Debt mutual support thread number 5 .... the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last four threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2142758-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-4-every-journey-starts-with-the-hardest-first-step

We live in a society that makes it incredibly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

AndSmile that link is lovely. I am trying to spend and own less and it's slow but ok.

The book The Magical Art of Tidying (there are threads about it on here) is really helping.

My winter coat this year is going to be a size 8 coat my Mum got me about seven years ago - I put on lots of weight and it didn't fit for years but I have lost it gradually and am hoping to get through the winter without getting many new things. I would love a new top for Christmas parties etc but we will see...

Well thats great you've lost weight - healthy. Im on m y own weight loss journey. I really find Ive got back self control - I feel more like a grown up in some ways. Ive learnt to be patient.

Yes Ive seen those threads the sock rolling thing - at the minute, mine dont make it off the radiator/drier.

Im excited about DS's room - his room is the first room to be completely emptied. We will only be putting back played with and loved items. I've explained all this to him and he checked with me tonight what we will be doing again - he likes the idea.

Reading back it sounds like I'm boasting that it is size 8 - only mentioned because i was too big to wear it until this winter so it's in good condition! I definitely find being in control of finance helps my weight - when I was totally, utterly skint a couple of years ago I was the biggest I have ever been - three stone heavier, easily (I'm 5'2).

I ate junk as I was miserable and literally couldn't afford any other treats so if there was a cake in the reduced section I'd just eat the whole lot.

I don't spend tonnes on food now and shop at Aldi but we always have fresh veg and it helps that I know about cooking cheap meals now.

trainers
As you know my other haunt is 5:2 :
the mental process of getting overweight is very similar to that for getting into debt
and getting out of both will go in tandem
well done
(charity shop clothes are better once you are slim as well)

It didn't sound like you were boasting at all, trainers, and anyway you are allowed to feel proud of the great achievement of losing weight and getting more healthy in body and mind

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I've asked for my comment above to be deleted - wasn't really comfortable with specifics on the thread. Hope that's ok.

I intend to make 2015 the year of small steps to make a big change, and the rest of this year will make a perfect practice run

andsmile thank u for the minimalist links - I like the idea but im not sure im quite ready to fully commit. I will however be applying some of the ideas as I do believe I would be happier with less.

trainers well done on the weight loss thats brilliant. I also desperately need to lose weight. im currently a 14 (I know thats not big) but feel healthier and much happier at a curvy 10.

Can I join you please?

Just been forced into confronting the extent of my overspending habits and the debt I am in. Need to make some drastic adjustments to deal with the two issues and DH needs to get on board too.

I am a very organised person and embarrassingly work in a professional job dealing with the consequences of debt so should know better FFSbut seem to have real compulsive tendancies with regard to spending and over-eating, and the impact of the one issue on the other makes the behaviour spiral. I have a good handle on what the problem is, but have not yet been able to change things.

However, the debt is now too big to ignore, so I am making this my starting point to actually do something about it.

holger I feel very much as your posts describe your feelings.

Off to look at the amazing spreadsheets and read more of your inspiring stories.

welcome Zamboni

trainers not at all boasting.

TIP is so right about the mindset thing. Making good choices - the information is all out there zamboni as you know from your job, its not just about 'knowing' its about getting behind why we do what we do - whether its shopping or eating.

I don't think it is any co-incidece that having got a grip on finances, which for me included finding the money to pay for nursery, Ive also got a grip on my diet (essentially no wine and snacks) and Ive lost nearly a stone. But I've trained well Im starting to see great benefits as well as feeling much better.

Holger & Zamboni - last year I bought 4 pairs of ankle/calf boot and three pairs of knee high boots and three winter coats. This came to nearly £1k. I never ever have spent like that before and I knew why I did it - I had issues re something that had happened. I was using the clothes as my pyschological armour - another MNetter on another thread helped me see this. But the consequences were a large store card and a new balance on a card that had previously been paid off. I realised how I was dealing with my issues was financially harmful and had to work through them in other ways.

Zamboni
Welcome aboard.
This is a good happy place - and joining at this time of year means you'll be well on the way to taking control after Christmas - when everybody else is waking up with a hangover.

Holger
Leave the numbers up - they do not identify you and they help us to remember how you are doing.
They are also a line in the sand for you to move from.

holger if you can bear it I'd leave the numbers up, for me it was a huge part of helping me confront the debt and it was great to see them coming down over time, as we usually post when we pay off some each month/when the numbers change. It kept me accountable and also in a funny way it stopped me feeling ashamed - it was just a number and it was moving in the right direction, and seeing it all the time kept me focused from small unnecessary spends.

andsmile absolutely - a coping mechanism but a bad one. As is the compulsive eating. I need to change both, but getting a grip on either will impact the other.

Thanks TalkinPeace. Amazing spreadsheets btw

I have unsecured personal debt spread across credit cards and loans. One credit card is 0% interest, as is one loan, so they are ok. One big credit card is not 0% and so first port of call is to try and switch that to a 0% deal or add it to much lower rate of interest loan.

And seeing as I am completely incapable of having a credit card for emgergencies/work expenses only, I think I need to cancel them once balances moved/paid. That makes me nervous though, I always think "what if the car is fucked, the boiler breaks down, we need an emergency prescription etc". We have no savings at all.

I am completely incapable of having a credit card for emgergencies/work expenses only, I think I need to cancel them once balances moved/paid

Or just take them out of your wallet, put them in an envelope in an out of the way cupboard so that you cannot get them out while out shopping, drunk or bored.

It's a good idea but I know the numbers by memory. They are also pre-loaded onto many websites I use. One has been physically broken for months and I havent needed to replace it to spend on it. Removal of the physical card isn't enough as I am compulsive but not impulsive.

In a dire emergency I could ask my parents who would help, which is humiliating but perhaps better than leaving myself in a position where I clear the cards, set up a mechanism to repay the debt, keep the cards for "emergencies" and then simply max out the cards again, repeating the whole sorry process annually.

Time to cut the cards up and get new numbers that you do not know.

Talk to your provider and ask if they will issue you with a new one that has a new code on the back and a new end date : then all the website reminders will no longer work

and DO NOT SAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD DETAILS IN ANY WEBSITE EXCEPT YOUR BANK

Zamboni if only I had found this thread a year ago - as i did that cut all the cards up, paid account off then ran some up again as details were saved, but the cards were left in box and could be 'used' online.

I get the emergency thing though - this is why I am looking at starting my emergency fund after Xmas.

Car - public transport options as back up?
Boiler - is it worth getting cover?
Prescription - Well yes you hould have some £20 emergency money in the short term.

Once you've done cards go through your budget - I saved us £50 last month by doing this. switched energy and insurance. It's surprisign hwo it creeps up.

Dont feel bad - tell your self I am on it

Plus be patient...you didnt spend it all at once, so it will take time - give yourself realistic expectations.

Hi all - welcome to newbies. Been off line as work was nuts plus i was fasting for 2 days for hospital tests (which went ok tg). Amazed I could stop eating for that long without dying maybe I capable of the 5-2 after all ! Tests went fine apart from excruciating pain & some terrified nurses as the "drugs didn't work" lol. I was meant to be sedated but I woke up in a drunken way & there were no drugs left. The pain was horrible ! This has happened to me before I reckon I don't react properly to sedation - will remember for next time ! First time thought it was my fault this time I followed every instruction to the letter !

Anyway - trauma over and no doubt I will put on that 1 kg I lost x 5kg as the way these things go generally !

Having awful problems since mid term was over with dc's bedtimes. Youngest will not go to/stay in bed -excuses as long as my arm. Wants to investigate every little noise. Consequence is my room no longer an escape at night it's a battle very night coaxing then getting enjoyed then literally parenting by shouting through the wall /ceiling. Wonderful

Money wise - not great ! Spent on necessities (like docs visit) which means stretched now until next payday will have to make some hard choices :((

Snowie
Depending on how small wide eyed child is, have your tried the "hug" approach?
You may be in my bed but I will hug you.
If I cannot hug you, you must get out of my bed
They overheat remarkably quickly and clear off back to their own rooms

Glad the hospital stuff is behind you

Tip that is hilarious - deliberate overheating I think though I would over heat sooner & back to square one. I could find something more annoying I suppose like reading my own book or sthing like that truth is want to watch homeland it's not suitable ! Dc quietly sniffing at the injustice in the world now (own bed tg) I'm sure it won't be long before I get a list through the wall

I'm in the middle of a broody hormonal surge and I want DC3.

Talk me down people!

I've always wanted a big family . DD's cancer put paid to me having another when it was probably the best time.

We could afford, but would be stretched, and I would still have to work FT. DH doesn't want another, but would if I do I think - he is a self-centred soul (who I love dearly) and would like a quiet life - he wasn't bothered whether we had DC at all. Yet, he dotes on our DS and he loves having him (DD is mine from previous relationship and a bit old to accept anyone's doting ). Everything we do revolves around us as a family.

Our house is too small, our car is too small, but do these things really matter?

Ultimately, family is so important to me - this isn't about having a baby, I want another person with us with everything that brings.

I think all of and's minimalism links have made me really reflect on what's important. I'm 35, so feel like I need to decide. DH is 41. He would go along with it now, but I'm not sure in a year or two.

Argh! Hormones.

Well kinky we were in your position and firmly decided not to go for #3

And then I got pregnant.

Am 11 weeks now, and I am fairly ok but also worrying about everything.

So I'm not one for advice really as life happened whilst I was making other plans!

Hi kinky I'd say go for it but ASAP as age is your biggest issue - 35 is fine but time flies you could faff around for a couple of years & next thing you're planning your 40th which is when the fertility clock stops really.

both of you. The funny thing is, if it happened we would do it, but the logical brain is there to try and stop me from acting on the urge!

Kinky...I got of at 35 and my wonderful ds2 is now 6 :)
Do it :)