Debt mutual support thread number 6 ....... start the new year with a clear purpose and keep moving forwards even by tiny steps

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last five threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

Baddz I totally empathise with your situation re the childcare and your mum. Sounds quite similar to us in lots of ways. With my mum the only way I can deal with things is (as awful as it sounds) to distance myself as much as I can and try not to get too emotionally involved. Otherwise I invest more of myself than I can afford to give emotionally or otherwise. The childcare thing is just a nightmare. Dh and I are similarly stuck.

Well.....

Dh didn't go to the interview. There's a surprise.

We sat up half the night talking about it and he said he feels that office work isn't really for him and after all this he's decided he wants to stay where he is and try and talk to his area manager to find out about how to achieve a promotion where he is. So I guess that's a positive step in a funny way in that he knows now what he wants and I dint have to sit on the pc for hours faffing about applying for jobs. That in itself is a relief to me even if it means we won't be any better off in the foreseeable future. Ho hum.

I am annoyed however that we have spent £7 in next day delivery fees for a suit he never even tried on and we just returned straight away. Doesn't sound like much in the grand scheme of things but when you're penny watching it's fucking annoying.

I am now over my budget this week by £14 ish. Which is okay actually because my maintenance payment for dd comes in on Monday so I can use that to reimburse the difference so I am back on track again.

So all in all a very stressful few days and to top it off I have the beginning of a toothache and we aren't entitled to our nhs tax exemption card anymore as they've changed the threshold (I rang to enquire). They have sent us HC1 forms and I have it ready to post but I can't find out anywhere if that means I get free dental treatment or not. It seems to be on a sliding scale. If I have to pay anything I will just have to wait until it's agony and go to emergency dentist at the hospital I guess.

Here's to another long weekend of doing absolutely nothing.

Hope everyone else is doing okay x

I hope you're ok Fairy. I'd be really cross. This hits a nerve with me because my x was a dreamer rather than a doer. I just wanted him to man the fuck up. I found it really hard to respect him and his whimsical ways. To be fair, it's a very different situation, but I didn't have the patience to support his endless pity party.

Disclaimer - we divorced for many different reasons, and there are 2 sides to every story etc.

fairylea I'm pretty sure that under distance selling you are entitled to a refund on your postage costs as long as you return the order in full (some companies get round this by charging you a fortune to return stuff though)

I admire your patience with your DH, I'd really struggle in your shoes, trying to hold it all together and getting very little in return.

Well fairy, at least he has focused on what he does want, as you say.
I have no idea what will happen as regards mum. She isn't well. She has peripheral vascultis and had a femoral bypass a year ago.
She had a heart attack the day dad died.
She needs a bladder repair.
And now the copd.
She has re done her will and I have requested she make my siblings executors too. I was the sole executor for dad and it was horrendous :(
She has given me power of attorney. I assume because she trusts me (?) and we are going to sort all the paperwork out next week.
How on earth can I look for work with the current situation? I feel so stuck. I know it won't be forever...the kids will grow and be less dependant on me, but....I'm tired :(

Thanks lying. I am angry and down. I am trying not to be because I know a lot of it is severe anxiety and not just him deciding he doesn't fancy it... and we could be in an even worse situation if he took it and then walked out or had a breakdown (which he's done in another job years before). So at least where he is I feel confident we have an income. But yes I am very down about it all.

Cross posted with some replies. Thank you. I'll read and come back to this in a bit. Just going to go and have a long soak in the bath and try to regain myself.

fairy and ((((hugs)))))).
Baddz - if your mum now needs this much help, could you get carers allowance for looking after her? Then you'd get some income while dealing with difficult stuff for your mum too...just a thought...
I've had a good money day. I got £59 of food shopping in Sainsburys tonight for a measly £1.96, using the Nectar points I got the other day (you can only use them in blocks of £2.50, so I had to pay the last £1.96 in cash). And I popped into Tesco on the way home and used one of my Orchard vouchers to get the 3 for £10 meat deal at £7.50 - I got a whole chicken (1.5kg) and an entire kilo of steak mince for £7.50! I did get two treats in Sainsburys - a Sainsburys magazine, and a Higgidy quiche, but I'm actually proud of myself, both that those count as treats now (they were every week buys before) and that I felt this week's shopping was expensive at £59 - in the bad old days (i.e. 8 weeks ago lol!) that would have been a very cheap week! Look what I can do now Oh, and I just watched a recording of that Eat Well for Less program - how on EARTH can anyone spend £350 a week on food, even if they have got four small kids?!?!?!?!?. And they were so chuffed to get their bill down to £250....I was yelling at the TV "I could feed all of you for £90 a week easily!".
And I bought an open front nightie in Tesco (impulse buy! Bad!) because I need one for giving birth in and I don't think own any nighties. But just thought I might look online and see if I ca get the same thing cheaper and if I can I'm going to take it back. It was £14, so not extortionate, but I shouldn't have spent it.

Fairy enjoy your well deserved soak

Jonty - If you're 5'8 and a size 12/14 I have some maternity jeans you're welcome to? I really need to give them up!

fairy
pm your phone number
we need to talk
get your dh a change of pants though

So DH went back to the job centre on Wednesday for help....waste of bloody time that was! He can't claim anything-not a bloody penny.The guy who he spoke to was not sympathetic at all;DH said to him "What if I can never work again because of my condition?" and the guy just shrugged!!! DH chose to leave then before he did something he may regret.....
I know it's the system that's at fault and it's not the job centre employees fault but still......
We're going to appeal against the PIP decision.DH was in agony yesterday-I actually had to pull him up off the sofa-and he's slowly getting worse, so over the weekend we're going to put together an appeal letter.Can take 16 weeks to hear anything back though!He's also got other symptoms which don't seem to have any connection to his arthritis so he's going back to the doctors about them.
Just need to win the lottery this weekend!
We're actually in a worse position financially than we were 10 years ago-at my age (46), I should be seeing the end of my mortgage and having extra cash.........

Friend 50th

£10 taxi there
5 drinks @ £5 each
£10 taxi back home

£45 for stand with toe hurting shoes on in a smelly noisy pub - not paritculalry a a nice one either.

DH and I are not speaking

Marking place and sending love to all of those going through a tough time.

It's not been a good week here either and work is piling up. Sigh.

Oh god I hate those kind of nights. andsmile. Are you Not talking because of the money or something else?

My DH watched the rugby at a buddies house last night. He didn't spend anything. We now have our own allowances and my god it's made a difference. We agreed on £80 each this month. He's down to £42 already. I've only spent £2.20 on coffee. Bang there it is!

He's making different choices now - driving/mates house vs pub Etc. Declining bands he's seen before. God bless Ynab.

lying yeah, I'm NOT getting caught out by that type of night out again. The most interesting conversation I had was with the taxi driver about muslims and catholics! Well....DH was in a foul mood because of work and re-ocurring car problems. So I needed him to 'do the kids this am' so I could have lie in. But NO he had to get his car sorted first because obviously 9am is the only time oen can get it done (a visit to Kwik Fit). Anyway as it was rubbish night and I didnt stay out past midnight or dink that much. I go up and we all have had a very nice morning. We got the car sorted together. DH's mood has lifted. Interestingly DD wouldnt goto DH lastnight and this am because he's not been aroung re work hours - that was her way of being huffy and showing him. They ok now they've been playing hide and seek and reading together.

andsmile
I HATE those sort of nights.
A 50th in a pub is sad.

Mine is going to be in my garden. We have 12 extra people staying in the house - so NOBODY has to drive and NOBODY has to pay for drinks. All of those coming from far away without kids are staying at the same hotel so I'll book them a minibus taxi that will work out at £2 a head.

Depends who it is though, what kind of pub etc. also what time of year. My Dh has a summer birthday and has a fantastic turn out but it's often at a cricket pub so everyone's outside.

I do feel a bit sorry for anyone with a birthday this time of year though - everyone is fed up and skint from xmas and new year.

Lying
That is why DH did not have a party for his last month - his party is combining with mine.

And actually, some pub parties - eg where the whole place is taken over - can be great .... but most are not

I also hate the "obligation" type nights out where I feel i have to spend money and don't really want to go. At least now with ynab I can budget towards one at the start of the month so it feels like it hurts less.

Has anyone else noticed a big dip in petrol consumption btw? When I began ynab I was putting £90 in the category, then £80, and my average for the last 12 months is £75 (I did put holiday petrol in a different category so this is just day to day motoring). In January (long month) I spent just £50, and this month I can't see it exceeding that at all. I know prices are down (I also cash in Tescos petrol save thing and so fill the tank each time to maximise that saving), but I use very little so I imagine it's massive for someone who does a lot of miles. My driving habits haven't changed at all. Have £60 sat in the category today as have funded as normal, but have a full tank and there is only 3 weeks of the month left so I might WAM it out to somewhere else.

tintin
Filling up our cars used to cost £75 each time - and in a busy week I can do it 4 times.
Now its £53 .... its made a significant increase to our profits.

Wow TiP, that is huge! Wonder if food prices will come down accordingly?

I used to spend £60 filling my tank.
Now it's £38
:)

Would be great if food prices did come down.
My food bill has gone up 30/40% since 2008 :(
Even shopping at aldi and asda I can't get my food bill below £100 per week.

lying thank you so much for the offer of jeans, they would be lovely - I'll PM you.
My fuel used to be £180 a month but this month is looking like I'll manage on £130 which is a massive saving - and thank god because it's needed elsewhere

I don't think I have ever really noticed things like fuel and food going up and down until I started ynab as I didn't track it. It's good to have that transparency about what I spend! I remember doing a 30 mile round trip to sixth form and got a lift with two friends - we each paid £1 a day in petrol and we stopped every single day to put £3 exactly in! That was 24 years ago though!

I managed to spend £110 at Aldi today - the most I have ever spent there. I have done a "eat what's in" since Christmas and run down the freezer and cupboards. And I needed cleaning stuff, washing powder, loo roll and bought loads of meat and cheese so should only need top ups until March. Panicked as I overspent grocery category but CHB isn't in until Monday and that always goes to groceries so all ok (Did buy wine too as seem to be a week overdue in breaking dry January due to illness).

Got an adorably cute and half price (but still overpriced) outfit for nephew due early April. Cost £13. Silly spend to be honest when gift category was building nicely for son's birthday next month. Good quality but irrelevant as will only be worn a handful of times I expect! In my head I have already been paid for my January exam marking I think - but my sister has been generous to my kids for 17 years and this is her first so I suspect I will spoil him enough for him to need his own damn ynab category - with my petrol savings maybe?!?

I'm loving the fuel dip - I also use the Tesco voucher. I filled up for 84p a litre - I was beside myself with joy! It's the small things . What was costing me over £50 is now just over £30. Food bills should definitely drop too.