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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

531 replies

EllieG · 20/03/2007 09:14

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

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lovelylou · 16/05/2007 14:38

Thanks ladies. Will let you know as soon as i do x

Glimmer · 16/05/2007 16:31

Oh Lovelylou -- I envy your patience. Unfortunately, this is exactly the kind of experience I made here in the UK (am from aborad, so not used to the healthcare system).
I hindsight I should not have waited and endured so much but been more proactive and determined. It's just very hard to do, especially when you are grieving and don't know how to make it through the day. I think you should ask politely when the results have come back and then write a complaint letter to doctor and NHS. I am still waiting for the response to mine (I wrote several), but writing them has been very helpful in itself.

Also understand everybodies reaction to pg-ladies. I have 3 in my immidiate environment and referred to them in my mind only to 'the bellies'. I agree, women do not understand unless they have been through it themselves.

Ellie, can't you turn down the assignment. It could turn out both ways, but it might end up being torture for you and that's the last thing you need right now.

Popsy, I guess I have to out myself: I thought for 4 months I would have Asherman's syndrome (scarring to the uterus that can be so severe that no menstruation occurs) and was seriously wondering if there is permanent dammage to my fertility (I have a lot of anger and dispair left from that time as you can all tell). I was told they probably would have to remove scar tissue, then set a coil in for several months and put my on hormone therapy (that diagnosis came after the molar pregnancy and the ectopic one, which were both wrong). As it turned out, the scar tissue was only at the cervix and I didn't have Ashermans. I ended up falling pregnant again very soon after the hysteroscopy and
currently 14 weeks.

It is difficult because although I am very happy, I grief at the same time for the baby I lost and think of her daily. And having been the 1:500000, I expect I will be the 1:400 who will be having the child with Down syndrome and the 1:100 with the 2nd trimester
miscarraige etc. But I have to say that the grief becomes easier with time (not less, just 'less overwhelming'). About seing pg
ladies and colleagues -- it got a lot worse for me over time and I still avoid them including my friends, although I am technically one of them. I think I am envious of their naivity and happiness while we are very aware that it might happen again.

Sorry for telling you maybe more than you want to hear right now. I was just touched by
LovelyLou's posts and thought it might help, that we all have been in one way or the other the 1: xxx.

When you are ready there is a lovely TTC after mc (retrun to the mothership) thread
under conception, where there are women actively trying and women waiting for the period when they can TTC again. (There was a women with molar pregnancy there, but I haven't heard form her in a while).

EllieG · 16/05/2007 16:52

Glimmer you sound lovely, I am so glad things are working out for you and that you are PG again. I will send all my bestest most positive vibes your way.

p.s I like calling them 'the bellies'

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popsy76 · 16/05/2007 16:53

Hi Glimmer, thanks for your story - is so reassuring to hear you say you have made it against the odds and that you are now 14 weeks - congratulations! I imagine I will be just the same when PG - we have lost our innocence haven't we (which is one of those LIFE IS SO BLOODY UNFAIR moments) but I have been trying to see it differently - I am now wearing my life "scars" with pride:

My parents divorced when I was 7 and had a foul relationship (as did my mum and sister) which really badly affected me until...

My dad died last year which was the worst thing I have ever encountered til....

I had a miscarriage this year...

I am a changed person - I know more about life than I would really want to but I also feel I might just be a nicer/more rounded/more grounded person because of it. And I have learnt the hard way that life SUCKS and it is your ability to deal with it and carry on that determines your success as a person (as is sure to kick you up the arse again at some point)

Does this sound negative or positive - I don't know - i suppose is just me trying to make sense of the situation and find a way of carrying on without having a nervous breakdown

EllieG · 16/05/2007 16:57

No makes sense to me Popsy - I've had loads of crap over the past couple of years and thought was getting happy and settled, and then MC. But you can go oh oh oh poor me my life is so hard and I have had so much horrid stuff happen, or you can (try - I don't always manage it) to view it as a learning experience, something that shapes you and makes you stronger.
And now I am going home to drink some more gin, having done bugger all today cos have been on MN so much.

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lovelylou · 16/05/2007 17:01

The woman with the molar pregnancy was called TOD and she got pregnant. Her 12 week scan was the same day as mine but we have not heard from her since her scan. I would love to hear from her just to make sure everything was okay
Thanks Glimmer, i am not patient just incredibly nervous about speaking on the phone or being a pest to anyone, silly i know. I have always been the same though. Your story gives me hope so thankyou for that. I will feel much better once i know what is going on.

barrelrider · 17/05/2007 09:59

Any news yet LovelyLou? Am thinking about you, fingers crossed.

EllieG · 17/05/2007 10:43

Said a little prayer for you lovelylou last night even though am not particularly religious I figure it couldn't hurt eh? Let us know how you go x

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popsy76 · 17/05/2007 13:52

Hi lovelylou hope you are okay!

lovelylou · 17/05/2007 18:03

Hi everyone. just thought i would let you know that i am at hospital tomorrow so i won't know till then. i will let you know when i get back from work. Some good news though i have been promoted at work
Keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow x

nh101 · 17/05/2007 18:06

Hi guys, I have been snowed under at work which is why I haven't been around for a whole but thanks for asking after me! That was lovely. I have just read the posts from the last few days and was hoping I'd see a post from lovelylou at the top but nothing so far.

Hope you are OK lovelylou!

I have been on TTC after miscarriage thread but haven't had time to do anything else but am off work today cos went to see surgeon for follow-up. He said there was nothing wrong and that the PG wasn't molar. I didn;t even know he thought it might be but he said he always likes to send tissue off just to check. I thought of you lovelylou and thought if he can tell me then why couldn't they get their arses in gear for you?

Anyway I felt a bit sad but after reading everyone else's messages I am feeling better. It is nice to know I am not alone.

The doc said if they see a heartbeat at 6/7 weeks then there is only a 5% chance of MC, they are going to scan me at 6/7weeks next time but I saw a heartbeat on scan at 10 weeks with last baby and still MC'd so am a bit suspicious of his 5% figure and even if the scan is Ok at 6 weeks next time I will still worry like mad.

But I remember you saying Popsy about being the 1 in 4 again next time but actually statistically it is at least 1 in 16 that a 'normal' person has two consecutive MCs, and I also think that there can be reasons why MC occurs (eg for me because I had just come off the pill) which are not there the second time around. I know we will all worry loads but I think if anything we should be more confident it will go well next time.

popsy76 · 17/05/2007 18:07

even have crossed eyes for you! - will have to leave work as can't type like this (but is worth it )

nh101 · 17/05/2007 18:08

x-posted there lovelylou.

Good luck tomorrow and well done on promotion. You are being very patient. Hopefully it means good news and that is why they are being so crap.

I am going to get a glass of wine now cos feel like getting hammered.

nh101 · 17/05/2007 18:09

That's better

popsy76 · 17/05/2007 18:12

hmmm - nh very wise - you think about these things too. I am worried is cos I was so stressed at work - and I do a very physical job and run dissection classes and I went to belgium for a week to dissect Okapi so was not the best environment. However thinking like this will make my head explode. Maybe i can do something positive and make sure not taking on anything like that next time am PG. Was thinking of contacting health and safety now to tell them am not PG but want to know what I should do if find I am as is very stressful working in this environment but not being able to tell anyone...

I kind of feel i will MC again - don't know why - i just do - someone has to be the unlucky one in the stats and I know loads of people who MC but very few multiple MC-ers so maybe that will be me? (i was the 1 in 4 of me and my friends )
However - 1 in 16 is a light at the end of the tunnel...

cuillan · 17/05/2007 21:55

Hello, i hope you don't mind me jumping in here amongst your conversations, but i'd love to leave a message for lovelylou.
Lovelylou i don't know if you remember me but a little while ago when you first heard you may have had a molar pregnancy you left a message on our molar pregnancy thread - yes the one i had with TOD ( i too have not heard from her since March & am quite concerned). I've had a molar pregnancy & if you need any advice or support i'll be here for you. I've also got my fingers crossed for you & pray you have a negative result - which hopefully is likely because i'm sure they would'nt have left you sooooo long had it been a molar. Best of luck with tomorrow & as i said if you need anything i'm always here xxxxx.

nh101 · 17/05/2007 22:32

Hi cuillan, thanks for coming on here and giving lovelylou some support, she is so lovely and i feel she is in the worst position of all of us. Praying for good news tomorrow for you lovely...

Pospy, me and you are the in the same position i think - first pregnancies, got pregnant quick, we are (quite) young, mc at 10 weeks - we were just unlucky and I really think we should take some comfort in that. Most of the difficulty is in falling PG so I hear. I have a sil who has been trying to get PG for two and a half years. (And another sil who is PG but let's not talk about her . Me and SIL who is struggling to concieve don't get on so well, she is my DH's only sister and I find her really annoying, but I really feel for her with this cos everyone has been so sympathetic to me about my mc whereas she has been going through month after month of agony in not getting PG and nobody commiserates with her about that because nobody knows. Then I come along and get PG first month and then MC and then everyone is really sad for me, which is nice for me but how does that make her feel?

I am not saying we have not been through shit cos we have (I don't need to tell you that) but I don't think we can say we are likely to be the very unlucky ones who MC all the time - to get as far as we did shows we are capable of getting PG and carrying babies for quite a while (it is not our bodies rejecting it). My mum lost her first at the same time as me and then went on to have four more (always first month of trying) and my sister had a MC and has three other kids (all first month of trying) and my other sis has two kids (both first month of trying). I think I have fertile genes (fingers crossed). What about you? Don't you think you have fertile genes?

I am so sorry if anyone else reading is this thinking I am being insensitive I have had a bottle of wine now! I hope and pray everyone else has successful Pgs soon.

I don't know how I will cope if my AF comes in two weeks...

popsy76 · 18/05/2007 08:56

Hi nh rushing off to examen but wanted to say...yes - seems like same story in my family - mum and both sis had MCs (by mistake in my sisters case but there we are)
will take heart from that
xxx
p.s. how's the head?

EllieG · 18/05/2007 09:05

Hey nh - hope you are feeling a little better today. Am sending you and Popsy the BIGGEST hugs for sad-feeling people.
I think it goes in peaks and troughs (probably not spelt right sorry) doesn't it? But I am finding the gaps between the low times are getting longer so I figure that's recovery. And I don't have that same burning sense of loss and emptiness all the time that I had (although it sometimes comes up and wallops me from time to time). So I am getting there, and when you look back on our old posts I think it's clear that we are all managing a lot better than we were, so hurrah for us (pat on back emoticon). But bad days are still going to happen, and I try not to fight against them but accept they are there and they will pass and I will feel good again at some point. Like wise woman Popsy says on the other thread, it shapes you as a person.
Lovelylou - you get the biggest vistual hug of all - best of luck today lady, will be thinking of you xxx

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EllieG · 18/05/2007 10:12

Poo poo poo PG friend has just invited me round to see her she's signed off with morning sickness and wants me to come round for a cuppa 'but I'll have to make my own cos she might gag'. Bah.

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nh101 · 18/05/2007 10:23

How insensitive! I'd tell her to shove it but that is just the mood I am in at the moment . I know it is hard for others to understand but surely moaning about your morning sickness to someone who has just had a MC is obviously not right?

You know when you get drunk and wake up the next morning thinking 'my, was I talking shit last night or what?' well (unfortunately) on MN the shit you were talking is right there, preserved for ever more for you to read as your sober self

My head is not too bad, only had four glasses which is a lot for a Thursday night but not that much really. I feel like shit though but am hoping that is cos I am PG (probably not though - I think I am three days post-ovulation).

Did you ever think you'd discuss your menstrual cycle with complete strangers online?

EllieG · 18/05/2007 10:40

No, but there's a lot of things I thought I'd never do, so there you go. Anyway, I was thinking last night that MN is the only place I can really be as loony as I want, as in RL I have to look a bit sensible and not appear too obsessive about PG and babies. I figure it's good to have an out and be reassured that everyone here will understand!
Don't worry about talking crap - is all good and I do it all the time anyway x

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barrelrider · 18/05/2007 10:58

Hi all how are we doing? Am thinking about lovelylou today, just popped on to see if results were back yet.

NH I didn?t think you talked crap at all, that was most coherent after a bottle of wine, impressed.

Ellie yeah she sounds like an insensitive cow. Tell her to shove it.

Speaking of insensitive.. last night I went for a ?night out ? with a few of my mummy friends (all have 1years olds like me). One of them has just had her 2nd (a few days before my surgery). They all know about my recent ectopic, but they talked ALL NIGHT about childbirth, pregnancy, babies. I mean I expected to hear the birth story but I thought they might have had the sensitivity to change the subject after that.. but no, on and on and on about bloody childbirth. And then all about what our toddlers are doing at the moment. And THEN they started asking each other if they wanted any more. At that point I started making noises that I was going to leave, to shut them up, but I was too polite to say THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU?RE SAYING!!! I really really feel fed up today.

Don?t know what to do either, these were/are my friends. I?m tempted to say sod them all and not contact them but that?s the immature me! But I don?t know how to say to them that I really don?t want to talk about childbirth and all the rest of it right now (or ever really ? I had a bad birth and still don?t like to think about it ? although don?t want to sound insensitive with that. He was 10 ½ lbs and back to back, so not a normal situation).

Popsy don?t worry. Like nh said your chances are good.

Sorry to rant everyone Feeling very irritable and misunderstood. Wish I had some childless single friends who would get drunk with me and talk about something other than the ?b? word.

EllieG · 18/05/2007 11:42

Oh hon, that's rubbish. They probably (stupidly and insensitively) think that because you have your DS you aren't as upset at MC and so fine to weeble on and on about it. Silly moos. People really don't think about what they're saying do they? I hope I'm different to that.
You can come out for a drink with me any time - I appreciate coming to Jersey might be a bit tricky for a night out, but nonetheless, you are entirely welcome. Perhaps we should all meet up in the middle and drink some rose before we get up the diff again.

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EllieG · 18/05/2007 11:42

That should be 'duff' not 'diff'

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