Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

PND I think you have said before your MIL is a bit crackers so I would just write that one off!

Glad to hear you're getting back on your feet. I feel so guilty for saying this but it is three weeks since my MC now and I feel as if I was never PG at all. In fact, sometimes (like at BBQ on Sunday when I was having a good drink) I am glad I'm not PG. I am sure it is just a coping strategy but it is definitely working.

I think the fact that everyone in my life knows what happened has helped me so much. And my faith has helped too - everyone at church has been praying for me and I know that has helped. I can't understand why people like to keep it secret - it is not shameful but then I suppose if it is upsetting you you're not going to want people to keep mentioning it. But then I think bottling it up and letting people just carry on as normal must be more upsetting.

I am so hoping that the next PG doesn't stress me out like the last one. I am going to have a totally different attitude (well, try to) this time. I worried far too much and after MC you realise that no amount of worrying is going to make any difference!

Popsy, just go with the flow, don't wish to be PG, don't wish to be not PG, just get shagging and let nature take its course! When it is the right time for you, it will happen. I also wanted to be PG again before my due date but now I am just not bothered. Even if I am PG again it will still be upsetting so why stress about it? What will be will be.

And when you do get your baby, you'll think 'if it had not been for my MC I wouldn't have this baby now' and you'll think 'things do always work out for the best!'

Wow thanks for the fab message - you are very wise obi (nh10)1!
I think you are right - I am just a week or so behind you! I am starting to enjoy not feeling rough and also talking about other things. Just went for lunch with work friend. She talked shop the entire time but am not so bothered - am determined to stay zen about work stresses!

LOL! I want to change my name to obi(nh10)1 now, that would be cool - no one else would get it though!

Keep smiling....

There is none but us left on this thread now so would not matter - do you think we scared them away
Not only do we have to cope with MC but also that are last ones on the thread - maybe is that they are all better and we are still here moaning on ha ha
Going to finish last 2 chocs then go out and pound the pavement to make up for calorie gorge (after checking pond - tadpoles have just come out - thought they were all dead but are just resting phew - don't think could cope with anymore death in the family )

Sorry girls not the only ones on thread. I am still here. Feeling down this week, rang hospital and they said could be another four weeks for results.I am really sick of waiting and the longer it takes the more i convince myself that is not what it is. Which is not a good thing because will be even worse for me if it is [does that make sense] Been to hospital today because hurt my wrist at weekend trying to move my bed to hoover and it is sprained. Well and truly fed up

oh god poor you - a good excuse to give up the house work though eh? Hospitals are shite! I really think NHS is rubbish (not blaming staff) but have heard nothing but bad stuff from friends and family and I hated my erpc treatment (or lack of). Maybe you should just start harrassing them - call every hour on the hour til they sort you out - you may get sectionned but at least you'd be doing something

Just had email from my PG friend - wish I had not spilled beans so much as have forced her to say things I did not want to hear ughhh why do i do this to myself.

just organising my friends hen do for July - has really cheered me up as will be able to enjoy it!

Must say, it's been three weeks since mine too, and while it seems an age ago, it's as if it's only now sinking in. I feel v depressed, especially in the mornings, and can't concentrate on anything at all. I suppose I'm grieving not just for this lost baby, but for the previous three, and the fact that I may never have a baby at all. It's a bit much at times...

I've got to go to the Christening of my sister's two boys in early May, but not sure how I'll cope with a vicar blathering on about the blessing of children, etc. She's said I can stay away if I want, but don't want to look feeble.

Hope you don't mind me butting into the conversation. I read all your messages yesterday and they really helped me. I had a miscarriage a week and a half ago. We were both devastated at the time, but are slowly trying to look forwards again. It was so reassuring to read that all the irrational feelings etc that I have had over the past week or so are being felt all over the country and that they are normal. I wondered if you wouldn't mind me asking you guys a couple of questions.
My manager at work told only the three people who needed to know and told them it was strictly confidential. Consequently most people don't know and I have had absolutely no well meaning messages etc from work. I am dreading going back in properly on Monday (currently working from home) and feel like I want some people to know, but now I feel like it is something I should keep secret. I just don't know what the form is with this kind of thing. Any thoughts?
Secondly am wondering now about sex etc. The doctor said we could resume it whenever we wanted and didn't need to use protection if we don't want to. I don't want to actively try this month again, but similarly it would feel weird to actively try not to, if that makes sense. Would value any words of wisdom on this one too.
Really hope you don't mind me asking these questions. And thanks for the inadvertent support you have been giving me. I didn't realise there were other people hurting like me out there, but also trying to start moving forwards too.

I feel so sad for you, Herbaceus. Please keep the faith. Children are a blessing but it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong if you are not blessed. I think you should go to the christening - you are definitely strong enough.

Enjoy your nephews and enjoy the fact that you are having a nice drink and a relax and not running around after screaming kids! You know that there is still hope for you cos your doc says there was something he didn't do last time that he could have done.

Of course you are grieving for all your babies. I can understand that it is so much worse for you. But please keep talking and we will do all we can to support you.

Is it worth chatting to your GP if you feel down or do you think it will pass? He might be able to sort out some counselling or something. I've had it before and it was good.

I am praying for you. x

Hi victoriagirl - welcome!! I told alot of people at work after the event (some before as I had to cancel a work trip). I felt i wanted people to know to handle me gently for a while. The amazing thing is that my boss came back saying she had a missed MC too ages ago and another couple of colleagues had same thing.In fact everyone at least knows someone close to them who has been thru it - people are really nice and caring!
I almost feel that it is such a part of who i am at the mo that would be strange not to tell people (but then i am a blabber mouth anyway )

I have had the same probs with apres MC sex. I'd like to just carry on as normal and see what happens but DH wants to wait at least til after next period. We have made a half way agreement which means grabbing a condom at the appropriate time (sorry if TMI) ha ha feel like a teenager again. I hate using a condom as feels so opposite to what I want which is a baby. However, is good getting back on the wagon (or is that horse?) so to speak so I say go for it and enjoy it while you can as will be back to mechanical procreational shagging before you know it .

Also - herbaceous - my friend had MCs constanlty for 2 years then had a healthy baby (she went on hormone treatment for the last one even though her hormone levels were supposedly fine. She says she doesn't know if she needed them after all but will be back on them again next time anyway! She did say they made her feel rancid though as was stuffed full of hormones already IYKWIM?

Hi Victoriagirl - welcome! Of course you can come and join us.

I would tell everyone what has happened, but it is a personal choice. It is nothing to be ashamed of and you will be so surprised at how many women tell you they have had MCs too. And then gone on to have lots of kids of course! I certainly found it very helpful that everyone knew what had happened. Everyone will just carry on as normal otherwise and that might make you feel terrible.

Re sex, me and DH are using condoms for the time being and it is wierd but also a bit fun, like it was when we first met. We started having sex again after the bleeding from my D&C stopped (about nine days after the op) and there was a bit of blood at first but since then it has been fine (great actually!). We have actually decided to wait till June to try again and I think I owe it to my body to give it a bit of a break. You'll know when the right time is.

It sounds like you have the right attitude anyway, so let us know how you get on. Every day is a day closer to getting PG again!

Thanks for that. That does help. With regards to telling people. I do want to tell people. I feel so sad and raw about it (as well as still somewhat shocked and traumatised) that I just feel it will be easier for me if people know. But because my boss has made it into such a big secret, it has made me feel like perhaps that is what I am supposed to do too and not tell people. I don't want to make too much of a fuss. Outside of work too, the people who have been the most help are the people who have been through similar experiences, even if it was 30 years ago (and our closest family and friend). Several other people have been pretty inept really in their support and I know its because they don't know what to do or say rather than because they don't care. But I would rather they said or did something and risked getting it wrong than nothing. I think my hormones are still making me very irrational!! One friend went on and on and on about how she was convinced she was pregnant this month (first month of trying) -she wasn't- after I had just told her my news. I would have felt awful if she had got pregnant the same time I became unpregnant. And someone else who went on about their niece losing their baby at full-term- which is obviously much much worse and made me feel awful for being so upset about our loss of something that was never going to be.
With regards to the sex thing. I guess I am worried about infection or somehow getting pregnant again and then miscarrying again because maybe things hadn't healed properly. (We lost the baby at 10 and a half weeks- only it hadn't grown to be anything near 10 and a half weeks- it was never going to be anything, even though it was our baby to us. Fortunately, the last scan showed that things have come away 'cleanly'). It seems that there is a slight risk of infection if you are still bleeding, but so hard to know what that means- actively bleeding or does that include any blood type products? I guess I just wish there was more clear guidance as I feel so out of my depth on this one. Its not that I am obsessed with sex! Its just that we have never gone this long without it and we have been so close throughout this whole experience that it feels weird and incomplete not to be doing it- even though I am so nervous about it- not entirely sure why- I suppose its just caught up with everything that has happened that I feel so emotional.
Anyway, I am glad that despite your nerves etc it seems that you have sorted out what is right for you with both issues, and I suppose it is all part of the process of making sense of everything.

Victoriagirl, everything you have described is so normal. Losing a baby at 10 weeks (or five or six) is devastating, it doesn't matter whether it is more or less devastating than at 39 weeks cos it is not a competition. Some people get over MC easily, some don't. You must grieve the way you want to and for as long as you want to. Your friend was being very insensitive talking about maybe being PG.

Your boss probably just assumes you want it to be secret cos that is what people think, which is why it is so normal for people to wait until 12 weeks to tell people they are PG. I have never understood that and understand it even less now I have had a MC. Because when I had my MC I wanted people to know so why not give them the good news first!

Just tell people very calmly at work about the MC, they are bound to ask why you have been off. Just say, "I was pregnant but had a miscarriage" in a very matter of fact way. That is not making a big deal of it - I can understand why you are concerned about that tho.

Maybe the Miscarriage Association might be able to help with advice re sex again. Ring between 9 and 4 weekdays on 01924 200799.

I felt the same as you, that I really wanted to have sex again to feel close to DH. Your hormones will be all over the place so give yourself time. Take it a day at a time.

Thanks for that nh101. I think I will tell people at work. I did practise it once today to someone over the phone. If I keep practising over the weekend I should be able to say it without sobbing by Monday!
I am glad from reading your messages that you are feeling more positive about things now and I am sure I will be in a simialr position in a week or two's time. I do feel so much better this week than last.
I really hope it works out for everyone on the thread- you all sound so lovely and deserving of things getting so much better!

Hi victoriagirl - everything you say sounds familiar to me as I have felt the same at some point over the last 4 weeks. I haven't cried for ages (a few days ) but told my step mum on the phone yesterday and cried on her then went for a long walk and cried again. I woke up feeling really down as we had sex again (is better than ever - may be my hormones?) with a condom last night and I just woke up feeling it was a waste however at the same time know it was the right thing to do. As you say it is such a strong glue between you and your partner - the thing is that the minute you decide to go for reproductive sex things change as the motivations have changed (for the woman more than the man i think).
I just had a long chat with my sis on the phone this morning and cried my eyes out and now feel alot better. I could tell her everything as she isn't as emotionally involved. Feel much better now. Is weird - spend most of time keeping everything kind of wrapped up inside then need a big blow out but don't want to stress Dh anymore (and want him to think am more sane than have been for a while .
I think work is looming Monday and reminding me that life is going back to normal but without a PG or baby. Don't you find it strange saying "when I was pregnant" sounds so odd as most people who say that phrase have a baby to show for it...hmmmm
Anyway have decided to write everything down today - in a story right from the scan 4 weeks ago. I think more people need to share the experience - not just when you tell them yu have MC and they say they have too. I'm going to look back over the thread to remind me how I have been feeling. Watch out for my article in Marie Clare .

Ellie-G you could have been me this time last year. My SIL and I were both PG with 2nd child (both much wanted and planed) then I M/C I could'nt even speak to my SIL and if my MIL talked about her PG I had to walk away.

I cannot tell you how to get over your feelings because it's such a personal thing for everyone.

M/C are so much more common than we think - keep trying it will happen!

But I fell PG within 3 months and now have a bonny baby boy too!

hugs

hi ladies. Had really bad day yesturday, friend brought new baby in and i took one look at it and burst into tears, feel awful. I thought i was getting better but i have felt really shit this week. Ithink it is the thought of waiting another four weeks for results, i just can't move on until i get those. Got no money so can't go out on saturday which makes me really fed up because its the one night i get a few hours guarunteed fun. Help cheer me up please dont like being miserable

Hello Girls
Reading your messages just helps me so much. I sit here and feel like I am going quietly mad, whilst portraying a perfectly normal exterior- and then I am reminded all over again that it is the same for you all too!
Lovelylou- so sorry you had a bad day yesterday. It must be so hard still not really knowing what is going on. My days are still so up and down that I can feel okay for a while and then suddenly not okay, but then quite suddenly okay again- but that's probably because I am not really facing the world properly yet. It is totally understandable that someone else's baby would make you upset. I am trying to avoid all pregnant women and babies at the moment (I realise that's not very healthy - and in some cases impossible- but its self protection at the moment!). I am having the dilemma of trying to decide whether we should go on the holiday we had planned with my closest friend and her husband (cottage all booked for a couple of week's time)- but they have a 2 month old baby. The friend has been absolutely fantastic throughout this, but I feel like I might be a bit of glutton for punishment to go away with them. Also, feel so sad about the whole thing as we had been so looking forward to going- with her and new baby and me with bump. With regards to cheering yourself up cheaply- having read through your messages, it sounds like you've got some great girl friends- could you go round to one of theirs for the evening? The things that I have also found helpful have been trying to do positive things in the house and garden so that we are looking forward and not back (not easy though!) and we have been trying to remind ourselves of all the things we have got, instead of constantly thinking of the one thing we have lost (again not easy!). We also planted a little tree in the garden, which felt really nice.
popsy76- yes you should write everything down- there is so little out there. And everyone says its supposed to be a positive thing to do. Eve magazine had a one page article last month, which was okay, but still a bit flippant (and when I read it I was still pregnant, so didn't pay much attention). Yes it is weird now saying 'when I was pregnant'- I really feel like I made the whole thing up. I did find a nice little web-site that had a list of all the things people have quoted that have helped and not helped other people going through miscarriages- that would have been far more useful in the hospital than the nothing we got given during our first visit. We just had no idea what to expect. Makes me cross.
Work is looming for me too. Am fine working from home, but dreading facing people. But I am sure the thought is worse than the reality. I feel so exposed and raw about it all, but generally people are so caught up in their lives that they probably won't even notice and once I have sat down at my desk it will feel okay. Had a really good moan to one of my colleagues yesterday and we have arranged to go out for lunch on Monday, which makes the whole thing feel much more manageable.

Hey all I'm so glad to be back! I've missed you!
Welcome victoriagirl and thank you lowfatmilkshake for nice hopeful messages.

Victoriagirl - so sorry to hear about your MC. Have read your posts and I feel for you hon, going back to work is really difficult, especially if no one knows and you are feeling anxious about facing them. 'Exposed and raw' is exactly how you are bound to be feeling at the moment, it's been hardly any time at all and you've been through a lot, physically and emotionally. So go easy on yourself and don't expect too much.
For what it's worth, (and it's just my experience) I found it easiest asking my boss to tell the others before I got back. I couldn't face talking about it and didn't want to have to keep going through it, so I made that clear to her, and by the time I had got back, all I got were lots of hugs but no chat that I didn't want or wasn't prepared for. Don't worry about crying. I didn't at work at all cos I thought it would make me look weak but on the day my period came I howled at my boss, who just gave me a big hug and sent me home (turned out she had had a MC in similar circumstances before her two children were born perfectly healthy, so she understood). I have been really lucky in that my colleagues have been supportive and lovely. I'm sure yours will be too. If not - we are all here for you babe - MN has been a lifesaver for me, I can't think what I would've done without knowing there are people out there right now who understand all my feelings completely xxx
Sorry for long post have missed you all!

Hi victoria girl , so sorry for your loss chick. Going back to work is difficult but its never as bad as you think it is going to be. It does get easier and you begin to feel a bit more positive. I was until they said i had to wait ages for these results just wanted to scream at stupid doctor that four weeks is too long, you stupid bitch.
I work in a baby room at a nursery so used to being around babies just can't deal with new babies. To be honest i love being around all the babies at the nursery it cheers me up.
Have extended overdraft so i can go out cos can't stand the thought of staying in with my own thoughts depressing myself. Looking forward to saturday now, thank god for debt!!!

Evening ladies - welcome back EllieG I missed you! Hi victoriagirl I love reading your posts as you keep saying exactly how I feel! I have spent all day writing my "story" and feel alot better. Maybe I'll get the courage to send it in somewhere.I always fancied being a writer so this could be my start [hmmm].
I also went swimming today - had so much energy - reminds me how knackered I was for the last 4 months! Lovelylou glad you are going out. I am terrible with shopping and have been flashing the plastic again today but small treats do make me fel better. I hope I can calm down the spending when I get back to work.
I like the idea of friendly lunch on Monday - going to text my colleague to set it up.
Have period pains ughhhh feel same as when PG so gets me all excited then I remember is not so
DH had to have celeb lunch with colleague expecting twins. they were 3 weeks behind us and told everyone immediately - this makes me feel better as I sometimes worry that I jinxed myself by spilling the beans to some people.Anyway poor thing - he is dreading it - is almost comforting to know he is struggling too and not just me.
IKWYM about babies. Just spoke to friend getting induced Monday. Had an okayish convo til she told me to stop hiding at home and get out there. To be fair she is very gung ho (was at the gym today trying to induce herslf) but am very bad at taking advice recently!
Hope you all have a good weekend!

Oh god back to work this morning am soooo tired.
Went to gym yesterday though and had heaps of energy - physically feeling so much better at the moment. Is nice to feel energetic again, I know what you mean Popsy.

Hi
had a great weekend (interspersed with picture text from preg friend and other one giving birth which set me back a bit). Enjoyed sunshine and had a few too many Roses last night - I'm back and I finally know what DH meant when he said he wished we could get back to normal - is great to be functionning again (but not great to be back in the office boo)
Going to go home early and enjoy the sunshine before weather gets shit tomorrow