How do you deal with pregnancy envy?

[LilithSerenity]

Am I a bad person? Why am I so envious? I recently found out that someone I'm not in contact anymore Is pregnant. I grew up with them and we were best friends since we were 3 up until I was 17.... Their mother broke the news that they were 3 months along and the baby would be born sometime in the summer.
I got very sick to my stomach when I heard the news. Like maybe sick with envy It keeps replaying in my mind. The initial shock is gone at least and it already feels somewhat better but yeah.... I'm envious. Very green with envy.

I've struggled anytime I've gotten pregnant and yet they're able to get pregnant and carry without issue even though they could care less. They have alcohol issues, no highschool diploma, don't work, top that off with no license and living with someone they're in and out of relationships with. Even though I'm lucky to have none of these issues and I keep myself healthy and desperately have wanted a baby anytime I've carried...yet nothing.

I can carry nothing.

Sorry, OP. I absolutely sympathise.

I can't give you any advice but I remember being furious/outraged/distressed and completely unable to cope when I encountered a pregnant woman once, just after losing one of my babies myself.

It's horrible and I understand how you feel.

It sounds like they actually have a lot of issues that are not very appealing! Alcohol issues, no work... is that a life you'd really want? And the child born into that - they are not going to have a fantastic childhood by the sound of it.

I do understand though, struggling with infertility myself, how hard it is when people announce pregnancies.

Just try to focus on yourself, your own life, and making yourself happy. Don't compare your life to theirs.

When you do have a child, you will be able to give them a better life as it sounds like you do not have most of the issues that these people do.

You guard your heart and look out for you.

Unfollow pregnant women on social media, fill your feed with others who ‘get it’. This made me feel less alone.

Do not feel like you need to go to baby showers and children’s parties.

Do not feel like you have to be around pregnant women. You can make your excuses. It’s absolutely fine.

I know exactly how you feel. After miscarriages and the merry go round of TTC, a couple in our social group announced a surprise pregnancy. It was not such a surprise to me as the woman had privately moaned frequently about the bloke in the couple not wanting to commit, not proposing, etc.

I felt physically ill at the news as it just made me so sad that me and DH couldn’t have our planned, both-wanted baby. I wished her no ill will and wanted her to have a safe, happy pregnancy but I just felt distraught that she was going on this journey and I had to watch. It’s a very common reaction to feel sick with envy.

You are not a bad person. I hope you get your baby. X

Yeah I also got anxious hearing they were having a baby when there is all of those issues. I definitely want to wait...but still. I couldn't sleep properly at all last night. Tossed like crazy, it keeps replaying in my mind. I feel like I'm going mad with envy. :(

@TheShellBeach when will it get better? I can't focus on anything, it almost reminds me of the time I had a breakup because it's on my mind like crazy.

@Organzo I'm going into medical coding soon and have a great partner...things are awesome. I had a pregnancy that ended at 3 months, as well as one prior a long time ago. Things just feel raw again all over. I have no idea how to cope. I feel like I'm going mad. All I do is cry.

@NoMoreFreesias Thanks, it makes me feel better a little bit. Or at least a little bit alone to see others have gone through this. I can't focus on anything either. It's like Ive been through a breakup after hearing the news that they're pregnant. I feel like I'm going mad. I have no idea what to do or how long it will be until things feel normal again. I don't even know if what I'm going through is normal for most or not. I just feel very lost.

How do you know they haven't had their own issues getting pregnant but have kept it private?

@curiousbanana Because the baby was an accident. They're not in a stable situation nor were trying to get pregnant. It just happened and so she's having it.

I can relate to everything you are feeling. It feels like a bereavement.

The only thing that made me feel better was avoiding triggers and being proactive about my fertility struggles. I don’t know where you are in your journey but…

• losing weight and exercising regularly to get my body as healthy as possible
• blood tests for any possible causes
• supplements to improve my egg quality
• tracking my cycle and using clearblue ovulation tests to pinpoint my fertile time

I also tried to actively hang out with people where kid chat just wouldn’t be on the cards at all. A local sports club was full of young professionals who were ten years out of settling down so they were great people to spend time with. Good energy and a nice atmosphere at
a very trying time.

@curiousbanana Besides, why would you try for a baby when you can't even support yourself???
Last time they spent a lot of time rubbing in my face how much having a baby would be hard for me cause I have endometriosis and other issues. I have no sympathy for her.

What does that have to do with how OP is feeling right now?

How people acquire their babies, even if it’s through IVF or IUI or years of trying, does not not make pregnancy announcements less triggering for people. It’s not always a beacon of hope. It can just be a reminder that they are the 10% it worked for and you’ll be in the unlucky 90%.

Let OP hurt without shaming her.

@curiousbanana Besides, why would you have a baby when you can't even support yourself???
They can't drive, have no car, job, nothing. I feel sympathy for that at the least.
I don't feel anything other than that because of the fact that she rubbed in my face a lot about how having a baby would be hard for me because I have endometriosis and other issues. She thoroughly enjoyed rubbing it in my face too.

@LilithSerenity That sounds so hard. Solidarity here. Tbh I think you just need to look away from them and think about your career, your partner, all the great things you have.

You don't actually want their life or what they have. You want your own child. It will happen for you, and when it does it will be so much better because you are so much more sorted.

@NoMoreFreesias I'm glad I'm not pregnant tbh but yeah it does hurt. I want a baby but I can't have one. I'm no where near what most people are in their journey for a baby probably on this forum. I just turned 22 literally. I just can't have one right now. There is so much to do, and yet it does sting.
I even want to do modeling, I found an agency willing to take me. Can't be pregnant. So much going for me and yet I'm over here being envious as hell. I might exercise today maybe...a part of me wants to stay in bed but that might make it worse. I just feel sick to my stomach.

Well, for me it only got better when I became pregnant again, unfortunately.

This is very extreme. You’re demonising this woman, but claim she was your friend at one point. Are you tearing her down because you’re jealous or is she genuinely this terrible failure and awful person?

You’re young. Very, very young. See a doctor. There’s plenty of time for you and I hope you get what you want, but your attitude to your former friend is extremely toxic.

@Herejustforthisone Yes, she is genuinely that type of person. Hence why they are no longer in my life. I do not wish for their life like someone else said, would never wish for that. I would like to have my own baby someday. Just no now. And yes I am envious and If you think I'm tearing them down(someone who I don't speak to and wont ever know about this post or how I feel because I keep it to myself because I don't want to tear them down) then what you're doing is no different. In fact, it's much worse because you can't even keep it to yourself. You're just kicking me even more when I'm down and you have no shame.

@TheShellBeach I guess I just meant this momentary feeling. I'm hoping I feel better in a week or two and things will go back to normal...right now crying seems to be my thing. I just feel very torn at the moment. I guess reassurance that this is going to blow over soon would be nice because in the moment everything feels very painful :(

@Organzo Yeah this speaks volumes tbh. Like I definitely don't want their life. It's helped me be more mindful of birth control but at the same time it does hurt. My partner has reassured me I'm human and it's okay to feel whatever I'm feeling. I just wish it would go away faster.... Like I do have a lot to look forward to. Therapy has helped a lot when I went in at one point. I feel kind of yucky today but it's a little better than yesterday(I think)

How am I kicking you when you’re down? I’m advising against wasting your time on the incredibly strong negative feelings you have towards this woman. They won’t help you. Calling her what you’ve called her won’t make you feel better. I think you need to read my post properly.

@Herejustforthisone Maybe re-read your above post, it was extremely harsh.

OP is struggling with infertility which is a horrendous thing to go through, it is bloody hard seeing people you know get pregnant when you've been trying for such a long time, and yes it can lead to feelings of resentment which are not always entirely rational.

OP isn't hurting anyone, she's getting things off her chest on an anonymous forum.

@Organzo yeah I'm not hurting anybody. I know it's not particularly rational but I did have a stillbirth rather recent and so maybe I am envious that I can't hold my baby. I couldn't even hold them because I had stuff to do that same day and my family didn't know. I had no choice but to just go on my way right after. I can't hold my own baby and I can't replace the one that I had. It makes me feel angry for some reason.

It wasn’t intended to be harsh. I don’t believe it was. It was intended to remind someone that tearing down another (whether they deserve it or not) is an unhealthy endeavour and does nothing to improve your own state of mind. It only perpetuates it. The OP said repeatedly she didn’t want a baby yet as she’s just turned 22 and is embarking on a new career as well as trying some modelling. She’s seeking help for her medical issues. She has alluded to having losses which is an awful thing many of us have experienced (me included), still birth not so much but that’s only just been mentioned. If she wanted to rant into an echo chamber, fine. I’’m not silencing her. But I was attempting to offer constructive advice which is to cease focusing on how undeserving she finds her former friend, as it’s not healthy or helpful to her.

I couldn't even hold them because I had stuff to do that same day

What?