Debt mutual support thread number 5 .... the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last four threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2142758-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-4-every-journey-starts-with-the-hardest-first-step

We live in a society that makes it incredibly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

snowie sorry you are working with one of life professionl a-holes. you sound more patient than I would have been.

My DH has a similar situation at work but for different reasons. He was impossible this weekend because this one had upset and the sidekick - and he is the boss!

Well I was going to advise about just calling him out on it - refer to recent things where he has gone behind your back, maybe three clear incidents and ask if he would like to talk to you. Tell him how he has made you feel saying not sire if this was your intention, dont understand - sorry Im not very good with words like this but basically let him know that you know he is a twat. Tell him you are making a note of these behaviours as they make you feel uncomfortable.

But then I read that your manager seems to be a bit petty too - is there anyone else you can go to. Maybe mention to her the same three incidents, making it clear that these are just recent examples and that you will be making a note of things.

Its like everyone knows he is being a dick but no-one is prepared to confront - sounds like your manage just keeps him quiet for an easier life. You are right he is like this because he is insecure, threatened, jealous, unprofessional, and lacking basic decency.

you can't control people..but you can control how you respond - take some control back. HTH in some way.

dye &

Ah thanks smile - I actually have done all that ! When I moved into his orbit first I challenged him in front of juniors and got ripped to shreds I stood up to him but this became a pattern. On 2 occasions he has called me names & I have given him a chance to apologise saying I was insulted (and inwardly shaking!) but he didn't take the opportunity. So I have taken notes & did advise my mgr ( she asked as had been told by the junior staff what was happening !). So I'm not sure if he was pulled up as I decided I wasn't sticking my career on the line to create a nice little drama for him (which is what he wants!). Instead I've just kept the notes (not lately as it doesn't help my anxiety !). I find that this sort of thing is very common & generally the complainer loses out not the perpetrator as such ! So I don't want to seem an emotional woman & am just leaving it. My mgr's not the best she's in a panic a lot of the time & I think he even intimidates her too ! But in other ways she puts him in his place too. I think he was already moved a couple of times as a "problem child" (IMO) and she prides herself on being able to deal with him. I'm just really hopeful something will move for me within 6 months otherwise I'll have to make it happen (positively). It would be good to go quietly rather than having to get out said notebook & read out his words !

He also answers my phone & then complains to my mgr that he knew nothing about x y z so couldn't talk to the person in the other end - as if I'm meant to be updating my every thought to his brain. Bizarro !! I think to appease him in the beginning she told him to keep an eye on me so he ended up trotting up to her ev 5 mins to tell tales !! I eventually called them on this & after several weeks of applying myself he lost half his responsibilities (read - empire) including several very relieved staff . Not the outcome he had anticipated !

Snowie Oh dear me..what a situation..so he sounds like he is know for causing problems but no one wants to actually deal with them..is this public sector my any chance..has been there years and years so people have come to think of him as normal as in oh thats just so and so?

Well I dont know what else to suggest. as you say about your career - I do get this but at the same time you cant be putting up with this indefinitely. My last teaching post I hated, I loathed going in, sick/sleepless on Sunday evenings (so I know that feeling you mentioned ^). It made me so miserable, it contributed to marital problems and things got quite bad. I always advise anyone it is just not worth it. So do look for internal/external..but if this does go on I think you should contact HR and possibly ACAS?

Thanks smile - yes public sector & he is a dinosaur been there about 500 years (all his career). Whereas I'm relatively new (few years but plenty of external exp).

What keeps me going is the chance of an internal move so I'm hoping to keep the head down & get one within 6 months if not sooner. I'm applying but nothing yet.

I do find this happens to me a lot though its usually an over active female boss who takes a major like to me in the first place then a serious dislike as perhaps I can be too know it all - ESP if I'm older / more exp ! So with this boss I made a serious effort to behave very subordinately & not make her feel inadequate (no quals - she can't explain my work to her seniors then takes it out on me). This has worked to a certain extent so hopefully it will continue but sometimes I find it hard not to point out mistakes or be aghast at what she's doing . It's a bit exhausting having to explain very basic stuff all the time & I don't feel like I'm getting any development either but l'll put up with it. Problem is if she knew the amount of internal posts I've gone for she would be very annoyed as she takes it very personally when even junior staff want a move. At the end of the day we're there for ourselves not for her benefit !

Anyway again thanks for listening ! I just feel there are 2 options - say nothing & get on with it or blow it all up and come up against worse stress...

Just one last moan & ill stop - he also comes on lunch with me ! I used to go with some other ladies & he would sit down uninvited in the middle of all the girls. So weird. My boss frequently asks both of us to join her for lunch but it's getting to the stage where I'm obviously not going. I don't want him knowing my business ! So I have a sandwich at my desk. It has even happened a couple of times that I've asked my boss for a coffee to discuss something personal & he'll just turn up and sit down like a leech ! Unreal.

So I'm joining because this time next year I want to be free of debt and saving again. I've had a really rough year with work related anxiety and stress which has led to me being off sick alot so I'm now on SSP which is not good. But I have a plan to get out and restart my life but for the record these are the debts and I will update as I get them down or something changes for the better.

CC1 - 970
CC2 - 1000
OD1 - 1500
OD2 - 500

I need to budget better and resist any temptation to spend where its not needed. Fortunately we don't really need anything aside from food.

Snowie - your post really chimed with me as am going through a similar kind of situation. Unfortunately I let it all fester until it caused me a major breakdown. I hope you get your transfer and get out of the way of this odd person. Many people behave this way I think because they have too little in their lives to focus on!

Only in public sector! I swear its like the dark ages...My DH worked in two large areas of public sector - he worked very hard and got no where for years then moved from one big area to another to improve his chances. He did get on steady after that but once you get to the upper middle grade its really hard to get up any further. He felt the first place his 'face didnt fit' and there was always that element of 'you must time served'. He worked with some right characters he totally shirked work. Anyway he got spotted and whisked off into private sector - the first 6 months there was the equivalent of when the children in the Charlie and the Chocolate factory first see the chocolate river and candy canes etc! It like a 'proper grown up place to work' - where ability is recognised, rewarded and developed.

He is now gunning for a partnership (he has maximised the opportunity and been promoted a few times) But now he has to manage people and one of them is being 'dragged' along and causing bother - change resistant he is the same, been there a while. I've spent ages talking to DH about his offices 'father Jack'. The social intrusion seems odd - is he lonely or just quite extrovert likes to be 'in there' with others. He sounds like a office big manchild - do you think he wear diapers for fun at home LOL . Maybe imagine him in them next time he is being unreasonable.

Anyway I think you are right - internal post or it will blow up. Are you looking at possible sideways moves too or just upwards ones? I get that about the staying quiet thing....I admire your patience. Preserve your inner calm.

who totally shirked work - not my DH!

Hello sporting

Hmm it looks like I haven't quite ruined my chances of promotion by being ill. Fingers crossed!

Good news -well done you for hanging on and not giving up peonies

Snowie - I've read with interest of your work woes. Please even though it stresses you, keep making notes, times dates and so that this dickhead is being a twat. Its your back up when his life goes tits up and you present it to the more senior manager. My oh has his "naughty book" on lots of people.its not personal its for business decisions in his future.

Hi sporting welcome to the gang.
Get those credit cards switched to standing orders, cut all but the cheapest one up and you'll be well on your way !

Reading others' tales of office politics reminds me why I love being self employed!

Being nearly payday Im pouring over my spreadsheet ... I need to top up my emergency fund as used some of it for parking etc during DS extended stay in hospital, but other than that everything is on track.

I've done some quick calculations to summarise my journey so far!

Starting Debt (Feb14) 109,046 inc mortgage (19,050 without mortgage) ... now (Nov14) 101,340 inc mortgage (14,357 without mortgage) - so down 4693 altogether, though this does not include the OD I had to take out to replace car then subsequently repay so actually I'm down 7193. There are debt repayments of 1600 in plan for this month consisting of minimum repayments on all but my loan which I'm making an overpayment to ...

I'm kinda chuffed with that!!

well done Mum4Fergus - we all luffs a bit of pouring over the spreadsheet!

Do you keep a running balance for each debt so you can see it going down. I think I need to track this. I just kind of add them up a few times per years and see where we at.

I've a running balance in them all, yes...the pay off includes a store card, OD and CC1. Now concentrating on loan then CC2 and CC3, both of which are on track to be repaid in full before the interest free period ends. The loan I'm on track to repay nearly a year early!! So that will save lots of interest...and then give me £300 extra towards debt overpayments

smile at the diapers you're so right !!! He just made himself busy they for all of lunch because our mgr late back - so that he could go with her & the other mgrs. Give me patience ! Like waiting for mummy to come home . I spoke to a more senior mgr about a move today & hopefully it will help but I have my doubts too really. Hopefully it won't go against me but I said nothing negative there are other reasons apart from pompous a*se he's just the icing on the cake !

sporting welcome !

Hello everyone!

I feel like I've made a step in the right direction just by joining this thread and admitting there is a problem! It's good to be in company with so many people trying to do their best in the face of adversity

There are chinks of light in that we will probably get some money from FIL for Christmas (around 500 - 1000). I have already got a few bits for DS anyway. Have got £10 clubcard boost. Have got around £15 credit with waterstones, £36 in Boots points, some Nectar points not sure how many. £100 in Amazon vouchers as a service award. We should get around £270 cashback on our Greendeal install. Need to ring tax credits as we now qualify.

There are some bits and pieces I can sell. I'm also very much looking forward to doing a lot of Christmas crafts with DS and I'm going to make some christmas gifts as we have a lot of art and craft stuff.

Snowie2 - Your colleague sounds a real oddball! Mind you I've come across some people that do some very odd stuff at work, they just don't seem to clock how weird they are. Hopefully you'll be able to get a move and then he'll just be relegated to a dinner party story.

neverfreeze I cannot wait til I can have a nice big glass of white wine and some olives...

Never he's not my boss I would have jumped off a cliff long ago !! That's his problem he really feels he should be lol.

Feeling a bit more positive today I took steps and spoke to someone senior about a move ! I got a very positive response !! I think there's more understanding there of my situation than I gave credit for. Also got some good feedback & some compliments (which was rare & nice !). Needless to say I'm focussing on the negatives but still !!!

I could have my move within 6 months - I can manage !

peonies ask for more drugs! Pretend it's wine - you're in a private hospital after all

I have just put all my balances on a new sheet and worked out this:

£ 20,714.07 credit cards - I think it is going to take 22 months = August 2016.

We currently pay out £960 per month in repayments but also and should have a 4k lump sum to pay one off next summer.

This month is sooooooooooooo long... pay day seems to be taking ages.

Next month will also not go very well due to Christmas/DS birthday outgoings.

New Year's Resolution: make budget and STICK to it!!!

Its not right to be wishing time away to the next payday is it?

I fee like I'm always checking how much fuel is left in car, finger counting the meals that I know of are in the freezer etc.

I try to make sure I enjoy the bits in between

It is hard when you have limited money, I feel I've had years of it. But also when I look back some of the best times I've had have been when I have had very little. I just try and remember back to stuff my Mum used to do when we were little - she grew up during the war years and had a very make do and mend mentality but she could make something very ordinary seem magical. She was very creative as well and I am too - I just lost sight of that in the rush for comsumerism that is life today!

Enjoy the free things like reading with children, going for walks, feeding the ducks and seeing nature.

Plan for the weekend is collect pine cones from park and make into christmas decs.

Thats a lovely post sporting - might just do the pine cone thing my DS loves collecting things for his 'box'.

I think I feel quite indifferent about it all having totted up figures last night - 20k I just feel that is what we should have for our next house as a deposit. My DH earns a very good salary - our income is the best its ever been yet we feel skint. I am a SAHP/Student and we are counting pennies in and out.

Can anyone help me with this?

Mortgage payment is £1084 Interest SVR with NRAM (formerly Northern Rock)

Amount outstanding is in two parts as it was a '100% together mortgage'

Mortgage is 171k
Secured Loan 7k

I've worked out our LTV will be down to 85% by the January which means we could re-mortgage. This has not been an option as many lenders were offering quite poor rates or no products at all above an 85% LTV.

So we could re-mortgage for e.g. with Barclays and save £200 per month (product fee £499)

The secured loan would remain but then they charge this at higher rate when mortgage is moved so payment for that would increase. So I was thinking to move this onto a 0% card - we have about 7k capacity on a card the regularly offer us 0% deals for cash transfer and balance transfer...

The current payments are £54 per month but interest is debited at £30 per month on this part of the loan - whereas if we pay the £54 to a 0% the balance would get paid off quicker.

So new mortgage £850 plus 0% card payment £900, saving £185 per month. We would be on a fixed deal for 2.99% for two years. I also would be happier t me with a mainstream lender again away from NRAM so that when we move we have a mortgage profile with them - internal score.

We also have another property but that is a nightmare...nothing can be done with that.