ruin.

I think you should try to separate the two issues of turning around the business and turning around the relationship. In general I'd say you might have a good chance of coming out of the business in a healthy state with him with the right support, but a low chance of it becoming a health marriage.

I've helped some right bastards. I would enter a commercial deal with them, and have done. I sure as fuck wouldn't be in a relationship with any of them.

crazykitten20 · 27/05/2017 16:45

So the debt that is in your name you get sorted/frozen/ payment planned.

The debt that is in his name you hand to him during the safety of the couple counselling.

If he won't go to couple counselling you email him the details of his debts so he gets to read it at work and then go out to your parents with the kids that evening. So he can't berate you in front of the kids when he gets home.

He needs managing as does the debt imo.

Original poster

Ohsofat · 29/05/2017 10:36

Yes the two (business/debt & relationship) definitely need to be dealt with separately runrabbit so for now we are concentrating on the business/debt cos I think we'll be stronger doing this together and it will be better all sorted before any decisions are made for both our futures and that of the DC whether that is together as a family or us going our separate ways.

Unfortunately crazykitten I have no parents alive and no siblings so having no place to run to is probably one of the reasons I've stayed so long.

OP posts:

CiliatedEpithelium · 29/05/2017 10:42

Once you have the debt under control, consider leaving your abusive husband OP. Please.

Ohsofat · 30/05/2017 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ohsofat · 30/05/2017 12:16

Can't cope, can't cope, can't stop crying, DH is being great to be fair but I just want curl up in a ball and hope it all goes away which I know it won't. Feel so sorry for my DC, me and DH have created this mess so we deserve to suffer but my DC are innocent and there lives are going to change so much if we have to do a DMP, they have such get social life's, they do activities that they are really good at and it will all have to stop.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/06/2017 22:13

I hope you are feeling stronger today.

Children care more about time with you than about activities. Children need very little. They want the moon on a stick.

Have you got any external financial help yet?

chaz777 · 03/06/2017 15:35

I was also in a great amount of debt but after ten years and hammering my credit rating I managed to pay it off.

My friend was very much in the same situation as yourself and hid a massive amount of debt from her husband (mostly business related but was to scared to say) They continued going on big holidays and eating out as she lied all the time. It was more to do with them as he spoke to her like something he stepped in and had zero respect. They split up and he knows about it all now but I would still say she is putting her head in the sand.

As a family, you need to live within your means. My friend used to spend a small fortune on activities for the kids but they are so damaged now due to everything their parents have said in done in front of them that they are terrible to live with.

You sound like a intelligent, lovely lady.. you really do. Take each day at a time but you really need sort your relationship with your husband as that's the key to everything x

chaz777 · 03/06/2017 15:35

As a family you can get through anything..but that family needs solid foundations x

Original poster

Ohsofat · 04/06/2017 20:41

No external help yet Runrabbit my DH is quite a private person and thinks this is a hole we can dig ourselves out of without any help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohsofat · 04/06/2017 20:49

Thank you chaz777 kind words I really need at the minute.

Can I ask did you get help in sorting out your debt such as Debt Management Plan? My DH thinks we can sort all this via a very large loan which will make all our payments into one manageable amount and then like you mentioned, living within our means there after.

We certainly do need to get our relationship sorted and that is one of the things my DH mentioned rather then me to be fair.

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 04/06/2017 20:56

Stepchange are great. I couldn't recommend a DMP highly enough OP. Whatever you do please don't take out any kind of high interest loan to cover what's been spent and please do not take out any joint credit with your DH. If your relationship is unstable this will be the last thing you need.

Original poster

Ohsofat · 04/06/2017 20:59

Have you done a DMP yourself chicken I know the basics but that's all, I've heard they kill your credit rating for years whereas at the minute ours is hanging on in there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohsofat · 04/06/2017 21:00

Hanging on in there with an ok score I meant to say, not great but not trashed yet

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/06/2017 12:40

He's a private person you say. Well, given that you are in a hole, that's a luxury he can't afford. I assume be is scared of hearing different opinions that might be critical of past decisions. Is he good with criticism?

You could take personal financial advice for yourself.

hownowbrowngoat · 05/06/2017 16:57

Trying to maintain your credit rating at this point shouldn't be a priority.

If you think about it, the credit rating just tells companies you can borrow money. The last thing you'd need to be looking at is taking on more credit.

Establishing the means to pay for your existing debts is essential. Increasing income, reducing outgoings etc.

It can be done.

Most threads in relationships - like the stately homes gang would say their childhood is about time and relationships rather than material goods.

Wishing you all the best

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