How do you deal with pregnancy envy?

[LilithSerenity]

Am I a bad person? Why am I so envious? I recently found out that someone I'm not in contact anymore Is pregnant. I grew up with them and we were best friends since we were 3 up until I was 17.... Their mother broke the news that they were 3 months along and the baby would be born sometime in the summer.
I got very sick to my stomach when I heard the news. Like maybe sick with envy It keeps replaying in my mind. The initial shock is gone at least and it already feels somewhat better but yeah.... I'm envious. Very green with envy.

I've struggled anytime I've gotten pregnant and yet they're able to get pregnant and carry without issue even though they could care less. They have alcohol issues, no highschool diploma, don't work, top that off with no license and living with someone they're in and out of relationships with. Even though I'm lucky to have none of these issues and I keep myself healthy and desperately have wanted a baby anytime I've carried...yet nothing.

I can carry nothing.

@Herejustforthisone I understand that was your message and it's not an unhelpful one.

What was unhelpful was the harsh and accusatory tone you used in delivering it to someone who is struggling.

You were trying to offer helpful advice, that's great, but your post completely lacked empathy and tact. Using words like 'demonising' and 'toxic' is not helpful.

That is really sad.

You will hold your baby one day.

Focus on yourself and moving your own life forward, that is the only thing you have control over and time is on your side. You'll be OK.

What does any of the things you mentioned have to do with me grieving? So what I'm 22 and I may not be actively trying for a baby. So what. I never asked for someone to tell me how awfully negative my thoughts are, because it's very obvious. I don't know why you believe I didn't understand this or why you think offering advice when I'm clearly raw and emotional is going to reach me anyway. I never asked for advice for one. Especially on solving my own negative thoughts because those are very much so normal. Everyone has them, they're only bad when you use it to hurt someone else.
I simply was asking how others have coped, not how they think I should cope. I don't even know why you think you're the most qualified to tell me what to do especially when you have no idea about my situation other than the information I'm having to spoon feed you.
And yes, I had no chance to hold my stillborn baby because I had to do it at home and I had stuff I had to do. I couldn't lay in bed and grieve even if I wanted to because I didn't have that luxury. So yes I'm fresh and raw and I hope that even if you're super insensitive and your response only took you less than a few seconds to write and post because that is how much thought and sensitivity you took in putting your words together. I hope you are lucky to never have to have a stillbirth especially on your own with no support. I'm angry yes, I'm envious yes, but we already knew that.

@Organzo It feels a little bit better today then yesterday. My bf has been very helpful and soothing when it comes to everything. I felt like I needed to come here though because a lot people kind of look at me as strange just because they don't have similar experiences and I kind of feel alone tbh to some degree. I do have resources and help but I kind of feel very at a loss lately. Uncomfortable. Like the emotions need to be processed but I just feel very lost. I would never do it but suicidal thoughts were there for a short bit. I have only male friends but they have let me talk about what I'm feeling. They can't tell me how to cope, and can't tell me how they have coped since they don't have any experiences like this. I don't even think sometimes I even understand what is happening or why I'm so upset sometimes. I feel like laying in bed and not really moving... and I feel kind of like a burden towards people in my life for feeling grief.

@LilithSerenity I understand. It all sounds very heavy. You're carrying a huge burden every day.

Have you ever had any therapy for this, seen a counsellor? It could be a really good way to get things off your chest. Sometimes posting on anonymous forums can end up with upsetting outcomes (like the posts above), but if you see a professional then they know how to listen and hold that space for you.

It's worth thinking about and even if you've had therapy before, some more might be helpful now, as you are still grieving.

OP I think your therapist may be the best person to help you with this.
People on here have given support and shared their own pain because they thought you were genuinely going through fertility issues. Can you appreciate that you're upsetting other people?

I strongly advise that you use proper contraception until you are in a better place mentally. Please look after yourself.

I absolutely loathed anyone who could get pregnant easily when I had a number of miscarriages (four in a row) and I was soo soo angry/bitter. I just couldn't see past my own pain.

My advice:

Unfollow anyone who triggers these feelings that you can't be happy for, if you have any close friends who you care for who happen to fall pregnant explain that you love them but you're in a painful place so they can understand you better.

Go out and literally do EVERYTHING people with kids can't, double down on fun, closeness with your partner, I can guarantee your friends with kids will probably be very envious of you if you're off hiking, swimming in pools that aren't 50% kids wee, going to lovely locations that aren't softplay, and going out to lovely dinners and not having to pay a babysitter or worse book it and have the babysitter cancel.

You're in a painful place, but speaking from experience on both sides (having been that person who was very angry and bitter about not having kids, and now having them after a lot of pain, IVF and miscarriages) please don't let this ruin some of the best years or your life (kids or no kids)