Debt mutual support thread number 5 .... the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last four threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2142758-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-4-every-journey-starts-with-the-hardest-first-step

We live in a society that makes it incredibly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

Thanks all - should have said I was previously didyouevah. it's weird as honestly I haven't really cried about the miscarriage. We planned not to have a third, then got pregnant and did the dance of 'being pleased anyway'. Made our peace with the bomb that was going to be dropped on our lives... Then lost it..

One thing that I have taken from this is how brilliant dh has been. Honestly what a star. But also I have everything and more. We love life, and being pregnant brought out a dark side in me. I didn't like it. I'm sort of relieved in a weird way. I'm still off work, and gradually starting to exercise again. I'm starting to feel normal and I sort of like it. Debt free date is summer 2016 then we'll be 1k a month better off. It'll be like some bloody windfall.

Xmas markets are full of stuff for land fill, but my son bought a decoration with his own money for £2. He bloody loves it. My daughter bought a bath bomb and handbag. They loved the whole thing. I had a mulled wine and churro. It was an expedition in 'creating memories' so I'm pleased.

Expeditions in creating memories are the best kind, Onwards I'm glad you all had a lovely time.

Onwards I've been through exactly the same thing this year, we had an unplanned pregnancy, were pleased but feeling the kind of trepidation as we knew it would be a struggle but lost it a couple of weeks after finding out. Part of me was upset but part of me has learned to be thankful for what I did have and again like you I was almost relieved because of the upheaval in our lives. This year it has felt like the end of the life we were living and the start of something new, like you I've been off work for a long time and not going back, but what it has shown me is I needed to take a step back and live in a more considered way. There have been some very hard things happen but it's almost like they are required to transform the way I thought and lived IYSWIM?

So positively we are closer to being debt free and we are more money concious than we've ever been, I am getting really good at not spending money, especially when I feel low which is what happened before.

Holger I've bought nothing new this year for the tree, but I spent yesterday putting up the tree with DS and it occurred to me how many absolutely lovely things we already have, many from the year DS was born and it made me happy that now I am decorating the tree with him and he doesn't notice that none of the ornanments are new .

Onwards pleased you are taking some time to heal. You are well on the road to more financial freedom and more choice in your life. Focus on the good, which you seem to be doing, and I hope you all have a lovely, peaceful Christmas .

Holger I know what you mean about reflection. I'm am feeling a failure and aware of my short-comings at the moment. It's part of the reason why I burned through money this weekend. I am very reactionary. I feel quite directionless at the moment; getting to the end of another year just highlights it. I feel like I have a lot of potential and yet I do nothing with it, except the daily grind. Can we ask what it is that you have decided you can't do? It sounds very final.

Well the landfill comments have successfully put me off the idea of Christmas markets!
I'm sorry to hear about tough times for others, it's hard to deal with debt positively when other things are hard.

Well the landfill comments have successfully put me off the idea of Christmas markets!
I'm sorry to hear about tough times for others, it's hard to deal with debt positively when other things are hard.

Hugs to holger and onwards x
I love all the decs my kids have made.
I keep all of them and out them in the tree every year.
Of course the tree looks like an elf threw up on it :) but I can live with that.
Went to an advent hope service last night with mum.
Quite emotional.
About mourning those we have lost but looking to the future.
Busy couple,of weeks coming up and my tests on Friday which I am dreading...any good vibes/prayers gratefully received!

Onwards Aren't churros THE BEST and YY to little things with happy memories attached

Holger we do not charge. That is why there is no time limit, that is why we are still here month after month (years on the 5:2 threads!)
So. What have you decided not to do?
Lets let the hive mind help you to rationalise it and agree that you are doing a good thing

It's study at degree level.

I'm perfectly capable of it, in theory. But in practise it's impossible. I'm alright, really, it's not the end of the world.

Holger
Is this an OU degree or going back to Uni?
What degree?
Would this be your first degree?
Is there a way to try out some MOOCs to get credits towards a degree for when life is treating you a bit better?

Unfortunately I don't think it will ever be possible without quite a bit of therapy. I imagine I would be diagnosed as having some sort of PTSD directly related to being examined, or my work examined, which makes it impossible for me to study. I know it sounds silly. It's complicated. Partly due to personality - perfectionism and anxiety - and environment when I was growing up. Plus what study represents to me. It just matters too much, which makes it too frightening. It just isn't going to happen, and while I'd like to believe that I could perhaps overcome this, I feel that now, at this point in my life, it's better and more realistic to just accept that it's not going to happen for me.

I have completed one and a half years of one degree. Half a year of another degree, and started one OU module toward a third degree subject. That last attempt was just laughable. I must be one of the only students in the world whose work starts out strong and gets progressively worse as the course develops. There's no point.

The crux of the matter for me, if we're analysing why we overspend and what it is we're attempting to insulate ourselves from, is the horror of never, ever being good enough.

I agree Holger - it's trying to buy perfect.

Holger I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's easy trying to make a cushion of 'stuff' to make ourselves feel content, or at least seem content. A big part of why I got into debt was because I had anxiety and depression and I'd spend to make myself feel good again, this was long before I was actually diagnosed. I'd try and make things 'perfect' for DS and DH and really I didn't, it just made a bigger mess.

I now get by saying 'There's no such thing as perfect', it works well, especially with Christmas!

Hopefully will get back to work in a new job in the new year so fresh starts all round and going forward in a different way!

Badvoc wishing you all the best and sending good vibes

Holger...thank you.
I also think you are spot on.
For me, it stems form growing up poor.
Dh has become accustomed to my need for a full cupboard of loo roll and kitchen towels :)
Same with the kids wardrobes and underwear drawers...they have to be full of stuff that's clean and fits well.
I am getting better though!
I currently have a half empty loo roll cupboard and only 2 kitchen rolls left! :)
It is important to me to provide my dc with a warm, Clean and tidy home.
Everything else is just garnish.

badvoc sending lots of good vibes and luck for your tests, I really hope you're ok

Badvoc fingers and toes crossed and fluffy warm vibes coming your way
Ah yes, loo roll hoarders .... I know some of those

Holger OK, time to onion peel the perfectionism a bit.
Can you narrow down which bits give you the most stress and those which give you the least?
so that you can build on the least stressful to give yourself the satisfaction of completing things.

I'd missed your tests comment Bad - love and luck

Thank you all - wish Friday was over
Went to town with a friend today.
I only bought shower gel and shampoo which we desperately needed
No last minute panic buying, no buying pointless Xmas tat
Am quite impressed with myself!

Badvoc at loo roll and kitchen roll hoarding! I'm realising that I too have a cupboard full, and also DS clothes, although a lot of those were given to me by a friend as hand me downs from her little boy. I don't mind as they are all Next, Ralph Lauren, Nike etc, my DS is now a very well dressed little chap!

Last 2 Christmas presents aside from DH and no unplanned spending so hopefully the new year will bring down debt and we can start with a cleaner slate than before!

Woo! Just got the charges reversed that the bank forgot to do!

I am becoming 100% more brave about checking finances and bank stuff these days. It feels GOOD!!!

Well done sporting

I think I've just worked out the title of the next thread

Oh can a new thread be made now please - this one takes ages to load!