Debt mutual support thread number 4 .... every journey starts with the hardest first step

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from Nerf's incredibly useful
FIRST www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1969188-Can-we-have-a-support-thread-for-people-who-are-massively-in-debt
and then SECOND
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2011878-Debt-support-thread-2?
and my THIRD
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2062902-Debt-Number-3-For-those-who-feel-they-are-drowning-and-want-a-way-out?msgid=48505428#48505428
threads about realising you are in and supporting each other out of debt.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

This debt business is a bit dreary really.

I just want it done.

Only spent £2 today. On parking. Another trip out with DS and the dogs. Flask and picnic taken . Met with my mum so it was a nice day.

Kids are proper tired now.

Night night!

fairylea
persuade him to resign.
honestly : it will make SUCH a difference

I was "invited to resign" today - am enjoying wine before explaining the "constructive dismissal" rules to that person .... BUT .... I have lots of income streams

and have learned that stress crystallised is stress reduced

didyouevah
Keep the faith
you were in a deep hole
the hole gets shallower each day
one day you'll be out, having retrained your brain and be able to give your kids good things that are theirs not borrowed

I've suggested resigning but if he resigns our mortgage protection won't pay - he has to get sacked or made redundant. I have been on the turn to us website and without the mortgage protection we would struggle to keep our house - which would be a real shame as the mortgage payment is only £330 which is quite low compared to lots of people. I'm encouraging him to go off sick because if he's off long enough I suspect they will find a reason to get rid of him (and to be honest he's struggling so much it would be genuine sickness anyhow) but I don't know if he will. He has gone into work today feeling absolutely dreadful having been up half the night in a panic about work today (been off for two days, just days off).

One of the reasons I hate dhs job so much is the shifts and hours are so unpredictable there is no way I can get an additional job without paying out for childcare. If he had a standard job with regular days and hours I could commit to a couple of nights a week work somewhere. It's so frustrating. Today he's working late again and tomorrow all day 9-5 and Sunday 9-2 and then Monday 9-10 (!) Every week it's different.

I spoke to dh about putting ds (2.3) into nursery a couple of days a week and me looking for something so it's less pressure on him if he just needs to leave but he says no that he is worried something will happen to ds at nursery and will be anxious about that! Can't win.

On a positive note (trying to find them somewhere) my main food shop at aldi that I did on Monday is still going strong! Going back again on Monday. Saved loads.

be able to give your kids good things that are theirs not borrowed

I really like that . Thankyou.

Fairlylea I really sympathise. Hating work is just awful.

I'm looking to change jobs but nothing like the situation you guys are in. Nightmare.

Bollocks to Mortgage protection

sorry, but I am one of the few people in the world EVER to successfully claim on one of those policies (and that was in 1988)

Resign. Resign now.
If nothing else he gets paid notice while resigning and he'll feel better instantly so good ideas will start to pop into your heads.

Thanks didyou hope you find something else soon.

Talkin - do you think mortgage protection is not worth worrying about then? What will happen if we can't pay our mortgage? That's my biggest fear.

Fairylea
If he got sacked and you had to claim it would take three months at best, a year at worst, in which time you are sliding into arrears until the cheque might arrive - without penalty interest
my claim took 6 months and that was BEFORE the market got going

If he resigns and you tell the mortgage company that he has done so to take a month out and then look for better work, they will let the interest clock but do zilch else until 6 months

If the mortgage goes into arrears and - at the very worst - they decide to repossess, that is an 11 month window.

Honestly.
Your DH is ill through work. That is making your long term debt problems worse. Sort it.
(get that cava in the fridge for the day he leaves)

Thank you talkin, that's very useful to know. I'm going to talk to dh again tomorrow and see what we can do - if I can persuade him to do anything!

Hello hello everybody!

I slipped off this thread a while back, and surprise surprise also slipped with debt repayments. I had the opportunity to buy the most amazing bike (yes I know!!!) at a cracking price, talked it over with dp, agonised over it for days and then finally did it. It has meant we've taken a break from debt repayments for a couple of months, but dp and I share it, it keeps us fit as we use it several times a week and has really benefited our social life, as all our friends are huge mountain bikers. The biggest thing for me was the change in my mindset, I would never have agonised over it before!!

Anyway, now the kids are back at school I'm back on it with a vengeance!

Missannersley so pleased to hear your fab news, big congratulations, you really deserve it and it must feel sooo amazing to be debt free now!!

Sorry to hear of your DPs work trouble fairylea. I hope you both start to feel better soon. I can sympathise - I went through some awful stress with work a few years back.

If he's resistant to seeing his GP, u could get hold of a decent strength St Johns Wort - studies have shown it is as effective as anti depressants (my GP even recommended it to me!!) there are a lot of herbs and things that can help modulate cortisol output (help you cope with stress in other words), I use them regularly clinically. Ashwaghanda and rhodiola are two of my favourites.

Tip only you could be amused by being 'invited to resign today'

Well, the cut off date for job is 15th so hopefully I should hear after that.
Sept/oct is busy for me as we have the whole going back to school thing and lots of family b days - inc mine :)
I am hoping to spring (autumn?) clean the house next week as now the kids are back and the replacement carpet is down so no excuse! :)
Dh busy today so that means I have to keep the dc occupied all day...sigh.

Can I recommend this website for ebayers... It's called fatfingers. You have to select your country and then type in a brand name. It'll show you all the misspelt items that are listed and therefore unlikely to be viewed (and bid on) by others.

I've tried it for north face, lelli Kelly and start rite. It's great!

Afternoon all fell off thread. Had a bit of a mare time. Was lifting DS Friday past and my hip went. Ended up in A&E Sun afternoon and was kept in til Thu evening!! On the plus side,I didn't spend a penny, and discovered I have non contributory BUPA cover through work that will cover physiotherapy starting Monday!

DS 5th birthday today but that was all budgeted and paid for previously. Only outlay I've had was petrol money(!) to x for all the running back n forth he's done for me...not complaining mind,he's actually been very supportive. So party this afternoon then my family are coming to visit DS as I can't drive ...

gift cards only last two years.
did you know, though, that with national book tokens, if they expire, you can ring custoner services and they'llsend you a new one?
it's worth knowing that. they did it because the paper ones never expire and they felt it was wrong to have a deadline on the gift cards.
when i wwas iin gainful employment, i used to use any m&s giftcards to buy nice lunch treats

(((( Mum4Fergus ))))
Hope you are not in too much pain, but not being able to drive for a bit might be the silver lining in the cloud
and glad that things with x are such that he has risen to the need rather than gone snippy at you.

didyouevah
Fatfingers is great - I know sellers who use it to save a fortune on their adwords budgets

Ouch Mum - that must have been agony. Hope you are feeling better now and have suitably strong painkillers.

So, traded in on Amazon last weekend and got £54 which I've just used to buy a pile of dreaded Christmas presents. I try to buy bits each month to spread the cost and I am determined to be stricter this year. I have a list of exactly what I want to get DCs and the few other people I buy for. I'm telling DH we're not bothering and we've stopped buying for adults in the family now anyway.

Oh yes, Xmas...

Now the schools are returning that's the next item on our agenda isn't it?

I've been putting money aside each month, and luckily it's not a massive deal with big expectations all round.

It's like a big roast dinner with tinsel

I love it.

The DCs have loads of extended family that buy for them and they're at a good age where they don't know the value of stuff.

Last year I bought them nowt. Seriously. They had no idea. They had so much fun with their step siblings and cousins they didn't realise their own mother hadn't bought them anything

I have been selling stuff on e bay and using that to buy Xmas gifts...
Dc are nearly done now...just stocking filler stuff needed.
I don't go mad on food either...it is just a roast dinner after all :)
My dc are very lucky as they have lots of other family that buy for them too so this year I have set myself a target of 10 gifts max each.
Ds1 has an advent candle as he doesn't like chocolate (!)
I like to make nice memories...paper chains, carol concert, making mince pies...:)
We are at home this year which means I will need more food (normally go to mils)
Might go to ikea and get some cheap decs. Ours are looking a bit..er...sad :(
Not getting a real tree this year...(they are £££) but we have a nice fake one.

Had my second NSD in a row today - haven't been out of the house as we started packing to move to our cheaper place next weekend.

So today was spent scrubbing at black mould with a toothbrush and washing walls. And a bit of packing

I had a talk with DH about our finances - he has hit his overdraft limit on his own account with nearly three weeks until payday. We have a joint account but it's very overdrawn.

He is a head-in-the-sand type when it comes to money and I'm trying to get through to him that he needs to address this now and that our new place will give us the opportunity to get us out of our financial black hole.

It's amazing how many of us have partners who don't seem to be able to get their heads around it.

DH is more than happy to let me sort everything out. Lord knows what would happen if I got hit by a bus.

It's like I start talking about money and his eyes glaze over. Yet, he wants to do things/have things. It's very annoying.

I've read the post to him and he's having a sulk now.

But, case in point, I asked him to look at our Sky package days ago to bring the cost down. Roll to yesterday when he was 'definitely' going to do it.

This morning, still not done, but now affronted that I have to 'nag' him.

At times I feel like booking myself a long holiday using the combined accounts and buggering off for a few weeks.

Hi all, just marking my place so I can come back later and read this whole thread x

Hi all

My debts are terrifying me to the point that it's giving me health anxiety because if one of us were to lose our jobs through illness or redundancy, it would all come crashing down like a house of cards around our ears. We can "afford" it on two okay wages but I've never really totted up how much it costs us to maintain the minimums and it's half my salary!

Loan 1: £7100 (will end in January 2019) - £169 per month
Loan 2: £7600 (will end in January 2018) - £208 per month
Loan 3: £1260 (42 payments left) - £30 a month for sofa
Tesco CC (me): £3500 - 16.9% interest - £70 per month
Halifax CC (DH): £4900 - 12.9% interest - £52 per month
Halifax CC (me): £4600 - 12.9% interest - £48 per month
MBNA (DH): £5400 - 5.9% - £56 per month
HSBC CC (me) £600 (ish) - 16.9% - £12 per month
Catalogue: (me) £155 - v expensive - £13 per month
Overdraft 1: £500 (Natwest) - pay about £8 per month in interest
Overdraft 2: £1500 (HSBC) - pay about £16 per month in interest
£37115 in total.

God I feel sick now I have added all that up

We also have a mortgage of £78000 (house is worth about £120,000) so only equity of £42,000 so not much net worth to show for 20 years together!

My plan was to let the loans run and then start tackling the credit cards after January 2018, then a bit more in January 2019. I just feel so overwhelmed by the big numbers. I think to myself that if I were to pay £100 off the credit card that only knocks around £2 off the minimum payment, and then I think that £100 is better hanging around in the bank for emergency money (hah).

I have two DS's, one is in his last year of 6th form so hopefully when he finishes his exams in May / June he will look for temp work before starting university and once he gets a maintenance loan he can start paying some board money.

Oh god, I still feel sick

Bantam you're doing the right thing. Everyone here has been very non-judgmental and made good suggestions to help me get out this situation.

Other more experienced people will be along soon to suggest debt consolidation etc but for me, checking out the earlier threads and YouNeedABudget have been key.

Even though I'm still skint I feel a lot more positive about it!

Kinky my DH genuinely would barely notice if I spent EVERYTHING. He is vv generous and it's like turning a tanker around to try to get him to rein it in. He is very happy-go-lucky and lives in the moment which doesn't always make for good spending decisions! Trying to work with him to get him to understand why it needs to change but it is slow as he hates talking about money. He will hit his overdraft limit without realising as he doesn't know what state his bank account is in so is oblivious to when payments go out.