Missed Miscarriage

[Hol54321]

Hi Ladies,

Just looking for some friends at this devastating time. It's one of those, that will never happen to me moments but sure enough it did. Went along to my 12 week scan and boom, I'm hit with the news that baby has no heartbeat. They also said baby looked smaller than expected so did an internal scan too. They measured baby and said it was approx just over 9 weeks. Can not explain the effects on both myself and my husband. It was our first baby. Gone but never forgotten 💖

Morning all

@Doughnut100 and @Sakura54 sending you positive thoughts and hoping everything goes smoothly and quickly for you today. You can do this

@Workingmama1 Like Ran has said, I also really hope that's the end of that bit for you. Let us know how you go and hope this marks the beginning of your physical recovery.

@Smilingdonkey I know exactly how you feel re. the nights comment. I can only speak from my experience, but things will get better little by little, day by day. Treat yourself gently and give yourself as much time as you need.

@Ranoutofgoodnames I think it's normal to bleed for between a week to two weeks, but the general trend you should be looking for is an overall decrease in the amount over that time. I think it's also normal to have a bit of a delayed start, as I've seen posts where people have had little bleeding immediately after and then a bit of a resurgence as you describe, but the experience seems to differ for everyone. The bottom line is give them a call if you are concerned. For me, I bled from immediately after the op for around ten days, but things were clearly getting less over time. I thought I was down to just a little bit of brown discharge, but I've found if I exert myself (running, walking) that can sometimes make a few more drops come out, so I'm just keeping an eye. Tomorrow will be a fortnight post-op for me. I'm not expecting my period to return until earliest four weeks post-op, and delays up to eight weeks are also within the realms of normal.

@ranputofgoodnames could you perhaps phone the EPU and explain the bleeding to them and they'll be able to guide you on what's normal?

Thanks guys. I've been at the clinic for over an hour. Had my checks, pills and now waiting around in waiting room. The cramps started straightaway and I'm not very good with pain, oh boy. Apparently I only needed to take these pills to soften cervix due to previous CS! Quite a few women here and I think I'm the only one not crying lol. Maybe they are feeling guilty, whereas I'm heartbroken that I've lost my very much wanted child thinking I was 13 weeks, practically pass the 1st trimester. I just want this over so I can move on.

Hope everything goes smoothly for those in hospital today and you’re being well looked after.
I think I’m past the worst now. Have a private scan later which I’m hoping will confirm I lost the sac on Sunday when I had a few hours of bad cramps similar to early labour. Fingers crossed. If not I’ll be ringing the epu tomorrow to request medical management or surgery!
I’ve been quite stoic up to today. I received two bunches of flowers from friends and it just made me crumble. I expect that’s what I needed to happen really. It’s also my step daughters birthday and I’m struggling to pretend I’m ok.
How is everyone else today?

Good morning everyone,

good luck today @Sakura54

I also think I've finished mine yesterday. I had a small blob come out on Saturday and now my bleeding is pretty much gone. I do worry something is left in there because I did not have the excessive bleeding I was told I'd have but I also had all that cramping/contractions on the day it happened so I am thinking mine was different than most.

@Workingmama1hopefully that was it for you too and now just a couple more days left.

@Ranoutofgoodnames I cannot give you advice, but the doctors did tell me to only ring after 3 weeks, so I am guessing try to wait one more week unless something feels odd?

Forgot to mention, I was reading over the weekend a blog from Charlie Barker from Bumps and Burpees, she had 4 miscarriages last week ( talk about being able to get pregnant 4 times in one year!!!) and she decided to see a specialist and finally figured out what had been happening to her body.
I am sure this person is super expensive, but maybe for someone going through the same, it could be helpful.

bumpsandburpees.com/news/2020/1/14/getting-to-12-weeks

@MochaTea I had similar to you it sounds. Worried I didn’t experience enough bleeding but maybe it’s just because I wasn’t far along. A typical experience perhaps.

@Sakura54 good to hear from you and hope things aren't too awful pain-wise; I know you'll be staying strong, and it will all be over soon.

@CAnary0 and @MochaTea I'm so pleased for you; I really wish you a speedy recovery and return to full health.

@Mlou32 do you think you're over the worst as well? Sorry if you already said, this thread is quite big now! Same wishes to you as well if so xx

@CAnary0 not feeling good today.

Would be good to know how others are coping who are out the other side.

Physically Think the uncomfortableness / pain from the surgery is finally starting to go, though still not up for going for a walk yet. Had a terrible headache on forehead and sinuses yesterday that made me feel sick and had to stay in bed most of the day. This has come back today but not as severe, just hoping it stays like this and doesn't get worse. After 3 days of codeine and over 24 hours of no food or drink earlier in the week, my body isn't functioning very well, my husband went out to get max strength constipation tabs yesterday, which are supposed to work overnight, but didn't, so have taken more now, which should work in 8-12 hours, not like I need to be somewhere!

Mentally, I feel unstable I feel very unstable, a friend messaged me this morn to ask how I was and when I messaged back I had typed this -
I feel like I have fallen down and don’t know how / can’t get back up, or particularly care to. Can't do any of the things that would make me feel better cos of corona, and am just stuck at home. And if I want to shut myself away, I can’t do it knowing the world is waiting to welcome me back when I’m ready, because it’s not there.

I started talking to my husband before I sent it, and didn't feel as bad as this after, but I wouldn't say those feelings have gone away forever, and probably be back again at some point.

I just want things to be like they were in feb, when there was everything to look forward to. I'm also sad because want to try for more but can't because I'm not strong enough to go through all of this ordeal again, and also because things were stuck inside, so there's likely something wrong with body and don't have the time for it to be investigated and fixed.

I also just feel like comfort eating to make myself better, but know if I put on weight it will just make me feel worse about myself and more disappointed in myself.

@amyspames I'm so sorry to hear things are bad today.

I will give you some more detail about my experience post-op; I hope this lets you know that you aren't alone in what you are going through.

Physically the first day or so after the op I actually felt great, even though I was bleeding - not enough to get up and run a marathon, but I think I was still on the effects of the anaesthetic. Towards the end of the week though I was feeling so weak, some days I couldn't even manage a walk round the garden. I just tried to listen to my body and do felt right. I also suffered from awful constipation - I felt like it was such a milestone when I had a proper BM! I know you've had further complications/set-backs so be extra gentle with yourself.

I also just ate whatever I wanted in the early days; I took some enjoyment in no longer feeling sick and nauseous and treated myself. Don't be too hard on yourself if you gain a bit of weight as you recover - it's more important to be gentle on your body and do whatever gives you comfort. Where I am now, I've found that incorporating healthier choices and doing some exercise has helped my mental wellbeing, but everyone is different.

Emotionally actually going through the op did give me a lot of relief - my darkest days were the period of waiting after I'd found out and before I could get re-scanned by my EPU. During that time I experienced a similar 'unstability' as you have described. Immediately after I found out I felt very calm and almost relaxed, the worst had happened and I finally knew it was all over. 24-48h after that I felt manic, couldn't bear to be in the house, and was out for 4h walks (my poor husband having to get up at 6am to come out with me!).

Post procedure, I immediately felt great relief, although there was also a huge undercurrent of upset. For me, every day that has passed, I have felt better and better, although I have had slip backs. This morning I was even able to sleep for a bit longer, so I know things are returning to more of an even keel, but naturally everyone's journey is different, will take different paths and varying lengths of time. I would say don't deny yourself expression - if you need to cry or scream do it, lean on those who you are close with and support you.

For me my mantra during this has been 'into each life some rain must fall' - I've tried to count a little blessing each day like the fact that I was able to get pregnant relatively quickly in the first instance, that I feel I'm recovering really well from my procedure, that there is nothing to stop us from trying again as soon as we wish. I find this helpful to think on the positive side and hope for better days ahead.

You will get through this - you just need to find your own way

Sorry, just wanted to add - I know you feel a great deal of concern atm about ability to try again. It's not right for me to comment specifically on your circumstances, but there are so many stories online from ladies who have suffered complications, been older etc etc who have been successful in the end. Personally, I have found reading about other's experiences that mirrored my own very helpful in terms of assisting my emotional recovery, giving me comfort, and helping me make a decision about TTC again.

@tryingtimes20 that's all really helpful thanks.

Just got a telephone appointment with gp for this afternoon to discuss the headaches and other things, so hopefully that will go well.

It's a lot of things for me not trying again, I'll be 39 in June, it's taken 13 months so far, after having to postpone for 6 months due to going to Mexico and there being Zika virus which I wasn't aware of until we were sorting our jabs. they after surgery it was all stuck inside (which is why expectant and medical management wouldn't have worked no matter how long I waited, or how many doses they gave me) so I think there's possibly medical issues like ashermans syndrome, which would take months or years to sort out).

I guess it's just hard to deal with as I can't think let's just try and try again til we get what we want, or accept that door is closed, and get on with living. Under normal circumstances, I'd be booking in a spa day for a few weeks time for a good pamper, and booking up a raft of nice mini breaks and holidays in the sun etc for me, husband and daughter, and because I can't do this, it just makes me want to go down the baby route more. I know it's just a case of tough shit, just need to be glad me and my family aren't in intensive care with corona and focus on that I think.

Think I just want to be able to flick a switch and move on, though know it doesn't work like that.

Sorry to hear some of us are having difficult days, it's tough isn't it?

I'm feeling surprisingly OK today, both mentally and emotionally. I'm really hoping I've completed the miscarriage but not sure, bleedong is lighter today and only a slight backache and tiredness. I'm not sure if I'm feeling OK mentally because I genuinely am or if I've just not properly processed everything and it's going to hit me. I need to decide whether to go back to work (from home) tomorrow or take the rest of the week. Thing is if I'm not working I need to watch my daughter who is a hyperactive toddler so my husband can work, so it's not exactly resting! He's had yesterday and today off work to let me do my thing but has to work tomorrow...

Also hoping those of you in hospital/clinics today are doing ok, fingers crossed everything goes well for you x

@cAnary0 I got flowers which made me cry too ... As soon as anyone is nice to me I crumble 😩

@amyspames I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. I know you have said you might have complications but - although it's easier said than done - try not to be too despondent until you have it all checked out. These are such early days both emotioally and physically. I also had to have surgery because it wouldn't come out despite heavy bleeding and they said there is no reason to assume there is a problem. Be kind to yourself. I wish we could all meet for a cuppa in a cafe 😊 xxxxx

Thanks.
Yes, meeting in a cafe would probably make us all feel much better, think it is harder because we can only speak to people over the phone or talk to people via type. I generally don't want to face people, but know it would do the world of good to see some of my support network face to face.

Just has a phone call with docs, and they have prescribed something for headaches and other functions, so when those kick in, should feel better physically. They said counselling would probably be available (not sure if they mean phone or face to face) in a few weeks time.

@Workingmama1 must be really hard for you with such a little one at home. I remember being on hols for a fortnight abroad when mine was 18 months, and there is literally no downtime! Nowadays, the iPad works just great, but have tried not to use it too much during lockdown, at the moment, I am not caring so much, my daughter is loving it! 

@Smilingdonkey thanks. I'm not sure what they can do to check things out at the moment, if anything, but can certainly ask.

Thanks for suggestions re bleeding! Am going to give it a full two weeks from the surgery (so this Saturday) and if I am still bleeding then I will call the doctor. Other than the bleeding the recovery has been easy-ish for me. If I do exercise I need to do something very gentle as I think it makes the bleeding worse.

Someone said earlier (sorry I missed a lot and have tried to catch up) that they want to go and hide away and then come back to their old life but because of corona the old life is not there at the moment to come back to - this really neatly summed up something I had been trying to put my finger on.

I worked a half day this morning - it was fine. I am being very open with colleagues about what happened. I think one of the things I have noticed the most is the way that so much of miscarriage is shrouded in secrecy. I want people to know so that they know it happens and is normal and isn’t something I need to hide from everyone. I completely understand why some people want to keep their pain and grief private but I feel a bit differently.

I am now back in bed - it honestly feels like the nicest place to be at the moment. I am also feeling really angry - so angry and I have no one to be angry at. I have been a bit mean to my husband and he is ok and understanding but I don’t usually take stuff out on him if you know what I mean. But I can’t do anything or go anywhere and I am so angry. It’s a process I guess. But you know. RAGE.

@Ranoutofgoodnames it is good that you can identify your rage and recognise that it's not really at anyone but there is always the way it creeps out at people even if one has the best of intentions! You have a right to your rage. Allow yourself to feel it. And yes I know it well. RAGE. You are not alone.

I am back on the sofa after surgery already. I might try to stop looking at mumsnet so much now I think. I was so incredibly touched by the compassion of everyone at the hospital. I feel so lucky to receive such care and I'm in awe of our NHS. If the tories keep trying to privatise it via the back door I will be first in line screaming with my placard and box of eggs. To be looked after for free when they are already under such pressure and at such a sad time for me, words can't express my gratitude. If any ladies in London are wondering which hospital to self refer to I recommend the Whittington so highly, I've had 2 x mmc, 2 x ERPC, 1 x ectopic, hypothyroidism, and they have shown constantly high standards of care and compassion. (I've also been to Whipps Cross in London where I felt utterly abused and dehumanised, avoid that place.)

But now comes the real low point for me because it's really all over and there is nothing more to organise or worry about. Just low.

Lots of love and support to you all, I hope you are all cared for x

@Doughnut100 I hope your surgery went ok, and you are not in too much pain. My body (surgery area at least) is feeling much better today, until I thought I'd do some housework - kitchen floor needed a quick go over with the steam mop where husband did it earlier. He's gone back out for the second time this afternoon to sort a prescription out for me, and it needed it done before he cooks us tea. Didn't actually exert myself much, but needed a sit down afterwards!

I do feel a bit sorry for the men, like @Ranoutofgoodnames said, it's hard for them. When we in the hospital on second round of medical management, and he was telling me he knew it hurt, I swore a lot at him and told him he had no fucking idea, and he's just had to be the dogsbody in the house doing everything since fri night, if he didn't bother feeding me, I know I wouldn't bother. He's doing a sterling job though.

I'm not sure when I'll ever be ready to go back to work! I think like you @Ranoutofgoodnames I will try and be open about it too. I knew nothing about miscarriage before, only heard of a few people that had one but but knew nothing about the process and had never really thought about it. Even after I had found out there was no baby, I remember feeling confused when she first said, and now the difficult part is coming - I thought I've done the hard part, finding out the baby is dead, but hadn't even thought that what is in, must come out because it hasn't up until that point. Very stupid of me really, and prob seems ridiculous to those who have sadly been through it more than once.

@amyspames please don't call yourself stupid, be kind to yourself the way I know you would be kind to us. When you are in this situation nothing is obvious. After having had an ERPC the first time so I knew what needed to be removed, this time I thought I'd do it naturally and believed the male doctor who likened it to a heavy period - at 12 weeks 🤦‍♀️. In hindsight I felt silly for believing him when I was doubled up in pain and worrying about passing a whole fucking placenta, but we are not the medical experts here and it is downplayed in so much literature. Sorry this has been complicated for you. I really hope you feel better soon x

@Doughnut100 I hope you feel better and take good care of yourself - I am going to hang around here as long as people will have me I think as I am still trying to understand what happened and why and processing it all - I can imagine that if you have had to endure as much as you then there is also a peacefulness in switching off xx

@amyspames I had no idea either. It’s been a steep learning curve. I don’t want to be someone who goes around scaring all newly pregnant women but at the same time I feel there should be a bit more available on this - all the baby books skim over it in a couple of paragraphs. I get why but still. You know? However I think if we try again I am going to have to somehow come to terms with a hypothetical risk now feeling like an almost certainty and my need to throw myself into a new pregnancy and enjoy it. God knows how I will do that. I am stuck in limbo at the moment as not going to think about trying again until we have the test results so this gives me plenty of time to overthink everything 🙄

@Doughnut100 glad that you're out of the hospital, and everything went well. I know you're feeling low at the minute, but once you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up. Rest and take care of yourself xx

@doughnut0 so glad you are out and it went ok. I know exactly how you are feeling. I wanted it all over and then I was so sad when it was because it meant it really was 'all over.' I felt empty. A week later I still do but not as much. I'm slowing getting back to myself I think. xxxxxx

Women complain about being pregnant during a pandemic...try having a MMC during a pandemic instead. Just sorting this out and all the waiting around/uncertainty has been a mindfuck. This whole thing is a nightmare, but I hope we will all wake up and get stronger!

I know that most of what I’ve written on this thread has been so negative and aggressive, because I’m so angry and broken like you all, but my emotions seem to be in check. The first few days I cried, then I was scared and anxious, but now my body is clean, I can accept it and heal.

As for my experience of SM itself? I have no idea....I don’t even remember it wahey! I'm so pleased. The horrendous part was the long car ride home where I was puking and crying, not to mention the drowsiness, cramping and bleeding. My poor DH who had been jamming for hours in the car just wanted to get me home ASAP so I could sleep!

To make it clear, I don’t want my mostly positive experience to give anyone false hope. Its not a guarantee that BPAS will treat you or that sedation means you will forget or that it will even be offered, but give it a try.

@tryingtimes20 I just wanted to say, you are so lovely and helpful. If it wasn’t for you, I would have gone to that appointment on Friday and reluctantly taken that pill. I’m certain that I would have been in serious pain for however long it was going to take. I get bad period pains as it is and the two times I got cramps recently were excruciating until I took Paracetamol. Also the fact that as soon as I took the dissolvable pills before SM, my cramps were immediate! I’m probs going to be in pain for the next two weeks but atleast I know the end is near.