Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread - Thread 17 - Tests, treatment and trying again

[Flower29]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats

Hugs brummie.

I had a similar moment after mc#2. The galaxy chocolate advert has 'Moon River' in it, which was our first dance, came on TV. It took me back to that first dance, a time of hope and pure optimism. I know idea about all that was to come.

You have new happier times ahead, I am sure, and when that beautiful but very tiring baby gets here you'll reminisce uni days all the more. Hang in there xxxxx

Brain fart!!! Meant to say I had no idea about all that was to come...

Hehe, brain fart made me laugh!

I am so sorry cloud. Each bfn cycle feels like a massive kick all over again. Everything crossed for your next cycle.

brummie I was at an old friend's hen do and it was a similar nostalgia fest with lots of music from our yoof! Plus much soberer and earlier finishing than any hen do I have been to in the past. Felt quite old!

flower are you unexplained infertility? Do you have a theory on it yourself? I'm unexplained but I think my 7 day LP is a smack-in-the-face-obvious problem myself. I've tried going gluten free, taking vitamin C and vitamin B6, acupuncture, Chinese herbs etc etc.

Daisy sorry you find yourself here, a ruptured ectopic sounds terrifying, and probably doesn't put you in the best place emotionally to make any big decisions right now, give it a little bit of time. I'm more or less 'out' about my mc's and the infertility, I don't hide it. People don't get it though, if they just got pg and then had a baby they have absolutely no idea how it feels to still be desperately trying to achieve that dream years later.

Baking I'm so sorry you're not seeing any progress, and I really hope they do start listening to you now. Are you getting plenty of support from friends?

Flen/brummie I have now come full circle and have stopped everything on my list apart from acupuncture! And I do still try to keep the wheat to a minimum and am pretty much tee total but not totally depriving myself any more. I started resenting it all, the fact that I was taking all these tablets, restricting my diet, going through years of hen dos and birthdays and weddings all sober, and spending all this money, and it still wasn't working, while others didn't even stop drinking and smoking until they got a bfp!

North do you already have a child? That will cut out some of the tests. I can't remember my fertility investigations that clearly as it was 2 years ago but you're likely to have day 2 and 21 blood tests to look at hormone levels, a dildocam to have a look inside, and an hsg to check your tubes (where they squirt the dye up then look via xray to see whether it's got everywhere it needs to go).

I also plan obsessively, it's what I'm known for, so I'm finding it incredibly frustrating to not be able to plan anything at the moment.

Nothing I like doing is compatible with continuing rounds of fertility treatment, so whilst my friends are signing up to races and planning biking weekends away and climbing holidays, I can't commit to anything at all as I don't know where I'll be in my treatment, or whether I'll be pg. And then it gets to a weekend where everyone's away having a great time and it turns out I'm not actually in the middle of treatment or pg, but I'm still missing out as I wasn't able to commit when it was organised and didn't want to waste the money that I wouldn't have got back if I had to pull out . I've been struggling more and more with this as time has ticked on as I scaled down my fitness training as we were struggling ttc, and now there's no point starting up running again as I'd stop for the next round of treatment, and I don't go climbing or out on big bike rides during the 2ww, so I'm so unfit I can't keep up when I do get the opportunity anyway. And meanwhile, DH's life remains unaffected by all this crap and he carries on training as usual, getting fitter and fitter while I just walk the dog and sit and knit and seethe . This absence of usual activity in my life also cuts out my entire social group, as this is what I do for fun.

Argh, sorry for the self pitying rant. It was confirmed at the clinic yesterday that the 2nd iui cycle failed. For all the reasons listed in my rant above I can't put my life on hold much longer for a dream that may never happen. I said after the 2nd mc that 3.5 years was my cut off. To get the ivf in before that and to try and retain some of my sanity, we've asked the clinic to go straight onto our one nhs round of ivf and forfeited our remaining iui. Fingers crossed if my cycle behaves and the clinic aren't full the week we're provisionally booked in, we should be all good to go in March. Already got the consultant and nurse appointments booked in .

cloud so sorry AF got you, it stinks when you get your hopes up .

brummie I hear you on the 'innocent times' I saw All Saints at V festival last summer and ended up in floods of tears, thinking that the teenager who sang along to these songs and always wanted babies had no idea of the years of pain it would take trying.

Hah Cat I wrote know first time as well!!!! But managed to realise what I'd done and spell correctly. T'was clearly the 2 large glasses of wine.

But it did make me feel wistful of a time when I thought I'd be married with kids (plural!) by 30. Because 30 was "old" back then.

Not struggling to carry 3 babies by 38. Yeah we didn't talk about that kind of scenario over jäger bombs in Manchester !

Sorry, feeling particularly raw this morning. Baby 2 was due this week and I was hoping good news from the iui would soften the blow. Instead I'm on bemyparent again, trying to accept that our child may be longer coming and won't necessarily come from my and DH's genes.

Thanks. I know it's early days, I've been surprised by this feeling of shame and guilt, seems to come from deep within. Wishing you all happier times ahead too xx

Oh Barking

You must feel incredibly raw. My 2nd due date is in March and I'm dreading it. I'm thinking of you xx

Cloud, sorry the witch got you. :(
Barking, sorry that you're feeling so raw, too. For the last few summers I've been half way between signing up for swimming events and training, and wondering whether it's a waste of money if something happens. Have you considered swimming events? You can't fall off and its low impact, so you can keep going all month. If you could do it outdoors (heated pools near you until the weather warms up?), it might do wonders for your health and state of mind? I have done lots of events with the great swim series www.greatrun.org/great-swim/. I'm giving you this information in the hope that your IVF will work and you won't need it.
Baking, hope Faith is doing OK today, and you're getting some medical expertise.
Waves to everyone, and welcome to newbies.

barking huge hugs. I am so sorry you got confirmation of a negative test, especially during such a difficult week.

Maybe signing up to a few things to look forward to would be a good idea. Sod's law says you will have to cancel but hopefully for a good reason.

Bit grumpy today. Meant to be meeting friends again for brunch as a continuation of the hen party but one by one they are dropping out. Feel bad for the bride. She agreed to stay in London to make life easier for those with kids but most of the rest of us had weekends away for ours so I tthink people should be making a bit more of an effort. Ah well, at least she enjoyed yesterday and thinking back the Sundays on the weekends away tendes to be hungover damp squibs too.

barking so sorry you're feeling low. It's awful what you've been through

just I can't sign up for any races as I wouldn't be fit enough to compete even if I was able to on the day. I have started swimming recently though. I'm considering joining the local triathlon club just so I can go to their swimming training with the thought that when all this is over I can start running again. The cycling club I'm in have started a weekly turbo session until the evenings get light and I've started going to that as they can't leave me behind when we're all sat in a church hall so my lack of fitness doesn't matter!!

longest that does sound rough on the bride if she went out of her way to accommodate them.

barking it absolutely fucking sucks, and it is totally understandable you are feeling raw and angry and sad. I can't imagine how much strength you must need to get through it. Hugs.

cloud sorry that AF has arrived. It's so frustrating when you've done everything "right" and it still doesn't work.

Barking, glad you've been able to get into some exercise classes. With the events, I used to train as if I would swim, but not actually pay up until a week or so before the event. I feel like anything I suggest will just be platitudes, as I imagine you must feel somewhere near rock bottom at the moment. I don't mean to come across as overly 'peppy'. Hugs to you.

barking, yes it is a families welcome brunch to accpmmodate naptimes too! Just a bit cross because when I was the only one with a baby I got a lot of eyerolls if I suggested a compromise option so dd has been to many an unsuitable restaurant at many an unsuitable hour but now everyone is so rigid and no one else's pfb can ever shift naptime or travel on the tube. Humph.

Big hugs to barking and cloud it's so hard to get past the crushing disappointment.

longest hope you have a nice brunch.

We are home again, Dh's sister drove down to help with our boys so we have resident paediatrician for the weekend. We have gone right back to the start in terms of drug doses and will speak to our consultant tomorrow. We've also had an apology for not listening to us and now have open access to the neuro ward rather than the stupid being passed around the houses system that means you never speak to the same person twice. The neuro ward is upsetting though, last time we were on renal because they were full, but at least you could tell yourself these desperately sick children bore no resemblance to F.

It didn't come across as anything but helpful just! My problem is that the events I really want to do generally book up really quickly (eg within 24 hours of entries being open) so there's no option to decide later, and they cost around £30-80 each and also involve booking travel, accommodation and time off work (like the etape - a bike sportive in France that my mates are doing this year and I really wanted to do with them).
I've spent over 3 years not being able to commit to events like this, which wouldn't bother me at all if I believed I was going to get pg as it would all be worth it, but a large part of me thinks I may well have nothing to show for the sacrifice, which just makes me more when friends I've done stuff with in the past have carried on until and through early pg, had a baby, and are now doing it again (on a smaller scale in many cases, and more local to home) while I'm doing less than them and still not even pg!!!!

Sorry. I really will stop ranting now! I think I'm struggling with the last 4 weeks of extra hormones and now going cold turkey on top of AF being here!! And being full of a stinking cold so I can't even go out on my bike!!!!

baking I was just wondering if you were home yet. Glad you've got family help, and also that they've apologised and given you a straight route back in. I can sympathise a small amount with how difficult it is to be on that ward though, my brother (30 years younger than me, adopted) was on a neuro ward for a while a couple of years ago, it was a scary place to be.

Sorry you're feeling so raw with your due date coming up barking and the confirmation from the clinic on top of that. So hard for you at the moment. I also remember how utterly awful I felt last month coming of the progesterone, so that can't be helping how you feel. I'm glad you have started to plan your ivf treatment for March. Sounds like a good plan and a good thing to focus on.
It sucks that you've missed out on some of the events you wanted to do. I'd be tempted to sign up to something just to invoke sods law!

baking, glad that you have finally been taken more seriously and that they are treating faith more directly now. Sad to hear that she's had to go back to square one with the treatment. I hope you will get a diagnosis of the cause soon. Hugs x

Baking- bless you and the rest of the Baking family. At least you've got the attention Faith needed in the end and hopefully the Consultant will be able to give you a better idea tomorrow.

Barking- totally sympathise on not being able to plan. The thorny issue of summer hols has come up as DD is due to start school in September so last chance to go out of term time. However I hopefully would be pregnant by then and don't want to leave country during danger time but then again it might not happened. Decided to go for head in the sand approach for now.

One positive thing I have decided is To sign up for a 5k race in July. Not really a runner but last time I started training properly I got pregnant with DD so reasoned it might happen again. Either that or I'll have to do the blooming thing ??

Welcome daisy and north but sorry you find yourself here.

baking sorry Faith is back on the same dose again. Glad that they are listening to you now and you have at least for direct access to the right people. I hope she will improve and you can start to reduce the meds again soon. Thinking of you all x

barking hugs to you, you poor thing, rant away as much as you like! It must feel like a real kick in teeth to do the right thing in forgoing the things you enjoy and then not being rewarded for it with a baby. I can completely understand you putting a time limit on trying for a baby as you said you need to plan (I'm like this too and always need to know what's going in my life, I need to feel that control) and you can't out your life on hold forever.

I hope you find the swimming and cycling (or spinning?) useful in getting back into fitness which also fits in with your plans.

cloud sorry af showed, be kind to yourself and believe it will happen soon

I've been feeling quite positive this week due to lots of positives which included...
I am being made redundant but have been very proactive in taking steps to set up my own company and start studying a new qualification which is all looking positive and quite pleased with myself for turning a bad situation good.
My bleeding from mc2 is now just light spotting and hoping hcg tomorrow will be negative, and I've managed to get away from the 'need to get pg asap' feeling I had after mc1 and now may even have a little break.
I had a good counselling session on mon.
We also might be selling our old house so would provide a nice little lump sum for us and we are going on hol next month. So lots of positives.
BUT last night I saw my friends and after what was meant to be a jolly evening with wine, takeaway etc, I came home and woke up today feeling quite shitty and isolated again.
The conversation consisted largely of who's pregnant, who's just had a baby, baby names, then even worse, it went onto people struggling to conceive. I say 'worse' because out of my 3 friends, 2 have kids with no problems and 1 I believe trying for her first.
Therefore they have no experience of any fertility issues or loss of pregnancies at all. And for them to talk so blatantly and have opinions about these sensitive subjects in front of me (without even acknowledging my troubles) really pissed me off, but more so was the phrase used, you'd think you'd just give up (regarding someone else)!! I don't mind if they want to talk about these things but they could at least acknowledge that it might be painful for me, and that they aren't really qualified to have an opinion based on their experiences . As my hubby said though, 'they are quite stupid sometimes though'.
It just made me realise they really have no idea, and I'm back to feeling isolated again. It really hurt when one of them highlighted that the other could get 'pregnant by the end of the week' (who has 3 children), well thankyou for pointing it out that it's so easy for some people and I can't manage to keep hold of mine! I would have just left but I'd been drinking and we were getting a taxi home together.

Sorry, didn't mean to turn into a big me me me rant!! Does anyone have any advice about tactful things I could say to get them to think before talking bollocks next time?

flower there's plenty I would have said to them but I don't think any of it could be filed under tactful, sorry! I'm very blunt and to the point. It tends to stop most people! If they are friends that you will be seeing regularly and this could happen again I'd either go for the direct approach when you see them individually, or send a link to a blog or article that says how you feel and hope that they realise their comments might be insensitive.

Thanks barking. The only thing I could think to say at the time wasn't tactful either. I don't see them all together that often, but 2 of them I see often individually so I'll mention it then. It's only when they're all together and talk amongst themselves they talk bollocks.