Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Questioning if I am being fair

52 replies

sayerville · 29/12/2015 18:30

Sorry if this is long winded.
When I married we got a joint account, he put in £3.28 (yes I remember!) and I had a house with equity of half it's value £23K, plus some small savings.
Since then we have always pooled our incomes, I reduced to 2 days when DD was born, increasing to my now 70% contract. So we pool everything, recently I inherited £30K also pooled.
Today my DD said she didn't think it fair I only worked 70% but had half of everything and our spending money should be distributed more fairly, never thought of it like this before, but DH is slightly resentful he doesn't have his 'own' money. Wondered how everyone else does their finances? Am I being unfair as I work 'part time'?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 29/12/2015 19:12

Wow op, she would hate me. I don't work at all and my husband pays for everything. I once told him that some of mn considered women like me to be free loaders. He thought it was hilarious.

tribpot · 29/12/2015 19:15

she seems resentful about women who work PT and sponge off their DH's!

Perhaps she should feel equally resentful of fathers who don't do their share of parenting and domestic work. It sounds like your DH put in minimal effort to both.

RandomMess · 29/12/2015 19:18

Ask how much a nanny would have cost and how much a housekeeper would have cost so you could both go out and work during her childhood so that your career would have survived...

Probably a lot more than what your DH earned at the time!!!!

Original poster
sayerville · 29/12/2015 19:19

mrsChris thank you x I do feel unappreciated, yet if I were to say about the sacrifices she would just say it was my choice, re financial sacrifices she'd tell me not to send her money and she'd use her 'savings' which she has inherited (not much) which I don't want her to waste when I can support her.

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 29/12/2015 19:21

I wouldn't be surprised if it's something she's picked up from uni rather than DH. She is 20. It's not unusual to have strident, yet naive ideas at that age.

ProfGrammaticus · 29/12/2015 19:22

She's young and daft. She'll learn. They say nonsensical things when they are three, as well, and we don't set much store by them then. Just because she is talking about adult issues doesn't mean she has an adult perspective, she doesn't know much of the world yet.

choli · 29/12/2015 19:23

It sounds to me like the daughter tried to hit her father up for more money (unknown to her mother who is the one who usually finances her) and was given by her father that he couldn't afford to give her money due to OP working part time.

Daughter wants to play each parent off for money, so wants Dad to have more pocket money to give to her.

Original poster
sayerville · 29/12/2015 19:25

choli not the case at all, she never asks for money

OP posts:
BuggersMuddle · 29/12/2015 19:25

It sounds like she's absorbed some ideas about PT working women but I think how to tackle it kind of depends on the source (e.g. If it's your DH moaning).

If it's all about you and DH then yes, she should wind her neck in (but equally your DH should not involve your adult daughter).

If it's friends / culture / uni, I would be concerned that she can't take a nuanced view, can't see give and take (e.g. What about mat leave? Ill health? Other caring responsibilities? Vastly different incomes but equal effort?). I'd also worry that she might not value herself if she can't live up to the 5050 ideal. Could you broach it again and see if this is family specific or if perhaps she's just picked up an 'ideal' that may not always be achievable (or indeed desirable).

prettybird · 29/12/2015 19:25

I'm going to be harsh and say if that her attitude, then let her "waste" her inheritance.

She clearly doesn't understand a) the value of money and b) the value of work in kind (admin, child care, supporting relatives).

Nonidentifyingnc · 29/12/2015 19:28

Your dd sounds like a total muppet. How does she feel about grown women who spnge off their parents? Cos by her logic, that describes her rather acurately!

Seriously though, your financial arrangements have nothing to do with your dd and I would be telling her to mind her own business and get a job, so she can be fully financially independent, seeing as she feels so strongly about it

As for your not so d h, he has benefitted from your unpaid labour for years, along with the finamcial cushion your money has provided in the early years of your marriage. A financial advisor could calculate the actual value of that, taking into account how your 23k would have reduced borrowing for mortgages, led to improved interest rates, reduced interest paid on a mortgage etc. With that in mind I would he telling him to wind his neck in too!

Don't waste your inheritance on your dd's wedding. Her principles mean she should finance it herself. Ungrateful little mare that she is!

And yy, get her a copy of wifework.

tribpot · 29/12/2015 19:37

Besides, you working part-time wasn't 'your choice', it was part of a wider choice you and DH made together (I appreciate it is unlikely it happened in such a tidy fashion in reality but this should be your version of events now) about how labour would be divided once you were parents. You both made the choice for you alone to reduce hours rather than both of you reduce hours and share childcare more equally.

When I was 20 I felt very strongly that I didn't want to become financially vulnerable by being a SAHP (and have not changed my view on that). I didn't dismiss the work it entailed, however.

Do you mean you personally are supporting her whilst she's at uni, despite surely her dad having more income? Or do you mean you both are choosing to support her?

Btw I also only have one child but I'd tell him in no uncertain terms not to be so bloody disrespectful if he spoke to me like this. Sounds like the pair of them have little respect for you - hopefully you can work on building up your own self-respect so you are less willing to tolerate this shoddy treatment.

Original poster
sayerville · 29/12/2015 19:49

We pool our finances so we both support her obviously DH is FT and has more income.

So...does anyone think I should be FT or if indeed as a PT'er I should have access to less money?

I think the best thing would be for us each to have 'spends' so neither feels guilty but then should I have less?

OP posts:
MrsChrisPratt · 29/12/2015 19:53

No, you should have equal access to money /spends. Or you can start invoicing for your time spent on domestic duties

tribpot · 29/12/2015 19:55

You should each have spends. Each should have the same amount. Next case!

That said, it would be worth doing some pension planning and talking to a financial advisor to see if FT might have longer term benefits, and whether your inheritance money is working hard enough.

VimFuego101 · 29/12/2015 20:10

I would let your daughter use her own savings, she sounds very rude. She might understand the value of money a bit more when she's burnt through them.

I think she needs to understand that contribution to a marriage is not entirely financial, and that you were contributing in other ways. I'm sure that your not working FT also means that financially you lose out on, for example, an employer contributing towards your pension or the ability to pay your own contributions in, as well as your ability to save. I think it would be a really good learning experience for her to sit down and understand the impact of being a SAHP so she doesn't end up financially vulnerable in future. I also think your DH needs to stand united with you and tell her in no uncertain terms that she can't talk to you like that.

williaminajetfighter · 29/12/2015 20:46

Op I think everyone is being a bit hard on your DD. She's at an age where she may be thinking more about male/female relationships ( eg Women's Studies 101) and hearing about the importance of being independent and not reliant on a man. ... Things that make sense in principle until reality happens but that hasn't happened to her yet (marriage, motherhood) so she just doesn't know.

Original poster
sayerville · 29/12/2015 21:03

william I am sure you are right- at least I'd like to think so :)

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 29/12/2015 21:12

When DH and I married I had about £200k capital and inherited that much again a few years later. Fast forward five years I no longer worked and DH doing well. I now earn about one tenth of my husband's earnings. We have both benefitted. We have separate bank accounts.

The ins and outs of how we organise our finances have nothing whatsoever to do with our children. Nothing.

PuppyMouse · 29/12/2015 21:13

My sister is over a decade younger than me and not much older than your DD, OP. We don't half come out with some claptrap until about mid/late 20s. My family and I frequently get holier than thou lectures about political issues and ideas she knows very little about but we just nod and smile. "This too shall pass."

I went part time after my DD was born. My sister says part time people are annoying and create work and stress by not being around Hmm

I was panicking at having spare to get hair done etc and my husband laughed his head off at me saying why on earth would we not share money and I didn't need to worry. Your DD needs to be told to get her nose out I think....

tribpot · 29/12/2015 21:16

This doesn't really come across as the OP's DD having absorbed the need to smash the patriarchy and liberate her mother - rather the opposite. That she chooses to devalue the non-monetary contribution of labour which her mother has contributed (despite in fact a substantial injection of capital early on in the marriage) using patriarchal logic that the higher the earnings the greater the value.

However, it's still none of her bloody business and she is being rude and disrespectful. I get that teenagers consider this to be an inalienable right but no-one will thank her unless her attitude improves before she leaves uni.

Nonidentifyingnc · 29/12/2015 21:18

Just to clarify, no you shouldnt get less money because you are pt. Your h should remember all the contributions you have made, financial and otherwise, which have contributed to his comfortable life

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 29/12/2015 21:38

And if he is teally bothered he too can go PT so he can devote more of his time to unpaid work.

definitelybutter1 · 30/12/2015 11:40

To me it sounds like she being groomed to be a cool girlfriend to a potential cocklodger. Have you met her boyfriend?

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 30/12/2015 20:04

Everything is black and white to teens, maybe it's been discussed at uni or her dad made a comment.

If your daughter was in a relationship where she worked full time and her partner was PT with no children and they split all bills 50/50 would you still feel it fair? He gets subsided to work less.

If DH wanted to reverse things would you? Did you discuss cutting down your hours and what was the plan for when your DD was older? He's obviously unhappy. I know a few men that got no say and the relationships broke down sadly. So many don't communicate or discuss important issues before going ahead.

It's good she's discovering an independent streak, it will serve her well in the future. All girls should pursue a career/job path and maintain financial independance. With modern childcare, there's no real reason to have to deviate from that, women can have it all just like men. Things may not be totally equal but they are heading in the right direction.

Swipe left for the next trending thread