Debt mutual support thread number 4 .... every journey starts with the hardest first step

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from Nerf's incredibly useful
FIRST www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1969188-Can-we-have-a-support-thread-for-people-who-are-massively-in-debt
and then SECOND
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2011878-Debt-support-thread-2?
and my THIRD
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2062902-Debt-Number-3-For-those-who-feel-they-are-drowning-and-want-a-way-out?msgid=48505428#48505428
threads about realising you are in and supporting each other out of debt.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

Welcome to the debt pit I'd say I'm about 2 rungs up the ladder at the moment 1) take stock 2) create a plan 3) implement trying to implement !

Have you written down all your debts & repayments or spoken to creditors ?

Hi Snowie

I know 'roughly' how much I owe but need to sit down and add it all up to the penny. Having massive mental block about this, the feeling is pure panic attack and terror.

Really need to take it all at a speed I can cope with mentally ( currently feeling like I might have a breakdown! there is a lot going on with the relationship too so need to pace myself! which is hopefully not the same as avoidance).

Well it's very painful digging out all the statements etc but it's a necessary start. You'll feel more in control & that will help your mental health. Even just start without checking exactly write down your income on one side & debt repayments, balances & bills on the other side then see how much you have to live on. If it's not enough then you need too contact each creditor and ask for reduced payments. This is very tough as takes ages ! There are lots of ideas online if you google David Ramsey or the snowball method. Only you can do this though !

theboulder
Welcome to the gang.
First off, lock your card repayments into standing orders.
Then cut all but the cheapest of the cards up.
Now look at what you are spending.
And if it includes food for he who will not help, you know what I'm going to say

badvoc
I am NOT and IFA, just a cynic.
If the pension has any defined benefit part (like teachers, NHS, local government, MOD and the like), keep paying into it as long as you can.
If its a Defined Contribution scheme, look how much the employer is paying in and consider whether they control the scheme or is it a personal scheme.
If its a personal scheme, I get even more cynical about them - look at the fees etc.

It's a company scheme, so not great and they keep putting the payment up each year.
I think I would rather use that money now for;

1. Making life lesson a struggle and
2. Paying into an isa where we could get at the money in a hurry if we needed to.

Even if he stopped paying in now he could get a lump sum at 55 (which is 13 years away) as I understand it? Sigh. We need to do some sums...

Boulder...I'm so sorry your partner isn't more helpful and you feel so alone.
If this thread will show you anything it's that you're not! :)
Welcome, and take heart x

2nd payment towards my HSBC CC went out today at £20 extra, with the monthly minimum of £13 coming out later this month. The balance is also slightly less than I estimated, instead of £600 it is £517, so will be below £500 now

Welcome boulder - I'm going to make a bold statement having read your thread on relationships. (I didn't post on it but read it over the weekend)

Your partner is financially abusing you. This debt is a symptom of a bigger problem. Please don't look at the debt as something you need to sort out alone. Whilst I never disagree with TalkinPeace with her financial advice, the back story changes everything. It's not a case of him just not being on board with cutbacks, he is deliberately withholding money and information.

I feel heartbroken for you and how to look at this 30k as a problem when it should never have exisited in the first place. He could write a cheque for this and pay it off.

I hope you're feeling supported on relationship board. I hope posting here will be helpful but I worry that us chatting here about making bread and reusing cloths won't be meaningful. I'm not being flippant. I never normally start calling LTB but honestly he sounds fucking awful.

boulder
In light of didyouevah's comment I have just skim read your thread.
And ignore Greengrow we all love her but she's out of touch
The debt is not yours, it belongs to the household.
I never thought I would say this but the sooner you move out with your kids and get the courts involved to make him cough up to pay the lot in a lump sum dividends are taxed at lower rates than income so he's a liar as well as a bastard and then you can get on with your life, the better

Agree totally with TiP :(

boulder I totally support what Didyou has written as I'd also read some of your thread. I think it's shocking you've accrued debt by paying out for household/family things whilst your DH doesn't help. I wonder, given he is a high earner, what his maintenance payment to you would be post divorce. Sorry, I'm never a LTB kind of poster, but I think the issue, as Didyou has said, goes far beyond debt. I'm sorry.

Miss please update - let us know how you are

kinky
no divorce : sadly her nasty man has taken care not to marry her while piling money into his own private pension that she will have no rights to .... that is why getting the court involved over access and benefits will be best done while the kids are young: once the attachment to his pension is made he'll have a bugger of a time breaking it

Jeez .

if you have kids together, it'll be easier to get money from him in a court case - they'll make sure the kids are cared for.

Boulder I'm so sorry about your relationship and money situation. I have commented on your thread in relationships.

I'm just having a "fuck it" few days. I have got an awful virus and feeling pants generally so when I went to go and get the money out for the shower I took out some extra and we are all having Chinese for dinner... which is something we never ever do. But I so desperately fancied it

Back on the bandwagon tomorrow and back to aldi.

Sigh.

Dh gets paid next week. I'm toying with the idea of paying off the overdraft with the cc again... In some ways it would be good as we'd save £30 worth of charges a month but I'm scared as we've done that before and that's how we've built up the cc to what it is. .

Hmmm.

Is the shower sorted yet fairy?

Tomorrow badvoc :) which will be good as dh hasn't had a wash for nearly 3 days as he can't be bothered to run a bath the lazy sod! (I haven't been anywhere near him!... yuck).

Just finished my Chinese dinner. So, so, so lovely.

Oh fairy younot the only one I ate out at lunchtime - txt DH and said sorry - we kind of keep each other 'right' on this.

I think ive eaten too much today anyway but I have trained very hard.

Hello all, and hello Boulder. You've been given some sensible advice already so I will just add to it my experiences - first husband left me with loads of debt, but it was better apart in terms of emotions than together and feeling resentful and terrified (terrified prob doesn't apply to you, ex dh was also abusive) so what I'm trying to say is whatever you face, facing it alone is sometimes easier.

Oh flakey sometimes you just have to live a bit don't you, otherwise you'd go mad. we are all human :)

Evening everyone! Sorry, I've been AWOL since my first post last week, I've been reading but it's such a faff signing in on my phone I just haven't got round to posting.

kinky I think it was you who asked, yes I am a teacher (ex HOD/faculty head) but I stopped nine years ago when I had my second child as I was working three days and tie lots of nursery feed would have wiped out my wages! When DH lost his job last Sept, I did some supply before this TA job came up at my kids school. At that point we though DH would get another job quite quickly so I took it to avoid paying any childcare (DHs field takes him away a lot but without a set pattern).

Good news, I can pick up two more hours a week after oct half term, which means I can also apply for working tax credits.

Pensions...,..I stopped paying in to my teachers pension nine years ago, thinking I would be able to buy back the years I was taking out to be at home with the kids as that's what people did then. Well, that's bitten me on the bum hasn't it???! We have stopped DHs pension too as we just can't afford to pay into it. Will have to investigate once we are 'straight' again, whenever on earth that may be!!

I also have fuck it days, and if I didn't know I'm a comfort water before, I do now! I've put on a good stone since last year but just can't be arsed to do anything about it, even though I have no clothes that actually fit!

Boulder I haven't read your other thread and I know we're not meant to hug on MN, but have a hug from me anyway! And a glass of wine and a bar of chocolate xxxxx

Right, must go and do something useful!

Oh dear!!! Typo city my last post, I am sorry!! Should read, two lots of nursery fees, and comfort eater not comfort water!

Jickjack same here. If anyone has ideas how to stop comfort eating I'd love to hear it ! Lately I've observed myself eating when I feel anxious (about money) literally - butterflies = kitchen. According to the nhs bmi calc I'm 1.5lbs overweight. I know I should keep carrot sticks in the fridge & grapes in the freezer ! We don't have much junk food in the house (due to food poverty!) but still toast can still do it !

The boulder I haven't read your other thread but sounds like you need solid help with your relationship. Do you have any siblings you could move in with or talk to ? Maybe you could get OH to a mediator & try to come up with a finance plan ?

I was the world's worst comfort eater and have managed to wean myself off in the last year. But if I have had a sad day I make myself a huge milky cup of Twinings Vanilla Tea.

It helps comfort and fills me without me needing to eat tomorrow's dinner or worse, go to the shop for treats. That is my top tip! I have got down to nine and a half stone from 11.7 stone so have tried many a trick!

Well done how did you lose it ? In the past (post babies) I've only ever seen real results from the gym which I can't afford time or money wise now. I'm 10st7 would love to get under 10 & look my best around 9st4 but that's never going to happen again !