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Original poster

Questioning if I am being fair

52 replies

sayerville · 29/12/2015 18:30

Sorry if this is long winded.
When I married we got a joint account, he put in £3.28 (yes I remember!) and I had a house with equity of half it's value £23K, plus some small savings.
Since then we have always pooled our incomes, I reduced to 2 days when DD was born, increasing to my now 70% contract. So we pool everything, recently I inherited £30K also pooled.
Today my DD said she didn't think it fair I only worked 70% but had half of everything and our spending money should be distributed more fairly, never thought of it like this before, but DH is slightly resentful he doesn't have his 'own' money. Wondered how everyone else does their finances? Am I being unfair as I work 'part time'?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/12/2015 18:33

Err you are a family!!!!

Presumably you do more childcare/housework as you work less????

Please buy your dc "Wifework" to read...

ImperialBlether · 29/12/2015 18:37

I wonder what your DD thinks it has to do with her!

Why doesn't your DH have his own spending money? Don't you?

I would think that if you've put in £50K+ then he has massively benefited from this.

In your spare time, do you do housework etc?

KP86 · 29/12/2015 18:38

What of your contribution to the household? Are you paid for that time? I'm assuming that you work at least the other 30% of your FT job on keeping your family and home running well... Cost of childcare, before and after school care, drop offs, volunteer hours at the school etc. If you were working full time, these things would need to be paid for.

Your daughter is not seeing the big picture, and if your husband is worried than he should start paying you for the extra work you do and then see how much money he has left over to keep for himself!

Bryna · 29/12/2015 18:40

You are not being 'unfair'. In our house it is seen as 'household' money and all bills etc come out of one 'pot' you have in the past contributed a considerable sum of money, presumably your DH doesn't resent that?! If DH is worried about his 'own' money perhaps you can also have separate accounts that a SO from your joint account gives you both some unaccounted for spending money- so that you can buy gifts etc without having to tell each other where that money is being used? Hope that makes sense?!

Original poster

sayerville · 29/12/2015 18:42

Well I used to have childcare, DD now at uni but up to a few months ago helped my Mum on my day off as she had dementia, now on my free day I pursue a hobby of mine.
I do the majority of housework cooking etc and if either of us needs anything we just buy it...neither of us go mad and are big spenders
I feel guilty now for my 70% contract but it's only recently I have had the spare time DD asks why I don't work FT.
I also add I have health issues and am 10 years older than DH

OP posts:

Original poster

sayerville · 29/12/2015 18:47

Bryna that does make sense, I suggested this today but he says he can't be bothered to open an account.
He says I am controlling with money but can't be arsed to sort out insurances, bills DD's etc so I do it all, I don't mind just when he complains I am a control freak.

OP posts:

tribpot · 29/12/2015 18:48

Both having some 'fun money' that they don't have to account for is a good idea, it doesn't matter who funds the fun money, just that you get equal amounts from the surplus cash.

You more than compensate for your lower working hours with all the unpaid labour you do in the house. Beyond which, WTF does it have to do with your DD? I'd start charging her rent in the holidays since you need to maximise the return on your assets according to her :)

MrsChrisPratt · 29/12/2015 18:50

Tell your DD to wind her neck in.

Original poster

sayerville · 29/12/2015 18:51

TBH I feel really hurt she has brought it up. I am the one who sends her money, next year her accommodation will cost us a further 1K which I hadn't budgeted for. I think she thinks I should work FT now I have no more caring responsibilities (apart from my severely disabled brother for whom I am appointee)

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/12/2015 18:52

Has your DH been moaning at your DD, I really do wonder why she thinks it her business when you clearly do the bulk of domestic duties...

choli · 29/12/2015 18:52

I'd keep the inheritance separate.

Kelsoooo · 29/12/2015 18:54

I'd pull my £58k out of the savings. Then up my hours, and reduce what I do in the home.

See how they liked that.

But then I'm not known for thinking things through.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 29/12/2015 18:54

Does your dd work?

hownottofuckup · 29/12/2015 18:55

I think if your DD has such a strong opinion of this you should sit down and discuss it properly.
Where has she got this idea from? On the basis of what you've posted it sounds nuts.

choli · 29/12/2015 18:56

She probably wants you to work full time so you will send her more money. Does she work herself? If not, tell her to get a job. She has an awful nerve to tell you that you should work more hours when she is still on the parental gravy train.

tribpot · 29/12/2015 18:57

Maybe rent her room out, then, to fund that accommodation bill. She can live there all year round, I assume.

MrsChrisPratt · 29/12/2015 19:00

I would be worrying about her understanding of a balanced relationship. I'm in my late twenties and was given some very good advice in my early twenties when I first moved in with dh, to make sure he was aware this was an equal partnership - we both work full time and split domestic duties 50:50 accordingly. If / when I am on maternity / part time, that balance may shift accordingly, allowing for childcare. At various times we've brought more financially to the relationship that the other - Dh was lucky enough that his family had saved a lump sum for him, he's received small inheritances, I've earn large bonuses at work, earn more than him etc. Who gives a shit-we are married, a partnership, we share, discuss and agree any large purchases beforehand and it works fine.

What does DD expect you to do? Work full time and clean the house/do all the washing/cooking/admin? No. She needs to grow up and butt out.

Original poster

sayerville · 29/12/2015 19:00

Well the money I originally had was absorbed into the capital of this property when we moved 8 years later so it's kinda lost now. I haven't touched my inheritance I wanted to save some for DD's wedding - I am so soft with her I know but she's a only child and has been my whole life for the last 20 years.

Unfortunately for some reason the childcare never did count and household chores the same ....not in this house anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

sayerville · 29/12/2015 19:05

DD thinks I should work FT or have a proportional amount of money to spend, ie we should each contribute from our wages into a joint account then what left over belongs to that person. I clearly pointed out about mat leave and that you have to support each other and I chose to go term time so I could always be there for her and as a result my job opportunities/promotion suffered (I only have a call centre type job which I hate.)

OP posts:

MrsChrisPratt · 29/12/2015 19:08

Is your DD usually such a twat? Sorry if that's harsh but she sounds either a bit stupid, or anti women.

firesidechat · 29/12/2015 19:09

I think your daughter should keep her beak out of your financial affairs. Nothing to do with her is it. I have two grown up daughters and neither has ever felt the need to comment on anything to do with their parents marriage.

tribpot · 29/12/2015 19:10

So this is an attitude she's absorbed from your DH? Time to address that - with both of them.

It still has bugger all to do with your DD how you organise your finances, but you need to ensure an appreciation is gained for the unpaid labour. Most effective way is to stop providing it.

Original poster

sayerville · 29/12/2015 19:10

MrsChris not normally no....we are really close and today I feel really deflated about the whole convo we had, she seems resentful about women who work PT and sponge off their DH's! I never saw myself as this.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 29/12/2015 19:10

And when she gets married she can do what she likes. Is she usually so superior?

MrsChrisPratt · 29/12/2015 19:11

Sorry, that post was not productive, but honestly,where is she getting this from? Has she thought it through? Does she understand the effect on your career from having her, and the changes you made to raise her? The financial sacrifices you are still making to support her? I would be livid if I were you op and I'd make her and your dh aware. You sound very unappreciated

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