Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 18 - tests, treatment, trying again.

[bakingtins]

Buckle up, the threads move like lightening! Tea, sympathy, information, support and combined wisdom to guide you through the maze of testing and treatment for recurrent miscarriage. Newbies always most welcome.

Please start with the traditional recap of your stats.

Sorry your dp and mum have been so horrible to you jady.
My dh made out I was just turning on the waterworks to suit the argument the other day and it was horrible. He has since apologised but I felt really betrayed that he wasn't more understanding, so I know a little bit how you feel. Big hugs. I'm glad you are getting some counselling. I feel like this thread is my therapy sometimes, so don't be sorry for posting your feelings here.

Hope you're right loopy, and that this is your sticky bean. that would be lovely

I agree that is ok to not see your friend brummie. Your other friend has no right to guilt you like that. Completely out of order when she had no idea the emotions you are going through. Might be worth speaking to or emailing the pg one if you can manage it to explain the situation. I'm sure when your ready you'll be able to see her, but in the meantime it might help her understand and help you feel less guilty about it (which you shouldn't, but it's human nature)

I met my friend's 5 month old yesterday. It was actually fine. I think she's old enough now that it didn't upset me too much (despite her still being younger than the first one i lost would have been), but I'm definitely not ready to see the very new one my other friend had the other day. I have told her I'm not coming to see him yet. I think you just do what you think you can manage and explain the rest.

Hi all, hard to keep up.

My stats:
Me 41, DP 47
1 nearly 4 year old DS - straightforward pg

Mc 1) 2012, mmc, died 7.5 wks, discovered at 11 - erpc
Mc 2) 2013, not really a mc, but a TFMR at 13 wks - good scan at 8 wks, then bad scan at 12, she was one very sick baby with various problems. Found to be chromosomally normal.
Mc 3) Jan 2014, anembryonic, discovered at 8 wks, natural mc at 10 wks - Trisomy 22
Mc 4) June 2014, looked bad from the start, but slow HB seen, then slowly died over several scans - med management at about 9 wks, chromosomally normal.
Mc 5) Dec 2014, on full Coventry protocol for high uNK cells, looked great, good scan at 9 weeks, discovered it died just a few days later. Erpc, didn't get a chromosome result.

Seen by St Marys in London after Mc 3, who found nothing wrong, told me bad luck keep trying. Went to Coventry after no. 4 (which displeased Prof Regan) and diagnosed with high uNK cells - but the 5th failed too.

Was due to go back there yesterday to ask 77 questions but DS not well. Currently feeling v v frustrated and desolate about the whole bloody thing, and TTC again.

sebs The immediate aftermath is an awful time, but as others have said, just one hour at a time, and please keep talking to us - we have all been there x
twilight sorry you are feeling like it will never happen - I am feeling the same way. Despite them tel!ing you your age is an issue (!!) I would have thought age is definitely on your side. I hope Coventry help to move you forwards.

To add to the conversation about peoples responses to MC's...I feel a bit like the more mc's I have, the less support people offer. Only a few close friends know, and whilst I really do appreciate they have own lives, and their own difficulties, it does seem that the reaction is getting more distanced - a bit like they have seen me cope thus far, so expect me to cope further, and have long ago lost the thread of the possible cause, the theories, and the various appts. I find that difficult. I suppose I don't expect anyone to keep up with it, but definitely feel like other people are getting used to my MC's, even if I am not.

Bootles I really understand that. I had lots of looks of sympathy and quite a few of exasperation. Like I was doing it on purpose. When I think back, it's no wonder I shut out the world for a few months.

I actually slept last night thank god!! I was so bloody tired though I'm not surprised. Every time I wake the first thing I say in my head is 'the baby died'. I'm not sure why I feel the need to have that in my head straight away, I assume it's to protect myself incase I have a feel seconds of thinking I'm ok!

Anyway - sad stats

DS born Nov 2012
Ttc#2 July 2013. Stopped breast feeding Nov 2013 and fell pregnant Dec 2013 - MC naturally at 6 weeks. Fell pregnant April/May - numbers never went above 300 so MC naturally at what would have been 6 weeks-ish.
Fell pregnant December 2014, baby died at 11 weeks. Surgical procedure booked for next week.

Bootles I wonder if people think we should just stop trying? As though we are bringing on the heart ache ourselves by not accepting defeat and finding a hobby or something. That's definitely the impression I now have from some family.

Marking my place: Me 34, DH 35.

TTC #1 since 2009: Infertility issues on my side (DH perfect), tests, operations, lots of BFNs and failed treatments.

1st BFP following treatment in 2013. MMC at 10 wks Jan 2014 and a 2nd MC at 11 wks April 2014.

Currently 21 wks pregnant following subsequent fertility treatment with a baby boy. Very nervous something will go wrong.

I have nasty stomach pain for 3rd day running now so it's a trip to triage for me this morning. Meh! X

I definitely think that's the case for me sebs, like I'm never going to get there so why put myself through it? Well they can sod off because I did get there, as will we all.

Glad you slept, but sorry your thoughts were so bleak. Middle of the night is always the worst...

Another thread already, here goes;

1 x DH aged 4 conceived first attempt and straight forward pregnancy. Think used all my luck up with her.

Ttc from Jan 14
Feb- suspected cmc
Apr- EPU at 9 wks, measured 6 wks
Sept- Natural MC at 11 wks after scan at 7 wks and HB seen.

Current enforced break after issues getting referred after last MC. Should have had results appointment 19/2 but cancelled day before and now 12/3.

Oh and AF arrived today, marking 6 months since last MC. Need lots of mini eggs today! (Must be good, must be good)

Aaah Cat hope you are ok - hopefully triage can sort it out!!

bootles and Tanny I know exactly what you mean!!!! Again maybe this contributes to the dismissive feeling or people distancing themselves.

Now how daft is this ? I'm worried about work should I get pregnant in case I lose it again. I'm worried someone will say "for fucks sake, not again!" That you are bringing it on yourself.

I think because my mc's have been very close together I've had quite a bit of time off in 12 months. But I get 6 months full sick pay so rationally I know I shouldn't worry and just concentrate on getting pregnant and staying pregnant!!

With all the supplements I'm taking, acupuncture, counselling, consultant and Coventry - I think I'm feeling like I can face attempt number 4. (Once it's the right time of course!)

I feel like we are throwing everything at it and if it were to happen again I don't want to say "why didn't we try that" - so actually I'm seeing my bumped consultant appt as maybe a bit of a sign to go to Coventry as well.

Hell or maybe it's denial!!

Just marking my place!

Cat, I'm sure you'll be fine, but I'm glad you're getting checked out. Let us know how you get on. x

Brummie I like that fighting talk! I felt the same this last time, that if I did everything I possibly could and got myself physically and mentally prepared, I would have another shot.

Yes brummie!!! You have to keep fighting. It's so good to hear you talking like this. We'll be here every step. XX

Cat, hope you're OK. Let us know how you get on. I've still been getting occasional stretching type twingy pains, but mw said some stretchy pains are normal. She said worry if they 'stop you in your tracks', and obvs if there is any spotting. Thinking of you. x

Sebs, glad you got some sleep.
Waves to everyone.

I agree brummie, that fighting talk is good to hear, and soon you'll have coventry in your armoury too.

cat hope you're ok. Weird pains very normal but good to get checked out!

My garden has doubled in size since yesterday! We back on to some railway land and loads of other houses have ahem borrowed a bit to add to their gardens. No one has ever complained but I couldn't be bothered as have enough difficulty keeping on top of my little patch of garden. But the bloke next door is a landscape gardener and has often talked of fencing it off behind both our houses to make a communal play area for the kids. Some if his guys were out there yesterday and have cleared all the manky rubble and started the fence. Is going to be a cool wild space with dens and tunnels etc for the neighbourhood kids to play in so we can pretend we live in some bygone rural idyll rather than gritty London next to a railway line. Can't wait!

DH's halo has slipped today. He's taken the weekend off work due to the miscarriage but has somehow managed to plan for his parents (who don't know about the latest pg or mc) to visit this afternoon. Which requires cleaning the house this morning as it's a tip. Which resulted in a row about the fact that I never clean. Which is an (admittedly slight) exaggeration (we have different 'styles' of cleaning). So he's stomped off downstairs and is cleaning loudly and I've had a nice long shower and will now dry and straighten my hair. Fortunately he'll have to apologise first as its his parents visiting and he won't want us still cross when they get here. I know I'm being passive aggressive but ffs a visit from the (admittedly lovely) in laws. Grrrr.

Thanks Longest and March, it's almost like people think I'm over it now as I started back to work full time this week so there's a conspiracy to keep me down. Not sure if my mum is ill as she's accused me of stealing her engagement ring, I have no history of this type of behaviour and not even been there for over 6 months. Not the first time she's behaved like this, just makes me even sadder as she clearly has no idea how hurtful she's being or empathy for me. DP read my diaries from more than 15 years ago and is jealous of my ex's, absurd, but he realises this is his issue. He's going through a lot right now too.

I just want to go back into my bubble and mourn my losses. Think this sort of fits in with less support from people as time goes on. DP is my rock 99% of the time though.

Cat I hope the twinges aren't anything serious

Seb glad you got some sleep, makes such a difference to state of mind

Brummie I've had the same thoughts about work, but quite frankly I feel no loyalty to them at all. I stopped being paid on my phased return to work. Supposed to be on reduced duties which has meant nothing. To hell with what anyone at work thinks. Would be a brave person that voiced those opinions. That's their issue. I wonder how many people at work haven't planned or not already made their own family. I think fewer than those that have.

Something that has been in my mind is why would a developing baby die if there wasn't a chromosome/genetic issue? I've seen mentioned in people's descriptions above that no chromosome issue was found but yet the baby had lots of problems.

I swing from wanting an explanation that isn't my fault (right now I think the Bucks Fizz I drank to celebrate my birthday and the medium rare steak I ate killed it) so it might be comforting to know it had other issues. But then I think if it was genetically flawed maybe that's worse as the next one might be too?

I'm pretty sure the 5 week miscarriage I had early last year was my body being crap post breast feeding as I bled from the getgo. But with this one my body has done everything right. No bleeding at all, lots of symptoms. It really seems as though this time the baby just didn't make it.

I wish id asked what the heart rate was when I had my early scan. Maybe it was low end of normal and slowly it petered out. She just didn't mention the heart beat at all and it was only later that I thought in my sons early scan the sonographer had mentioned his heart rate was really strong.

Sebs, it does sound to me like it may well be genetic, but the chances of a second random genetic problem if you and your dh are clear is very, very small. It won't have been the bucks fizz or steak. Be kind to yourself. x

Jady I am sorry to hear that
I am afraid I would be a bit concerned about your mum's health. Unfortunately paranoia accusing carers or family of stealing is something that people with the early signs of dementia sometimes do. Does she live with your dad? Is he concerned? I am sorry, whatever the reason it's very upsetting for you and the last thing you need.

Sorry, I realised I misread and she does have history for this sort of thing. Maybe not dementia then but just as upsetting.

twilight grr to cleaning and accusatory dh. Will you tell your in laws what has happened? Is hard keep up a brave face.

Hmmmm. He's not apologising. Now we're just angrily cleaning round each other.

Sebs - I know what you mean about trying to find a reason. At the moment I'm mostly blaming the long trip up to Ireland I took at the time it died. Rationally though I'm sure it was nothing we did though. I've behaved immaculately in previous pregnancies and still miscarried. Hugs.

Jady - sorry to hear your mum is behaving a bit strangely. That must be really difficult on top of everything else.

Longest - your garden sounds lovely. How exciting! Not going to tell DH's parents. We're likely their only chance at grandchildren as SIL has no interest in kids at all and I think bad news upsets them more than it does my parents who have very close relationships with my nieces. Plus I feel like a failure as a DIL (which they have never ever done anything to imply but I still feel that way).

Twilight hall's do slip. Sounds similar to this house right now. DP is constantly saying about the mess and I'm looking around wondering what he's on about. Hope you enjoy their visit though.

Longest my stepdad did mention dementia a few months back, but it's hard to tell. I remember my mum accusing me of stealing a necklace in my teens, went on for weeks until she found it in her bed, then I was accused of sneaking it back. Then a few years back it was the family photo album. I might call my stepdad and see what he says. Just can't deal with it right now. But stepdad might be struggling to cope too.

That was halo not Hall btw.

Sebs i guess that's the million dollar question we all want, why did it fail. Blood clotting issues, progesterone, autoimmune, genetic/chromosome the list is endless. I really want foetus tested if it fails next time so that if it isn't chromosome the NHS will look into what else it might be. But so far they're saying they wouldn't. Hope you don't drive yourself too crazy with these thoughts, it's not your fault.

Hah Jady and Twilight I'm in the same cleaning camp as you!!! My DP gets really stressed about the cleaning.

We had a plumber come round this morning and DP got up earlier to scrub and clean tiles in shower cubicle and Hoover whole house. For plumber.

My view is as though there aren't dirty dishes etc out or clothes lying everywhere. What is the problem???

He gets properly stressed about it and I just look round and go "what mess"

Hugs jady. It's hard to know what think and I can see why it is too much to cope with right now.