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Debt mutual support thread number 5 .... the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train

999 replies

TalkinPeace · 25/09/2014 13:19

This thread follows on from the last four threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2142758-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-4-every-journey-starts-with-the-hardest-first-step

We live in a society that makes it incredibly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

  • yesterday is as past as the Crimean War
( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )
  • this is an anonymous forum
( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )
  • this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt
( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 26/10/2014 18:58

Pay no mind trainers xx it's your future your protecting Smile

HearMyRoar · 26/10/2014 19:35

Hello, I've been lurking about some of the money saving/frugal threads for a bit now and decided yours is definitely the nicest so was hoping I could come and hang out with you while I try and get out of this rut we seem to be stuck in.

We don't have thousands on credit cards but have an £800 over draft I can't seem to shake and owe my parents £10,000 they loaned us towards the deposit on our flat. Which brings me to the £147,000 mortgage. I'm not even going to think about the student loan as mine just comes out of my wages every month so I think of it like paying tax, and dh is on a mission to defer his every year until they write it off (his dedication to this task is actually rather impressive, they don't make it simple).

The problem is that we both earn ok wages but after childcare, bills and thoughtless spending we don't seen to have anything left at the end of the month. I have now made a spreadsheet and agreed budgets to try and get the spending under control. We really should have paid the over draft ages ago and I am determined to get a dent in it over Christmas.

Ooo. I also poked my head above the parapet to agree with fluffy. Unless you are certain it is correct definitely question the gas bill. When we moved the water company sent us a bill for £400! I was a state, but dug out our past bills to send them showing what we had already paid and it turned out someone had made a typo when they put our final meter reading in. In the end they owed us money :)

HearMyRoar · 26/10/2014 19:39

Don't be ashamed trainers! You have a roof over your heads. What colour the bathroom is just doesn't matter as long as it works. At least that is what I tell myself every time I think about the delightful pale pink 70s suite in our bathroom (just don't mention the grey tiles with flowers on or I might lose my composure) :o

Nerf · 26/10/2014 19:55

Hi trainers! We are very niceSmile
Roar - mil spent ages commenting on our house, it's in their genes. Brush it off, you really don't want the bank paying for your loo.

Nerf · 26/10/2014 19:56

Wrong way round! Blame TiP, she told me about the cheap Aldi wine.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 26/10/2014 20:15

been lurking on here and wondered if I could join you guys, need some guidance and someone to tell me no when I start shopping for unnecessary crap!!

I say 'our' debts but a large chunk is DH's in my name, he doesn't see the problem with it, in his eyes will be paid eventually. I deal with all finances, food everything. I am doing this alone on my budget if DH wants to continue having no money and constantly borrowing thats his problem he can do it with his own money. he gives me some of his wages - a set amount each week and I budget accordingly however last few years have been getting worse at budgeting and obsessively shopping when I feel down. I want this to change, I want to say yes when my daughter asks to do a club or be able to go on nice daytrips.

here are approximate figures
credit cards 4900
very 780
overdraft 500
mum 350
possible 600 if we lose deposit dispute.

feeling pretty ashamed no one in real life knows we are in debt except my mum Sad

trainersandaches · 26/10/2014 21:07

Thanks all - I haven't said anything to my DH about his mother's comments as I think it would have really annoyed him. She just says the first thing that comes into her head sometimes and has never had debt or struggled with money.

Sadly I think the gas bill is accurate - but in this place our bills are coming in far cheaper. Our first (estimated) was £11 but when I went to get us signed up for direct debit it said it would be £68 per month - this is just to heat water in a small flat with an electric hob so I don't think that can be accurate. In comparison our metered electricity has cost us £24 in the last six weeks - we are super frugal.

Nerf · 26/10/2014 21:12

Hey no cuts. Seems like you have two issues? Dh's attitude and your actual debt? I found picking the smaller one in my name worked well; progress was way to see and I didn't feel I was making sacrifices for dh (who was not on board at all to start with).

Didyouevah · 26/10/2014 21:32

Welcome newcomers.

I have to say that having lived through it I would offer the following thoughts...

If your DH really doesn't see a pronlem then is this a relationship problem rather than a money problem. I always worry when one person says they take control. It sort of smacks of either immaturity on the part of the receiver or in worst case financial abuse on the part of the giver.

These are 2 ends of the spectrum but either way is really difficult to come through without working as a team.

It's exhausting actually. I say that as someone who tried everything with xh to try and get on a budget blah blah.

It was at its worse when I was busy selling CDs on music magpie and he treated himself to a brand new one from the service station cos he wanted to listen to Coldplay. It represented everything that was wrong about our relationship and no matter how I addressed it the route of the problem was always the same. We weren't on the same page and never would be.

Readers I divorced him

I actually took a. Financial hit (of course). But the weight off my mind is incredible.

New eh and I have debts due to house move and car but not just reckless shit that one of us is mopping up.

I hope this can be read in the spirit it's intended. Good luck all x

andsmile · 26/10/2014 21:45

Just adding this in while I remember: saved £30/month on car insurance
saved £17/month on energy
Saving on interest on overdraft - about to be paid off but not sure exact figures.

Had a bad week spending, crap meal planning, diet n training so I'm drawing a line. Fresh start tomorrow n I've done a meal plan.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 27/10/2014 08:55

I know there was a problem with our relationship, however it was much more than the money, I don't really want to go into it on a public forum but over the summer we were at breaking point over these other issues, although im now trying to forgive and move forward. I said at the time it would be easier if I didn't love him so much, he made some stupid mistakes, he is getting better but is very much baby steps. I have told him what im doing, he said he is going to try and help, we will see.

I think because I have always taken control of all the finances, looking after the home, food and present shopping, even his clothes/toiletries he just doesn't understand how much things cost. he has his money for whatever he likes be that his cigarettes, lottery or going out. I don't think either of us are being financially abused, although im sure he thinks im a control freak at times! I have recently got annoyed about what he spends his money on but that is more to do with the other problem. he got quite defensive and saying its his money to do as he pleases, I think I need to just leave him to it unless I really suspect he has gone back to old ways.

at this point I want to hope he sees sense once I start, I love him and cant imagine my life without him. maybe if things don't change I will rethink but for now I want to hope we can come out the other end together.

KinkyDorito · 27/10/2014 09:02

I think I would find that situation really tough no. How I look at it is you have a relationship and a home life that you have both agreed to go into: that involves working together to achieve things for the benefit of all. If you are short of money and have debt (whether his or yours) it will restrict the choices available to you as a family/couple. Therefore, to go out and spend recklessly on selfish things when you have other people that you should be considering is something I would not be able to overlook. It's like loving someone who is showing huge disregard for his partner's/family's welfare.

I know it is hard for people to give everything up and I wouldn't expect him to change totally straight away, but he should at least be trying to meet you half way, maybe give up one thing and redirect the money onto a CC? He should be trying too, not just you, otherwise you will be spending your whole life placating him which isn't the way it should be.

Sending much love and keep posting Thanks.

Just did another huge and quite shameful drop off at the charity shop. I am not going to find my self worth through spending anymore! I am bloody determined!!! Grin

andsmile · 27/10/2014 11:20

snowie Ive stayed away from Halloween - we do it big, more decs than xmas, ive added to these each year. Well not this year Im making do and we are not hosting two parties like I did before: one for the littlies and one for DS. Well we've been invited out t our friends. I've resist taking them to local halloween events but have seen things that I'll be happier to pay for when we have more money next year. (we are going away for xmas with stuff booked for that so I soothe my non spending angst by telling myself they have plenty coming their way...)

badvoc we've always planned gifts for each other an normally put a cap on them as we busy paying for nights out, kids presents etc. I think it's quite practical. We agree we have splurges at other times. I think you London trip sounds lovely - its good for the kids too (did you read the well rounded thread!)

nerf its reassuring to see someone tackling the sames amoutns as what we are - it just seem undoable at times, or we've done a little then slip back. its the latter thats hard not letting yourself slip back.

TIP what are you getting upto in NYC - wow, arent you visiting family? IMO a lot of TIPS posts that are about specific things are in the same vain as the intentioanlality of minimalism - thes essay read more generic though. The link to Joshuas blog becommingminimalist is easier to relate to as they are a family whereas theminimalists are seemingly single guys I think.

welcome no cuts and hearmy - no shame you are facing it all and doing something about it by at least talking here and beginning to change attitudes.

My DH - I'd say we are pretty much the same re spending. He has a thing about making sure thing are paid and on time but doesnt seem to think about long term planning - ie how long on mortgage, pensions etc. He does work his butt off and is happy to look over a budget ive mastered and agree. e then does the transfers etc. If he thinks a large household purchase is wrongly prioritised he'll say. We try to keep each other in check re incidental spending.

BUT we have history..we did nearly get divorced. One thing that came up that I exploded about was his mismanagement of credit cards. We had a lot to work on in our relationship and we did recover. We are very happy - two people who are ver well matched but chucked to 'rule' book out for a while. Well we re-wrote the rule book - we agreed new roles in terms of work/house/parent stuff. Part of my role is to do the budget - Im better at planning it all and have time to suss out deals on MSE, Clubcard points etc He has maxed his earning potential almost. I dont think it it a problem if one person is better at doing the finances etc BUT you still need the other person to agree or have some input and respect what is in place

kinky go you with chazza bags .....We are positively hemmed in at the m inure, so bad I cant have handyman round until Ive tidied and cleaned. Well half term has started well - DD up at 5am wanting all sorts, cried when DH went to work, cried when Mc Donalds (school holiday tradition in PJs thru drive thru) didnt serve chips for breakfast. She has been asleep since 10am we are all knackered. Gonna try park later.

Battenburg1978 · 27/10/2014 11:23

I've been lurking on here too, and hoping that joining in will keep me on the straight and narrow. Feel a little bit of a Mumsnet fraud as I don't have any children of my own yet (DP has a child from a previous relationship), but am trying to pay off my credit cards to save a deposit so that we can save a deposit and start a family. On paper I should be able to have the 2 cards paid off by July next year, but so much money seems to be frittered away. I paid a chunk off card 1 last week which means that will be paid off by the end of December.

Reading everyone's stories here really helps!

Goals this week - stick to meal plan, bring lunch to work and start cycling to work again.

andsmile · 27/10/2014 11:26

battenburg welcome - if you have cards you need to check the links to spreadhseets to show how much you pay affects interest etc.

Dont feel a fraud - the names deceptive - the site has grown since then its about so much more.

Badvoc123 · 27/10/2014 11:26

We don't really "do" Halloween tbh.
However, I have bought some cake decs and bright green frosting (!) and also got some coloured hair spray and glow sticks for the dc from aldi...very bargainous!! :)
I got the skirt off e bay...£20 though :( mind you, it was prob over £100 new and has only been worn once!
I figure I can use it for the party and sell on :)

andsmile · 27/10/2014 11:28

ooooh coloured hairspray - I wants - I love dressing the kids up full face paint the lot!! LOL Go Badvoc creating memories.

Good buy - Im lazy I really need to sort ebay and carboot stuff out.

Badvoc123 · 27/10/2014 11:31

We are also lucky as my pils do a tea and bonfire and a few fireworks for bonfire night so I just need to take along a pudding...I might make a crumble. Nice and cheap :)
I am hoping to get back into my voluntary work.
I get bored at home.
There is only so much cleaning you can do!
And I refuse to take on more debt and carry on my OU degree.

Battenburg1978 · 27/10/2014 11:43

Thanks andsmile The step-parent board has been a godsend to know that I'm not alone in finding it tough sometimes! I've done the snowball calculator and will fling every extra bit I can at it to reduce the interest.

Badvoc, your hallowe'en plans sound great! I might get some green food colouring for a cheap halloween bake.

Kinky, great work on the charity drop off. I've a bag at home waiting to go too. Will get to that on Saturday. Nocuts, some of my credit card bill is joint holiday spends and days out etc too. DP is totally on board with saving but I need to stop getting the card out so easily. In fact I need to just take them out of my purse and leave them at home Shock Does anybody else do this? Can't believe I've not thought to do this before.

TalkinPeace · 27/10/2014 11:46

Hi All, I'm back in the UK (was visiting family for a couple of days)

Trainers
Ignore the parental snipping.
When DH and I rented our first house, DM came to visit and said
"its nice to see you keep your house as messy as you kept mine"
a week later we came home from work to find a vacuum cleaner on the doorstep Hmm
we did not invite her round again till several houses later.

nocuttsnobutts
Your DH will have to undergo a huge mindset change on debt and only he can do it.
You can nudge but he has to 'internalise' the change.
What might help is plugging his credit card debt into the spreadsheet (linked in the OP) and then printing it out - it will run to enough paper to go the length of your stairs.
THAT should open his eyes to the problem.

battenburg
All are welcome on these threads.
At my other haunt (the 5:2 threads) the two lead posters are a 70+ year old grandad and a late 50s lady with no kids.
Its about support not whether you happen to be a mum. Grin

badvoc
I like the sound of your halloween. Nice and mellow.

OP posts:
Badvoc123 · 27/10/2014 11:53

Battenburg...aldi had some really cheap Halloween stuff in if there is one near you?
Hope you had a good time TIP.
Dc will be at their gps on Friday so I will even get away with trick or treating this year :)
I shall shut the curtains and eat all the sweets myself
Welcome to all the new posters.
It really is a case of altering your whole mindset. At least it is for me. Doesn't happen overnight.
But - we will get there! :)
And I can already sense changes in my thought processes about spending.
Progress :)

carriewintermeadow · 27/10/2014 12:13

Sorry for not replying sooner, I dropped off thread. Thank you all for the advice. Not sure if there is funding available .. TiP is helping me look into it. Smile

TalkinPeace · 27/10/2014 12:26

Carrie : you have mail Wink

OP posts:
andsmile · 27/10/2014 12:56

Badvoc - what degree are you doing with OU - Im on transission fees and have to finish by 2017 - Bsc Pyschology. - It the £110 D/D per month I really don't mind paying. I have just found some voluntry work as a befriender for families struggling with AND/PND for a local charity.

Badvoc123 · 27/10/2014 13:05

Started a history degree before I had ds2 and the implementation of tuition fees.
I completed 3 courses.
I just cannot afford to pay monthly, or outright so it would have to be a student loan.
I even went as far as applying but chickened out.
I just cannot take on any more debt.