Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

Sounds lovely. I am having a very nice week os far actually - am feeling little or no guilt as it has made me feel SO much better that must have been justified. Saw my friend yesterday and she said 'You look so well! And you've got no spots!'. Which I took as a complement but then made me worry i usually look like a leper. (Damn hormones have given me skin like a teenager).
Wouldn't worry about crying - I went through a stage at crying at the drop of a hat - all parr for the course. Comes out when other people are there cos more is being asked of you I reckon, plus alcohol is the great disinhibitor and makes people cry even when have nowt to cry about. I like a good cry sometimes, feels cleansing. My DP doesn't fret at all about it anymore, bless him, takes it all in his stride and just gives me a few pats and then makes a cup of tea.

Am going to garden centre with my Mum today. Wish me luck!
Plus then I have to see my lawyer cos my divorce is finalised on the 1st.
Not sure how to feel about that. Am dead happy with lovely DP but 10 years is a long time and makes me bit sad for the younger me and ex.

oh god-will await post on mum-isms later
good luck!
divorce butso cool you have new dp and lovely life! i have learnt that lifeis full ofshitstuff and it is how you deal with what is thrown at you that matters.. sounds like you have done brilliantly!

Hi there! Of course I'd marry you Ellie if I was that way inclined

Had a bad day yesterday, got my period and was well stressed about going into work thinking they might have thought up some way to get rid of me or something.

I think a mix of hormones and trepidation just made me feel so low and I just didn't want to talk to anyone. Obviously things at work are tough with them trying to screw me over.

Then yesterday they started giving me extra work to do (basically my new boss's work as it is too much for her to deal with ie they want me to do part of the job that I have been overlooked for) because they are trying to get all our work done with four people now not five after my boss quit (and someone more junior to me was promoted in my place). I have said I am doing nowt that I wasn't doing before. They want to promote me by the back door (ie no more money), well I am not having it. Other issues eg discrimination case are still ongoing.

I made a good case today though for no more work (ie if it's not something I did before, I am not going to do it now just because they want to get rid of staff) and they seem to have backed off about it for the moment.

Cried a few times yesterday cos thought the whole world was against me and I wasn't having a baby. But feel much better now!

Yes Popsy when the sun shines, get off your butt and get out there. You know it makes you feel good to have the sun on your back!

Got to confess, we are going to start trying again this month. It's only three weeks till my party so I'm sure it will be OK. And I won't be devastated if I don't catch this time cos we won't try too hard (whereas if we waited till next month I would be desperate by then and then devatated if it didn't happen). It could be five weeks till my next period (it was five weeks to this one) and can't wait that long!

Hi nh101 phew so pleased you are like the rest of us - I have been in awe of your resolve to last until June - it is just too much mentally isn't it? Work sounds like is full of w*nkers - you stick to your guns!

Yeah you go girl! Don't let the stupid work people grind you down nh - you sound like you are sticking to your guns brilliantly. Told my DP last night that I wanted to use some of the money we are saving to buy house to use to take some unpaid leavefrom work (we only get 4 months maternity leave here and don't want to use full time childcare when baby only 4months old) when we finally have one that sticks. He was cool about it so that is the new plan. I just figure I'm sure I can get a bigger house/mortgage etc any time but is more important to me spending time with my (yet non-existent) baby.
Popsy - mum wasn't too bad though she did bore me rigid by talking about her new fella - glad she is happy an' all but just made me feel slightly nauseous. You are right about the lovely new life though, and baby or no baby, I am SO happy with my lovely man am a very lucky person
Feeling pretty good at moment - think I was defo right to take some time off, has sorted me out nicely. How did the gardening go?

Sorry you've been feeling sad about the divorce Ellie - I suppose you have all those hopes and dreams when you get married, no one thinks they will ever divorce and it is hard to accept it all went wrong. Things are going well for you now though and that is what you have to cling on to. And it is a great idea to use some of your money to take more time off work. That will keep you sane and will make having the next baby even more exciting knowing you are in a position to be at home for longer.

I am going through stages now of wanting to try again and wanting to wait. I am going to ask work on Monday if I can cancel my June holiday and take it later in the year (I thought I was going to be off from Sept so didn't think I needed to save it ). I don't want to fly while PG (I did last time and I am sure it didn't matter but you never know) so if we have to take it I might wait till then. Actually sod it I know when the time comes to get that condom out I am going to say 'don't bother!' no matter what I am thinking to mysell right now!

How are you doing Barrelrider - I am so so sorry about your eptopic. It is devastating enough to lose a baby without going through all that too. Keep in touch and we'll help however we can.

Hi
was a hermit inside all day so very grumpily helped put bamboo fencing up- looks sooo cool! Having local friends over for bbq sat - is easier than other plans as they'll go home at end of evening
Having a good day today too - have lots of fab plans for work so not concentrating on depressing stuff. Also is life coaching tonight - always seem to get my head sorted when I know I have her to talk to.
So pleased you are feeling more chirpy - is amazing what some time out can do. Your relationship sounds great! It is nice to feel non-depressed enouygh to count your blessings isn't it?

Hi all

Well here I am champagne in hand, I had sworn never to drink again after last night, when I drank about 6 pints of cider and felt ropey all day... but I had some good news today - I went for a job interview yesterday (must be mad so soon after everything but I thought, what the hell, just go and do it) and got offered the job. It's a lovely opportunity, really close to where I live (currently drive 50 miles round trip to work). Nice people, good organisation, great work content, good money. Only problem is that it would mean taking my little boy (he's 15 months) out of the nursery he's been in since he was 5 months old. he loves that nursery and they love him. Breaks my heart to think about it.. but my job is a dead end and socially it's absolutely crap, plus this will save hugely on time and petrol and give us more time together as a family.

So I don't know If I'm being selfish, I am totally stagnating there and just sit on the internet most of the day, or reading my OU stuff surreptitiously. I feel like I need a new start so badly and everything abot the job seems good other than this nursery issue.

Anyway otherwise things ok, still having moments of horrible sadness but am coping.

Ellie you're so lucky to have a good relationship, lucky you!! Must feel fab

NH your work situation sounds so stressful!! Good on you not losing your rag and storming out!!

How are you popsy? what's happening where you are?

Lissielou don't know if you follow this thread but we were due in the same month, I recognised your name from December thread

Better go American Idol is calling, good weekends to all, hot here in Dorset!

i recognise you. how are you now?

congrats on your new job, when do you start?

Congratulations barrelrider! You aren't being selfish at all chick, but very sensible. 15 month old won't be harmed by change in nursery at all especially if the one he's been at has been good. Yey for you!
Am going away tomorrow for a couple of days of fun in the city - can't wait! HAve good weekends ladies xxx

Hi Ellie, how was the big smoke? I am agog! (was it painted fire engine red???)

p.s. bareelrider - great news about the job! Kids are supposed to be very adaptable and I'm sure a happy mummy is more important than getting used to a new nursery. Is also mentally fab cos you'll really be moving on!

How is everyone doing? I am doing really badly right now and haven't posted for a while because I didn't want to bring everyone else down as everyone has been doing so well. But then I thought maybe everyone else is feeling rotten too and are not posting for the same reason!

So I am outing myself as a bit of a head case at the moment . Obviously work is very hard, I am finding it very difficult to work with my new boss, for lots of reasons: the fact that I don't think she can do the job as well as I could; finding it hard to take instruction from her; finding it difficult having her telling me how to do my job; she is quite a difficult person to deal with - she always seems to say the wrong things to really press my buttons and wind me up; and also I am just feeling very hurt and angry at the fact that I was passed over for the promotion (although I didn't want the job anyway - work that one out!)

I am bursting into tears all the time, thinking my life is shit when really it is only work which is bad but then that is making me focus on the miscarriage too. I can't work out whether I feel shit about the miscarriage because I am having a bad time at work, or whether I feel shit about it because it is only just sinking in, having had my first period and everything last week. I also feel terrified sometimes of being pregnant again, but then sometimes I can't wait to be PG again cos I am fed up of getting rat-arsed which seems to be what I am doing loads of at the moment and then feeling crap the next day with a hangover and depressed feelings.

I am having a meeting with one of the company's big bosses today about what's happened and I am wondering whether to ask him to find me another job in the company because the job I am doing at the moment with my new boss is becoming untenable. Me and my new boss are having bust-ups pretty much daily because I feel so angry about what has happened and also she winds me up (so much that sometimes I think she does it on purpose). She sent me an email saying she was 'bending over backwards trying to cut me some slack' but that she was 'walking on eggshells' around me. I just felt offended that she was trying to make me feel bad about making her uncomfortable about what has happened. I don;t need to be cut some slack, I just want to do my job and for her to do her job (she is trying to get me to do some parts of her job but I have refused).

But then other times I really enjoy my job so wonder whether I should just let things settle and see how it goes. Asking for a move would really frighten management though because that is bordering on constructive dismissal terrritory (if they have made my current position untenable, which is how I feel sometimes right now).

I just wish I was still having the baby, then I would be off from September anyway (or even earlier had I found it too difficult to cope with) whereas now I can only hope that I get PG again soon so I can focus on being off from Jan or Feb next year.

Sorry you are feeling so bad nh101. If work is bad it does get you down because you spend most of your day there. I would ask to move if you think it will make you feel better.
I got my period this week so i take that as another good sign. Still no results though That is the thing making me sad i want to plan when i can start trying again and then i will have a reason to stop all the drinking i have been doing and get healthy again. How are you ellie and popsy?
Hope you feel better soon nh101

Hi nh101 - good to hear from you I thought that you hadn't been posting because you were over it all and getting on with life (and that made me feel crap cos I am not ). Your post brought tears to my eyes as everything you have been feeling I have been feeling too. I also was due September which for me was my way out of work stress for a while. I now have to plan for the new term feeling like I shouldn't be here. I know you are a tough cookie so you'll probably think this is a crap idea but maybe you need some time off - either as holiday or signed off sick. You have been under a huge amount of stress - your work situation sounds totally foul and would be even without MC - however your ability to cope with it is impared cos all of your energy is going in to trying to get/feel better about MC. I reckon a month away would really help you straighten out your priorities - i have found it hard prioritising work again as it had started to slide in my list as soon as I was PG. Now I am doing things and planning things for a work future that I am uncertain of.

I want to be PG again so much but this roller coaster of emotions is so HUGE and life changing that the thought of going through it again is terrifying. Maybe you could chat to your big boss about a short term solution to the situation? The long term solution can then have time to develop rather than be a quick fix? I know you don't want them to fel they have "won" and it sounds like your new boss will be a bitch about it but fuck it - your sanity is far more important and this is just a job (as soon you will have a family ). Actaully my BF had similar situation with new (female) boss and ended up leaving - she had 3 months off in the end and said was best thing she ever did.

I went to see friend with new baby yesterday - found myself stuck in town near her house so just thought sod it I'll go. Was okayish - very strange and had enough after an hour or so dashed out for a cry and vat of rose on friends shoulder.

Lovelylou I too hate this getting drunk again thing. It was one thing I really loved about being PG - no longer needing to have will power over booze as PG did it for me. Feltreally low when woke up this morning but think is just mixture of booze and seeing baby.

I actually thought when in the sun yesterday - hmmm maybe i could wait a few months for ttc as summer is here and so many parties/weddings to go to - immediately changed my mind of course but must be making some sanity progress - also no sign of AF yet (6 weeks) so maybe am trying to protect myself from disappointment?

Hope you are all okay - EllieG? I presume you are still enjoying your time out?

p.s. as this is quite a quiet thread - you might want to come over to ttc after MC April 07 - loads of ladies there in the same boat as us so always someone to talk to xxx

Hey all -
sorry to hear you are feeling so lousy at moment nh101 - I know what you all mean about PG being a way out of stressful work stuff - I was really looking forward to getting out of it for a while too, and my work situation is nowhere near as bad as yours sounds. Maybe you could ask for a move - better to look after yourself than your company, as they don't sound like they are going to be particularly nice or understanding, and your boss sounds horrid.
Also - if your period has just come go fairly easy on yourself hon OK? When mine first came I was a mess - I think secretly I had been hoping it was all a big mistake and that the baby was still there (very silly I know) and period just brought it all back. HAve just had second period and it wasn't as bad and feel like am getting back on an even keel, which is nice. THough today we went to see about buying a house, and DP pointed out that were it not for my raging desire to be a mum we could stick with a 2 bedroomed place and not be skint for the rest of our lives. I said words to the effect of OK hon we won't have one as it doesn't make financial sense and I don't want to be selfish, however I have to warn you I may resent you FOREVER. Poor man. He wasn't being serious but I can see he doesn't want another one as much as me. If his daughter was ours we would probably just stick at one child, but she isn't, and it's asking a lot of me not to have one of my own with him. But I don't want to have one if he doesn't really want it too.
On a more positive note - had great weekend in London - though I am also getting a bit fed up with amount am drinking. Being PG made it so easy to not drink and now I feel I have slipped back into old bad habits. Must try a bit harder I think.
May come join you on the TTC April thread popsy - though as am not TTC yet I feel like a bit of a fraud.

Hi EllieG hmm IKWYM about DH not wanting as much as you but I think that is just the normal way of things and are very few DHs that want babies in the same way that we do. I had horrendous month with DH wanting to wait til job better/life sorted/wife sane and me just wanting to have new PG immediately. I took a bit of time to think about how to get it accross to him and think it worked (well we are back on the old horse IYSWIM ). Ihad to spell it out that TTC now would mean no diff in money til at least april/may next year and that I'd be totally doolally if we waited til next year (and what if something wnet wrong with money when have baby) - his need to support and plan was clashing with mine to nest...

Glad you had a good w/e - sounds like we are all self-medicating like crazy tee hee

Am driving to meet friend tomoz to ensure I have a nonhungover saturday wish me luck!

You go girl! Am going to an open day at SD school tonight so think had better be sober for that. Turing up stinking of booze and fags never quite strikes the right note does it?
Think will sit DP down tonight and have good chat. We had a little chat at lunchtime after saw the mortgage people, and he kinda gets it, as he was talking about how expensive would be having house and baby and he said 'But you'd probably rather have a baby than a new house anytime wouldn't you?' which I had to agree with. He is a lovely man and will come round to my way of thinking am sure (especially when I withhold all non-procreative sex hee hee)

I'm feeling much better today - still haven't had chat with big boss, he rang yesterday to say it would be today - still waiting.

Thanks for all your messages. Will definitely try the TTC thread although not "officially" TTC this month. I tried to jump DH last night but he was too tired as he was out drinking all night Tue after Liverpool got to Champs Lge final. I said 'how are we going to make a baby with no sex?' and he 'said we are not trying to make a baby'. I thought 'I am!' Won't be ovulating yet anyway so will talk him round in time I hope!

Got to go cos new boss glares at me when I am typing as she thinks I should be working (we don't do a lot of typing with our job so when someone is tapping away it is cos of emailing/chatrooms and not work!)

Hi, you don't need to be activley ttc for the thread - is loads of different ladies on there - so much wisdom - always someone who can help/advise. As you say nh101 we are ttc even if DHs think we are not

I am not allowed to ttc ladies xx

Lovelylou - sorry am being a bit slow - does this mean you have had your results back? Are you OK?

Glad you are feeling a bit better nh101 x

Don't worry lovelylou you have your own thread (here) for support. I really am hoping you get good results and soon.

Had meeting with boss today, he was very grovelling, I said I wanted to be moved to a new job in September if I am still not happy and also I want compensation for loss of earnings and for the hurt and upset I have been caused.

He said he would put it in writing that I could be moved if I want to in September, and would look at compensation so I am pretty happy. And my new boss is staying off my case today (well, so far anyway but that is because there is nothing to do at the moment - when we get busy later she will probably start stressing out and therefore stressing me out. But work is good today so far.

I have been back to babycentre.co.uk to work out my fertile dates. That was a bit of a shock as the homepage said "welcome back, you are 19 weeks pregnant!' I thought I had changed all that but obviously I didn't do it properly. Anyway I changed it and it said fertile dates this Sunday to Friday for 28-day cycle and the week after for 35-day (I think mine might be 35 days) but that means DH is going to get it this weekend!