Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 20 - tests, treatment, trying again.

[barkingtreefrog]

Buckle up, the threads move like lightening! Tea, sympathy, information, support and combined wisdom to guide you through the maze of testing and treatment for recurrent miscarriage. Newbies always most welcome.

Please start with the traditional recap of your stats.

I'm in Cambridgeshire, too

Brummie That's really bad timing, hope you are OK. I remember how awful I felt when Prince George was born at the time of EDD of MC1... Hope you have a lovely holiday away from everything!

Minnie Your boss sounds very incompetent. Hope things will improve - managing your managers can sometimes be very difficult!

Argh, I was supposed to have my appointment with the consultant today to discuss the results of the MRI scan. And it just got cancelled/rescheduled because he has a meeting. FFS, the man has 2 secretaries, surely they could have a better grip of his schedule?! I had already arranged for a friend to pick up DS from nursery and everything. Hmph.
My work is also a bit sh** at the moment - I had a meeting yesterday where I was told that apparently I am coming across as really stressed and negative, and could I please not show that in front of the junior team members?! Well, yes, I am stressed, and maybe I have been rolling my eyes more than usual, but that's because I am struggling with my workload and your response to that is to give me more projects!
The weekend can't come soon enough.

Thanks for all the good wishes everyone. Am nervous but happy to be going. It feels like a positive step.

brummie our appointment has been changed to 4.30, we might be right after you!

I got a baby-bomb this morning too, one of our best friends, but they sent us a message that was so thoughtful and sensitive, we don't feel at all baby-bombed! I find it so interesting that with some people it feels awful, and others not at all.

Good luck today tiny and longest, hope your appointments go well. And barking I am also rooting for your little bundles.

cloud how frustrating! On both counts! Has the consultant given you a new date?

I got a photo today of new baby texted to me by our mutual friend. I then asked to not be sent it as I was finding it hard. This is the response

I do not underestimate how you are feeling hun. Really I don't but it's not xxxx 'fault' or anyone else's for that matter that they have had children and why shouldn't they want to shout the good news and share it with friends? It is big news. And you'd be devastated if people didn't include you on updates etc. I'm not saying that what you are going through is nothing other than a very big thing. It is and we are all massively sympathetic - really we are. But this sort of news cannot be hidden and it will be celebrated. That's just a simple fact. You'll get your day one day God willing. Remember also that there are others out there too who have had difficulties. Just because they haven't told people doesn't mean that it's any less difficult for them. I'm not having a pop hun. I just cannot feel anything other than massive happiness and pride for xxxx right now.... x

All I asked was to not be sent pictures. And anyone who says "I'm not having a pop, well clearly you are

In shock and trying not to cry at my desk

brummie you're right, all you're asking is for a little break from it all, and she's sent you an essay back and made you feel like shit. Well shame on her!
Is this the friend that also had a mc?
She clearly doesn't get it! And who said you were blaming anyone?! Grrrr!!! Of it was me I'd be tempted to tell her to leave me alone...forever!
Don't let her make you feel like you're in the wrong, it's her with the problem of not having any empathy or consideration that's wrong.

Here's a hug for you x

Oh brummie - hugs .

Yes she is the one that all had an mc.

I'm in shock. Is this how we are seen. Are we expected just to put up and shut up?

I only asked not to have new baby pictures texted to me!!!!!

I'm starting to doubt myself now thinking that I'm being unreasonable

brummie - you definitely aren't being unreasonable. You are not saying your friend shouldn't have children, shouldn't be happy or shouldn't celebrate her news. You are just asking not to be texted photos at the moment to spare yourself any additional pain at this tought time. If your friend can't see that. Well, is be questioning whether I wanted to continue being friends with her. x

Brummie that is crap of your so-called friend. And to send it by text is doubly shit. Huge hugs.

Appointment was fine. Am still diet-controlled so no talk of induction etc yet, but I have to try a bit harder to keep my numbers low - and meals that were fine a couple of weeks ago are making them spike now so it's trickier. Ah well. Not so long to go now and actually I have lost weight so that's some consolation for having no treats.

Brummie I am so impressed with your strength that you can continue to be friends with your group of girls. It's an impossible situation and I have already disappeared totally from everyone bar family. So you are amazing to keep going when the pain must be excruciating.

The sad thing is no one is right and no one is wrong. Your friend is correct that it is big news and should be celebrated, you are correct that she should have some more sensitivity when sharing that news with you. The awful truth is if and when you have your baby you will want the same friends to shout your news from the rooftops and share your baby's photo. Honestly, it's a total no win situation and I really think in your friends defence she was trying to be very tactful, it's just not eaglet you needed it wanted to hear today.

Big hugs darling xx

Eaglet lol

Yes I agree with sun, brummie, you're not being unreasonable. It is your friend who is unreasonable. I assume she's referring to herself when she says other people have problems...in no way should she be comparing her situation with yours. Having one mc is not the same as having 3, then there's all the testing and uncertainty that goes with it. Just because she might be 'over' hers doesn't mean you should be 'over' yours. If I'm right in assuming she's had one mc, then she's had one awful experience which she can now look forward from, in comparison you've been in a continuous nightmare, it's just not the same, she should realise that but clearly she's incapable.
Sorry for babbling on, just please don't feel you're unreasonable. X

Just re-reading that back, I don't want it to come across that 'only' having one miscarriage isn't that bad, of course it's devastating, but that having more than one, sort of destroys the bad luck/one-off theory that you may be able to accept with 1 mc (assuming everything else is in order). Jeez feel like I'm digging a big hole!

I understood Flower. One MC followed by a successful birth is very very sad but the birth lessens the sadness and you are able to rationalise it as 'one of those things'. Recurrent miscarriages are a loss of hope and there is nothing in your arms to make it better.

You chatty bunch!!! I just can't keep up.

Sorry to hear about all the stress some of you are going through with work. It is so hard when you're trying to make careers count while dealing with the truma of mc. I had to reduce my hours in the end.

Good luck to Brummie with Coventry. Sorry to hear about your friend's sister calling you though. People just don't think.

Just I can't find your post but guessing your little one gave you a scare? Hope you can cook for a few more weeks but please don't panic. My friend had hers just before 30 weeks and she is doing great!

The conference at Westminster was amazing ladies. It is so scary to see just how much inequality there is in miscarriage and infertility treatment across the UK. After all we do all pay the same taxes!

X

I totally agree flower. After one mc I had plenty of friends and friends of friends who had been in the same boat but now had their dcs and was able to look forward to that being me. After three, I felt isolated and in a totally different position from those who had had one mc because it was the uncertainty about the future and the feeling that life was starting to pass me by that was difficult to bear. That's why this thread was so valuable as it's the only place where people genuinely understood but also offered hope.

Sebs is right too of course. But I still think she shouldn't have sent you a lecture in a text.

Aw cat well done! If I'd known you were in Westminster we could have gone for coffee.

I agree. Doesn't sound like much of a friend. Every person's situation is different and if she is beyond the grief of her mc then that's great for her but has no relevance to how you feel. Not acceptable to have such a rant at you when you've just made a polite request. Have you thought about sharing something like flen's blog with her to try and help her understand how you feel? Sometimes people need it to be spelt out

Well done cat. Great to take some positive action

Brummie how crap is that. OK plaster things on fb because then you can hide it and only look if you feel strong, but sending a text is quite ramming it on someone's throat...

Hope your Coventry appointment goes well and you feel more positive after that...

I just finished my section assessment and all seems fine... Hard to believe I am finally here...

Ah that's such a shame longest forgot you're there!

Hopefully we can get women to talk about infertility and mc more and fight to get the post code lottery situation to being a thing of the past! X

brummie you're not being unreasonable trying to protect yourself. Less than 2 hours til byebye work helloooo holidays

Thanks all for the different responses. And Flower don't worry I know what you mean. I wanted to say to her, you've only had 1, which was 4 years ago and I've had 3 and I'm going through the hell now. But I would never say that as there is no right numbers.

Sebs thanks for being the voice of reason. My rational head knows it's amazing news and to be celebrated - but I also need my space at the moment so I just politely asking don't send pics. I didn't say anything after the picture of her cutting a cake. But this time I had to - otherwise where does it stop and then I'd be told "but you didn't say anything" I can't win

I think my friend is being defensive because she's done something that I've said I've please don't.

Anyway I've sent friend flowers to say congratulations so I've done all I can physically do

Thanks for the support though.

Shit scared of this afternoon. Good luck Flen we'll pass you on the way out!!!!

When will they do your c-section tiny? X

I agree with all that's been said, yes it is massive news for your friend, but does this other one think you'd have requested not to be sent pics if you weren't really struggling. I'm sure you've been there for your friends when they've had problems and the support you provided would have been guided by what they told you and based on them as individuals. She's basically telling you how you should be feeling. It's all very well being sympathetic but how about a little empathy too.

Yes I'm sure it will be celebrated, but sending it directly to you is clearly shoving it down your throat. Sorry, I'm getting carried away. Feel quite upset for you Brummie. Although night also be to do with an insensitive comment from my dad just now. When I said about going to Coventry he made a big sigh and exclaimed why do you have to make everything so complicated! Hope you feel more optimistic after Coventry, good luck today.

Cat sounds like you had an interesting day. Would be interested in hearing more about it.

Brummie, sorry your insensitive friend has struck again. She's clearly on her own journey and at total odds with where your head is at. Shame she can't get that very simple message and back (the fuck) off. Hugs to you. Hope this afternoon's appointment lifts your spirit - they should get where you're coming from and give you some hope.
Good luck to Flen, too.
Longest, glad the appointment went well.
Cat, amazing work you're doing for fertility inequalities. I'm OK and so is babyJust, we've had a bleed scare on Tuesday but are back resting at home now. Just got to keep him/her cooking a bit longer and take taking it easy very seriously!
Waves to everyone. xx