Debt mutual support thread number 6 ....... start the new year with a clear purpose and keep moving forwards even by tiny steps

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last five threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

That would upset me too if someone jumped down my throat when all I was doing was look out for their child. I agree lots of a-holes in this world!!!

Thanks favourite I did question whether I shud have said anything or gave her what for. But I was v concious about where I was n would not really done thing iykwim. I also think how come these nasty people are in the wrong but it can be you that's left feeling awful. Actually so ironic as she was so rude to me but called me rude - kinda undermined herself but do hope I don't see her at the school gates....I then set off worrying about people talking about me. Really gotta get back to where I was a month a go...

Hello all... Andsmile you didn't do anything wrong. Some people are just twats. All you were doing was looking out for her child. Chances are if you hadn't said anything they would have ended up covered in hot coffee and you would have got a bollocking for not saying anything!

and for everyone else.. its a long slow slog isn't it.

I'm having a bit of a shit few days. The meal plan is going okay but dh has suddenly got cold feet with the job interview tomorrow and isn't sure if he's going to go or not. He's scared for lots of reasons... he's been where he is for nearly 3 years now, he's worried office work isn't for him, he's worried because I'll have to drive him there and back everyday and that's another stress etc. I get why he's unsure but on the other hand we would be a bit better off (not much once we've lost tax credits! ) and he's always moaning about how unhappy he is and how much he hates this job. Sigh. At the moment he's at work trying to decide whether to go tomorrow or not. I've said he might as well go to the interview and see what he thinks. But as he has huge anxiety issues that alone would cause him a lot of stress. Maybe that's even what's going on I'm not sure.

Alongside all that we had to order him a suit to go to the interview as he didn't have one and it was promised next day delivery for today and they sent an email this morning saying they couldn't get it here today after all!!! So he has no suit! He wears a uniform shirt to work.. so I went to tesco (only near clothes shop) to see if they had something but no suit jackets! So we are truly fucked really. The interview isn't until tomorrow afternoon. So if he does decide to go it means a trip into town in the morning to get a jacket etc. If he's unsure about the interview I don't want to waste money on a suit and petrol to get it all just for him to say he doesn't want to go for it!!

I am quite cross as I was managing well this week - ish anyway. And now with the suit and petrol etc it could be a fuck up but I'm just going to have to try and be supportive and see where we end up. I can't show I'm frustrated otherwise it will just make him feel even more under pressure.

To top it off both dc are very poorly with colds and coughs. And the council came back to us and said there are no grants we can claim re the house.

So I am stuck all round. Joy.

fairy wud a shirt n tie do alone?

I'm not sure andsmile. For a first interview ideally it should be a suit I think but it's looking likely that dh will have to go in a shirt and tie and smart trousers at this rate... He does have an old suit jacket from when we got married that doesn't fit him anymore (!) that he could throw over his arm to look like he's wearing a suit and is too hot .. (even though it's currently snowing where we are!) He's still saying he doesn't know if he wants to go and i'm getting close to saying I don't think he should. I think there's no point going for an interview unless you really want it. It just comes across like you can't be bothered in the interview itself. He hasn't done any prep for it. I've looked up the company online and been talking to him about it but he hasn't looked at their website himself or done any research for it independently. It's a bit like pushing water up a hill which is frustrating as he was the one who kept saying how much he hates his job and was desperate for something else!

Rant rant rant.

I don't care if he stays where he is. I really don't and have told him that. God knows I could do without the extra hassle of job hunting for him (he leaves it to me as his hours are awful and he can't access the net from work - also I used to work in recruitment).

I did it. Notice handed in. I have applied for 3 jobs, but actually think I would like to have a chance at contracting/locum short term work.

I dont feel I need to hold on to this just because of the pension etc. I have bigger fish to fry!

(((( Fairy ))))
Any Charity shops you can go to and ask what they have out the back? ( they always do )

Wait888 Well done. Your head will thank you for it.

Well done for handing your notice in Lying :)

Tip, that was my next plan! ... amazingly enough after my monumental moan earlier the suit turned up! So their email saying it wasn't coming tomorrow was wrong.... so at least that's something. However dh (texting me from work, it's absolutely dead and he's on his own) is still saying he isn't sure about going so at this rate the suit will be going straight back, which will be good for our house account anyway.

Have to see what he decides tomorrow. I can see us going there and sitting in the car and him getting to anxious and us coming home again (done that before with jobs a few years back... He nearly got sacked from one job because he didn't turn up for a training event - unknown to them we sat in the car park for an hour outside with him having a panic attack before he decided he couldn't do it and we drove home).

Aside from all that... I am surrounded by sick dc. Dd 12 is slumped on the sofa coughing herself to bits and little ds is snuffling away asleep in his cot bed.

I am knackered. I can't imagine a time when I won't ever have to be stressed about money or how long I've put the heating on for because I'm scared to death of how much the bill might go up by. Just generally worn down with it all.

Sigh. Going to try and find something daft on tv to relax to.

Fairy Tell him from me - grow a pair
Make life better for a long time by being strong tomorrow

It is better to have tried and failed than never have tried at all

Thanks tip. That's my thinking too. I'm going to have a proper talk with him tomorrow.

Nice one lying! I bet you're feeling like a weights been lifted.
fairy I hope he goes for it, even just to prove to himself that he can get through the interview. The more you put yourself in stressful situations, the less stressful they become. I say this as someone who was on medication for anxiety. I've had some pretty horrific panic attacks in my time I feel his pain. You can do it Mr Fairy!

Thanks all.

I have to say the more you post fairy the more I feel sorry that you 'carry' the family. DH's health anxiety, job stuff , money etc it must be exhausting.

Do you feel that as he's a step parent to your DD he has a bit of a 'pass'? I might be making huge assumptions, but I feel like that sometimes. I can't pull DH up about pissing away loads of money on a night out as he earns far more than me, and these aren't his children.

I'm mostly over that now though. It's taken a while, but we are a team. There Were no surprises when we got together!

Anyway just musing really!

Oh and I have just bought YNAB. The trial hasn't ended but I can't imagine life without it now!

Thanks lying. I do feel like I carry things and you're right it is exhausting.

Financially we are very much share everything/ pool everything / same bank accounts / same spending money though. .. there's no resentment about spending. We just don't have anything to spend! neither of us ever go out without the other. I don't think there is any difference in the way dh treats the two dc despite only one being "his". The main problem we have is just coping day to day with money and his anxiety! He won't be back until very late tonight... This job has ridiculous hours. That's one of the main problems.

I haven't tried ynab. I'm tempted to have a go but I confuse myself on a daily basis as it is!

Thank you favourite .... I agree it's best to try and keep pushing yourself to do more and more stressful things and gradually they become less stressful. I'm hoping he decides to give it a go tomorrow, for that reason alone.

Hi, posted on here last year and have dipped in and out since but thought I'd join in again

Am feeling a bit down about my debt despite getting it from £43.5k to £17k in 3 years (first DMP payment was Feb 2012). Seems like I have come a long way but am soooo impatient for it to end now.

I think it is because it's only the last 12 months - since starting ynab - that I have actually really been in control of my money, and I want to start using it for the future, not paying off the past for another 2 goddamn years.

I have an EF and other pots ie car repairs totalling around £1200, I managed a nice holiday with the kids last year and I am paying £650 a month to debts. Grocery bills, take aways and general spending are way, way down. I never ever worry about money day to day any more due to the EF cushion but I have replaced it with worrying about the longer term!

I did a help to buy type scheme under the labour government so have an equity linked loan which I am paying 1% interest only until 2019 (then 3%) and my mortgage was over 30 years so I have 25 left and I am 42.

I want to use that £650 to overpay the mortgage and/or save to buy my equity before the 3% kicks in and so I just feel trapped because I can't.

It's silly because 3 years ago I was drowning in unsecured debt and too scared to check my bank balance, and even a year ago I had some month left at the end of my money and even sold the family ipad and my own bike to fund Christmas, so I should be delighted that I can get to payday in credit and can always put fuel in when I need to and already have £100 in the "Xmas 2015" pot, etc.

I am also terrified on a daily basis on what would happen if I lost my job (I am single with 2 kids) even though it is reasonably secure and I have income insurance. Is it a side effect of being in debt that is will always forever more be conditioned to worry about money?

Hi tintin Welcome back.
Yes, the stress will not go away until you have been debt free for a couple of years.

I cleared all but mortgage 16+ years ago
yet I can still remember viscerally the dread of opening the credit card statements in the last few months beforehand.
I did not really relax about money until I had a 50% capital buffer in the house - which was ten years after that.

BUT
It will go away as stress but never as awareness - which is good because then you'll not make the same mistakes again.

You are doing brilliantly be proud that in a few more years you'll be there.

Thanks TiP.

Definitely don't want the awareness to go away. Quite enjoy making my money work for me instead of being scared of it. I suppose I am kicking myself that I only "got it" when I was 40 and have wasted so much time and money and could be in a very different place now. But, you can't change the past I guess.

Anyhow I came back to post positive things to make myself stop dwelling on what I can't change!

So, this week, three things I have done which made me happy in relation to my finances;

• got rid of npower after being in horrendous debt to them for an age after their billing errors. Means my two CT free months are having double energy payments to pay of final balance (planned it to fall that way) - but soooo glad to ditch them. Now with Ovo.
• managed to get January exam marking (there is still some for BTEC) and this week finished 175% of my allocation - whoop! Will go to some essential house repairs (wooden windows = repairs).
• bought a dress for a posh do I am going to. Now I do have a three or four ball dress-ish frocks (have all been worn 5ish times and most were from ebay, two from within my marriage which ended 8 years ago!) so it wasn't essential BUT it was £85 reduced to £22 in Oasis and I can wear it with shoes/bag/wrap I already have, so I thought it was a massive bargain and treated myself. Rarely buy clothes and literally never buy posh stuff so I'm really pleased and have tried it on 3 times (is that sad?)

Welcome back tintin nice to meet you!
Fairy sending MrFairy a big massive boost for this morning. I think just telling him you believe in him totally and trust he can do this for your family is the best you can do...the thing is, the stuff that feels scary is usually the only stuff that's worth it! Everything crossed for you today.
Well, found out about another bill yesterday, but in a weird kind of way...we bought our motor home last January, knowing we'd be trying for children and would need cheap holidays for a few years, and for some reason yesterday I got off the train from London and suddenly thought 'I don't know when the road tax is due on the motor home'...we had so much going on last year (we got married in August) I couldn't remember if we'd paid it during the summer or something, but thought I would check when I got home. I walked in the door to DH holding a letter from the DVLA telling us it's due end of this month! So, as next month is council tax free, that will go to pay most of the road tax instead, which is fortunate, but also annoying, as I'd earmarked that for saving towards quarterly gas/electric instead! Oh well....at least I've a new claim to fame as a psychic bill alarm!

Oh andlying HUGE congratulations in handing your notice, I bet you feel liberated! With only nine weeks to go until maternity, I have a sense of impending freedom too and its glorious!

Thank you

Welcome back tintin. You've done amazingly well. Honestly!

One thing that keeps me going is listening to the Dave Ramsey podcast. As an atheist some of his stuff makes no sense to me. I didn't know what tithing was for example . But listening to other people's success stories and queries is really motivating.

I really notice that in the US the student loans and medical bills they deal with are off the scale, but essentially I still find it really interesting and motivating

Best of luck lying....good on you x
Fairy...really hoping that your Dh has managed to go to the interview x
Jonty...9 weeks!? How exciting! :)
Feel very low today.
How on earth can I get job when the dc still need me so much? Dh is away for 3/4 days with work next week. Then overnight the week after that Nd then for a week the week after that!
Then 10 days in March...
Mum has just been dx with copd.
I love them all, of course, but sometimes it would be nice to not be needed.
Just for a bit.

Baddz- I think your quite rural? Are there no Afterschool clubs or childminders available? Or is the offset of the cost?

I think everyone covets the 9-3 term time only contract, but that's not really realistic. Well round here it isn't. Not saying that's you btw!

The diagnosis of copd. What does this mean for you? Will you have to physically do more? What about your sister?

I've just read that back and it sounds a bit school maamish - just trying to thrash It out.

Gah! School run!

:)
I am semi rural, yes.
There is an after school club til 5.30 (term time only obv) but it's nearly £10 per session!
That's £45 a week! And it doesn't help with ds1 (11).
Cms round here charge about £3.50 an hour but the only one I like is stopping (after 20 years)
My pils are very good, but they are getting on now (in their 70s) and I don't like to ask unless I am desperate.
No idea what the copd means long term. It's a worry though.
She is going to the hospital next month as she has a bladder prolapse that needs sorting so she will be having an op soonish I would imagine.
My sister is - well....how can I put this?
She is on ADs and is very unhappy. She has a pig of a H and has always been quite selfish tbh.
My brother works shifts, but even if he didn't he wouldn't be that reliable. He very rarely goes to see mum, although to be fair he does phone her everyday.
Trouble is mum can be quite manipulative :(
She was supposed to have a proceedure last year (which she still needs)
I couldn't take her (no childcare) but arranged for my good friend who is a volunteer ambulance driver to take her. Mums knows this lady and likes her.
The day before she phoned me and told me that she was cancelling the appt.
No reason.
She just wanted to punish me because I wasn't taking her.
Sigh.
It's like dealing with a 69 year old toddler.

Our Afterschool club is £11 - it does mount up doesn't it?

I know I'm very lucky to have assistance from XH for childcare. Especially during the holidays.

copd is an arse of a disease, but I just wondered how it would affect your life. I was thinking she could sort out her own appointments, meds and stuff but she sounds really hard work. sympathies!