Debt mutual support thread number 6 ....... start the new year with a clear purpose and keep moving forwards even by tiny steps

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last five threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

Ooooh....great!
I shall get onto that!

Never...my car is 9 years old and just cost us £300 on its mot :(
But...that's something I can't do without.
Just realised tax disc doesn't run out til end of June next year! I thought it was end of dec!
Hurrah!

We bought my car when it was 6 months old and it only had 400 miles on the clock.
I knew then I would be driving it til the doors fell off :)
Ideally need it to last at least another 5 years, if not longer.

I've took delivery of £240 overspend today. I can honestly say I do not feel bad having seen what I have got for my money. But it is a lesson to learn for me that I need to be more realistic about my spending for xmas. However I am still less than last year.

So financially I will be re-setting the spending thermostat in January. We are away at Xmas (all booked pre budget) and have planned intentional spending for this - So Im ok with this.

My house is painfully untidy, my DC have constant 'special' requirements re costumes/extras/acitvities this week as per end of term stuff. I feel wuite conficted about my minimalism at the minute.

badvoc hope your LO gets better soon. Oh think I'll do that with car tax next year when up. You could reduced your shopping bill but it does mean compromising variety and some of the more expensive foods. I can feed us easily on £50 (two adults, DC 9 & 3) but we eat mince a couple of times - I buy basics/value no brands so sorry no room for ethical buying here. We eat all fresh too, no conveience stuff...well maybe oxo. You could trim it if you want to but it is harder work to keep on top of meal plan and cooking it all.

I like that...spending thermostat :)

mines as broken as your dryer and trust me it has no warranty!

:)

Hello.... checking in and limping along.

Thanks andsmile for your ideas for me at the beginning of this thread about the what ifs of things going wrong. If anything breaks we will just have to do without it - our toilet downstairs is leaking but we have just shoved an old cup under the leak as there is literally no spare money. Our car is riddled with faults we cannot fix including a (non dangerous) oil leak. If we sold it the most we would get even privately is about £200 and we live rurally so we need our car.

I could just cry at the state of our finances. We were doing well until 2 years ago when dh lost his job and our roof needed retiling all at the same time. Then our shower went, then our car had an issue, then our oven broke and then we have an issue with the boiler (thankfully our boiler is relatively new - about 3 years old- so I'm hopeful it will be okay now for some time). We went from having about £2k in savings to where we are now about £4k in debt and already remortgaged once for £5k so really don't want to go down that route again.

Dh is on a low wage but because of where we live it is quite dodgy to gamble on a new job - things seem to open and shut very easily round here so as he did before we could find something else only for him to be out of work again. At least this job seems fairly stable. I think.

I wouldn't rule out a part time job but the nurseries here are awful and we have no family support whatsoever. None.

So now we are in this really stressful situation where literally every single £1 is budgeted for in terms of bills etc and I have a small weekly budget for food and whatever we need during the week and I am trying to make ends meet week to week.

I am finding it very difficult as something keeps popping up especially being Christmas. Today I have had to buy a box of chocolates for dd to take to her nannies house where she is seeing her dad for 4 days before Christmas - that was half price but still £4 out of my budget. I am choosing the cheapest of everything and I have already apologised to my dad that I won't be able to buy him a present this year as I just can't afford it. It is very embarrassing.

What is making it worse is that dh is just as depressed as I am about it all and we basically just feel like we are literally living on the breadline, even though we know there are people worse than us.

I know I have £60 worth of bills to go out between now and the next pay cheque and there is literally £62 left in the account, so £2 for emergencies! I am using our weekly tax credits as our weekly budget for spending (food, kids everything).

We have no money for treats. No money for clothes or going out or anything. Nothing. People keep asking us out for christmas but we cannot even afford a coffee in a coffee shop as that money has to come from our food budget and it's difficult as it is.

Honestly never felt so crap. Our house is a state. Haven't redecorated in 3 years. Can't even afford one tin of paint on ebay.

Sorry to moan but just feeling very bleak about it all. Every day is a struggle. Counting the coins I have in my purse and wondering how I'm going to feed everyone, and I am doing it but it's so hard. I'm so envious of people that don't have to worry about money. Just to be able to go to a supermarket and do a weekly shop. I can't afford to do a weekly shop because if we have a disaster at the end of the week I need to adjust what I spend so I shop every day for bargains.

Life sucks.

Fairy...I'm so sorry.
That sounds so hard. And yes, life can feel very bleak when counting every penny. That's what I shall be be doing next year.
Living rurally can make life very difficult can't it?
We are only semi rural, but it pains me sometimes on mn when posters reply to money worries with "just get a job" or "go to a cheaper shop" - that's fine if you live in a big town/city!
We have a co op. That's it! No butcher, grocers, decent discount store. That's why my car is so important. It would actually cost me more if I got rid of it!
I am lucky in that I do have family help when needed.
I know what you mean about "there are others worse off" but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel down about your situation.
X

Fairy - firstly, really really sorry to hear you're going through this. The thing to be proud of though, is that despite it all, you are managing - it's really hard, but you're doing it, and sticking to your guns about managing budget and not getting in more debt. If it's possible to get to your local library with child in tow, it might be worth a little research to see if there might be some options out there - it may be possible for you to do some type of work from home that would bring in some extra money, even if it's £20 a week extra it might help...could you take in some ironing or similar? Maybe put a note in your local newsagents window? (Most villages have a little shop at least where you can out a notice up). It might also be possible to get some type of hardship grant. There often is some help out there when you don't expect it... Best of luck x

*Badvoc.
Have a look at your credit card bills : how much did you pay last month? Round it up to the nearest £5 on each.
Now, cancel the direct debits and in your online banking set up a standing order for the round sum amount.
If you plug the numbers into my credit card spreadsheet you'll see the little magic trick that happens

You do not need to say anything to either card provider - its none of their business.
But they will make a lot less money out of you from now on.
Happy Christmas

Oh my goodness fairylea that sounds rough.

OK, first things first,
Have you joined your local freecycle to see what decorating / plumbing materials people in your area no longer need and want to give away?

As then at least if you can 'acquire' some paint, you'll be busy making a difference to the house. I do not redecorate, once a room is done, thats it for 15 years

It might be worth seeing if anybody just wants rid of toys - you'd be amazed .... freecycle, facebay, gumtree

Have you made paper chains out of all the different colour envelopes that come in the door? Some junk mail is really pretty and they cheer a room up.
And the old paper cutout snowflakes on the windows are fun to make and utterly free.
You could even give them to family members as a Crimble token ....

Fairy...sorry, is your child a dd or Ds and how old are they?

I will sit Dh down and we will check out those spreadsheets tip, thanks.

Thank you for all the kind messages and suggestions. tip I just tried to join freecycle but there is no local group to join and the nearest one is 23 miles away which means the cost of petrol to get anything would defeat the purpose. But you have inspired me to check gumtree and the like more regularly than I have been.

I think I have to hold on to the fact that as Jonty pointed out upthread I am doing my best to manage and remain in budget. I just feel so depressed by it all. Living like this sucks the joy out of life.

I live in an area of relatively high poverty so unfortunately I know the ironing idea wouldn't work (our one local newsagent is already flooded with signs looking for home work).

The dc are one girl of 12 (year 7 at school) and one boy of 2.5. We are just outside eligibility for any help because we own our own home and dh works. We do not even qualify for free school meals or free nursery. We are literally on the threshold by about £100 over! Irony being if we earned less we'd be entitled to a lot more in benefits than the amount we make in the difference. It's a really tough situation.

One of the hardest things at the moment is no one seems to appreciate how broke we are and the fact that when you own your own home it doesn't necessarily make you rich because if something goes wrong it is down to you to fix it. Everyone keeps saying "Oh it will sort itself out" every time something goes wrong. Oh will it? With what?!

I am very lucky in that because I saved all year round for christmas the dc have about £50 worth of presents each otherwise at this point they would have absolutely nothing. We have bought our mums and the nieces and nephews gifts from pound land which is hugely embarrassing and i'm sure everyone will moan about but again they just don't understand our situation.

Even mum was here the other day waffling on about cooking roast beef and when I said to her we couldn't afford a joint of meat she made a joke about how full her fridge was - on that day I had literally 2 eggs and 4 slices of bread in at the end of the day.

I have never been this broke in my life. I used to earn a good salary and thankfully that has meant we have a small mortgage but if we sold we wouldn't be any better off as our house is small as it is and we would need to buy a similar house.

I am just ranting. Sorry. Hopefully I might feel better tomorrow.

One of the saddest things is that dd has asked for some new curtains for her room - what 12 year old asks for curtains?! We don't even have the lights working upstairs. We had to turn them off at the switch after problems with damp and we can't afford to fix them. So we give the toddler a bath in the dark in the evening or with a bedside light plugged in which we move round between rooms upstairs as we need it. Absolutely ridiculous situation.

I have a Ds of 6.
I can send clothes if it would help but they would be a bit big for now! :)
What people don't realise is that the vast majority of people struggling are "working poor" - they are working ft but still can't make ends meet.
I have some spare curtains, but they are cream? Not very exciting. But your dd is welcome to them if she wants them?

My sister can be a bit like that fairy.
It's made me see her in a whole new - and very unflattering - light :(

Does your Mum know Fairy? I'm just surprised she'd be round, talking about a full fridge if she knew that was all you had. If she did know, then I'm surprised you have her round at all, if she didn't, then have you thought about telling her?

badvoc DD for minimum will be a different amount each month calculated by CC company whereas SO is set up by you, so say for instance your minimums this month are £50 and £35, you could set up a SO for £55 and £40 (as long as you don't add to the debt in the meantime!) and the cards will clear loooads faster as more and more of your payment each month is off capital and not just interest.

Oh mum knows. She's just a total arse. There's a massive history in that she suffered (suffers?) from mental illness all her life and lived with me (not the other way round) until quite recently - about 3 years ago. She was becoming more alcoholic and abusive towards me so dh and I remortgaged to buy out her smaller share of the house so she could buy her own home. She went from being quite cushy with me (as I worked full time and she didn't work due to health problems) to managing on her own. I think she struggled financially at first and now she has a new boyfriend and is doing okay and she seems to enjoy the fact we are now struggling. (And that's made it clear why we have no family support - mums too unstable to ask to babysit or to look after dc at all). I've thought about cutting contact but to limit contact to an hour a week as it is seems easier than the screaming and abuse that would come about it I cut her out.

Thank you so much for the offer of the curtains and clothes badvoc. That's so kind of you. Thankfully someone at dhs work has tonight offered some curtains to us so dh is going to bring them home tomorrow and I can sort them out for dd. I do really appreciate the offer though, and the offer of the clothes, so kind of you.

You are right, there is definitely an element of not realising some of those worst off are the working poor. My inlaws are the worst for going on about how broke they are and the next minute they are updating their kitchen or ordering stuff from boden. I guess it's all relative though.

Last night I was reading the This Morning Facebook page about a woman who rang into the programme saying she was so broke her kids had no presents at all and she was hoping they would leave some of their food so she could eat. Thankfully people are going to help her out but there are thousands more people and children like that and it made me so sad. Thank goodness we are not that bad, although we are about 3 steps away from it. The whole thing really upset me and I sat there for about an hour sobbing my eyes out. Overreacting probably but I think the stress and the sadness of everything overwhelmed me and to think others are really struggling like that. Dh thought I was a bit mad.

I have a £2 budget for tomorrow. I have dinner sorted already - egg and chips. We had chicken stir fry tonight. I'm trying to end up with £20 left from this week's budget because we got a letter from Halifax today saying we have £20 worth of overdraft fees coming out next week as before the money from the new card was transferred in we were very overdrawn.

Onwards and upwards. .. or sideways ... and keep going......!

Ooooohhh egg and chips! Food of the gods! :) yum yum.
I think this time of year is also very triggering for some...I'm so sorry about your mums attitude.
I have a difficult relationship with my own mum - she has suffered from clinical depression most of my life - and this will be the second Xmas without my lovely dad :(
Your kids have a roof over their head, food on the table and parents that love them.
Things will get better x

Sorry just caught up on the subsequent posts, fairy I'm so so sorry to hear your situation I don't have any advice really but didn't want to just ignore

Thanks badvoc and mistletoe and everyone else who has posted kind replies to me. Badvoc I am sorry about your dad . I think you're right about christmas being very triggering. I know for me it is a very emotional time as when I was growing up mum always ended up back in psychiatric hospital over christmas and more often than not my Christmas day was spent visiting her at the hospital with my dad. Not exactly the joyous time it should be for a young child. But I guess being fair she was ill and it wasn't something she could help. Just a difficult time.

So I always try my best to enjoy christmas now and do the best I can for my own children so they have happy memories. One of the presents I have got ds was 99p on ebay! - a secondhand talking sulley from monsters inc - he is obsessed with monsters inc so I hope he will really like it.

I'm sorry I've been waffling on and not engaged with many of the others posts. Hopefully I will feel back on form tomorrow and be able to join in more. I also wanted to say welcome Jonty- I have posted a few times before but not for a while until just these last couple of days so I am feeling like a newbie too!

Going to go and have a tea and try to remember to breathe. I get so stressed I find myself holding my breath!

Thanks everyone xx

Hi all. Checking in then will go and read updates.

For tumble drier dramas I can really recommended the Lakeland dry soon. It's awsome. I NEVER use my tumble drier now, and I don't iron either