How much (if any) financial help do you get from your parents?

[Signoritawhocansway]

Just wondering whether I have unrealistic views on this subject.

My parents are both pensioners, and we are just reviewing their finances because my lovely Dad needs to go into full time care. It's shown up that they have a significantly higher income than us, and has made me wonder what they do with it all. Especially as we are living hand to mouth.

Please don't flame me. I DON'T want anything from them, and wouldn't dream of asking. They have been generous in the past, and I don't begrudge them their luxuries. But it HAS made me wonder how much regular/sporadic help other families get from their parents (or even grandparents). Like money to help kids with swimming/music lessons, petrol money for when you go to visit etc.

My parents have helped me out in the last couple of years because I increased the mortgage to buy my ex out and then got made redundant so they helped me out until I was back on my feet

Apparently I've to pay it back after they have died but i'm aiming to pay back before then

I'm not criticising anyone who pays for a daughter's wedding and we would contribute,partly because some of the guests would likely be our friends, albeit people who have known our DDs since birth .We have a very small family
But I do think people spend crazy amounts on ridiculous things at weddings and I'm not prepared to fund that .And we have prioritised their education/ house purchase .Neither of mine will be very young/living at home when they marry either,which I think alters things a bit

My DM gave me a loan of £1,000 when I first left home as a student but i paid it back within six months. Apart from that, DPs and DPILs have never given us any financial help. They both have savings but so do we. tbh I'm glad they feel they don't have to worry about us and that they don't feel they have to support us.

Not a penny and no help with childcare either. My parents bought my brother a car and used to babysit for him all the time though. Unfortunately they have both died so I feel a bit mean mentioning it. Nothing from dh's side either through mil is talking about selling her house and giving the money to his ds. Fil told us many years ago that dh was being disinherited as all his money was going to be left to his 3rd wife.
Not a problem their money their choices and we know that everything we have we have worked for.

Yes, they still want to help even though we have a good income. i try to get them not to, but this weekend they turned up with a piece of furniture (admittedly needed and we do like it, but not requested).

They helped me get on the property ladder by effectively agreeing to take 'money back and a small share of equity' on my student flat. That was IMO the biggest help given house price inflation.

My parents are very generous. I've had a few cars - post university I paid, but only the trade in price. I am very lucky, but I also know DF cannot be arsed to privately sell his car but objects to the trade in price.

They've also given some fab gifts, like suggesting we book a holiday and giving us a budget. We can afford these things btw, but parents view is that when they are burning (pension) income then it's not an issue.

DP's parents are more inclined towards treats like weekends away together, big meals out. Also very generous, but more treats than 'stuff that's needed'.

Assuredly they still have far more than we do, and we now pull in more than 6 figures a year gross.

To me the main thing is that we expect to support ourselves. I do know they would help us if we were in dire need (and that's great that they will and they can). The rest is lovely and tbh for everything my parents have given in financial help, my DF (who is way more practical than us) has given a load of utterly practical help that has saved a fortune. I don't know if others count that? Having a parent with the relevant skillset help fit flooring or help with joinery can save a bloody fortune.

I can't remember ever asking for money, DM gave us £400 when we moved for the removal firm but other than that no. No cars, loans or help with housing. My DB is 50 and frequently asked, begged, my late DF for mortgage money a few times a year, this has now carried on with DM. She rarely hears from him and then will get a five page email full of shite with a 'could I please have £££s' at the bottom.

I'm in a strange situation now, I've recently come into a lot of money but the only people (person) who knows is DP. I don't want the DCs (all teens) to know as i'd like them to realise that they need to work hard. My eldest is 17 and a bit of a dreamer who can get whatever he wants from my XH. I will help with car loans etc but not buy outright, same with houses or flats - which in theory we could do. I kind of want them to be amazed when I'm dead that they're going to be ok - obviously when I'm about 130 or something

My parents gave what they could afford to get me through university - we still had grants in those days, so I was able to graduate without much debt, for which I am very grateful. They also contributed towards the cost of our wedding.

I haven't had any other financial help from them as an adult. However, we've had loads of practical help over the years, and if we did ever need financial assistance, I know they would do whatever they could, without hesitation.

In fact, I know that my parents would bend over backwards to help me or DSis in whatever way they could, if ever we needed it, and neither of us would find it difficult to ask. At the same time, they have always encouraged our independence and they never interfere in ways that aren't wanted. They're incredibly generous and caring, and I'm very lucky to have such a brilliant mum and dad - I have always known that I have a brilliant safety net to fall back on, should I ever need it. I hope that I can provide the same sense of security for dd when she is older.

Re weddings - yes we also paid for the wedding but it could be argued it was cultural. Four weddings, four very different styles ranging from a few people in our sitting room due to a death looming in the grooms family and it being a case of lets do this now. To one with a cast of about 500 hundred over two nights with the last night being in our house and garden, a fab night with about 120 of the closest of friends and family of both the bride and groom. The previous night had been about 400 in a hotel, and on the second night the hotel came to us. I love home based weddings.

The others were kind of in between.

I am sorry but I only read the first page and it made me sad. My parents are of the age where they could save for their retirement, both myself and my partner struggle to meet bills let alone save. So how the hell is our child going to do anything?

My dad bought me a chocolate milkshake the other day :o

PILs give us a nice sum as a Christmas present most years.

Oh and my grandmother still sometimes sends me a cheque called 'secret money'. I'm not allowed to ask why or to try and refuse, she says that's very rude and I'm just to say 'thank you very much' and put it in my pocket. She also tells me it's strictly for frivolous things and I'm not to buy anything sensible. I think she's becoming very aware of her own mortality, she says she doesn't want to leave an inheritance and would rather see people enjoy her money while she's alive. This maybe amounts to £250 a year and is lovely to receive.

NC - dont read these threads and think everything is rosie in another posters garden because how we came by our wealth was born out of the need to provide for a child, now a young man, with profound special needs that requires him to be look after round the clock at home by us, and these days, a team of carers.

in truth I would gladly give everything away in a heartbeat if his difficulties were less and at the age of 24 he wasn't sitting on the floor playing with Duplo, and at the same time be in love with a cartoon character on the TV and want to be her boyfriend.

GotToBeInIt I love the idea of your grandmother's 'secret money'. It's such a nice gesture

Weebirdie

Me too gotobeinit
I will adopt this if I ever have GCs!

NC but still
Don't be sad
As I said up the thread my DPs had very little ,especially when I was growing up ,but they were very supportive.I went to Uni , got on the career 'ladder' and bought my own house at 29 with v little financial input from them
DH did not have a particularly happy childhood.Parents marriage was tumultuous and they expressed little feeling for him .Their way of showing the love I'm sure they felt was by giving him( and later us) money
We had 8 years of being v short of money when Dh was made redundant which made us possibly over cautious when he was working again-I stayed at work ,hence we accumulated quite a lot of savings.My DDs know what it is like to be strapped and are both very careful with money
I am sure you will give your children what they need-love,a sense of security, a work ethic .That's what I got from my Dps .Priceless.Those are the things that set you up for life

My parents give me a bit of money to help with the cost of ds swimming lessons. If we go on holiday the children often get 5 pounds to spend on ice creams. That's about it really.
Both my parents and my in laws help on more practical ways eg one school pick up a week, looking after youngest ds if I have an appointment etc.
I certainly don't expect my parents to give us money. They are pretty well off and both retired and I wish they would spend more on themselves. If I was in their shoes I would be going on holiday a lot!
The thing I find most annoying is when my mum comments on things that need doing around the house eg replacement front door, failed double glazing, roof leaking. I know they need doing but we simply don't have the money to do it. I hate having to explain we can't afford it as then it seems like I am surreptitiously asking them for money!

It is lovely, sometimes she calls it 'wine vouchers'

No regular help. DM has no money and is way more generous than she should be for birthdays/Christmas etc. PIL
are loaded, also very generous and always pay for meals out etc. They will probably offer to help when we buy a house but if they don't that's fine too.

Nothing here - although my parents did help as much as they could in my 20's but I paid everything back.

My mums always buying the dc's little bits though. When we are off on holiday she gets them clothes etc.

I know if ever we really needed help they'd be there, I think that counts for a lot.

My pils are a different story, we've never had any help of any kind from them and never will.

They but me birthday and Christmas presents. If we go for a meal df insists on paying (balanced out by fil who expects us to pay). They would lend us money if we asked but it would be a loan unless they have db the same.

Give not but - phone keeps putting but in my posts.
Forgot df paid for our wedding.

Fil gave us about £5000 and Mil £2500 when we bought our first house. Df gave a few hundred. Apart from that no help. Inlaws have helped with a few grand over the years and a couple of hundred at xmas and birthday. Mil lives far away but will sometimes look after children in half-term etc so helpful there. They are well off.

My parents were not very well off and still have a mortgage and school age DC when I married and left home. They did put some money towards our wedding. Hall hire, food and hired a band for the evening. MIL made the cake and DDad and FIL made sure everyone got at least one free drink (some didn't have to buy all night).

Both sets of GP did occasional baby sitting but not much. They bough DC gift at Christmas and birthdays. PIL took us out for a meal once a year and paid. If we went with them other times we paid for ourselves. FIL was a builder and he did put our slates back on for free after the 1987 hurricane. He did help in other practical ways too and provided planks of wood and screws. In return DH helped him out when needed.

DDad and my DB also lent a hand with practical stuff. We have never had to pay for a plumber, electrician, etc. This as saved all the families lots over the years.

When we were very short of money and struggling to pay the mortgage MIL did pay for some swimming lessons and some school photos. DDad gave me the odd £30. He knew we were struggling to buy food. In later years he was very generous at Christmas too he gave us £200 to buy gifts for his GC. He had 5 DC and treated every family the same so he gave £1000 away.

We are helping our DC in practical ways. Free childcare and lots of DIY in their homes. We will only give cash in a real emergency ie. to buy food if they are really struggling. We have helped with some money for those that went/are going to university. We will not pay off student debt or provide a car, deposit or a property. We don't have enough cash to do these things for all 6 DC so we won't do it for one. DH is of the opinion that we wouldn't give large sums of money even if we were loaded.

We do indulge the GC a bit. They are all still very young. We may use money to even things out a bit between any future GC. Some of our DC have been lucky and are well off. There is a possibility others siblings will struggle more (massive student debts). We have decided we will pay for any music lessons, and other extras for any GC that are missing out.

None.
DF died four years ago and DM six months ago. We were brought up in a rural part of the UK and wages were poor. We were poor. I remember only one of the three of us siblings could go walking in the rain and mud, because we could only afford one pair of wellington boots. I spent the last three years helping DM out to around £800 per month from my own income after tax. In the work I do, I see a lot of families passing down wealth, and yet the children often in their 30s or 40s are so ungrateful. So money grabbing. I know you are not OP, I get that. Like Cogito I have (had, I think now is the better tense) a grabbing brother..... he wouldn't pay for DF funeral because he couldn't afford it (think wine and food trip to Carrefour pre Christmas....... so he couldn't afford to.....). DF and DM inherited £50k when they were old enough to enjoy it and enjoy it they did, travelling the world, meeting people, doing the things they had sacrificed in their lives to give us a stove, shoes, birthday presents, a fire, breakfast etc, the basic things we needed. Good for them to have inherited and enjoyed. Those things were more important. We had a blank canvas and were never prevented from developing our own characters. As a result of that I have not inherited a penny, I am very successful financially, and have paid for their things in their final years, but that does not matter. There is always someone worse than us, always someone better. It is not what you get given that defines how rich you are, but what you can wholeheartedly give back.

I got a substantial amount for a house deposit from my mum last year unfortunately it's because she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and figured she may as well see us settled before she passed. I also got left other money in her will for other things. She made it clear that had circumstances been different we (me and my sibling) would not have been getting that help - she had never mentioned anything about helping us get on to the property ladder until her diagnosis. To be honest I was shocked when she made the offer and was very reluctant to accept but I think her point of view was that my dad didn't need it and therefore it made sense for it to go to her children. I have to say I think she did this reluctantly because in the past I have been bad with money and we were both in our 20s when she made this decision so fairly young in her eyes and made it very clear how she thought the money should be allocated (like I say we may be adults but not in her eyes and as i see it as her money I have absolutely followed her wishes).

Apart from that, the only times I can think I got direct financial help from my parents was at uni (they very kindly paid my uni fees and accomodation- this was very important to them) and my mum paid some debt off for me when I was in my early 20s and I paid her back a monthly amount but she ended up wiping off the debt for my birthday one year (probably realising it would take her 50 years to get it back - I was pretty bad with money in my younger days). My dad never knew because he would have probably literally killed me as he was very sensible with money to the point he would go without to avoid debt whereas i was going on holidays on my credit card etc.

It wasn't about the lack of means (final salary pensions etc) but I think more that their attitude to money was very different to mine as they had been very frugal over the years, my dad in particular had come from a poor background and I think he saw me as frivilous so he certainly wasn't going to throw his own money into the mix. But they supported me in other ways, when I left uni it took me a year to find decent employment so I lived with them and although I had to pay rent it was obviously at a reduced rate. After that I have always been able to support myself; i am childless though - if i had children or had been struggling I am not sure if they would have helped or not.

My dad is very much like cheerfulyank - I think the most he has ever bought me is a sandwich but to him that's very generous. He never had a penny from his parents and I think that has always formed his attitude of 'i've brought you up to support yourselves'. But I think having lost my Mum his attitude is changing, he knows he has enough money to live comfortably on and I have noticed his birthday presents have got more generous and there is talk of him taking us all on (what would be a very expensive) holiday. I don't expect it of him though, like I say, if i was struggling I'd hope that he would help us, but I am not struggling. I honestly don't know whether he would help with any wedding or grandchildren costs