Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

Still no results really miserable today

lovelylou - how you doing today honey? Sorry you were feeling lousy am thinking of you x

Hi lovelylou, I am feeling crap too. And all I can focus on is trying again so I can only begin to imagine how hard it is for you not knowing when you will be able to. I just hope telling us about it can make you feel a little better. I know it helps me. Let it all out

As you know I have had a tough couple of weeks, and now my SIL has announced she is PG. Nine weeks gone and I am happy for them but it has made me more unhappy as I think it is so unfair that everyone I know seems to have perfect healthy PGs and I didn't. It's not true of course, lots of people I know have m/c'd but it FEELS like everyone else has had healthy PGs. I was really looking forward to this weekend as it is my MIL's 60th. She took the whole family out for a chinese last night and is having a big BBQ at her house today. We always have such a laugh as a family, so I have been so looking forward to it, but an hour before we were due to meet for the meal last night, DH told me SIL (his brother's wife so she was at meal and BBQ) was PG. I thought it was pretty insensitive timing! But I am sure they didn't mean for it to be. So I had a shit night although I said all the right things to them, and I am happy for them. But I feel bad because I am sort of thinking 'there is time for their PG to go wrong yet' and it is not that I want anything bad to happen, I just think why should I be the only one suffering like this? Sort of, I don't think it is exactly that, I don't know. I just hope I am PG as well in three and a half weeks (and counting) and then I won't care. I go from feeling so hopeless to feeling OK about the m/c. And I can't stop thinking about being PG again. I am scared of getting PG and I am scared of not getting PG. I think I am on the brink of totally losing it.

absolutely fed up of being the wierd one that can't even try again. Want my results so at least i know how long i have to wait. Feel like it is just sinking in what has happened and just want to get on with my life and try again but instead all i have to look forward to is blood and urine tests. Sorry but just feeling like shit at the minute and have not said anything to anyone else cos they look at me like they are thinking "get over it"

It is only just hitting me too. You are right to feel shit and angry, it is normal. You would be wierd if it didn't hurt like mad. Maybe you are being too hard on people cos I bet they don't really think 'get over it' they just probably don't know what to say.

Get on to the hospital for your results, they are taking the piss making you wait this long. How long does it take to test some blood? Ridiculous. They treat m/c like it's not serious. I know someone whose baby died in the womb at 31 weeks and it was seven days before she could go into hospital to deliver her dead baby. That is just wrong.

Be angry lovelylou, you will have to live with being angry and feeling shit for a while. I have woken up feeling shit again today and just think I am going just accept now that that is how I am going to feel for the forseeable future. I'm getting used to it and in a way it just feels normal now.

Hi ladies, god sounds like everyone having a shit time? AF arrived Saturday and actually I feel okay as have been waiting over 6 weeks for it and everyday without it is a day not ttc again . Sorry lovleylou I hate that you are having such a bitch of a time - I know I'm not in your position but just let it all out here - everyone in RL will think you are totally sane tee hee
NH I had same thing this weekend - most hated ex-friend is PG - due same as I would have been - god am thinking all sorts of horrid thoughts about her . I also feel really I WANT THAT everytime I look at a baby/toddler - it really becomes such an obsession arghhhh
Anyway hope you all are okay - I have baked white choc and cranberry cookies to take the edge off the hangover yum!

Hey ladies - sorry you are feeling crappy. I was feeling quite cool over weekend, went out with my pals and had too much wine and ended up howling in the toilets of a club after my best mate talked about the MC. She was sweet and i would rather it was mentioned than not, but am beginning to feel it is taking over my life! And then I had the mother of all hangovers on monday which only made things worse. Am defo going to cut down on the boozing now, just makes me feel worse and don't think I need that

Hi all nice to see you again. I?m also having sh1t time, sorry to say. Very angry and confused, drunk and smoking most nights. Thinking about separating from dh one minute and love him to bits the next (although I must say we?re usually in that position so not much new there). But this has forced the issue a lot ? do we really want to bring another child into our relatively troubled marriage??

Also not sure what to do about job ? went to see a nursery which my little boy could go to if I change jobs but it was horrible and totally freaked me out. Made me angry about the new job then ? they?ve not made a great offer money-wise despite going on about how brilliant I am. So this morning I phoned and asked for more and they said it?s unlikely. So now I?ve asked for 4K more or I won?t go. And if they say no what then, do I stay in this freakhouse or do I eat humble pie and move to skintdom??? God it?s a mess!!

Got really angry the other day because my dh mentioned that someone at work was 9 weeks pregnant and really ?freaked out? by it and not happy. I went ballistic and said they should count their blessings, I would have been 9 weeks and what wouldn?t I give??? Being pg is a gift and if you can?t handle it then don?t get yourself in that situation in the first place

Might have a loot at ttc thread but not ttc yet and due to the marital stuff not sure if will be again??

Nh101, really sorry you?re feeling so bad. I wasn?t posting because I thought you?d all started feeling better. Do hope your work situation picks up. You sound really really strong. Your feeling about your SIL sound very understandable and sane! As for getting pg again, we all have to just take it as it comes I guess. It will be very scary whatever happens. The other night I dreamt the baby was kicking and I could actually feel it. Horrible sadness when I woke up.

Popsy know exactly what you mean about the booze. Pg is brilliant reason to be good. Are we supposed to be good when ttc as well though? Sounds like most of us going for the booze at the moment! Glad other people are the same!!

Lovelylou how are you? I?m sure people aren?t thinking ?get over it?, how could they be? You?re in a really strange situation and nobody who hasn?t been there can know what it?s like for you.

Hey barrelrider - sorry you're having a rough time. Is hard having relationship stress as well as life stress and things like this do make you question whether anything is certain. Hang in there hon - you'll get there. And in the meantime we are here for you to offload any time xx

Oh no poor you barrelrider sounds horrid. Almost like you have too many stressful things to think about and they are all interconnected so is hard to know which one to try to solve? Maybe you have to just let some of the other stuff (relationship/job) go for a bit until you have regained your pre-MC sanity or your head will explode with all the stress? Either that or go and enrole in a boxing class so you can punch something reall really hard!
nh101 how's it going? Feeling any better? It is mad the way you can swing from top of the world to really down and bitter - My PG friend has been pestering to meet up but I just can't be arsed with the stress it will cause me to see her and pretend everything is okay
Ellie are you back at work? or still enjoying some me time?

Popsy you have taken over the obi1 mantle with your wise words for barrelrider!

I am just losing it

Can;t write much cos new boss glares when I type (she knows this means I am not doing my proper work) but hope everyone is OK today. I am feeling crap but that is just normal now

Oh lady you sound so sad I wish I could give you a hug. You are not losing it, you are entirely natural and normal for feeling angry/sad/bitter/whatever. Have finished my 'me' time now and back at work and I have to say I am SO glad I took the time off. For some reason I found I coped OK (ish) after the MC but my mood really dipped a little while later and I was so so angry all the time. Felt dead sorry for DP cos he got it in the neck but I found it hard to stop. After seeing my therapist (which was another good move, she was brill) she said that everything I was describing was the normal stages of grief, and that they happen at different times for different people, and in no way was I being unreasonable. She also said that if my mind and my body were telling me to stop and take a rest, there was nothing wrong in looking after myself a bit and doing so.
So maybe you need to do the same thing honey - can you take any time off from your work (which sounds like a cause of stress in itself) and find a bit of time to relax? Barrelrider - same to you - is hard coping with job/relationship/personal stress, something's got to give, and you don't want it to be your sanity. Your GP might sign you off (mine was brilliant and put something really non-specific on sicknote so no gossip). Sorry for rambling - hope you are all OK

nh well hopefully someone will benefit from all the money I am spending on life coaching (maybe am in the wrong job?)
I found it really hard when she said "you have to accept that sometimes what we want to happen does not happen and that that is okay cos something else will" (I wanted to punch her - luckily we do this over the phone ). I am so impatient and that is unlikley to change so am trying to concentrate on other stuff til a successful PG comes my way .

Hi ladies. Still no results, still fed up.
nh101 you sound so down, it is not like you at all. Work won't be helping. Just focus on trying again, next time will be different i am sure. We all sound really down at the minute.
I am just sick of thinking maybe it isn't that and then i will be able to try soon but then i resighn myself to the fact that it is molar and i feel so down about it because i am so desperatly broody and want to ttc again. Life is just shit at the minute

Hi Lou, I've just read all about molar pregnancies and my God girl I hope that's not what you've got I really don't know if this is a bad thing to say but Jesus
What makes them think it might be that? And why is it taking them so long to get the results to you??
Thinking about you.

Just read this thread, to Eliie and all those that have added, so so sorry for your recent losses. I have had 2 MS, one at 12 weeks and one at 14. It took me 2 years to conceive and then lost my mum between the 2 MS, LIFE SUCKED..... I now have a dd, so life does get better, I promise, I hit rock bottom and came back up again as you will, I promise.

I will have a little word with the man above for all you lovely mummies and to be mummies tonight. x

lovely lou a friend had a molar last year and is PG now (17 weeks) so there is light at the end of the tunnel - not much comfort now I am sure if you are like me but at least you know it can still happen for you - big hugs

I'm feeling a bit better today - I wonder whether I should take time off work but then think maybe I want to wait till I am PG again and take some time off then. If my new boss keeps annoying me then I will have some time off as that will really drop her in it. I feel so sad but ellie they were really nice words about grieving and how people do it differently. I am just taking each day as it comes and fociussing on two weeks from now when I can test (although I am bracing myself for a bad result because I don't want to be too devastated if we don't catch this time).

I will try to take it as a sign that my body is not ready yet and feel more hopeful for the next time. And if we do catch I will worry that my body wasn't ready and that we should have waited another month!

hI NH I agree about the waiting for PG tests - i don't like to think about it as I am sure to be over anxious and gutted if not first time as was easy last time. Is funny but sometimes when i think that i might get PG from sex i get scared about the can of worms that I am opening?
I have been naughty and looked at ovo calendar which also gives predicted due date - if PG this month then would be DH birthday - maybe is a sign . Wanted to tell him this but then realised I am pretending to chill about getting PG so admitting have been calculating would be counter productive
Time off sounds like a fab idea - i wouldn't wait til PG as it puts extra pressure on you and your body - just think of it as an extra way of looking after your body and mind to have them in tip top condition for being PG. I know that if had got PG sooner than this i would have been totally insane! I also am trying to see this as an opportunity to be better prepared next time it happens - DH and I are certainly closer and more mature after this experience

Are we not supposed to be looking at our ovulation calendars? Oh dear

Thanks Madame, is nice to know the good endings x
I feel a bit sick today and last couple of days. I know is not actually possible for me to be PG this month but I keep hoping all the same...silly ain't it? I know my period will come as usual but I will be disappointed.
Lovelylou - does your GP give any kind of explanation for your results being so long? It seems really bad you've had to wait all this time

Oh my friend from work is PG with twins she's just come and showed me the scan photos and they are early ones so they looked like mine I am so happy for her cos she had IVF but so sad for my baby not being here I had to go to the toilet and have a little cry

It's totally understandable Ellie. I felt the same about my SIL and it is difficult for others to understand if they are not going through it too. Talk about it as much as you can to someone who does understand (us if necessary)

Sorry I can't write more but new boss is glaring again!!!!

Thanks hon x