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Original poster

How much (if any) financial help do you get from your parents?

130 replies

Signoritawhocansway · 21/02/2015 15:42

Just wondering whether I have unrealistic views on this subject.

My parents are both pensioners, and we are just reviewing their finances because my lovely Dad needs to go into full time care. It's shown up that they have a significantly higher income than us, and has made me wonder what they do with it all. Especially as we are living hand to mouth.

Please don't flame me. I DON'T want anything from them, and wouldn't dream of asking. They have been generous in the past, and I don't begrudge them their luxuries. But it HAS made me wonder how much regular/sporadic help other families get from their parents (or even grandparents). Like money to help kids with swimming/music lessons, petrol money for when you go to visit etc.

OP posts:

BiscuitsofYum · 21/02/2015 18:32

When me and dp lived with mil to save for a house my df asked friends and brought furniture from gumtree (i found out we were pregnant so we had to move faster than planned). But my father did that on his own accord and ill always be thankful for it!
DF will pass us the odd tenner when he visits every few months, which i hate taking but its polite and i know will really hurt his feelings if we refuse. So we put it away into a savings fund for our ds.
My mil also lent us a couple of grand to quick boost our money to get the house, she then said not to pay her back and refuses otherwise, so I've been doing cleaning for her when she's in work. (she has an open house rule before people think I'm some kind of cleaning burglar!)

lightgreenglass · 21/02/2015 18:38

I suspect it is cultural for some.

My parents paid for uni fees, a generous contribution to my house deposit and paid for my entire wedding. My dad still talks about giving us more and I know we will inherit well. Their philosophy is that why give it to us when we're established, why not give us a hand now when we actually need the money. I am incredibly fortunate. I would like to do the same for my children but whether that is realistic I do not know with rising uni fees and house prices.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/02/2015 18:41

Also to mention that my brother died in a car accident when he was 27 and had got himself into a mess financially beforehand, which he had told my dad about. My dad wasn't in a position to help much at the time but did what he could. Now he is in more of a position to help he always tells me to ask if I need anything at all as he doesn't want me to be worrying about money like my brother was. I think it haunts him a bit that he couldn't do more for him when he was alive.

EMS23 · 21/02/2015 18:42

My parents are well off and give me and my brothers a lot. Cars, lump sums of cash, paid holidays etc.. We aren't badly off ourselves but my parents don't want to leave huge inheritances to me and my brothers so they are doing as much they can now.
They bought us all our first houses, put us all through uni and paid for my wedding. They give us lump sums.
My dad is Italian and some of this is a culture thing too. He would be offended if we refused. However, the slightest sign of ungratefulness and he would stop in a heartbeat.
He will always pay petrol, meals and regularly has my car valeted when I visit.

We never expected or asked for anything but it is a huge comfort to know I can rely on them and I do all I can to help them in any way I can. They don't need financial support obviously but I will send them for a surprise meal or trip away etc.

Their help has enabled us all to make life choices we otherwise might not have been able to - longer maternity leaves, childcare choices etc.. I hope I can do the same for my children.

lucymam · 21/02/2015 18:42

Many people don't have any inheritance to leave, but they still help out their children with smaller amounts through the years. This is common amongst the people I know. For example, buying a bit of shopping for your daughter because you know she is struggling to buy food for her children.

Apatite1 · 21/02/2015 19:05

My parents are wealthy, have offered me monetary gifts (6 figures) but we've refused as we are comfortably off ourselves. They've been v generous in other ways, helping to build schools and hospitals in developing countries and have given away much more money than they ever gave or will give me. I don't mind! :-) I'm v proud of them actually.

If we were struggling, they would give us every last cent they had, I've no doubt of that.

youbethemummylion · 21/02/2015 19:09

My parents bought our house but we pay them a regular monthly amount back plus interest. So is like having a mortgage and they benefit from having a regular monthly income instead of a huge amount in savings (I don't understand how that works though)

Original poster

Signoritawhocansway · 21/02/2015 19:10

Wow! Thanks everybody, for your responses...didn't expect quite so many!

I think this shows a big gap - between those who have, and those who haven't. My parents don't have any assets, other than they have the bigger income than us. They're in rented. My DB has SN, and there is nothing put away for him, though we will be the ones looking after him when they go. There will be nothing left after Dad's fees are paid. My DM is rubbish with money (had loads of debt etc.) My IL's still are in their 50's and paying off their mortgage. We're blessed in that both sets of parents have helped us out now and again with big ticket items (so money towards, not whole purchase), but nothing in the realm of loans for house deposits or anything like that.

OP posts:

Luciferbox · 21/02/2015 19:12

...

sebsmummy1 · 21/02/2015 19:14

I get birthday and Christmas money from my father and my fiancée gets the same. Otherwise none. My sister gets more help because her family is really struggling at the moment and at times she cannot afford to buy heating oil.

zzzzz · 21/02/2015 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberryTallCake · 21/02/2015 19:16

None, I like taking DM out for meals now. From the ages of 16-25 she paid a ridiculous amount out for me. I would do more for her if I could.

Mintyy · 21/02/2015 19:17

They have been generous in the past.

Well how lovely for you!

My parents have never given me a single penny beyond a bit of extra spending money when I was at University (iirc £25 per month).

If I were desperate I could ask them for a loan.

Surely this is the norm for grown adults with jobs??

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 21/02/2015 19:17

Nothing. They gave me a few care packages of nice food when I was in first year of uni and bought DD's travel cot last year but apart from that, they can't and I'd never ask myself to.

A lot of my friends get a weekly allowance from their parents still though.

mayfridaycomequickly · 21/02/2015 19:18

None - but between DM and DPIL they save us £400 a month by having ds one day a week each. We're really bloody grateful and thank them all the time which I think irritates DMIL in a nice way as they love having ds and are dreading him going to school

Apatite1 · 21/02/2015 19:18

yes, but remember that those with wealthy parents do not necessarily get anything from their parents, whether by choice or not. We've not received a penny, though I appreciate that was our choice.

It just varies according to the generosity of the parents!

Postchildrenpregranny · 21/02/2015 19:24

PsIL, not rich but comfortable, 'lent' us £3,000 when we bought current house to have it rewired It was a lot in 1988. (the house was £62,000)
MIL paid for childrens' music lessons for years .Would treat us to things like the ballet. (we were broke for 8 years when they were young)
Bought (me!) a new car for our 25th Wedding Anniversary (I was the one who took her shopping etc ).
Paid generously towards both DDs Uni living expenses-4 years each.
(DH was an only child)

My DPs had no money to speak of . They paid for my double bed when I bought a house-on the premise they would sleep in it when they came to stay!. When visiting, would bring us produce from their garden, home- made cake etc .And insisted on taking us all out for a meal. Mum knitted jumpers and made beautiful dresses for my daughters .Often gave DDs small sums of money (Had we needed it, they would willingly have given us their last penny)

We paid all Uni expenses (including fees ) for DDs and hope to help them both buy property this year . I would much rather they had the money now, when they need it , rather than paying extortionate rent (both are working and will have a mortgage too-we are not making it 'too easy' for them ) And it is tax efficient ..

Why wouldnt you ?

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 21/02/2015 19:26

I thought it was the norm too mintyy

I also didn't realise parents paid for weddings... House deposit etc I can kind of understand but wedding??

Postchildrenpregranny · 21/02/2015 19:40

I agree with you weebirdie .My children are not spoiled brats either and are aware that they are privileged.They both worked extremely hard for their degrees and work very hard in their jobs . One NHS, one Charity sector and neither is well paid . And we are fortunate that we can help . They are executors to our wills and know broadly what our assets are . They have both recently started to pay for meals, drinks etc when we go out together, which is lovely .
We have made it clear that we will not be paying for fancy weddings though! I expect we will contribute, at least towards food and drink costs . But if they want matching chair covers et al they'll have to find the money (I doubt they will )

FluffyMcnuffy · 21/02/2015 19:44

My parents really wanted to pay for our wedding as they wanted to "host" it and invite more people than we would have done if we'd paid for it ourselves.

We would have happily had a 10k wedding, but it meant a lot to my parents to be able to pay for it, I don't see why that's odd it's definitely the "done thing" in our circle.

lucymam · 21/02/2015 19:49

Apatite - Although those with wealthy family will probably get at least one inheritance. And I have seen the difference that can make to friends as it has allowed them to retire early, move to a better house, reduce their working hours, or opt for a low paid job they love.

marioparty · 21/02/2015 20:04

Our household income is over six times as much as my parents, so I certainly wouldn't expect any help from them and they don't give any help with finances. But they have been extremely generous in the past with time (childcare) and food/general helping out/lifts/gifts of old furniture, and my income was much lower then and I did appreciate it. They are still very generous in terms of hosting dinners, offering to look after DS (though he's too old to actually need childcare).

I try to help them out now I'm in a better position, by buying practical gifts (appliances), paying for holidays and making sure they're getting all the entitlements that are available.

DS has SN and I expect to help him out well into adulthood, possibly for the rest of his life, and he will probably continue to receive disability benefits to support him which he already gets at the highest level now.

midnightmoomoo · 21/02/2015 20:08

My dad has paid my mortgage for the last eighteen months since DH lost his job suddenly. We didn't ask, they have insisted but I have only accepted because they can afford to help us. My folks are very generous though eg they have paid the insurance for my nephew's first car. My dad gives the grandchildren money every year and my mum never lets us go home without goodies from her cupboard!

They're not rich, my dad is a retired teacher and my mum was a SAHM, but have always been very careful with what they have.

Zinxie · 21/02/2015 20:09

My parents paid for my wedding, and for my sisters weddings. They consider it traditional for the brides parents to pay for the wedding.

My pil gave us a deposit for our house, their cars when they replaced them every few years, and regular gifts of several thousand pounds, when various bonds came up for them. They helped out a lot financially. We wouldn't be living in anywhere near such a nice house, without their help. Their financial generosity has been a radical intervention in all our lives, for the better.

My parents have very little but my DM had a windfall and gave me and my sisters several thousand pounds each, a few years ago. It was totally unexpected. It's been invaluable to me. Absolutely invaluable. A pot of cash just for me has allowed me to get excellent dental work and go for a break when I really needed it.

I'm looking forward to being able to help my children as much as i can financially. Ideally I'd love to be able to buy them each a flat. This could happen if we sell up and leave London.

I'm so grateful to my pil and to my mother. The quantities of £ vary wildly between my parents and pils input, but the impact has been crucial and ongoing.

Chchchchanging · 21/02/2015 20:28

None

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