Debt mutual support thread number 4 .... every journey starts with the hardest first step

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from Nerf's incredibly useful
FIRST www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1969188-Can-we-have-a-support-thread-for-people-who-are-massively-in-debt
and then SECOND
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2011878-Debt-support-thread-2?
and my THIRD
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2062902-Debt-Number-3-For-those-who-feel-they-are-drowning-and-want-a-way-out?msgid=48505428#48505428
threads about realising you are in and supporting each other out of debt.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

Does he realise you have a problem or is he just head in the sand? I'd just sit down and say finance is an issue, this is how much debt you have and this is how you'd like to solve it and it means reducing spending to xxx. I'd make it seem like a team effort rather than just making it sound like he's to blame - unless he is and doesn't care about how much debt you're in!

Yeah he knows but we don't discuss it in detail he has his head in the sand which means no joint financial decisions are taken. I'm just tired & fed up with it now when he suggests anything that costs money I just ask him where he thinks it's going to come from. That usually ends the conversation. Sometimes I'm a bit shocked at how little he realises we're in deep but he is in total denial and just lets me take the heat all the time. Now I just but stuff for the kids as a priority and let him feel the pinch instead. Although he seems to think there would be more in his pocket if we cut back more - when I inform him it's going on debts he then more or less turns on me that I got us into this. I've begged him in the past to help me deal with creditors etc but apart from coming for one meeting with mortgage bank he lets me deal with all of it. Just so tired !

On holidays not sure if I should cancel my holiday savings plan as its another way of building a cushion I suppose I could always take it out & pay a lump off a loan.

I'd transfer the phone bill to his personal account. Your not his mum, you shouldn't have to pay his phone bill when he works.

You would feel so much better if you paid those debts off & had more disposeable income, the holidays a very brief escape from the debts but its all waiting for you when you get home.

Plus no holiday might make him realise everything's not hunky-dory.

im still lurking. I dont think we are doing as much as other seem to be to paying off debts. Since starting my own thread then reading here:

I have

Used the spreadsheets to set correct repayment levels all based on 2 years.
Got an appointment with mortgage advisor - think we may be able to get one of them switched.
Looked at trimming insurance premiums
I have got food budget down to £50 - about £10 for other non food inc nappies
Stopped spending on incidentals like coffees, snacks etc.
Paused a decorating project until we plan money
Booked a cheap summer holiday £525 S/C accommodation for next year
Resisted my usual clothes buying activties.

But i have also

Paid a lot of start of term activities for children
Ordered a new car (the terms was up on the other one)
Booked some PT sessions - I really needed to do something about health.

I know I have some way to go but DH was happy to tighten screws but not to the extent where we dont feel we are living - I tend to agree so Im on a slowly does it 24 month path. A lot changes for use - youngest at school so no childcare, I graduate so can work, DH is due a large promotion that will set us up and kids (all being well) very well.

Ive just planned October Half Term as I can easy get caught out an SPEND

Swimming (free, so to speak within gym membership)
Nature detective walk - free printed sheets -lovely colourful
Music performance for children followed by workshop - free tickets
Big Draw at the central library - part of arts festival for families
Musicaldoodle - also arts festival
Halloween crafts at home
Probably Emprie Juniors

Flakey - all very good. Do you work now ? One of my dilemmas as the main earner is that I could potentially get a higher paid (and higher stress longer hours) job. The job I have is good but not nrcessarily directly related to my quals. Problem is it's civil service so very secure which is my main dilemma. I could jump now as make 25% more NET and pay our debts much quicker.

As it is I'm looking at 4 years for all debts to be paid off but if I plough everything extra in 2 years. I don't think it's realistic when you have small kids - if it was just me I could. I'd like to get to a position where i don't have to ask family. Eg our car is due nct next month & god knows what needs to be done. Without a cushion saved I'd have to ask family (again) while DH never asks his he's happy to let me ask mine.

Flakey - you sound so similar to me.

Especially as DH is happy to cut back up to a point, but wants to have a life.

I do see his point.

This week I've got rid of loads of tops that have holes in. Those small ones that can't be mended. DH said on they might be good for dog walking, but we end up with ten shabby t shirts.

We have bought no new clothes this year (deliberately set ourselves the challenge). So we're not replacing the old stuff yet.

Wearing clothes with holes in is just a step too far (ie not necessary).

Ive just tried to catch up a little and read your first post.

I think you need to tackle your DH - doeshe have any scope to earn more. He needs to accept responsibility and be active in looking for ways forward.

I don't work at the minute. i am studying(career change). tbh my DH does such ery long hours I am going to struggle to get a decent job even when youngest is at school because getting wrap around care is difficult (as I ve tried for eldest at one point and couldnt get any). As a family this works for us and I do bulk of parenting.

Snowie what I can say is my DH moved from civil service to private sector and he is about to embark up on a long process to become a partner with a very good employer. It has changed our lives (but equally we've mismanaged money to an extent and ironically spend less now) When he first swapped he almost double his salary - it is high expectation (proper professional IYKWIM) and he has a lot of stress and responsbility but he is rewared very well. This is part of the guilt I feel re our money as he earns a whack yet we have all this debt. I'd say its worth considering but not before you've got DH on same page or what is the point?

Didyou yeah we normally would have a bit of spend out of annual bonus on clothes but we had to admit we do not need any so it went on car deposit and debts. I have bought winter clothes at 20% for DD 2 and growing. But DS has plenty from last year and I got some stuff in sales for him a size bigger which will come in handy.

So yep having days out but cheap ones, go to gym lots (fixed part of monthyl budget and its healthy) but dont buy snacks. Ive spent ages planning online shops, counting the 'meals in the basket'. Ive ordered 3/4 decent meals (from scratch) other are 'budget' like sausage and chips. But no fancy smancy brands or booze.

Flakey - ditto here re prof quals which is why it's so easy to benchmark externally. Anyway I don't think it's on the horizon until we're more financially secure so that if something went wrong we could live on DHs salary.

Fairy I think I'm an emotional spender too most of our ridiculous spends went on weekends away (cheap kiddie type hotels) etc in my mind I felt guilty when they were in a crèche expensive as it was so I used to plan holidays to look forward to.

On Winter shopping...DS had his 5th birthday recently so family were under orders to buy from the list I compiled of stuff he was needing...PJs,winter coat,thermal tops/bottoms and money towards boots.He got toys from his chums so was none the wiser so he's taken care of! As for me,I invested in proper snow boots a few years ago,they'd are still going strong and great for just wet/slippy weather too. I've a warm coat and lots of hats/scarves/gloves so ok there. Not so prepared on the clothes front though! I've lost nearly 3st recently so winter aside I'm short on stuff...however not to be outdone,I've set aside all the stuff that's too big, and have ordered a paper pattern for skirts/shorts/culottes/trousers and will dig out the sewing machine...so will unpick the too big stuff,recut to smaller size and see back up again! Also found a nice knitted gilet pattern online last night...have some wool here but my Mum had Stacks! So going to knit myself a gilet for under coat and for around the house. Will be like to coat of many colours lol but I don't care lol happy Sunday folks xx

Mum4fergus brilliant idea on the list of birthday stuff I should do that as my siblings always ask and I always say toys... I do a bit of sewing/knitting myself but unf not much time /energy for it.
Bigger problem just been invited to double kids birthday party next weekend. I have e150 left to get food & pay bus fare for the week (e28) for 9 days... I'll do a meal planner & bring in lunches to work but how will I also buy 2 kids presents without looking very tight :/. There's always something that sets us back as we try to dig ourselves out of this hole!

Thanks Snowie...on the party invite-are they particularly close chums of your DS/s? If not Id politely decline the invite...if that's not an option can you make something, or invite the kids to an event at a later date? You can plan/budget for it a bit longer? Even a movie night at yours with pizza and a DVD or something?

They're cousins on DHs side :/ can't get out of it ! I am thinking I could make a soft toy for each plus sweets... It would be different anyway !

Can you cobble a 'craft chest' chest together with what you have about and maybe some top ups - stick some £1 shop sweets in and if need a comic/mag?

Do your kids have anything you could wrap up thats still in a box or 'new'?

Do have any loylaty points anywhere that could be converted to a cinema voucher?

Not really any presents left over any from my "not so secret" present box mostly used up - just a few leftover grown up presents from Xmas which I will be recycling (and hopefully remembering who the giver was!). I'll have a rummage in drawers in case of clothes with labels I migh have bought & forgotten about thanks !

OMG I made cinnamon rolls today and they were gorgeous!

DH returned with a brown loaf yesterday so when that's done I'll give proper bread making a go.

Also made gnocchi for dinner - it was really easy and so cheap. Just flour and potato. Tasted delicious too, nothing like shop-bought gnocchi.

We had a budget Sunday Lunch today - value sausages casserole (butter beans, peas, toms, worcester sauce and gravy) cabbage, carrots, pots with value yorkshire puds. Even had value cheesecake (frozen £1).

Quite pleased with my meal planning. I have chicken risotto, chilli beef enchiladas, bacon broth (tons of seasonal veg) and another budget one of sausage egg and chips.

Plodding slowly along to payday and marking place...

TIP...can I pick your brains re pensions?
Was talking to Dh last night about his and told him about what people on MN were saying and that lots of IFAs are now not recommending pensions and I think he is seriously considering stopping paying into his company pension.
The money would mean a lot to us ATM.
And we could set up a dd into the Isa to make sure we were putting something away each month.
He has been paying into it for 12 years and obv he can't touch it now til he is 55 (if I have understood the new govt rules correctly?)
Wwyd?
I assume it means he would still get his death in service benefit should - god forbid - anything happen?

Same here Kinky

Back in hospital again, day off work which I really hate. Having a CT scan (hopefully) today to see what is going on with this back and abdo pain. Keep all your fingers crossed for me that they find a cause, I can't cope with these random attacks much longer

Peonies...have you been tested for gallstones?
Hope,you gets some answers today x

Hope you find out whats behind that peonies good luck

Good questions Bavoc - My teacher pension islying dormant (5 years nearly) I need to be doing something for my retirement (40 next year and panicking a bit NI isnt up to date either)

Thanks badvoc, flakey

I am waiting for a CT scan now - this will show any gallstones, kidney stones or abcesses hidden anywhere as it is super sensitive apparently. Fingers crossed it is soon and they find something

Hi all

Please can I join this thread?. I really need help to see a way through the massive financial shit I am in.

I have a thread in relationships about his I have found myself in the position of owing 30k whilst my partner is a high earner and refuses to help me.

Not sure which way to turn and just need to make contact with others who can understand