Debt mutual support thread number 6 ....... start the new year with a clear purpose and keep moving forwards even by tiny steps

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last five threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

You are doing amazingly well fairy.
Pleas don't be so down on yourself.
Ds1 may have glandular fever :(
So will have to keep an eye in him for the next few weeks...

Oh my gosh Baddz. .. your poor ds :( how awful :( hope he feels better soon. Glandular fever is rotten.

Thanks.. I'm determined to keep on sticking to my budget. I do find I'm much more aware of everything I spend now. I hunt out all the yellow offer stickers in tesco and aldi and make use of all the offers! Tonight we are having some chicken fajitas which I managed to do ultra cheap picking up all the bits in 3 separate shops! And I should be able to freeze some of the chicken for another time too.

I need to take ds for a hair cut.. that's about £5 at the local barbers. It's such a mess, he hates having it done so I've left it for ages but he now looks a bit like a crazy little scarecrow so I should take him. I tried to do it myself but he protested like the world was about to end....! When the man at the shop does it he doesn't seem to mind so much (feeding him chocolate buttons also helps!)

I haven't done the form yet tip by the way. I am going to do it later tonight as dh is working late and it will give me time to think and fill it in properly.

fairy im so sorry to hear about your dp, anxiety is a horrible thing. my dp also suffers with anxiety and depression which makes him very difficult to live with at times. then its hard being the voice of hope and cheer when you feel unwell aswell.

with the ibs is it stress related? I have ibs which is stress related and certain things are triggers for me. I cant stomach caffeine/coffee at all and dairy used to make it flare up if I was really stressed although recently its been each time so having to go back dairy free again.

and Facebook im sure u can set your privacy that no-one can find or add you, you have to add them and u wont show up in searches.

Well, heeding advice and pulling the couple of hundred quid out of the savings account where it was earning 12p a month in savings and reduced cc debt. Also on a 0% all on one card with the other sat with a 0 balance instead of having a just in case saving account :-) slow and steady :-) think just needed the kick up the backside to do it!!

Fairy - the Facebook issue, could you just leave the friend request hanging there - don't accept or decline it maybe? The anger at the world is completely understandable, ive found the groups on here to be a godsend when nothing seems to be going well :-)

Fairy and Baddz sorry you're both going through tough family stuff
Lexi - well done on knocking off a bit more debt!
Good news - DH has put his next gig deposit cheque in, so we'll have a bit more to go off his cc by Friday.
Bad news - I have seriously miscalculated money this month (I hate the whole weird payday in December thing) and am properly a couple of hundred quid short, so having to use my credit card, which is galling, as I only just paid the bloody thing off! Oh well, I should be able to clear it again at end of month, just have to very good for next couple of months as well as there won't be any spare money (I absolutely HAVE to save £800 a month from end of January towards maternity leave, so nothing can be allowed to interfere with that). I WILL be better at planning and stay out of debt - I use a budget spreadsheet already, I think it's keeping up with all the 'odds and bits' that messes me up. I've been using home budget app on my phone to track expenses as they happen, but I've clearly gone wrong somewhere. I'm going to sit down in next couple of days and actually go through bank account transaction by transaction to try and see what's happened, so I can learn from it. Hasn't been helped also that we've been buying lots of baby stuff, which we already have money for in a savings account, but I've been paying using my debit card and then transferring money across from savings, so not sure if that's where things have gone squiffy.

Fairy I'm sorry you have so much to deal with, you must feel incredibly frustrated and want to scream at times I have no experience of this, so can't say much of use but rant away on here when you need to and I'll listen. I'm not on FB anymore, I had some dodgy emails and they suggested I delete/suspend the account while they investigated and I got used to not being on there all the time and I don't miss the dramas etc that goes with it one bit! Been off 18 months now, DH is on it and he said the other week that his mum has joined but he's got no intention of being friends with her on it!

Low spend day here bar goggles for DS1 who needs them for racing. Am feeling ok about life, though when our deputy head caught me at a low moment this pm and asked me what my New Years resolutions are, I don't think ' not to lose my house and to stop eating because I can't afford to buy food' was quite the answer she was expecting!

TiP I have been thinking about the convo regarding savings/ virtual savings etc yesterday and am thinking that actually, we only need £50 cash here (in case of forgotten subs......or lost bloody goggles!) so I will take he other £50 and put to one of the cards. I'm still deciding the best order to attack them, as two are high interest but one 0% ends in July so I could do with getting at down too really. think I'm going to get DH to ring the lower interest one and find out how much a balance transfer would be as it has a high limit and we could move most of the really high rate one and save a bit that way.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It means very much to me.

I took ds out for a haircut this afternoon and they were shut! So that was a bit of a shame... I had psyched ds all up to go (a difficult task!) And had told him he could have crisps while he had his haircut... so he ended up just having the crisps and coming home! Have to try again tomorrow.

I was just trying to ignore dhs mums friends request. . Annoyingly she posted on dhs wall asking if we were all okay - obviously meaning why hadn't I accepted her request - and dh said I was just making things awkward so I should just do it. For fucks sake. It's my bloody account. So I was sort of forced to accept. But I am definitely going to limit what she (and the other 2 members of dhs family on my account) sees. Facebook really is the work of the devil isn't it. I haven't posted on it since before Christmas!

Jickjak that made me laugh about your new years resolution! Mine is pretty much the same.

Thanks for the ideas re ibs nocuts. I'm not sure what starts dhs ibs off. It tends to be worst late at night - he often stays up well until the early hours in pain. He must be absolutely shattered. I keep suggesting he does a gradual elimination diet of one thing at a time to see if it's dairy or wheat or whatever. But sometimes he eats everything and it's absolutely fine. So crazy. Ibs is just such a horrid thing. He takes paracetamol but that's all he will take.

Isn't life one big fun ball.

In other news.... I have made a big victoria sponge. Quite pleased with it. My cakes usually turn out like flat Yorkshire puddings!

Hugs and laughs to all x

fairy my husband is what I call a competitive hypochondriac......he has gout serves him right for years of executive living while I was at home with three children and he's forever telling me it's more painful than childbirth! It's a good job there's no actually anything wrong with him as I don't do sympathy. Poor love. The one and only time he's let me be ill without trying to outdo me is when I was laid up with swine flu!! At least your DH has a reason to be in/a pain. It must be awful x

Probiotic vitamin supplements help IBS, if nothing else the placebo effect works on a lot of people. Aldi do them.

Ibs is often stress related.

Dh and I aren't talking. Some big sporting event cost a lot of money this weekend. I wouldn't dream of just spending so recklessly. I feel so bloody foolish chipping away with my stupid eBay and fb selling to just have him go and blow loads on a social event.

I've just set everything to standing orders/direct debits and I'm mentally checking out. There's no fucking point in stupid bloody projections and emergency funds if we're essentially living 2 bloody budgets.

Everything can just roll on and I'll hope for the best. I've done everything for the past year to get us sorted but there's always "something" that he needs to buy.

I'm not cutting my nose off to spite my face. I'm saving my sanity from worrying about it anymore. The end result will actually be the same as nobody's behaviour is changing.

And I got a flat fucking tyre.

Breathe.

Must be catching screenclean my DH just accepted a - re-invite to a stag do. There was two dates and venues so he picked the cheaper option. At least he is paying for it out of his pocket money - if he goes short and ends up short for his expenses account that I have to balance out I will bloody kill him. He has done this a few times - its complicated but his expenses are spent on a company card - he claims them back to credit his current account. The company card is then paid from the current account. It adds an extra layer of cashflow - the company card must be paid off every month, no if's not but's. Before this last rule he once racke up 3k of debt by not paying off his company card when you were allowed to leave the balance....I quite rightly went ballistic. But then I have spent...spent on the kids a lot..too much...had splurges.

Anyhoo Ive done a bitch of a gym session today..have lost 2.5lbs - that'll do me I can wait til more comes off before I buy any new clothes.

Some of our debt is DH mis managing expenses in years gone by. And I totally get the frustration of watching every penny when they just do what they feel like, I'm the one selling MY stuff on bloody eBay to pay HIS debt!,,

I was all set to make AT LEAST £400 today (probably more) and then I got a call from a friend who wanted to be taken to the hospital. Her problem was serious, but she just needed a friend to hold her hand. I cancelled the job and went and but I was gutted because I was feeling all fired up about making money and having just sorted out a great budget for the upcoming year. I am so annoyed and I feel really guilty about being so selfish and (secretly) grumpy. She did really need the emotional support. Yes, sitting around a hospital for hours and hours sucks (should have taken a book!) but I was just annoyed at losing all that income on THE FIRST DAY OF MY NEW FINANCIAL LIFE.

There will be other days. It will be OK.

Fairy I have awful IBS. The worst trigger for me is stress, which I would imagine is what is setting off your DH. I honestly think the best course of action for him is GP, counselling and possibly CBT as the anxiety is the problem, the IBS is the symptom. I doubt changing diet will help unless the anxiety is helped. He needs talking therapy to work through what the problem is. Any meds/changes will only sticking plaster over the way he feels. I have sympathy - anxiety is awful to live with and I know how draining it can be on the family. Once you're into a cycle of it, it is very hard to climb out without some help, but it is possible.

Well, lots of expenses out of our household account this month, and seven days until DH gets paid and his money goes in, means there is £25 for the weekly shop on Friday, for the two of us. About half what it usually costs. However, I've been through and menu planned my socks off, using up everything i can find at home, and I reckon I can do it for about £22. Luckily we don't need washing powder etc this week!

Hi all,
Flying visit as I'm in Berlin .... As you do.

Irritable Bowel
Try fasting .... Seriously, it works. Cures it.

Stressy DH's : kick them in the shins from me
Xx TIP

Tip...do you fast on consecutive days or alternate?

Well we're still at a stalemate here. Nobody is budging. I have no idea how to come back from here whilst actually maintaining some of my original points. Atmosphere is shyte.

And I had to get new school shoes for DCs today

And I just looked at what I'd be 'entititled to' if I left .

This is all a bit unhealthy really but I do need to find a resolution without resorting to murder as I'm not sure the life insurance would pay out

Oh screen hope you get something resolved soon. What normally happens who is the one who offers the olive branch?

I just got some new shoes for DS - I got hush puppies for £20 from M&M direct (cheap sports stuff) as cheapy ones from Sainsburys didnt last (to be fair I normally buy clarks or M&S) Looked down at new shoes yesterday thinking oh look at shiney leather etc to end up gaping how half mast his trousers have become - swear there was plenty room in them two weeks ago.

Well I know some would tut tut at this - I discussed this with DH and he agree that we are not totally hardline approach re debt repayments we still have new cars/sky/gym...and the DC's activities which now cost £400 ish per term. But as we have said we value these experiences over other spending. We paired back pocket money, so no monthly clothes spending cancelled a holiday. I have by hook n crook paid for their Birthday parties this month and met all bills. But now down to the wire with food and petrol - but I do have some funds to claim from toipcashback which will ease it and a cheque to pay inthat will cover petrol.

I just feel guilty we have this stuff but i also think we pay out 20% of our monthly income on debt repayments - they are £151 higher per month than our mortgage. I know everyones situation is relative. We must be a prime example of how to work hard to achieve a good level of income and fuck it all up.

Worst is no savings for kids.

Screen if it's any comfort we are also still barely speaking. I saw somewhere that divorce rates are highest in January which made me smile.... I hope things get resolved for you soon. It is very difficult being the one in the relationship who watches the finances and the other doesn't give a fuck. Luckily my dh is if anything too tight re money. I am the spendy one. But in my previous marriage my now ex was just awful. We would set a budget and agree to it and then I would find out he'd gone and spent about £200 on some flipping star trek model or something. .. and then when I moaned about it he'd say I spent too much on food anyhow and expected us to literally live on value pasta and tomato puree and cheese for a week. Stupid arse.

Andsmile I think we all have to make peace with our own budgets. As long as the debt is going down and is being addressed it doesn't matter I don't think to have some spare money floating about. Life is just miserable without any pleasure at all. Dh and I have a "tattoo jar" which is our treat money and we whittle away anything we can to that. Admittedly it is pretty empty now but gradually we do build up a pot.

Dh couldn't do fasting for his ibs I don't think. He is extremely thin as it is - about 9 stone and tall and skinny! I'll mention it to him though. I do think it is probably stress related but he really won't get any help for it. Or he will go to the gp, have tests, be given medication which he won't take and an appointment for counselling which he won't attend.

So round and round we go.

I'm feeling quite poorly and sorry for myself today. Don't know what's wrong with me, maybe a bug or maybe just run down. Dh and I still barely speaking really. I think this is the longest we have ever been like this. Things feel quite bleak in terms of the future. .. which I know they aren't really but they do feel that way. Our youngest is very demanding and full of tantrums and that in itself is just exhausting.

When I was pregnant with ds and even just after we had him both of us were keen to have another and finances were going okay and then dh got made redundant from that job and everything went pear shaped with the house and ds has turned into a total terror, obviously we love him lots but he really isn't an easy child! So I don't know where that leaves us re more children. Dh is much younger than me and I'm getting on a bit now. So maybe that's it.

I don't know. And then what? I am fairly limited with jobs etc as we have no family support at all and the nursery ds will go to next year is just for 3 hours a day! I'll keep my eyes peeled but not many jobs for 3 hours a day and dh never ever has regular days or hours at work to work around.

Blah. Dh is off work next week and I hope the atmosphere is better by then otherwise it will be a miserable week for everyone. I'm probably not helping by coming to bed and sitting on the sofa on my phone. Just feel a bit angry about everything I guess.

Night all. Hope its a better day for everyone tomorrow x

Hi fairrylea thats a kind comment about making peace with our budgets..

Did you try an talk about what you both would like to do next week? Is there someway you can tire DS out (I take DD swimming) and he will be quieter or even nap in the afternoon so you and DH could watch some grown up tv?

Dont forget January sunlight hours are terrible too, this can affect moods...I know its not the answer to all but adds another layer of grim when you feeling rubbish.

What do you think you could to change to brighten up your future. - One thing I can say is when your DS's free childcare kicks in that bit of headspace/relief will make a difference.

Fairy lea - could you do some type on online work from home? Like Mumsnet recruit editors who work from home? Then you could fit it in around family stuff?
Screen I hope things get better soon, I hate it when we aren't talking - is worth calling a 'family meeting' and properly laying your cards on the table while trying. Not to bash him over the head with a chair?

Thanks all. We don't really argue. I have no strategies here as it's never happened before.

I could suggest something to move it all forward and then I think why should I? I dunno. We can't carry on like this forever. He's out tonight anyway (weekly club) so on it goes.

Ok I think the divorce lawyers can cease and desist

We'll talk properly later but I think we might have some solution. An 'entertainment/personal spends' envelope each.

He is fairly contrite so that's good enough for now.