Hey girls, just catching up with everyone. Seems like quite a few of us are having a tough time at the moment doesn’t it ☹ I totally know what you mean about getting flashbacks and hearing certain phrases go through your head when you’re least expecting it. I actually can hardly bear to think about the various times I was in the EPU as I find it incredibly upsetting to remember all the horrible things that happened and I feel sorry for past me ☹ It’s almost too horrible to think back on, if that makes sense. Not sure if that’s healthy but I think it’s just my mind’s way of coping with it.
And then every so often I’ll remember something, like the poor woman who came in and didn’t speak much English but was asking the lovely Dr if she’d had a miscarriage and then (from what it sounded like) opened her handbag to retrieve a container with her baby in ☹ Or like the girl who was in the bed next to me when I was waiting for an emergency scan. Obviously you can just hear everything can’t you and she’d had a miscarriage and they left her with the booklet for the 3 options. They then came back and she said she’d have the tablets and go home, and I felt like pulling the curtain back and asking her if she’d Googled it or anything as I’d read it could be quite traumatic ☹ but I didn’t! And then a male nurse said he would put the tablets in and she asked if a female nurse could do it but he said he was the only one who could. He sounded genuinely apologetic and he was really nice but I just felt like running round and hugging her or trying to support her as she was on her own. Ahhh getting upset just writing this! Point is, totally get what some ladies are saying about having all these awful traumatic memories. I really hope they fade away with time.
I’ve had (another…!!) emotional day. I’m on I think 5 weeks 5 days since the ERPC and still no period BUT. This morning I did an OPK (have been doing them for like 2 weeks) and FINALLY the line is darker and I also am pretty sure I had EWCM today and potentially yday too so I’m really really hoping this is ovulation.
But then even though this is great news as I’ve been so so worried, I spiraled off into sadness and anger that we aren’t allowed to try this cycle and we’re missing out and what if we’re missing a good egg and what if my next cycle is so long too and it’s so long to wait and just arrghhhh. I ranted to DH and he was amazing and said basically Drs orders were to wait for a period. So that’s what we’re going to do. I know he’s right and I think I’d be so anxious if we did TTC this cycle so I know it’s for the best. I wouldn’t want to go against what they said even if I think they just say it for dating purposes. That’s what they told me to do. I just keep comparing myself to ladies who have snapped back into a regular cycle and are already back to TTC properly and I know I need to stop. All of us are different, all of our bodies are different, we’ve all had different experiences and we all miscarried at different times so there is no one size fits all for post-miscarriage experiences. I just need to wait and let my body do what it needs to do and stop being so hard on it/myself. Does that make sense? Like I keep thinking of my body as something that is against me, like it’s a separate entity, but why would my body try to sabotage me!? My body wants to have a baby! That’s literally what it’s been trying to do every month for like 20 years despite me taking a stupid pill for most of those years to stop it!!!
The moral of this very long-winded rant, as it is with, I fear, the majority of my posts, is I just need to WAIT. And yes, it is annoying waiting. It’s incredibly frustrating. But I’ve waited this long. I waited in the TWW. I waited 4 weeks for a private scan. I waited 8 hours in a hospital bed on my own for my operation. And most importantly I waited 7 agonizing days of bleeding in between scans not knowing if our baby was going to make it or not while somehow still going about my daily life. So even though it feels impossible to know that I might be waiting a few weeks still until we can try again, really it’s only a few weeks in the grand scheme of things and it isn’t going to be something I look back on and remember. I’m going to try and stay positive that we will do everything we can in this next cycle, and I haven’t got long to wait until hopefully my period comes and we have a fresh start, and I can get back to properly tracking etc.
WHEW #speech! I feel better having typed all that out. I needed to tell myself those things. I hope everyone is doing okay today. Sending love to you all xxx