Debt mutual support thread number 5 .... the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last four threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2142758-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-4-every-journey-starts-with-the-hardest-first-step

We live in a society that makes it incredibly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

Well, I would too, but dh is like Jickjack's dh also the type who sticks his head in the sand

It'll come.
You just need to keep steering him round a few degrees at a time.
Head on confrontation will not work, but gentle nudges will turn him to the point that HE can see where the light at the end of the tunnel is coming from.

And there is light.
Despite the ranting of the politicians, there are jobs out there - many of them not properly advertised ...
how is his LInkedin profile ?
connect to everybody you know / are related to / went to school with / their spouses

Thanks He is on LinkedIn, has quite a few connections, but is fairly new to it, he was very sceptical at first, and still isn't sure about connecting to people he hasn't met or seen for ashes.

MN is for anonymous gossip
FB is for chatting with friends and family
Linkedin is for ruthless exploitation of every professional connection you have ever had, no matter how tenuous

Oh carrie sorry youve not had good news.

Some sort of shock tactic in order? I dont know what exactly. I use constant nagging myself - I email my DH, then follow up with a conversation. If he forgets I refer to email - I ask 'when is a good time to do this'?

andsmile You'll get a refund on the electric. Check the loft insulations thick enough, moving into this house has taught me how important insulation is. The winter before last I safety pinned cheap fleece blankets from asda onto the curtains & we could tell the difference that night.

carrie, ring the council & ask for a payment plan.

Fluffy, dh has emailed them and they are looking into it.

Tip you are now the deft free guru

Well bit of a disaster here realised I can't pay my electricity this month having moved providers & not having enough cash before payday. I'm fairly sure when I filled in the form to move I put my payday as desired date of dd but it was ignored. Rang them today they said will have to wait until bounced dd then ring them give them new date. Charge of 6 from them plus charge of 12.50 from bank. Annoyed with myself mostly for not being able to cover a 100 euro charge. Plus will be using the 50 I had out aside for groceries. No income for 7 days. Sigh - when will it end !

Email the ceo of your new supplier, you put the date you wanted & they ignored it.

No way you should have to put up with that kind of treatment.

Thanks I've emailed them now. DH is having a rant now too god almighty give me patience !

snowie
get him to rant at THEM
my DH targets me at HMRC whenever he's had enough of me.
I've been described as using the telephone as an offensive weapon

It is the dark descent into the last week of the month. Waiting for that pay day dance .

Martin Lewis on This Morning now doing debt phone in...if anyones around

God, Dh doesn't get paid til end of the month and my child benefit doesn't go in til then either :(
Ds2 is going to start swimming lessons but my fil is paying, bless him (he did the same for ds1)

same here badvoc

Are you all better now? I have paid for the two DC to have swimming lesson and another activity each. DS is proving abit cheaper as he has not grown and his coats/clothes still fit him for winter. DD(2.5) has had her stuff bought though already by me.

I ate breakfast a local Toby this am - it was definately a 'fuck you' moment of rebellion to DH as we had a huge row last night aboutn this comment:

"you could give the porch a tidy when you dont work"

So there was lots of shouting and swearing but I basically replied:

1. I do work....lets see what will happen if i stop
2. Im not picking up after you - not part of my role (1/4 of pile was his)
3. Corrected him serveral times with his OTT dramatic statements (he always does this) not related to the point of argument - if i work or not.

...and he came out with the clanger - "but you are free to do whatever you want I don't stop you"

Ooooh.
You are very restrained.
I would have gone loopy!
I feel pretty grotty still tbh.
Ds1 still coughing but will see how he is after he finishes his ABs.
In a way looking forward to a week doing nothing.

Andsmile I'm on your side but I so wish I didn't work had similar problem with DH last night who accused me of hiding something belonging to him which I obv cleaned up in a major whirlwind of 1 hour I had free of kids at the weekend before family came ! He has a place for nothing so I told him all his stuff now going into a black bag in future he needn't ask me where it is he'll know to look in the bag...

Tip great idea (to make DH channel his rage!) unfortunately he wants nada to do with finances hence I have to do it all. The odd time he does take on a supplier etc (inc. financial) he does get better results than me probably something to do with being male !

Hello all have been decluttering and found lots of clothes with tags on - have chanced my arm and returned them to shops by post with original invoices, hoping for an exchange at least which I will use to get people's xmas gifts or even better, a refund!

Need to pop out in a mo and get chocs for a friend who's having me over for dinner.

Thanks badvoc and Snowie2 ..well I did go a bot loopy, I was two glasses into a bottle of red. I informed him about some of his outdated views by very theatrically listing all the jobs he should do in house and garden, he didnt get the dry reflective sexism. I had to point it out, he just didnt get it.

I was still upset this am to think he thinks I dont work...I am actually studying, final year of Bsc. Which he annoyingly calls my college work. So I rung him and made him talk to me about it. He says he doesnt hold those views and it was a wrong choice of phrase.

Well MBNA are sending their new card out soon.
transfer money to current account - when Overdraft is paid off
use switching service to move all banking to M&S
get £100 voucher - this will cover my presents for adult family members.

Good finds for you then peonies

Get wells soon badvocs lot

Snowie - Im working up a to a list of things DH needs to get on board with.

Andsmile - fair play to you for studying it's very important to improve yourself & prospects
I would love to write a list for DH but tbh I sometimes overlook the amount of work he does with the kids he cooks a lot & does clean the kitchen he does do laundry (but not the putting away) he's not too bad really. We're both just a bit stressed.

In the past I have done a roster of housework and I think it worked to a certain extent. The house is still in bits but the basics get done i.e. clean clothes, bedding, sports gear & work clothes for the kids. But I know when you're studying it's intense too no point in wasting energy on housework !

Snowie I have learnt what is best for our family - what our standards are and i've relaxed a lot about the housework.

Daily - dish wash and clothes, cooking from scratch, tidy main areas.
Biweekly - swish n swipe toilet, hoover downstairs
Weekly - dust but Im not arsed of this doesnt get done. Sometimes batch cook and iron school shirts (otherwise I do them daily)
Clothes are worn if they are not dirty again - rather than being fresh on all the time. Except school/work shirts.

I spend more time on myself now but this is a recent thing

A few things I nicked off here - they are all healthy, fed, clean and cleanly clothed and in their bed breathing at night then its job done!

Snowie thanks re studying comment. Tbh I cant help feeling a tad guilty as I am a qualified and experienced teacher (if not a little burnt out round edges) - but I dont want to go back to that so im retraining but I cant see where Im going to end up at minute. Im studying psychology I will really need to specialise post grad and do further training. But I dont see how Im going to get back anytime soon to full time as DH's job does not allow him to do any school runs and associated Mon-Fri parenting bascially. So I enable him is how I see it...Knowing how much I could earn doing supply teaching makes me feel guilty when it comes to debts - but it has saved a lot in childcare. Im not sure my DS would have come through year 3 so well if I hadnt been there at pick up as he was quite needy...

Well there are a few threads worth of stuff in their alone

Im feeling chuffed as I did boot camp at gym - all in price and we have been to kids activities and library today.

Well it sounds like you're happy with your choice to leave teaching- maybe you could use your experience for your next career whenever that happens ! Funny cos I know a few people who left lucrative careers to retrain as teachers . I wouldn't mind it myself (apart from the actual teaching part lol).

I'm in a position where I earn more & we just couldn't make ends meet in any shape or form on one salary plus I need a career for sanity too. It is hard though as despite appearances I am homely & crafty love cooking sewing knitting & all that. The only thing I can fit in though is cooking. I find t hard to manage my energy is the problem I can go 12 hours in work but when I get home find it hard to do anything other than basics. I do the school run 2 days per week but I always organise the uniforms & mainly make lunches every night. It's usually the most I can manage ! I find it hard coming home from a long day sometimes very stressful to my 2 gorgeous kids who are hyper to see me & demanding my exclusive attention - that's the hardest part I can't even sit down in the evenings usually until bedtime !! So I mostly end up going to bed soon after the kids literally just for peace and quiet. My commute is about an hour each way on a good day. The days I bring them to school too it's hard enough as I get into work after everyone else & have to catch up but the kids appreciate it & I do like to show my face. I feel a bit out of the school gate groups but I just smile and chat where i can. It's not too bad but lately I haven't been able to take a day off when I needed (the rest & house organisation) so that's hard. Saturday and Sunday we have sports & laundry being done as well as seeing other family where we can then its back on the treadmill on Monday !

Anyway it's not too bad I've booked the theatre in a few weeks so that's something that will keep me going ! We've only been out together once this year. No wonder we fight so much !!

Morning all. We had a good result yesterday with our water company - I had a letter to say the dd was going down to £18 a month (from £25) but noticed we were in credit with them so DH rang and queried it and they're sending us a cheque for £119!! they doubled checked the figures and apparently our usage is tiny, but they said the numbers are right, so when the cheque is here I am going to use it towards Christmas presents. Very pleased!