Debt mutual support thread number 6 ....... start the new year with a clear purpose and keep moving forwards even by tiny steps

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last five threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

Hooker, I don't think banks are allowed to take you over your od limit.

I'd complain to the ceo of santander on email.

hooker
Silly thought : how much short is he on the NI.
Just that paying in, say £150 of NI to get thousands back is probably a good investment

and YYY to the "unreasonable charges"
again - one to take up with your MP.

Unfortunately Fluffy it seems they can.I spoke to them about it a few months ago, and their reply was "Well you need to make sure the money is there to pay the charges". Most unhelpful wankers in the world-been with them for years,never had any help from them, so tomorrow I'm ringing them, thanking them for their unwavering support, closing my account ( we have an online account that I'm moving all the DD's to) telling them I'll pay the overdraught and the overoverdraught at £1 a week,then they can fuck off to the other side of fuck.Been wanting to get rid of the account for ages and, even though we owe them,I'll feel a whole lot better!

talkin he's £250 short. We asked them if we could pay it,and they said we could but it wouldn't make any difference to his claim-it would go toward his pension (which I know would help in the long run but we need help now-we'll be dead from stress by retirement age!)

FFS all that stress for £250.
DEFINITELY get in touch with your MP, park your tanks on their lawn and get them to help out.
INSANE.

I'd still email the ceo, they've put a family in severe financial hardship further into debt.

Didn't nickel babe get her charges refunded before Christmas?. Isn't that what that court case before Christmas was about with the young man who got into debt because lloyds piled bank charges onto a minor OD.

Yorkshire bank had an offer on for £150 if you swapped to them & paid £1000 in or halifax offer £100 but no minimum payment.

Santander have a Facebook page
I suspect your MP does too super evil

Will definitely email the CEO-his name is Nathan-just googled him
And will definitely check out the facebook pages-never thought of that!

And also Twitter name them in your message and #custsvc then it will be retweeted, you have to follow them so they can contact you

Good luck with getting them charges back hooker

I went to town yesterday. I found a pair os shoes marked down 70%, style I like and have wanted in leather. They were only £32. They had a mark so got 10% knocked off but then I noticed a large mark and just decided to walk away. Even for £27.80 leather (Dune) shoes I wasnt prepared to make this unplanned purchase. I then tried on lots of other stuff in M&S and actually went to pay but didnt have time to as I realised id be late for school pick up.
I cam home with nothing. I am so pleased today....my poorly tummy, unsettled kids and uni work would not be boosted by me adding to the already cluttered wardrobes.

I look forward to spending money in the future when I can do so without guilt. I still desire plenty of stuff but I am prepared to wait. I have learnt so much not needing this stuff. I still look tidy even though I have not bought any clothes for myself since August.

Hooker I feel for you what a lot of stress!!

Andsmile that's great re the no spend shop! We need to go into town on Saturday to get ds some new shoes and I really need to not spend anything (other than buying the shoes). I'm hoping our tesco clubcard vouchers will arrive before then so I can transfer them into pizza express vouchers so lunch won't cost anything ... here's hoping!

Thank you everyone for all your tips and advice. Baddz I have considered bankruptcy but the ridiculous thing is it terrifies me to think of living without access to any credit. If we had an emergency (as we are now with the house) I don't know how we would cope. Also we do have some equity in the house so before we go down that route we need to try everything to sort it all out and sell and hopefully pay things off I think. I may bring the estate agents and have the house valued to give us a ball park figure.

I think part of my problem is mentally I am always thinking oh its okay if it comes to the worst we will sell and use the money to pay it all off.. but I've done that twice now and my "pot" has gone from a mortgage free £400k house in London through a divorce and redundancy to where I am now in a £170 ish house in Norfolk. I can't end up in a shoe box. .... I might at this rate.

Okay. So today is a new day. And I took some of your advice and got myself a huge bag of mince and some value frozen veg and i'm going to try and make shepherd's pie and spag bol from that.. and I also have some eggs and onion and going to make some sort of quiche type thing. I still have £22 left till Monday which is a miracle considering I started the week worse off than usual.

Dd is off to her dad's mum and dads this weekend too so that's one person less to feed.

The only thing I feel a bit embarrassed about was that I got a box of almond kipling slices (95p but still...) and instead of sharing them with everyone when ds went down for his nap I sat down and ate the whole box by myself.

I have massive comfort eating issues really.

I think my aunt felt the same way initially fairy.
But she was glad of no credit in the end.
When she passed away (last year) she had no debts, and had been living within her means for some time. She never went without anything, but she didn't buy new shoes every week :)

It's hard making these massive decisions, particularly about housing ime. Where we live is so much a part of how we see ourselves, isn't it?
Which is mad, of course.
It's just bricks and mortar.
I realise I may be sounding flippant, but tbh in the last 18 months since my dad died I have gained a whole heap of perspective.
Your house is making you;
1.poor
2.miserable

1. Unable to save/have spare money

It's a no brainer to me.

Hi baddz - yesI agree withthose three points.

fairy It can be quite satisfying producing two meals for less than £6 is I know what you mean re £22 left, its like what will I need, what if I spend it wrong..sometimes it almost feels like it is better to just spend it and have done IYWIM. Next month I'm gonna stock my freezer and cupboards bore then jut get £25 deliveries for fruit, veg and milk for the rest of the month. We ran out of a couple of things this month. I always used to be stocked to the hilt with everything excess cleaning products the lot. Think I've gone to far the other way. we've all doen the comfort eating thing...we had far too much wine last week which is usually accompanied by chocolate nad crisps - epci fail on diet. Like kinky said fat and skint. Worlds worst low carb dieter ever - eating 'thinner' brown bread doesnt really count especialy when one automatically puts jam on it. Cooking sausage casserole with beans n shit in it tonight.

Well ive wasted a whole day doin nothing on MN/FB watching Greys Anatomy. I have the pleasure of wind and rain and after school activity - I really can't be bothered by the people but will have to sit in a certain place keeping DD entertained. But I am seeing off the tailend of a tummy bug and pmt. Hopefully I shall ping out of bed singing 'the hills are alive' tomorrow -hashtag-whataloadofrubbish

fairy I am disgusted at the thought of you scoffing all those almond slices by yourself.......but if it had been Viennese whirls or fondant fancies I'd have joined you!!! (almond, bleugh!) I understand your reluctance to go down the bankruptcy route, I think it has to be the last resort. But it might be time to cut your losses with the house, esp if you have a good amount of equity in it.

Managing here, DH got on well in Germany last week and is meeting the head of the UK branch next Thursday for a third interview, after that we'll know if he's got the job or not. I hope so, but not pinning my hopes on it, we've been here a few times in the last 17 months so I know not to get my hopes up.

Mmmmm......Viennese whirls.....mmmmmmmm

Fairy
Get down to town early and come home for lunch - no need to eat out to buy a pair of shoes
or
go out after lunch
can't you tell I hate shopping
but seriously, how many meals out do you have per month - I have 1 or maybe 2.

fairy are you in Norfolk? If so can you get to Norwich? Go to the start rite factory shop, much cheaper than shop prices and free parking, no where near shops/restaurants either!

Well, after waking up at 4.15 am this morning,and shitting myself over our money situation,which meant I couldn't get back to sleep,I eventually got up,cranked up the laptop and confronted the bank accounts!
We have an online account as well as the Santander one-most of the DD's go out of the online one,with 2 or 3 going out of Santander.We only kept the Santander one as it had a cheque book with it which was useful for school trips etc;in hindsight (isn't that a great thing!) we should've got rid of it a long time ago!.Went through all the DD's and cancelled 6 not-really-important-ones,worked out all our outgoings for Feb and we can just cover them with my money.Then I rang Santander to discuss the charges-and I take back all that I said about them earlier! The lady I spoke to was lovely,extremely sympathetic and even annoyed on our behalf that DH couldn't claim anything! She cancelled most of the charges and froze the account so nothing more would go out.Also cancelled the DD's and set them up on the other account.
DH spoke to his credit card company, and they have agreed a reduced payment for 3 months-they were very helpful too.He also spoke to the mortgage company,just to keep them up to date,and they were great too!
Anyway,I need positive thoughts sending our way-DH had a job interview this morning and thinks it went very well;he should know by the end of the week so FINGER'S CROSSED PLEASE!!!!!!
Feeling a bit more positive at the mo!

Mmmm viennese whirls.....

I didn't know there was a start rite factory shop. I will go and Google. Sounds good! Thank you.

I know.... We don't HAVE to eat out. But it's an hour in the car there and back more or less and ds gets really grumpy just wandering around and then coming back again. Sitting down to eat something breaks it up a bit. If the weather was nicer we would take sandwiches and sit in the park there (did that last year). If we can't get vouchers to eat in pizza express for free then we normally go to a small cafe and have a panini or a McDonald's.

I guess if I was being super super good I'd get ds feet measured and come away and search the Internet and ebay for cheap second hand good condition shoes.... I think part of my cabin fever is taking over and I feel compelled to get into town. I don't think I can stand another weekend of walking around the park and tesco again. And again. And again. Actually. ... We did go to the library today. Just to break it up a bit!

Cross posted with you Hooker. So pleased re the interview! I have everything crossed. Pleased things are a little more positive :)

Thanks Fairy xx
Don't know about viennese whirls.....have you tried Mr Kiplings trifle bakewells? Bloody yummy!!

fairy its on Broadland Business Park, but doesn't open on Saturdays. My in laws are in Yarmouth and we always time our summer visit to coincide with the need for new school shoes! Had some real bargains over the years but in busy times the wait can be very long. Worth a visit though as you're local, unlike us from the a South Coast......the assistants are always amazed we spend five hours in a car to get there! and then ruin it by continuing on to Great Yarmouth

I find that at the moment if we don't have the money for a treat I end up sucking the joy right out of it.

I realise this is my issue and DH is very good dealing with me in this. Thing is, with exh I was so broke and unhappy that I will do anything to avoid that slippery slope again.

I liken it to someone who has experienced rationing/extreme poverty who can't relax unless there's a stockpile of food etc in the pantry. I obsess and worry endlessly about sinking back into debt again.

I think it's very wearing being around me sometimes, but at least we all know why!

So to take your example Fairylea (not picking on you honestly) I'd get vouchers, buy a treat type thing in tescos cafe instead. I'd want something to break up the day and for everyone to be fed, but I'd enjoy it more knowing I wasn't being excessively 'wasteful' in my eyes. This is very much my problem, and I'm not advising you to do this btw!

I hope you're not offended, I think I'm sort of justifying my own thriftiness and cognitive dissonance.

sorry been away from thread just about to catch up, I have been really good all month and stuck to budget then today just blew budget completely, bought unnecessary clothes for myself and reduced toys for dd2's birthday even though its not till June and ordered some bath toys from Amazon (was on to buy list when I cleared overdraft but not needed right away) I blame it on feeling crappy - ridiculously bad period which is making me feel lightheaded and rubbish on top of a stinking cold so I cant breathe and have a massive headache aswell as the usual the hip pain and flared up Ibs dp is nagging me to go to the doctor but really don't like going...

fairy are u on O2 phone? as on O2 moments they do £1 lunches on Mondays I try and do shopping then so I can eat out but v cheaply. if not can get a payg sim, download the app and do the text confirmation and should then work when u put normal one in. saw people had done on HUKD well worth it for the offers, quite often do free cards at whsmith for all the holidays, and lots of other things too I recently got a Ty beanie, bike lock, calendar, hot wheels car, diary all free.

Payday tomorrow and I still have a few meal maker things in the freezer.

Quite a bit down...so far this week my parenting has took a few hits:

*self inflicted guilt after shouting at DS earlier in week

*after I mentioned my DD had started tantrums to another parent, "well she must have learnt that crying get's her attention" - obviously I ignore her

*...and the classic comment from someone "oh look at andsmileDD she is bearly too big for her buggy" - she is nearly three and likes to run, so no I am not letting her loose amidst the rugby scrum that is the school pick up.

*worst of all - DH minimised my concerns about DS (aspergers traits), used snipey responses whether it was at one of the points I was sitting in floods of tears or not.

I've got that CBA feeling and feel its a real effort to get off sofa. It's snowing outside now quite steadily so that's an excuse to stay in right