Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 18 - tests, treatment, trying again.

[bakingtins]

Buckle up, the threads move like lightening! Tea, sympathy, information, support and combined wisdom to guide you through the maze of testing and treatment for recurrent miscarriage. Newbies always most welcome.

Please start with the traditional recap of your stats.

Brummie she might be sending a card? But yes, a text to acknowledge it would have been nice. My friend gave birth a couple of days ago, we looked after her dog while she was in hospital. When we dropped the dog off (she wasn't back yet but wanted the dog to be at home when she returned from the hospital, we have a key) we left a present on the table. She knows we've been trying 3.5 years, knows about the two mc and the failed iui and imminent ivf, but when she texted to ask if we could walk the dog when we took ours for the next 3 or 4 days (No, I bloody can't, we said we would be more than happy to keep the dog with us for a bit while she gets settled but expecting us to go and pick it up, walk it and bring it back to her every day?! That's basically being an unpaid dog walker around my day job and I'm not doing it) there was no 'and thank you for the hand knitted cardigan.' Grrr.

Sorry, I seem to just be popping on to rant about my friends today!!

Barking I feel the same.

I think I'm just stressing about AF which tomorrow will be 6 days late (ok will only be cd30 but that's late for me!!)

Imagining now that maybe could I miss AF? Have I ovulated twice? Is my lining so shit that I haven't got anything to shed?

Cervix has gone from being low and firm to high and soft.

I am completely over analysing this... The last time I was this late I'd flown halfway round the world for a work conference, was so jet lagged I could barely speak, met someone, had a fling and then promptly was a week late. I was convinced even though we'd been safe, he had super swimmers who could melt through condoms. I took so many tests but all bfn. Moral of story back then was don't have fun on work trips. Nothing good can come of it

Of course after I spent a fortune on tests, AF rocked up.

AF where the fuck are you?????

Yes, peeing straight after dtd is usually what works well for me, too, to avoid cystitis...however, when we dtd for a purpose, then that's exactly what I don't want to do... Just to give the swimmers as much a chance to get in as possible! If I wasn't so embarrassed, I'd stick my legs in the air straight after as well, but that really would be a mood killer
I'm a long-term sufferer, and believe me, if I never have to drink a drop of cranberry juice again, it won't be enough. I loathe that stuff now, I've just had too much. I also think that the one you get in the supermarket is just so artificial (and full of sugar)! I might look into getting some capsules at H&B, heard good things about them...
Well, I probably just need to have sex more often, rather than just going at it like rabbits once a month... DH wouldn't complain

So sorry to hear that some of you struggle with friends, your stories are ! Makes me think how lucky I have been in that respect... My family is who disappoints me sometimes, but my friends have been brilliant. I don't really hold back about the mcs anymore - I wouldn't bring it up as a conversation topic, but when it does come up, I don't want to skim around it all anymore.
There are, however, some people who, in spite of having had one or even more miscarriages, still don't seem to understand how painful things like exuberant Fb posts or careless remarks like 'I miss my bump' can be - those are the ones that really make me want to hit the roof! But then I tell myself that they are probably always 'socially challenged', regardless of having had a mc or not.
My advice, for what it's worth - ignore, ignore, ignore. Not worth the energy - take a big step back and withdraw from them. Chances are, they won't even notice.

Me too me too. I'm feeling so let down by my friends. It's a whole bunch of tiny tiny stuff but I feel at the end of my tether here. My 6th mc feels just around the corner. I've just had a major outburst that DH very patiently held my hand through. I told him I feel like we have to move house, leave this city, find new friends. I want to quit work and change everything. Everything on our calendar is stained with blood and tears. DH would like to do something nice for me for mothers day but it just reminded me that last year we went to some sand dunes and I was in bits as I felt fairly sure that mc4 was starting (it was) I soldiered on for a while and then we gave up. I recently went to a bday party for ds's friend and sat on the same sofa fighting back tears after mc5 and a year ago to the day I was doing the same after mc3. I'm sick and tired of this pain. Blood and tears. Blood and tears. I feel so resentful for the trips we've cancelled or DH and Ds have gone alone. I'm so tired of this pain. I'm so fed up of this infernal cycle of hope, blood and tears. And I'm so scared that I'll be unable to work and we'll lose the house. And I'm so miserable because when we started this 3 years ago I would have the strength to adopt a child but now I am irrevocably changed. I'm crushed.

Just to confirm: while I am very distressed I am not thinking of doing myself (or anyone) any harm. DH is here, awake and looking after me.
Sorry for that enormous outburst. I hope I haven't brought anyone else down too. Just to confirm. I'm OK, just upset.

I'll try to go to sleep. Back tomorrow.

I'm trying to catch up on here after a weekend of work..

didn't want to read and run and counting..so sorry you are feeling so low and worn down by everything. This is what happens isn't it, you get so bloody beaten down by it all. I completely relate to everything you have said. After 5 losses I am TTC again, and the fear is already with me and my mind returns to adoption. I feel like every picture and event and memory of the last three years relates directly to whether I was pg, which one I had just lost, how i felt after each one, the god awful ground hog day repetitiveness of it all. Today you are pg. We are here for you to rant and scream, and to give virtual hand holds. I have everything crossed for you. And there's the mystery pills to hope for...

Sorry to those with bloody rude and insensitive friends and mothers

longest and purple glad you are both ok after your scares (purple my DS had the same at about 30wks - no issues he's fine now)

twilight did you find any decent boxsets? I hope so.

Hoping time speeds by for those waiting for appointments and to TTC, brummie I think Coventry is a good call.

Hello newbies, support is to be found here.

Tanny hope you are feeling ok and tbat sweep gets things going.

I went to get a take out coffee on my way to work, sunday treat. It was very early and they were playing sad music..sodding Costa now reducing me to tears. These moments catch you.

Sorry not to name check properly, waving to all,hugs to all, because it seems we all need them.

longest Tanny flower thanks, yes am TTC now, and I will re book appointment with prof Brosens. Feel I have been a pain in the arse with all my emails to him and all he wants me to do is go there to discuss properly. Will probably write him another apologetic one tomorrow...

cloud a friend was plagued by cystitis and was recommended to cut out caffeine she did this completely and hasn't had it since you may well be caffeine free already but just thought worth mentioning.

girlie that gives me hope that they'll take my 1st mc seriously

sebs I am happy to hear you've had a good day you are so right about living in the moment and not fretting about the lack of siblings.

OMG I can so relate andcounting. There are so many places that are now tarnished by MC memories - where I started bleeding, when I was happy and pregnant, when I was terribly sad. I look at photos and videos and know exactly what was going on and how I was feeling and why. My birthdays have now become events where I am usually miscarrying and having a medical procedure. It's laughable and awful all at the same time.

BFN today... Gutted.

Sorry flen. What a horrible few days and that stupid vertical line. Not over til AF though?

Flen I'm so sorry hugs

Counting big hugs to you too. I know that feeling. I feel since May last year all I've done is be pregnant or recover from a miscarriage. I've just existed.

Thanks andcounting, and I can completely relate to what you posted yesterday. It is all so relentless. AF due Wednesday, I used a FRER this morning and there was no dim line, nothing whatsoever. Usually there would be a tiny vague shadow at least by now.

Every other time of trying we've got BFP on our second month, so somewhere in me I think I though "second month of ttc, it will be BFP". Plus we dtd 7/8 times (!) over the week of ovulation. Now obviously I'm thinking "we did it too much, we wore the sperm out..." etc etc.

Thanks bootles, really comforting. Well done on TTC again, hope there is some happy news awaiting you. (I wouldn't feel embarrassed about your appt with Prof Bronsens, they probably get tons of emails and they'll prob be really helpful when you see them)
Thanks, seb, I'm feeling a little better this morning. There is humour sometimes, I couldn't find any last night.

Oh flen , sorry about the bfn..that sideways line sounds like a real curve ball, plus its gutting enough to get bfn at the best of times.

cloud sorry about your bfn too, I hope being able to have the MRI takes the sting out of it a bit. The cystitis sounds just awful, must add insult to injury.

Thanks, brummie for the hugs
Thanks flen, don't fret that you did it too much. You have to do it and mobilising all of those little sperm cells is the name of the game.

flen you gave it your best shot, and it sounds like you get pg quite easily so it bodes well for the next cycle. Sure it just feels shit right now though.

and counting thanks for reassurance re Prof Brosens - I worry about these things. I hope today is a better day for you. How are things with your Grandmother?

Hi bootles, I sent the woman at imperial an email and then felt silly for days. I know how your feel! Thanks for asking about my grandmother. She's probably in her last day or so now which must have contributed to yesterday's outburst.

Thanks bootles and brummie. Just so wanted to be moving forward this month. We are now wondering whether to take a month break and go to Coventry. I don't know.

andcounting Hugs for your grandmother, must be very hard with all of it going on together.

I honestly cannot imagine ever pissing on another pregnancy stick. I hate them with a passion. With my last two miscarriages I remember peering on a thousand cheapies until I got a BFN. This time I am determined to not order any opks or hpts. There might be a time again when I want to start charting my cycle but right now I feel as though to would be healthier to just have sex a bit around days with good CM and be done with it. The whole thing is too heart breaking.

and counting I hope your Grandmother is comfortable, what difficult times.

Its a bit bonkers really that we worry about e-mails or how we come across - you'd think we had more important things to worry about, but that's just the way it is.

flen its hard to decide when to go to Coventry - I know there have been a few conversations on here recently about it. I went when the NHS had nothing more to offer and I'd had chromosomally normal results for mc 4. Its a personal choice, and I always found it hard to take a month off TTC, but I'm glad I went.

Sorry I've been a bit awol. Been lurking but not managed to gather up enough energy to post.

I'm right there with andcounting and the rest of you who have described similar experiences. Only managed to get to sleep at about 4 this morning and even then had a dream about miscarrying and blood.

I'm thinking of resigning today as well which I know is impulsive and probably stupid but I literally feel I can't cope with work on top of all this anymore. And in a long term way not a way that will be resolved by another few weeks off. I don't think that's as rash as it sounds, as it was very much how I was feeling before this mc. Just worried about wrecking my career on top of not being able to have children, and what I would actually do for money! Any ideas from others who have taken career breaks?

I re-watched season 4 of GoT in the end. Very distracting!

Flen and Cloud - really sorry to hear about your bfn. Very demoralising when you've put lots in to ttc and/or are used to it happening quickly. Fingers crossed it's a late implanter or you get lucky next month.

Baking - thank you for the update on Faith. Along with the others I continue to think of you regularly. Hopefully weaning her off the steroids goes smoothly this time. I heard the song 'One more step along the world I go' in church yesterday and you popped in to my head. Not sure what that's about but I thought I'd share.

Glad all our pg members are doing well. Hugs to those in the bleak time and hope and fertility vibes to those ttc. Sorry not to name check better.

bootles exactly. The month off. Our last mc was chromosomally normal, and all we have been offered next time is aspirin and weekly reassurance scans. As time goes by, I am starting to think more and more about how much MORE time would go by if we had another mc due to unknown NK cells though... So hard to know what to do.

Unmnetty hugs counting. It just sucks doesn't it. Glad you're feeling a little better this morning.

Gutted for you flen. Its made worse when you've put in such a sterling effort. I would be trying to brainwash myself that my body's done its job probably rejecting a duff one, but appreciate how difficult that is to swallow.