Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC - Thread 3. ALL welcome!

[AMS19]

Previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/4139555-Support-thread-for-those-experiencing-or-recently-experienced-a-MC-MMC-Thread-2-ALL-welcome?pg=1

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Sorry if I've missed anyone, MN wasn't showing me everyone who had posted xx

@Scottishskifun that sounds like an incredibly difficult day. Sending you so much love xx

@Scottishskifun

I am so sorry it sounds a really hard day for you.

I hope you are taking it easy and taking care of
Yourself xx

@Scottishskifun what an incredibly emotional day you've had, I hope it brings you a tiny bit of closure for this wee one that will forever be in your heart, sending you lots of hugs xx

I’ve had a pretty low day today, I’ve kept replaying in my head being in the ultrasound room and being told there was no heartbeat. Looking back I could tell the sonographer’s body language meant there was something wrong. Did anyone else find this? This was my first pregnancy so I’ve got nothing else to compare that scan experience to. I’m just really dreading any scans next time around. Part of me really wants to be pregnant again but I know I need to wait. I also find myself thinking about all the things my baby will never get to have or be a part of. This experience is so rubbish and I really don’t think lockdown helps with not being able to go out and do much or see people xx

@MeganChar1 I totally understand how you feel. It takes alot of work to get out of those thoughts, because your mind really wants to entertain them but all its doing is making you feel worse, so perhaps meditation could help you? Definitely allow yourself to grief those lost dreams, but try not to for too long. Big love ❤️ xxx

@MeganChar1 i know precisely what you mean. I had the exact same, the lovely irish sonographer with a funny expression on her face then saying, "I'm so sorry (name), I'm not seeing a wee heartbeat here". For weeks it'd jump into my head and immediately bring tears. Now I cant think of it without crying but it's still the saddest bit for me

@MeganChar1 mine was the silence. It lasted for ever. And I just knew. I looked at my husband and shook my head before they even said anything. My worst memory is my husbands face, he was absolutely broken 💔

Hi everyone

Sending big hugs to you all.

I ended up back at the EPU today as couldn’t control the pain with morphine at home. I called yesterday and they told me the pain was normal and then were pretty shocked that I’d had to use some of the morphine I had left over from a knee op. I have a pretty high pain threshold and I’m used to bad pain from endometriosis and adenomyosis and was honestly desperate. Originally they said to go to A&E but I couldn’t face being there in so much pain so got my husband to call back and they said to bring me to the ward. We had to wait a while but I had an abdominal scan which they think is ok but said an internal scan would be better. They’ve given me antibiotics as they think I have an infection. Luckily my consultant who we’ve been seeing since 2017 was there and he said he’s there’s on Monday and will scan me again if I’m no better. I’m still in lots of pain but it’s a bit more manageable this evening.

I too feel under pressure to go back to work as I’ve seen emails from my boss saying ‘for when you’re back on Monday’ and with all this physical pain on top I’m just so exhausted by it all.
With all the pain I haven’t even started to process the emotional aspects of things. I think I will take some of the advice on here and ask for some counselling. I think I need that time that’s just for me when I’m not worrying about how others are going to react or upsetting them or making them feel uncomfortable if you know what I mean.

I really think there are some people who think a miscarriage just happens quickly and is over and done with and you just pick yourself up and get on with things.

I also feel guilty because my husband is exhausted and we seem to end up fighting because we’re both so frazzled. It feels like constant trips to the hospital and when I try to talk about plans for trying again he keeps saying he doesn’t want to be an old dad. He is 45 later this year and he told his dad that this was probably out last chance. As you can imagine that broke me. The problems is as we al know there are no guarantees on when I will fall pregnant again or even if we have treatment that it will work after a certain time.

Sorry for the rambling, I’m feeling really lost!
X

@AMS19 I was on my own because of Covid rules they did a normal scan first and then asked me to do trans-vaginal one, I didn’t think a great deal of it though because I have a tilted uterus I know it’s easier for them to see on trans-vaginal. I thought it was slightly odd they’d not said much before asking me to do that though because at my private scan before they were still able to see heartbeat on the normal scan.

They did say at the start anyway that they would be quiet so they could do their checks, but I had no idea how long the quiet was meant to last. I keep feeling like I’m reliving it some days and I’ve no idea how I’ll cope next time around x

@Badlydrawngirly gosh what an awful day. You were right to go get yourself checked out. In terms of work, screw it. I don't care what your job is NOTHING is more important than you're physical and mental health, so forget about that. There is no need to get caught up in trying again/ what will happen next. Now is not the right time for either of you to make decisions about the next step, it's too raw. With the traumatic experience I had with my surgery getting cancelled twice and then having a MVA with no pain relief, I said to my husband no more trying until after covid. 2 weeks later we were trying. I'm not saying that will be the same for you, but you're both in the heat of it right now and it takes time. Once things have calmed down a bit you'll both be able to think straighter. Sending you lots of love xx

@AMS19
Thank you. You’re absolutely right about work. I’m just taking one day at a time and not putting any pressure on myself. My boss has been really nice but I was a bit annoyed that there was an assumption I’ll be back on Monday!
I think I just want to talk through the tests I think we need to have with my husband so that I feel like I’m not all alone. We were planning on having ivf abroad but Covid delayed that and his first reaction after the miscarriage was not to try ivf now. He was never really that keen on it. I know I’m going to need his support as feeling like I’m doing it on my own will just break us. I know that time isn’t on our side as I’m nearly 42 but I now I need to look back and know I did everything I could or I will always regret not trying everything. I understand that he mean not feel the same and we have been through so many losses but I also know I have to be true to what I want to do.
Apart from coming on here I feel like this is the loneliest experience to go through.
X

@MeganChar1 same. My husband was in the car outside and they let me call him up. Must have been awful for him cause all I could choke out was sobs and "can you come in" so he knew it was awful but had to trek 10mins through a hospital..

The other worst moment was walking back through the EPU, sobbing with all the waiting women just looking at me. Their faces

@Badlydrawngirly so sorry to hear about your loss. I had my first pregnancy and first MC nearly 4 weeks ago and I'm 40. I was told from the age of 16 that I would never conceive so you can imagine the shock when I got a positive pregnancy at the age of 40. We have decided to try again asap as time isn't on our side. I hope you feel better soon xx

@meganchar1 mine was a private scan so hence my husband was there. But he would actually have been allowed to 12 and 20 week scan as my hospital luckily allows partners. I had the same experience, they tried external then asked to do internal. I knew at 9+5 that wasn't a good sign. I remember shaking my head to my husband as I just knew. They couldn't even find the baby, it had just disappeared, despite there being one 3 weeks earlier on a scan with a heartbeat. It was just so little when it died it had got mainly reabsorbed. There was a tiny bit of tissue left but so small to see, mainly just a huge empty sac 💔

@Badlydrawngirly covid has messed up so many plans for people it's heartbreaking. Is ivf cheaper abroad? Or better? I've only had one miscarriage but obviously let my head get away with me and started doing lots of research into it. I've only got 2 years until I'm 35 so if I need it would rather know sooner rather than later! I think most of my anxiety now is the unknown. Will I need help, how many more miscarriages will I have, will I ever fall pregnant again, etc. It's terrifying. If only we had a magic ball!

@Badlydrawngirly sending you a massive hug and you’re not alone even though you may feel like you are. Miscarriage is an incredibly lonely road when people around you don’t understand but we will try and support you as best we can as we all know what it feels like to suffer a loss or even multiple losses.

Work is the first stress that can be sorted out. Get signed off and try to put that to the back of your mind because if your employer has already made their mind up miscarriage is a thing that is done and dusted overnight then they won’t change that stance and will only cause you stress you don’t need, if you have a sick note then they can’t argue it and will hopefully leave you alone. It’s awful in this day and age that employers are so pushy to get us back to work and just don’t understand about miscarriages. I know everyone has had mixed experiences with their work on here, some good and some bad.

It’s natural to argue following a loss because you’re both dealing with the loss and we all do that in different ways. The men seem to find it hard seeing us going through it and can’t help us which can make them feel a bit useless. We are dealing with the physical side and emotional side and they’ve only got the emotional side to contend with which isn’t easy but it’s only half of what we are going through. Again a lot of us have all had ours ups and downs following our losses and it does improve just give it time.
I wanted to talk about trying again and needed to know in my head what the plan was as it was a way of being in control of a situation that was taken out of my control. My husband on the other hand wanted to put the breaks on which sent me into a bit of a spin.

I know you want to know in your head where you’re going with TTC as only natural especially if you’re going to try IVF and age isn’t in your side. Give yourself and your husband time and hopefully a few weeks down the line you’ll both be able to speak more about what’s gone on, how it’s effected you both and where you go from here xxxx

Incredible advice from @DMT1982  I really hope you're ok @Badlydrawngirly you're right it really is such a lovely place and the fear of the unknown is horrible. Take your time. I know it's such a cliche but really, one day at a time.

I'm tying myself up in knots over whether or not to ttc again. I've been over and over every outcome and last night my husband and I had a long chat about it. We have two daughters who are 10 and 6 - I'm aware we're incredibly lucky. I've always wanted a third child so when we finally decided to go for it in October I was thrilled to have fallen first try. But obviously it's been a catalogue of problems, a never-ending miscarriage it seems. I'll be 33 soon and dh is 40. I'm petrified of going through anything like this ever again, I'm petrified of having another subchorionic haematoma which whilst it didn't bleed, my gut tells me that's what ended it all. I'm worried of there being yet another academic year age gap wise (pathetic reason really). But on the flip side I can't help but feel I'm not "done". My husbands helpfully unhelpfully said he's happy with whichever decision I make but tbh I just want someone to make it for me. It's nuts I'm even allowing this to take over my head when there's every chance I'll need a hysteroscopy on Tuesday in which case that'd put out of action for a while anyway.

Sorry total ramble. Just needed to put thoughts down. Insomnia is real.

Lonely place not lovely

@MeganChar1

I know exactly what you mean! I can’t stop thinking about it either - she called someone in for a second opinion and I felt that women was really cold and literally was said with no emotion ‘yes I agree with my colleague, no heart beat’
At this point was already in tears lying there.

I was pretty much sent to a dark lonely room- to keep away from everyone due to my emotion and then was told I had 3 options natural, tablets or surgery. No information provided on any 3 - being my first and being a little naive and to be honest a little uneducated about it all - I had no idea of pros and cons of any of the 3. Totally shocking looking back on it.

I was so upset I didn’t think to ask and just wanted to escape this hospital and retreat home.

I am only 3 weeks after the scan but I get the same fears - I desperately want to be pregnant again but then suddenly I filled with the thoughts what if this happens again- I don’t think I could cope. I think we need to take one day as it comes and ensure we are emotionally ready as well as physically before starting again

I know it’s easier said and doesn’t feel like it now but it’s true that time will heal.

@Badlydrawngirly

Sounds like a real rough day for you - I hope the hospital helped and you are feeling better ?

I 100% agree with other people on this one - you
Cannot rush back to work when you are like this- your employer is obviously being unfair and doesn’t understand what we have to
Go through. Go to Gp and get signed off- you don’t have to stress about work then and one thing you don’t have to think about and you can focus yourself in healingphysically and emotionally

Xxx

@Lalalaleigh oh bless you that sounds awful. Mine didn’t get a second opinion but there were 2 of them on the room anyway and I think the difference in dates of where I should have been to how the baby was measuring it would have been obvious. At least if I wait then hopefully next time I can have my partner with me, so even if the worst does happen it won’t be as horrific as being on my own. For some reason my local hospital has a rule because of Covid that partners can attend 20 week scans but not 12 week ones which makes no sense . I got taken to a quiet room, to be honest they were quite good with me. I got given the options but struggled to take it in, ended up going for surgical in the end because I just wanted it over and done with x

@MeganChar1 oh I know exactly what you mean. I keep playing the words over in my head too, usually when I’m driving or trying to go to sleep - I think it’s when I give my brain time to wander! For both MMCs I just instantly knew from the silence. When it’s all ok they tell you pretty quickly but the searching on the screen in complete silence is never a good sign. I was by myself the first time but the second time I had my husband with me and told him it was over before she said anything. I’m sorry the second sonographer was so cold about it all, i was very fortunate that I had very sweet women. Take each day as it comes and don’t worry about how you’ll feel next time - emotions are such a mad thing you may find you feel less anxious than you think you might xx

@Badlydrawngirly aww I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time and NEVER apologise for venting / rambling - this is a great safe space to just be brutally honest and that’s what we all need. I’m glad you went back to EPU and you’ve got antibiotics. I hope the pain eases over the weekend and you don’t have to have a second scan on Monday - but also reassuring that you have that option. Like everyone else I don’t think you should rush back to work if you don’t feel ready. There’s still a lot of misunderstanding around miscarriages and there’s a definitely an expectation to just “bounce back.” My parents are brilliant and we are so close but they question why I still have off days or am quieter than usual without thinking that I’m still feeling sad about everything. No job is worth jeopardising your well-being, you need to put yourself first and take as much time as you need.
I also think it’s quite natural for couples to argue or have different viewpoints after something like this. My husband doesn’t get my urgency (I’m 37 to be 38 at the end of the summer) and just dismisses me when I say I don’t want to waste time etc. He’s in his early 40s. You just need to keep communication open so both of you know how you feel and we are all here for you to vent. Sending you virtual hugs xx

@MeganChar1 ahh sorry love my phone keeps getting stuck and I just realised it wasn’t you with the rude sonographer! Sorry 🤦‍♀️

@dippyegg32 oh it’s such a head f**k! I want to try again but I also feel a whole heap of emotions about it. Like you I had a hematoma and while they also told me it wouldn’t cause a miscarriage I can’t help but feel that it might have done or at least was a bad omen!? I think it’s one of those situations where you have to take each day (as cliche as it sounds!). See what answers you get first and whether that affects how you feel xx
@Lalalaleigh oh love you had such a horrid experience! It’s awful when you’re treated with a complete lack of compassion when you need it most. Waiting until you’re emotionally ready is definitely the right approach - although I think anxiety will plague us all a bit and that’s completely normal 😘 x

AF finally arrived this morning 5 weeks post op! Yipee!! It’s super super light at the moment so I’m really hoping it steps up a gear. Who would have thought we would all be wishing for a “decent” period!? 😆🤦‍♀️