Debt mutual support thread number 5 .... the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last four threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2142758-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-4-every-journey-starts-with-the-hardest-first-step

We live in a society that makes it incredibly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

Lobsters
How much did he go overdrawn by?
Was it less than the £25 before they added their charge?
How long was he overdrawn for and what transactions were out of kilter to cause it?
They are not supposed to charge if the balance by the end of the working day was back within limits.

screenclean
Its best to let them fill as then people cannot get orphaned on an old thread

So some good news, some money coming in that will sort debts and leave us with savings, hopefully getting closer to another job and a chance at having a great Christmas...I do intend to be pretty much completely debt free by the end of next year

Well done sporting - it all counts. I remembered to do my expenses and send them in.

Hi girls very briefly as I'm soooo exhausted ! My secret Santa pressies arrived yesterday and I'm thrilled !!! Someone went to a lot of trouble picking little things out :D in keeping them to bulk up Santa pressies on Christmas Day ! Does anyone know where to say thanks !!! A big thank you to whoever sent it & nominated me !!!!

Oh lovely snowie. I think there's s thread in site stuff?

Snowie
You'll need to NameChange for that post - to the number on your parcel
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/a2223380-Come-sing-a-Thank-You-for-your-Secret-Santa-2014-gift

I got one last year I nominated certain people this year and donated and it made me go all fluffy inside!

I got a secret Santa pressie too this year and I cried when it came. MN has been amazing through my illness and our debt journey, I can't thank you all enough , and I'm so so touched that someone thought to nominate me. I will definitely be donating next year

Me too ! Thanks TIP I'm a bit confused (drafted phone difficult to navigate forums!). Ill have to dig out all the numbers soon I ripped open the parcel late one evening after a night out :)

hi, is there room for a newcomer?
I am not ready to actually sit down and add up exactly what we owe just yet but let's just say the cards are maxed and I fear for the future . we either pay the cards or eat and put fuel in the car is the situation I fear we are heading to.
I feel alone because dh is adamant everything is Ok and there's nothing to worry about. I feel his head is firmly in the sand.
planning to tackle the situation in January and get some proper advice. just worried about getting dh on board

Hi there popperdoodles and welcome aboard.
You have just taken the hardest step : admitting there is a problem.
Worry not about your DH - he may take a while, but you'll get him on board.

Sit down quietly and work out your first estimate.
Then make sure that you get ALL your cards switched over to standing orders : as then they are heading in the right direction.

It will be OK
and these threads are a very supportive place.

You are very welcome here Popper.

My DH also really struggled to 'get his head right' with regards not spending. We have had a busy, hardworking and exhausting year and both managed to get the career-progressing jobs we wanted after slogging away for YEARS. My DH finally clicked financially after we got the You Need A Budget programme (which several people on here use) and it all has fallen into place for us.

The last three months since we properly got into living within our means have been the best of our marriage. We moved house to somewhere smaller which we are renting as an interim. Things have been really tough but we are getting there.

thank you for the prompt and warm welcome. I fully understand things are not right and we must do something. dh is my big concern. I manage the monthly money and bills. it is so stressful watching every penny while he just keeps spending! He doesn't buy things, he spends on hobbies and going out, entertainment etc. I fear for our marriage if he won't get onboard. We have a loan finishing in 3 months time and he thinks this will solve all our problems. he doesn't realise the money we save on the repayment isn't going to go as far as he thinks it will. we are Ok for this month, bills are paid and Christmas is sorted all be it with a little cc help. I. don't want to ruin the Christmas holidays by falling our with him so will wait until January, new year fresh start kinda thing. Fingers crossed he will listen and agree to us seeking proper advice. thanks for listening.

popper
we are your proper advice : and a lot cheaper free than other sources.

Pop the details on his most head in the sand card onto my spreadsheet (link in OP)
print it out : allow 12 sheets of paper
make him walk along it and think what he'll be doing in 18 years when he's finished paying for today's silliness.

TBH I would start the war of attrition this weekend : do not bottle it up - he'll notice.
Do not make him change now
but make him realise that you have changed now

If you read back through the threads, trainers is the proof that the juggernaut can be turned around
but you have to sell it as something you do want rather than something you do not
IYSWIM

Is it that he can't face the facts, think he works hard so should be able to buy whatever he wants, or is he just oblivious?

With my DH it was a mix of the first two plus just not bring bothered enough to budget and treating his overdraft like it was his own money (he was constantly overdrawn). The wake up call was long but he realises he doesn't "deserve" to spend whatever he fancies, we live in a London so he doesn't have the same financial freedom as his friends from home.

I made my DH write down the things that stopped him budgeting and be honest, then we went from there.

blushes ahh thanks TiP!

What I will say is that we had three particularly awful months in the summer to claw further out of overdraft (which is when I found this thread) and since then everything has felt easier in comparison.

trainers
credit where credit is due

you have achieved something I never had to : and something that is far more common than many admit.

Your juggernaut turning skills are something you should shout about
its also useful that not only is your DH turned around, but fully on board for the rest of your lives
that is a mahoosive achievement : of which you should both be proud

AND its something worth reinforcing to others that it can be done

I luff these threads

Hello poppers .

I fell off again. It's because I have been awful with money this month.

I've still stayed away from CC though, so not all bad. The tiny savings we had are gone. Someone pass me a grip please.

TiP I genuinely think these threads (even when I was just lurking) have been the difference for us. A source of support about a situation we have been struggling with for years.

Last night we had curry with leftover vegetables for dinner and DH bought naan, poppadoms and a beer each and it felt like luxury, whereas that would just have been a normal night beforehand. We have more 'celebratory' meals like a Sunday roast (and invite friends/family around to kill two birds with one stone) now but are frugal during the week, being more organised with packed lunches, a single weekly food shop at Aldi and making do rather than picking up extras/treats.

Grip for Kinky
December is probably the spendiest month so it should be uphill from here!

Thanks for the welcomes. dh has royally pissed me off this morning by going on an all night bender. He is proper grovelling but I don't want to even think about how much he might have spent last night.
Our debts are high, v high. Rough estimates are £4500 overdrafts, £35,000 at least on credit cards plus couple of hundred quid on Next. We have an unsecured loan which finishes in march which is one positive. We cannot afford it, simple as that. Food and fuel are going on cards every month. It's bad. We will pretty soon run out of credit and then will have to decide whether to pay cards or eat. I doubt we would get any kind of consolidation alone.
I personally have cut back to the point I have nothing. 3 Boys do sport which together costs us around £120 a month and I don't want them to have to give that up, already I make them cycle to school because we can't afford the bus fares and they only get £5 a month pocket money plus £10 each for their phones which they need as they do a long cycle each day.
Boiler is playing up, hopefully going to get it repaired under a fixed price thingy from British gas but still a worry and an extra expense.
I really want to sort this. I am stick of the worry. I want a fresh start. Dh says he works really hard and needs to go out socialising to be happy. I need to get through to him but it won't be pleasant or quick. I have been bottling this up for a long time. He insists everything will be fine and for a long time i believed him and trusted him but his view of our finances is so out of touch with the reality now. I feel like just handing it all over to him. If he thinks it's fine, there you go you sort it out. I admire his positive attitude but that just leaves all the worry on my shoulders.

Sorry that turned into such a rant but I just can't talk to anyone in real life about this. My parents don't know and i don't want them to. They are both retired and although comfortable they would be unable to help financially and I don't want them to try to.

Thanks for listening

Argh Kinky I meant downhill as in easier after December!

Popper can you roughly itemise your outgoings so we can see where you might be able to make savings?

Kinky
Its nearly the end of term
The marking money will be much better next year after the roasting that OfQual are giving the exam boards
You WILL get through this.

popper
The purpose of these threads is to let people rant and scream and explain and say all the things they cannot say to real life friends/family.
And the next few months are going to be tough.
But you will succeed.

thread six is up : but please fill this one first

I think all of us know that actually there has to be a compromise when dealing with debt as with everything in adult life.

My dh sold his stoopid car - overpriced bmw. It was a huge deal for him, but he did it with good grace. Now when he wants a costa coffee I mostly don't whinge.

I am in debt due to non essential surgery, but he never mentions it (done before we were together).

We're not massively intense about it because it sucks the joy out of everything we do. If we weren't dealting with it now then I know we'd be in shit street in about 5 years, but as it is we're ok. We agreed that we have a life, and that everything will be paid off in 18m @ 0% so it's a marathon not a sprint.