Debt mutual support thread number 6 ....... start the new year with a clear purpose and keep moving forwards even by tiny steps

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last five threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

It's inner city on a huge estate, so many of our students have a lot to overcome to get any real opportunities in life.

and I know how you feel. My life and self-esteem has revolved around trying to fit in and how anxious it can make you when you feel like you aren't. However, I have now chosen to stop making an effort for people who aren't worth it - life is too short - and start to build better relationships with those who do matter. Focus on getting away and the lovely family you have. Balls to school yard mothers whose identity revolves around making other people feel included/excluded - does my head in.

Do remember though, if you are feeling a bit shit, you might have a skewed perspective on how she was acting. Something might have happened to make her behave in that way.

I would stop worrying now and focus on the fantastic times ahead.

social stuff can be awful.

andsmile
Time to dust yourself down and stand tall.
If acquaintances have cut you out, its their loss not yours.
It is really, really hard to judge yourself against yourself rather than other people
but its the secret to being sane and happy.
Have a listen to the links I posted for Kinky

as stress and self esteem and feelings of worth are all inextricably linked.

FWIW yesterday I was told I was rude, abrasive, intimidating and that colleagues did not like to spend time with me.
Pretty rough. Except that the speaker is a moody bully so I nodded and smiled and doodled on my pad of paper until she calmed down.
the first three are true BTW

smile
You are turning your life around.
The new you - the organised, spendthrift non doormat you - may not be to the taste of some of your former friends
GOOD

andsmile one of the reasons I left FB was to avoid that feeling if being left out when 'everyone' posts pictures of days/nights out etc, and although I miss being in touch through it with some friends who live away, I don't miss the local day to day goings on at all. Maybe she didn't mean it in the way you took if, but if you're like me you'll let it niggle away at you anyway.

End of term thankfully! We had a letter to say we're getting an additional payment from the council, but I'm not getting excited until I know what it is......my bet's on less than a tenner!

Looking at the figures for next month on with DH we have worked out we literally cover mortgage and DDs, so the shortfall is money to repay the credit cards plus food. SO new plan is to take the £2800 cash from MBNA and use it to pay the CCs for now month to month, then the extra I get in my wages for the fri pm will be for food along with anything we can make on eBay (I've sold most anything of worth already though). I can take enough from the £900 I have set aside to pay for subs for the term, also deposit for DD party in feb ( her last party as she turns 10).
It's all utterly depressing but what else can we do? I STILL don't think DH realises exactly how serious our situation is. I want to shake him!!!! Or punch him. Or both. Moron.

jickjack
Have you popped his credit card bill into my spreadsheet and then printed it out (allow 14 sheets of paper), laid them all the way up the stairs and made him count the lines ?
It might assist in getting him to focus

Today is a GOOD day. Work bonus arrived, so finances now stand thus:
Debt I have is:

• barclaycard: 6735.66 PAID IN FULL
• post office credit card: 1433.66 PAID IN FULL
• tesco credit card: 470.54 PAID IN FULL
• tesco loan: 29,416.80 (with 11 payments of 490.28 made already, so £24,023.72 still outstanding.
• mortgage: £157,000, £150,000 approx outstanding

Husband has:

• credit cards: 5k (savings against paying this off now at £530)
• tesco loan: 11k

Wooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Very nice jonty - today is a happy day !

Good news Jonty you must feel like a weight has been lifted, and how lovely to be able to do that just before Christmas!!!

Nothing to report from here today, feeling a bit better about things actually. Sold a pair of boots on Ebay so will post them this morning, have a few things to relist over the holidays so once the paypal balance hits the magic £50 I will transfer that towards January's food budget.
Yesterday I emptied the last few quid from the kids secret accounts and closed them. That money is also going to the food budget, and I feel less shameful somehow with the accounts gone, rather than knowing they're just 'empty' if that makes any sense! It means the kids have their pocket money accounts for birthday/Xmas money etc (my dad gives them pocket money each week, it goes in their money boxes but if it builds up I pay it into their accounts so we don't have too much cash indoors), plus they have their CTF which I will convert into junior isas later on and which we will top up when we are in a position to once again. Kind of keeps it simple in my mind. I insist the kids have to keep a £100 balance in their pocket money accounts, in the vain hope they learn to love having a 'nest egg'!
Everything is now bought and wrapped ready for next week, I will do a Lidl shop later with the £5 off £40 in today's paper (Mail), then pop to the veg shop Xmas eve for our veg and into Sains for the dips for Boxing Day. Glad I have been so organised this year!
Well, have a good day everyone. The sun is shining here today so I need to stay positive!

Well done Jonty

Hello everyone :) well I'm still plodding along. ....managed to stay in budget this week which is amazing considering the contents of my fridge and cupboards!!

I'm just living it day by day and doing my best to manage. I managed to scrape £5 together from bits I sold on ebay so I took ds 2.5 out to the big park today and then to morrisons for lunch afterwards. Sounds like a right sob story but I could only afford one sandwich between us but that's fine for him and he had a Christmas bickie as well and a fruit shoot which he thought was brilliant. I was just nice to do something that wasn't either being at home playing with the same toys again or going to the library - again. So that was nice.

Just about organised for christmas now... dd has gone to stay with her dad who is over at his mums near us for 4 days (he's come over from america) so hopefully she will have a nice time and I can spend a little less on food for the next few days to manage christmas food so we can have a few treats.

Andsmile I know how you feel, have some hugs x

I am going to make a tea and try and keep in my positive frame of mind.

NeverFreezeTurkeys could you buy a bed on ebay? Or check freecycle? Lots of people love an after Christmas clear out and you might be able to get something lovely for free/just a few pounds. And I don't know what work clothes you need, but New Look have just started up to 50% off sales already and I guess some of the others will follow soon, so maybe you can buy a few bits (kind of capsule wardrobe approach) for not very much, and then get a few more bits later when you have a bit more cash?
And well done on clearing the OD and second credit card!

Sorry forgot to add re: work clothes, I managed an entire work wardrobe of maternity wear last month on £45, buying from asda, asos, new look and ebay - I got two dresses, a skirt, 3 tops and a pair of smart trousers..

just popping in to say hi.
had work Christmas meal last night. could easily have spent lots but was very good and only drank soft drinks once the free wine had gone. that also means no hangover! Dh is being a bit tricky keeps buying extra treatms" because it's Christmas ". I have again reminded him of what we agreed and he says all the right stuff. he is just finding it harder to put into practice everyday. He said I am being negative. [angry
He will get there......

Such a horrific month for money.

I am bloody determined to crack the budget once and for all next year. Groceries is my big problem, with Christmas a close second. Too much needs doing on the house to keep spending daft amounts on food when some rooms are pretty squalid.

I might write a list of total house priorities, followed by house wants and start getting on with sorting it.

All talk of holidays has been suspended until we start to make some impact on the home front. Sigh.

House plans:

Rip out back garden and lawn it (we don't look after it and it's a tip). Ideally we would get a landscaper in, but now looking like DH and I will have to try and sort most of it ourselves.

We need a new garage - at least a new roof, but pref take it out and replace it with an outdoor office and plastic locker for lawnmower (this is not a priority - it's leaked for 7 years, I'm sure another year won't hurt).

Open top windows - not a priority

New carpets upstairs - priority

New mattress and bedding for us (and maybe new bed). Mattress is first on list, bed not a priority.

Hallway decorated and laminate down - priority. It's embarrassing.

DD's bedroom remodelled and decorated - we've never done it and it has toddler wallpaper. At very least, new carpet. New carpet is priority, decorating does need doing, remodel can wait.

Loft conversion to create a space for DS who still shares with us as boxroom is too loud. This is not ideal at all, but then neither is cost. Over next couple of years, try to overpay mortgage and create that space.

Actually starting to wonder if we'd be better selling and renting to create some space. We have zero equity though and risk losing money on a sale.

The house is a money pit and I live to tell the tale that it is worth getting a really detailed survey done! We've spent thousands and it's still too small for our needs and squalid.

MEGA post. Sigh.

Kinky
That sounds like a heck of a list, and its clear that stuff is bugging you.
Carpets / rugs / the like : have a look on Freecycle
Ditto laminate
Ditto paint

Do not try to move : better to gradually put together a plan for the house and do it out of the mortgage overpayments (I lived with the old version of my house for 13 years - I know your pain)

BUT
In the mean time, get one room spruced up so you can relax in it
Then at least you have a smiling space.

Thanks talkin . The living room is okay - it is far from perfect (the floor was lifted when we had new heating put in and looks a bit rubbish) but it is passable. The rest of the house is just looking more and more tired and I worry that the carpets might be unhealthy - we do run a carpet cleaner over them, but they are ancient.

I'm thinking hall to start with as it is the 'core' of the house and getting that okay would help a lot.

It's not great that DH and I aren't very handy and I'm worried we might make it worse! I think we need to try though.

Oh kinky your house sounds like mine! We've been here nearly ten years and it's still not finished. We thought it needed decorating......!!! Paid for a full survey which failed to mention it needed rewiring, my electrician brother told us the day we moved in! We sank £5k into the walls DNS floorboards just to make it safe, but unearthed so many DIY bodge jobs we've had to strip things back to basics just to redo everything properly. It's a complete money pit! I had the dilemma of doing the living room or hallway a few years ago but chose the living room as I spent most time in there, but when we did our hall three years ago it transformed the feel of the whole house and the (cough) expensive wallpaper on the feature walls which face the front door makes me smile every single day I love it so much, everyone comments on it and it just makes the house feel welcoming and warm, totally worth it! The issue we have is that it costs more to rent round here than our mortgage (which is £800, rental for a smaller, crapheap is £1000+) so if we lost our house we would be seriously screwed. As my dad said when DH first lost his job, the focus is keeping the house, so that's what I have to concentrate on.

My in laws are here (going home tomorrow!) and they gave us a hamper which is kind of thoughtful BUT why the hell couldn't she have told me not to buy cheeses, biscuits, chutneys etc beforehand??!!! I've already got loads in, I didn't need anymore and my heart just sank (ungrateful I know) as I can see us just not wanting to eat it all. If I'd known I could have spent my money on something much more useful like food the kids will eat! Bah humbug!

Dentist for me tomorrow as I broke a tooth earlier but thankfully we had nhs cards in the post last week so I won't have to pay! Result!

Payday tomorrow and I must pay the CCs so I don't forget, then I can organise the MBNA cash transfer ready for January.

Veg shop for me tomorrow, then I'll have everything I need in (plus the bloody cheese mountain) for the Xmas entertaining. Spent a couple of hours on the beach today so I feel much more balanced as its my spiritual home and my happy place, and I feeling calmer than this time last week.

Typo city that last post, I'm sorry!!!

It really does sound like mine JickJack - the amount of DIY blunders we've uncovered and I'm sure we're yet to find more. We've been here 7 years and barely scratched the surface.

Highlights include the shower leaking, so taking out the sealant to find that the shower had been installed on top of another shower and sealed in with (non waterproof) foam filler. Whole bathroom had to be redone.

Or the old knickers balled up to stop a leak under the sink that we found on day one.

We're had: new central heating, new kitchen (the pipes under the floor came apart shortly afterwards to the new floor got trashed straight away, the kitchen was also fitted really badly and we still have issues with it), new wiring downstairs, new bathroom, new fences in the back, new driveway and various decorated bits. You wouldn't think we'd spent anything to look at it!

There was an owner a couple back who fancied themselves as a DIY expert. He really wasn't.

I'm actually a bit worried the house is structurally sound, but there's not much I can do about it at the moment .

As I might be too busy tomorrow, I just want to wish you all a really lovely Christmas.

cheers

There needs to be a crisps or peanuts emoticon.