Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

Just back from meeting. I noticed a colleague clocking my swollen belly in the meeting and at the end she dsaid "can I be very un-pc?" and everyone turned to look...I just said "Um no please don't or I'll cry" - (which I was already to be fair) and ran out - ugh and I thought I was doing so well .
I think these cramps and swollen belly are sent to send me mad - need to go on to a big mountain and howl out loud about how unfair life is!
nh101 sounds like your work place is VERY interesting - you go girl!

I definitely think its mad hormones we are all suffering from. But its quite liberating to give into them for a while. As long as it will die down at some point soon (please say it will or I think I will find myself unexpectedly single!) I am still finding myself to be ridiculously sensitive. I have a couple of friends, that rang once when it happened and I have not heard from since. Now I feel some how let down by them as they are supposedly really close friends. But other people have been fantastic, so its daft for me to get so fixed on these people. Popsy76 - was really surprised to read what you said about your medical records. Having time off after a bereavement seems entirely reasonable- and 3 weeks off after losing your father seems hardly any time at all. Its such a shock to think that info was passed on to the mid-wife. The idea of pre-emptive counselling sounds sensible though. Our HR dept also reminded me of the free counselling that comes with work, but like you, I always think of that as an insurance card and life generally does feel so much more manageable now. (not sure if I will be saying that when period arrives though, but its not due for a while)
n101- really hope work does sort itself out- glad to hear you are the union rep. I was/am having work hassles too- its a particular blow isn't it that the prospect of a few months reprise through maternity has just faded into the background.
Popsy76- my weight has been going up and down a lot too- ridiculously bloated stomach at some points, then totally flat at others. But its probably the stress of everything with me that's causing it.

Went to see therapist yesterday just to chat over how was feeling - ended up crying (again!) and now she reckons I need to get signed off for a couple of weeks to have a break before I turn into a mentalist. Not sure about it though - I thought I was coping OK at work if not in life generally. Need to think about it. Trouble is (and please don't htink I am some kind of basket case) I had a 'depressive episode' last year after my marriage broke up and I ended up taking 5 months off work and I am so worried about ending up in the same boat. Therapist thinks is better to take a bit of a break before I end up down there but I am worried about everyone thinking I am completely bonkers. Spoke to one of the seniors who I trust not to blab and she said if I needed the time to take it but to get the doc to put something other than stress or whatever on my sick note so I don't get any hassle from the boss (who is a complete arse).
Don't really know what to do. Am finding it hard to cope at times and don't want to turn into a mentalist again so I can see her point about taking a break so don't get there but I am worried all the same cos I feel like such a weakling. Loads of people have worse things happen, so why can't I just cope with stuff?
Any advice ladies? Other than that I go straight to a loony-bin?

Hi EllieG, I've just popped over from the ttc after mc thread and felt so sorry for you.

Please don't put anymore pressure on yourself by blaming yourself for being weak. Lots of people feel wobbly after what you've been through, you would have to be a superhuman not to. It just shows you are a normal, caring and sensitive person. I definitely think you should take some time off. I took quite a while off after my mc. I initially felt guilty but then came to realise I needed time to get stronger and to have my bad days at home rather than under the glare of colleagues and bosses. Resting up, doing nice things, going for walks in the sun helped me regain a bit of strength and the mad/loony days seem further apart. Your senior has a good idea and hopefully your GP will be sympathetic- your sicknote could just say problems following mc (assuming they know about mc) or something vague. If your boss is male, I find most men don't like to probe into 'women's health problems'. Best of luck.

Morning torres was very confused when saw you here - hooray Iget to talk to you twice!
hey EllieG I took 4 weeks off in total and am much better for it! Don't wait for the big bang to happen - we allstress ourselves out so much over being a good worker/wife/friend/womb but to be fair none of it is important enough to make you feel this rubbish! Doesn't really matter what the doc says on the form as long as you feel better (although I think your colleague is stressing you out more by making it some kind of dirty secret) - is nothing to be ashamed of- infact is very good to know when you need a break and this is a physicalplus mental situation so even more hard to get over
SENDING BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SORRY seem to have misplaced the space key...

p.p.s. boobs defo deflating today - maybe i am getting back to "normal" at last

morning popsy, am working from home today so have plenty of time to read lots of posts! you sound upbeat today. May your boobs re inflate soon!! (and mine)

Thanks both of you - feel much better knowing that you guys don't think am being completely pathetic. Spoke to DP about it last night and I think he was a bit shocked cos he thought I was coping brilliantly, I think he finds it easier than me so was a bit suprised, but very supportive. Think I will take the time off. Am going to GP fri - good idea about getting them to put problems after MC - like that one will try it. Trouble is my job's very full on, and all about children and am finding dealing with people who aren't looking after theirs terrifically well a bit of a drain at the moment. Plus, my boss in her wisdom has just given me a pre-birth assessment to do and it just makes me want to hide under my desk.
Thanks for support and hugs they are muchly appreciated. Good ol' MN eh?

just in work hiding in library avoiding students and very PG colleague. Think may bump (ha ha) into her in drinks reception in a mo oh gawd....
lad you are taking time off Ellie - well done that woman!
ooh a day at home Torres - fabulous! I am in town (boo) and over stressed with work already - the common denominator in this situation is me - I seem to not be able to not stress and take everything personally arghhh
p.s. doesn't help when students crying cos didn't get grades they wanted - am imagining some comedy moment where i shout I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT YOUNG LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRY HAVING YOUR WOMB HOOVERED OUT WHEN YOU STILL FEEL PREGNANT! HA HA - okay maybe a bit of an over reaction on my part
off to drink free vino infront of PG colleague

EllieG you are in no way pathetic at all. I think other people often see a brave face and assume you are back to normal, but things will never be normal, they'll always be different. I think its hard for Dhs/DPs as they are desparate to see us happy again and they don't have all the hormones flooding around like we do to make us so up and down. Your job sounds emotionally tough too, I really hope the rest helps you cope with it a bit better.I would be a mess if I had to do that so don't be too tough on yourself.

popsy you have given me the giggles! I think black comedy is the only way to get through these sort of situations. Can you imagine their reaction if you had shouted that!! I think it would be quite liberating, though you might have been escorted home. Have visions of you standing on the bar with a bottle of wine in your hand doing high leg kicks in front of your colleague

Morning torres ha ha I have just been chuckling at your last message! Shame it ended with me running out in tears - damn I was supposed to be so cool calm and collected . Is so sunny today am going to be ultra positive. Have to go mark essay for a student in New Zealand grrrrr. Will post more in a bit. Have a great day
p.s. EllieG hope you are feeling better?

I would love to be a fly on the wall if you actually said that popsy! I had a client yesterday moaning on and on at me about how rubbish I am as a social worker because I didn't have any children so I couldn't possibly understand. Almost yelled at her, 'WELL EVEN WITHOUT KIDS I'M BETTER AT IT THAN YOU LOVE COS YOUR NICKNAME FOR YOUR CHILD IS SHITHEAD!' But I thought it might not be very professional.
Thanks torres - I think you are right about DP just being really desparate to see me happy, bless him. I think I need to cut him some slack at times poor old thing.
Did you enjoy the wine in front of PG colleague Popsy?

Yeah am thanks Popsy - just one more day til go to GP and have nice easy day today. Don't worry about being too calm and collected - have realised that it's not always the most beneficial thing to put on a brave face all the time. No harm in letting people see you're human and can't always cope with hurt/difficult situations.

Ha ha love the story - glad other people have stuff going on in their head too...although rather worrying about your colleague
actually saw a couple on the street with 3 kids - husband was ahead with baby and mum was screaming at two 3 year olds to GET ACCROSS THE ROAD OR YOU'LL GET KILLED. the dad turn round and shouted LET THEM GET KILLED IT'LL SERVE THEM RIGHT!
I nearly died on the spot!

Hi girls can I join your thread? your messages have kept me going the last couple of days.

I lost my pregnancy on Easter monday - at 6 weeks. I had only known for a week and it was one of the happiest weeks of my life. My last pregnancy (ds is now 15 months) was stressful but I was so, so sure this one would go without a hitch.

I am at the stage it sounds like a lot of you are at; I feel sad, angry, bitter and oh so pissed off with people who say stupid insensitive things!!

I'm so sorry to hear all your stories, this really is a devastating thing to happen. It just hits you in the face again and again. You forget for a minute and then you remember and WHAM.

I am under investigation for an ectopic and God forbid it comes to that.. which means repeated scans, so every time I go for one I have this tiny hope there will be something there. I think I'm a bit in denial.

It's lovely to hear from other people who are going through similar, and you guys sound so strong and positive.

Is anyone else arguing with their DP a lot? I am angry at everyone and everything, and even him although he's done nothing wrong.

Popsy76 just read what you were saying about Craster, one of my favourite places. So beautiful. I bet you found it soothing there. Many happy memories of walking across the fields to the castle listening to the sea. Do you live up that way? I was brought up nearby but now we're on the south coast, a long way from my spiritual home! (But sunny )

Me again, perhaps I should have read more before I posted

Anyway Popsy and EllieG I have that mum too. She is LOVING this..I haven't spoken to her since it happened (I got my brother to tell her as I couldn't have coped with all the anecdotes and comparisons with previous family miscarriages, words of wisdom, general interference etc). She has surpassed herself in terrible faux pas and smart arse medical advice,all on text!

PMSL popsy!

How did it go at the GPs today Ellie - I really hope you are feeling better soon.

My work situation has been stressful today, they are trying to put the pressure on now cos they know they f*cked up when they didn't give me chance to apply for this job. Management even lied to me today, saying my boss in the other office had said how happy she was that this other person had got the job. I asked her if she did, she said no way, I challenged management on it and they had to admit she hadn't said it.

But they will not intimidate me! (Although I felt very imtimidated this morning!)

Period still hasn't come, I was sure it would by today cos I was sure I was ovulating two weeks ago (felt dead horny and got spotty). It has been four weeks now since MC but my periods have never been four-weekly so I don't know why I expected them to be now! I just want to be able to recognise the ovulation signs so that I know when to get jiggy once we are trying again!

Course you can join the thread barrelrider, the more the merrier, so to speak.
Am so sorry for your loss hon - one of the biggest things this thread has given me is the knowledge that my feelings are completely natural and normal, and so are yours. Don't let anyone tell you that a)becuase it was an early miscarriage you should feel OK and/or b) because you only knew for a week you should not be that sad. You have the right to feel anything you bloody like, (sorry to sound belligerant but am fed up with silly comments from well-meaning people). You are grieving a whole future which you now won't have and all the stages of feeling you are going through are entirely natural and normal for someone experiencing loss.
Don't beat up yourself for being angry at your partner - I am a cow to mine lots at moment and seem to spend half my life calming down and eating humble pie. Just make sure as well as bitching and apologising, you sit him down and tell him about your feelings and how angry and sad you feel. Sorry to bang on, it's just that really helped me and my DP in dealing with this. He knew to cut me some slack and I tried to talk about feelings rather than just being horrible all the time!
Be kind to yourself right now Ok chick? Sending lots of hugs xxxx

nh101 - don't let the bastards get you down! You are doing brilliantly standing up to your stupid management am very impressed with your general ballsiness.

popsy - v funny about couple - told my colleagues and they were in stiches.

Morning Girls - welcome barrelrider - love the name - very ballsy IYKWIM? Mums are amazing aren't they - I asked my mum whether she had told my aunty and she said "I had to because she asked how you were" (oh so that means if the postman asks how I am you'll tell him too?) ha ha - have to laugh or will cry (and doing enough of that already). Grey day today but happy cos went for a walk last night, met friends at pub by accident and DH and I ended up having our usual "friday night" last night with a couple of steaks, bottle of rioja and chocolates at home with long chats. All was going fine til I got too "relaxed" and said that this experience had taught me that I really wated more than one child - lets just say there was a bit of a frosty reception to that one (oops)
Have a good day ladies - mine is sure to pass in a slightly hungover blur
xxxxx

You're not the only one. Lovely evening yesterday so had BBQ and hence much wine. Was great at time but not so good getting up this morning....
popsy - your Mum really IS my Mum! Are you sure we're not related. My Mum told her boss because she 'felt she had a need to talk' and he asked how I was. Gotta laugh eh?

ha ha funny thing is - it does make me laugh

• spesh when someone elses mum is as bad as mine!

p.s. email back from PG friend very lovely - still jealous as hell but feel better knowing she is aware of how shit i feel

Home alone. DH out getting w*nkered with friends. Watching Jonathon Ross - Patsy Kensit has just straddled him (her face does not move when she talks and she takes herself v.seriously?)!

So bored have looked up accronyms so nh(obi)101 I now know what PMSL and will be using it frequently (along with SMSL) tee hee!

Anyone had Af yet? I'm still waiting and obsessing over everyone of my bodily functions.

Hope you are all having wild Friday nights - have a few drinks for me!