Debt mutual support thread number 5 .... the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last four threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2142758-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-4-every-journey-starts-with-the-hardest-first-step

We live in a society that makes it incredibly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

Probably not cathartic, probably more soothing? iyswim?

We've always done home made cards - but I'll only be posting them to a very few people this year - mostly those without FB
and my 'family letter' essential as family are spread all over the world goes out by email now

extra cards I always buy in January - dirt cheap - and store : covers the ones the kids want to do for school

Our Decorations and tree went up today.
£50 on a 9ft tree, 4 baubles ( we each buy one unique one per year ... have quite a few now ) and a poinsettia - some of my decorations are older than I am.

have arranged a "not Christmas" family lunch - so that will save on present postage for all of us

kinky its nearly the end of term. Hang in there

Hi all - thanks for the help re Santa presents I've had to manage DS' expectations & told him not to ask Santa for a DS / xbox/ wii u and we can get one in the spring with our own money. It's a massive load off my mind ! As it is we had unexpected expenses as dd was sick I was sick so doc x 2 plus extra minding for dd I had to pay for. So as usual down to the wire before payday. Anyway with my 500 Xmas savings I can now comfortably buy Xmas food & all relations' pressies plus pressies for us (books each) without freaking out! I feel like he would be a bit disappointed but I need to get him off all those games anyway they're driving everybody nuts !!

Hello all, sorry to barge in.
I need to re engage with the thread, small panic over how we have used the money but we did have reasons.

In herited 48k and paid off 17k, 4k into savings for a year, 21k on necessary house improvements - rebuilt the mouldy leanto and fitted windows. I have accounted for the rest on xmas, outings and some 'fun' shopping. Mainly I was worried that if we paid off the last 27k we would have had no improvements to the house, and would have saved 300 a month, which would have paid some more off the mortgage. Dh however is really depressed and I feel that living in less of a mess and damp will make it easier to be frugal. Plus I have a pay rise soon, and personally am debt free bar 2000.

Hi nerf - what are you panicking over ? If you had paid off all debt instead ? If you had then yes you would be depressed by your surroundings, no debt but little chance of improvements for years or else more debt to pay for it. I think you did the right thing - there needs to be a balance between living & paying off debt !!

Thanks snowie, that's it in a nutshell. The improvements were fairly basic to prevent damp and ants etx rather than to create space or make things more luxurious.
I think I'm okay with it, just back to the plodding now

Nerf...I can relate!
We got given £10k last year.
£1.5k went on our overdrafts.
£1k went on new winter wardrobes for all of us...coats, boots, Clothes the works
£1k on Xmas
The rest went on;
A long weekend on wales and household stuff and repairs :( new back windows, New kitchen. New carpets.
It's depressing, but then again....I know have a working kitchen! :) and carpets with no stains on! And the back bedrooms are now warmer!
At least you have savings!
That's my aim for next year.
I am with the pp in that I am just going to lurch to the end of December and reassess in jan.
Last week was bad :(
£300 on car to get it through it's mot :(
Ds2 has broken his glasses - no idea how much £ that will be.
£50 for a deposit for a trip for ds1 next year
Dinners have gone up so ds1 now needs £15 a week dinner money
I am having tests at hospital on Friday under Dhs bupa scheme so thats a £50 excess
Both Dh and I are overdrawn :(
I have a balance on my next account
And then there is the cc and loan.
Sigh.
Hoping nothing else happens this year...not sure I am emotionally, let alone financially prepared for it :(

£200 unplanned spending in the last 24 hours.

I awoke feeling guilty, id had that dream of not getting anywhere despite walking tooo - anxiey dream.

I feel a bit unravelled - diet, house and spending....

Nerf
You did the right thing.
Investing in making your home more comfortable and cheaper to run is good spending.
And yes, you still have a mortgage, but its on a property that you have made to be how you want it so that is a good thing

Same as badvoc rightly spending money on the things in her house that made her depressed.

I could have been mortgage free 10 years ago - but I'd have been stuck with a poky kitchen and bathroom that wound me up every day.
Do I waited 6 years and made the house such that I smile every time I walk in the door.

And remember
all of you are going into Christmas with your eyes firmly on how you have / are affording it - so there will be no regrets in January.
That will be a good start to the new year

and I'll get a new thread sorted out in time

See last year we had a massive scare and had to consider selling the house. So I felt that as well as improving living conditions for us, we would be able to sell it quickly if we had to now. But I don't want to make excuses for avoiding paying it off

Nerf...yes. I understand completely.
I got an automatic update email from zoopla the other day...it estimates the value if your house.
Ours is apparently now "worth" £210k.
We owe £140k.
So I think the work we did will be worth it in the long run - as well as knowing if we had to sell up we would be ok.
Don't think Dh has ever considered this, but I do!
I agree with tip...my kitchen was a disaster zone. It was actually dangerous electrics wise.
Yes, I would rather have not spent the the money, but it's so nice to know that the sink doesn't leak, and that I'm not taking my life in my hands every time I turn on an appliance!
Dh gets a small bonus in March which we usually use for a week away in the UK, but it may have to go on clearing the overdrafts :(

and I think mine's about £400. Am a spendy loon.

A new year is on the horizon and, since started doing this, have paid down considerable £££ so I know we have taken positive steps. It's not all going to be perfect instantly.

We should all make some spending resolutions. I think mine will be to start a proper savings account that I DON'T TOUCH and to beat the last CC. Also, 2015 IS going to be the year that I finally stick to a grocery budget and do not get persuaded to buy pointless crap and eat far too much .

I did that Sainsburys thing yesterday, went in for a couple of bits and spent £120. Bastard TU sale.

(disclaimer, I know it is my fault, but I like to lay blame )

neverfreeze
My extension, all up, cost me £130 k (yes really) and I only regret not spending more on insulation
because the space I created (one pic on my profile) makes me happy every day.

AS Y'all know my three obsessions are debt control, weight loss and state education
scarily they are all the same
they are about prioritising, long term view and sensible rationing

once those are in place, life gets good

Well it's interesting to hear other views.
I just worry that I've fallen into that trap of justifying not paying off debt.
It's really hard to pay 200 quid off a cc instead of doing something fun/getting nice clothes/buying an 'essential' item.

Hello everyone.

Feeling sad tonight. Which is odd because I really do not have anything to be sad about.

This is the first year I can remember that I have not had the tree and all decorations up by Dec. 1st. I do have one solitary candle burning, which is comforting and cosy. I think I might leave the rest of it for a couple of weeks and see what happens.

I almost feel as if I'd rather skip it all and just be in January and starting the process of properly knuckling down. I guess it has to do with my need to do things well. If I can't do christmas 'right' I'd really rather not do it at all.

I'm sorry for not engaging with others' recent comments - I don't have the energy to organise my thoughts. But I do wish each of you well in whatever way would most benefit tonight.

Hello all... Not posted for ages. Bastard miscarriage. Anyway, it's kind of ok here.

We've had some massive purchases. New wardrobes, iPad, laptop, car insurances, professional registrations... I accidentally overpaid one of the Ccs by £400

The wardrobes were from ikea and were a 'wedding gift'. The iPad was a purchase made rather in haste once my other one ballsed up. It was post miscarriage and dh did it without much rationed discussion. As we said at the time - cheaper than a baby (wry smile).

The laptop is great. It was from a friend of Dhs - only £130 and its six months old. Does everything we need including running my budget spreadsheet.

Xmas gifts all agreed and budgeted for.

It is TIGHT but we were £45k in debt (stoopid car) and now it's £18.5

We actually went to an Xmas market today. It was crowded and vile but I resisted my urge to purse my lips at overpriced tat. We had a good time, and didn't oveerspend. That's something of a miracle in this house.

Holger that's how I feel

Fallen out with DH too

So sorry to hear of your miscarriage Onwards. Sending

((((( Holger ))))
FWIW this is the first year I've had tree and decs up before the 15th of December (because DD is off partying next weekend)

Set aside an hour to put what you have up next weekend.

As you put up each item, look at it and remember a good thing about the day you bought it a sure fire way to slow down the process and not need new
if needs be get a smaller tree so that it looks fuller

but DO make your house shiny and reflective at this winter time of year
you do know that the Christian holiday was put on top of the pagan midwinter one to brighten up the dark days

Right by whose version?
right is : bring a smile - cheesy music on the CD, getting the old stuff out of the loft, embarrassing the kids with the angel they made in year 1

its not about spending money
its about spending TIME

onwards

(((( Onwards )))
I believe the phrase you are looking for at most Christmas markets is "Landfill"
PITA on the miscarriage - but you and DH are working as a team now and will head into 2015 stronger and more focused than you have been in a long time -
as I said to a dear friend face to face : have champagne this week and then enjoy the long dark nights.

It's complex. Yes my reluctance to 'do' Christmas is somewhat related to money matters, because this year I will have to think about every purchase in a way that I haven't before. So I might not be able to do all the bits I'd like to. But I've never spent all that much on Christmas because I've never had lots of money. But it's really about something else. Maybe because this time of year is naturally quite a reflective time. I finally decided this year that I cannot do something I've always wanted to do. It's nothing particularly ambitious but it means the world to me. But my mind can't cope with the anxiety that this process brings up in me so after three goes I've had to accept I can't do it. It's so, so painful. I don't think a day has gone by since that I've not been sad, disappointed in myself and utterly furious at my failings. Perhaps I don't feel there is much point in celebrating. Which sounds so awful and entitled (and I'm sorry for complaining about this here where others are present who have suffered much worse things), and perhaps it is. But I can't help how I feel.

And by 'right' I meant right by my own vision. I am stupidly stubborn about things being right. One of my biggest flaws. I have toned it down somewhat but it's my natural inclination. I will work hard to temper it this year but it's still always there at the back of my mind. I don't buy new every year, so it's not about that. But it is about, hmmm, I dunno what it's about, really.

I'm sorry for talking about myself so much. It's a form of therapy, I guess. Too bad you can't charge for having to listen