Debt mutual support thread number 4 .... every journey starts with the hardest first step

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from Nerf's incredibly useful
FIRST www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1969188-Can-we-have-a-support-thread-for-people-who-are-massively-in-debt
and then SECOND
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2011878-Debt-support-thread-2?
and my THIRD
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/a2062902-Debt-Number-3-For-those-who-feel-they-are-drowning-and-want-a-way-out?msgid=48505428#48505428
threads about realising you are in and supporting each other out of debt.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important thing to remember is

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it.
The long term results for you, your marriage and your children are worth it.

This carrot cake Here is great - she makes it as muffins but it also works in a cake tin.

gnocchi - less than £1 from Aldi - nice alternative to pasta.

fishcakes made from this recipe Here served with carrots, frozen peas, whatever other veg there is lying around

sausage casserole - pack of sausages chopped and fried with an onion, garlic and a diced pepper or two. 2 tsps Paprika, 2 tsps cumin and 1 of mild chili powder added at this stage to soak into the onions. Add 2 x tins chopped tomatoes, 2 x tins of beans (I use butter beans and borlotti beans, or you can get tins of mixed beans), 2 handfuls of frozen sweetcorn. Simmer until the sauce goes jammy.
I serve with crusty bread or with HM potato wedges. You can add grated carrot and celery at the onion stage if you have them, it will bulk it out and make it tastier. Red lentils also work.

That sounds goooood, I'm bookmarking that!

That carrot cake looks lovely Miss A! I've been looking at her blog for ideas recently too and it looks great. Will definitely try sausage casserole too, yum!

Am off to Aldi later so will pick up gnocchi, haven't had it in years. Still running down my cupboards so everyone can expect noodles, lentils and beans all week... moving day next Friday .

I did take some boxes from work to try to minimise the amount of packing boxes we'll have to buy - I did this last time we moved too but they weren't a very helpful shape (no hand-holes etc) - however beggars really can't be choosers so I don't mind having uncomfortable packing.

What does everyone think sells best on eBay? I've put some worn-once shoes on that are having barely a sniff but clothing seems to be going better. I have a few too-big but OK-quality (Designers at Debenhams type brand) coats - they have been worn for a couple of winters but no missing buttons etc - will they go well, does anyone think?

I'm not sure about adult clothes but if you have any kids clothes ive found that individual outfits sell better than bundles, and boys clothes sell better than girls clothes. I only have daughters but all the unisex type stuff they have sells in the boys section, having not been touched in the girls. Weird!

Another no spend day here. Last day of hols. DC wanted to go swimming.

We're in the woods with the dogs and bikes and a picnic.

I really want a coffee but resisting as I've just added up 2 cups a week would cost about £250 a year. That's my demotivator right there.

I'll grab a free one from waitrose later

I meant we're at the woods instead!

They're happy though.

didyouevah
I must admit I d not tend to have coffee "out" as its SUCH an expensive way to buy a bit of hot water.

badvoc
Make him clean the skirting boards as penance for being a prat on the ebay stuff

Good to see people are hanging on in there - and yummy recipes MissA

eBay - if you can list for free I'd just list everything, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to what sells and what doesn't!
I am currently debating whether to iron and list some clothes or just to donate to charity - I'm feeling the latter is a nice gesture and means I don't have to iron

I agree, but I would say that actually proper ground coffee with hot milk is more than just hot water. Still not worth it though!

Gah. Wish it was the last day of the holidays here rather than day 3 of back to work and feeling like it's been a month. The students aren't even in yet!

Had to spend today too as realised DS now needs a fecking outdoor PE kit. This better be blummin used and not just cloakroom decoration for a year like the spare wellies were last time.

Hello everyone. .. really enjoying reading all the recipes and the eBay tips. I find clothes do quite well on ebay... and comics! Dh had some old comics he'd collected and we managed to sell them about 6 months ago for about £200! Sadly no more lurking about....!

I've had a pretty stressful few days.. I'm quite worried about dh. All the stress from work seems to be really getting to him. He seems totally on edge to the point that last night (at close, 10pm) he phoned me in absolutely floods of tears worried he'd made a mistake and was going to be sacked. I literally couldn't calm him down and I felt really worried about him. Eventually he went back to try and sort it out and he did - so he hadn't made a mistake at all. He's just so stressed he can't think straight. He came home and just collapsed in a heap and cried. He has suffered from severe depression before and I think all the worry about his job is just getting to him, plus he really hates his job and is getting to the point he feels he can't cope. I suggested me going back to work but he wants to work - he just feels so down he hates his job so much. So I don't know what to do... I can try harder to find a job but I can only do part time really (have chronic health problems) so we would be much worse off. I have suggested to dh he takes some time off sick but he won't do that either. Stuck.

So stressed out.

Anyway..

Today we spent some of our clubcard vouchers on a day out. The entrance fees would have cost us £44 but with the vouchers we only had to pay £4 and.... I took packed lunch for everyone! Get me

I'm half way through my £120 for the week which is pretty good going. So far....!

Oh Fairy, that sounds awful. Your poor DH. You are doing really well. As the debt starts to ease hopefully the stress will lessen a bit as well and he will feel like he has a bit of breathing space.

Fairylea that is so sad, your poor DH.

Work stress and money stress are both horrendous. Can he give himself a target (say until the end of October) after which he will try and find something new? I used to have a high-stress career and would set myself short-term goals to try to keep myself going. I eventually changed career and am much happier now.

Going to put some more clothes on eBay this evening - my DH has boxes and boxes of old magazines from when he was a boy, I wonder whether any of those would fetch some cash..!

(((( Fairylea )))) Your poor DH and poor you.
I understand where he's at -
The husband of one of my clients used to vomit behind the car every morning before setting off for work. After four months of it she said that poverty would be better so he handed in his notice.
Their finance buffer was four days.
BUT
as soon as he resigned the company woke up about the shit they had put him under and work got infinitely better
he still left but three months latter and in better physical and mental health
and walked straight into a much better job

you and your DH need to sit down and get him to pretend to be a chatty woman and tell you what he's thinking

fairy I am so sorry, huge hugs for you and your DH. Is there no way he could get some reassurance from head office about the future of his job? Could he move to a similar post in another company?

Hope you find a way to lessen the pressure soon.

Fairy, I really think he ought to see his gp re antidepressants.

No one wants to go on them but they saved my dad from a nervous breakdown. They weren't addictive or unsuitable for driving etc.

Your poor husband, I really feel for him.

Thank you everyone, very touched by your messages... feel a bit crap for dumping on such a usually lively and uplifting thread! Dh and I have been talking a lot this evening. I agree with the anti depressants idea and am quietly trying to encourage him to go to the gp. He's a very stubborn man... He just won't quit or ask for help!

I will keep trying.

Thank you everyone.

Going to dig out some clothes for ebay tomorrow I think!

fairylea
the reason for threads like this is to dump out of your head all of the crap that is stopping you sort things out
and that you cannot tell real life friends because it would be too painful
forums are cathartic when used well
we are here to listen and not to go all AIBU on you

What TiP said.
Last year was terrible and the stress of work made me almost insane so I really feel for your dh. I suppose the answer is in is it internal o r external? On l y when I got treatment for ocd did it get better, but if work is,actually horrible all the the therapy in the world is an elastoplast on a broken leg.

I've just realised how bad my debt situation is (or I imagine it is, I think the credit card letters must still be going to exP's address as I haven't had any. The phone they have for me is my mums but she hasn't mentioned any calls)
I just checked the account online (I've been an ostrich for the past few months) and it just says 'suspended' and to call them but they're closed now obviously!
I had a baby last year and a stroke 5 days later so I didn't go back to work on time and ended up unable to pay any bills. They agreed to sort of suspend my account for 6 months, but this was 9 months ago! I made a few payments about 5-7 months ago but since then nothing and I haven't even contacted them. I sorted out my other debts, found somewhere to live etc and somehow this just kept being at the bottom of my to do list. Why am I such an idiot! I can't sleep I just want it to be 7am so I can ring them and hopefully be able to sort out a repayment plan. Any advice would be really appreciated!!

fairy I got like this with pressure from work when DD was ill (I was working FT in a pressured place whilst she had cancer. They weren't supportive.) - sometimes your body tells you you need a rest through the way you respond to things. This situation will not get better until he takes a step back from it to allow himself to calm and recover: this is not possible whilst he is still at work.

He needs to get himself to the GP and ask for help. You need to put some gentle pressure on him to go. They should insist on signing him off as he sounds like he needs that time away. Really, your DH should be asking for that anyway. Nobody wants to go off sick, but sometimes we have no choice.

Once he has a rest, a week or two at home, he can reevaluate and put a plan into place. Whether he brushes up his CV and starts looking for other jobs, or sets a time frame in which to do that. He can also start to think about his strengths again rather than all of the things that go wrong. Putting a plan into place is really empowering and lifts you out of the situation: he starts to see it as a step or temporary, rather than all-consuming with no way out. There is always a way out, he just needs to step back.

The GP might give ADs, but this will just be a plaster and will not achieve very much if he is still in the situation and nothing is changing. I take them - I refused to have time off work at first and took them, but my anxiety just kept getting worse. I had a breakdown and 6 weeks off work and then, with rest, the ADs really did make a difference to me and I still take them now. I loves them but they can't cure a situation. They also make you feel shit for the first couple of weeks you take them, so being at work during that isn't great either.

Other things that are helpful are concepts like 'mindfulness'. There are lots of things online. But, again, I think he needs to be removed from the situation to look into these.

Can he not take holiday if he doesn't want to be signed off?

It's always the most conscientious among us who fall the hardest.

But, we can pick ourselves up.

Hello the end , well done for facing up to it. Have you listed what you owe, and what you repay as a start?

Thanks Nerf TBH i don't really know. About 4000 i think. I'm just gulping down a strong coffee and then I'm going to ring them and find out what the situation is.

theend welcome and don't panic! If you had an agreement in place for 6 months then at least that shows you were trying to sort the issue. You've had health problems and they must deal with that a lot. Give them a ring and find out what you owe. Do you have any savings?
They will sometimes settle debts for pence on the pound if they think they'll actually get some money - offer what you have and see but don't exchange money until you have the settlement agreement IN WRITING and keep their letters in a safe place forever and ever.