Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 15 - tests, treatment and trying again

[Justonemoretime]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats :)

Hugs Monten I think that is rather insensitive and I would be upset too. People who have blessings so easily are all too oblivious to the pain we feel

Longest I
totally feel you. I've been told all sorts of lines about how it happens to loads of people and how I should feel lucky I can get pregnant now. I fear truth is that most people want to find a single line to 'fix it' so we'll change the topic of conversation.

monten, I think it's perfectly natural for you to feel upset by this. Whilst I'm totally sure she didn't mean to do it to hurt you, she probably just didn't think, and she should have done.
I just think people who haven't gone through the difficulties you have are often completely unaware of how it makes others feel. Is there any way of talking to her about how things like this make you feel or talking to her OH? (Wasn't sure if it's your brothers wife or your OH's sister ). Sometimes people just need to be educated. Can't remember who it was but I seem to remember someone on here made a list to give to family and friends of things not to say, which sounded like a brilliant idea

Thanks. You're absolutely right, she would be completely mortified and upset if she knew she'd hurt me. People don't think sometimes but it's not their fault I guess. It was sasha's blog post about things not to say I think, and it was brilliant, you're right.

Urgh cats just been sick on the carpet!

Oh Monten it would've upset me too. People really don't think and that's what I've found out.

I'm feeling quite strange. In that I feel quite calm about what is happening. I suspect because I haven't started physically miscarrying yet (grateful for v v small mercies) that my body isn't aware of what's going on.

Why do I feel so calm??? Is it because I've been here before and know what to expect? I almost feel like I'm betraying my baby.

Or actually am I just numb with shock and after the procedure the crash in hormones will completely send me over the edge.

Why do I feel like this?????

Pizza, wedges and half a Terry's choccy Orange was like a Michelin star meal after nothing for 21 hours

Oh brummie. You might be in shock. And protecting yourself. I found I completely shut down, emotionally, between bad scan and procedure. It was almost like an out of body experience.

You may have a little crash after. Whatever happens though you will get through it. Just take it a day at a time. Don't expect anything of yourself. There is no should. However you feel/think/behave is fine.

The one good thing that's come out of this for me is that I've realised I'm quite brave and I'm proud of myself for that. And you're brave too, that's why you're coping so well. X

Survival mode, imo, brummie you just have to get through the physical however you can, and the emotion can come later. It has tended to be how I've reacted. It's no reflection on how much you loved or wanted your baby.

Monten yes you're right, people don't remember or realise that just because you're not wearing black or have a badge saying "I'm still bloody grieving", that things have not moved on, and that the triggers are only ever a click or a comment away...

I get quite a lot of "oh you're alright now" comments, which I find hard to process, as in my head and dreams I'm always only seconds away from losing the baby again.

Brummie I also experienced calm after a confirmed MC. Maybe I took comfort in the inevitably of it all, and after a while I think I expected my body to let me down.

brummie sounds like you are battening down the hatches and dealing with the limbo in the best way you can. Being very emotional right now won't make the next few days any easier for you, it sounds like your coping mechanisms have kicked in.
It is hard to predict how you might respond after the erpc. Initially, I have always felt a measure of relief, followed by a period of numbness. The grief tends to hit me acutely and unexpectedly but for short periods, and if I am honest, I think I have packed a lot of it away, waiting for the final outcome.
Give yourself some time, get help if you need it. Talk to your partner and the ladies here will see you through thick and thin.

marchgirl I think 'I'm on my own timescale' might be my new mantra, love it! I, too, have a close friend due within a couple of weeks of my 2nd due date, and others planning/are pg with/have already had their second baby who started trying for their first at the same time as me. It sucks!

monten you are definitely not being oversensitive, it's simply that other people just. don't. get. it. DH's dad lives abroad and when we visited this year (expecting at the time we booked the flights to be arriving clutching a 12 week scan and giving them the happy news) I got upset every time I saw the photos of all the grandchildren on the wall. There are no photos of us anywhere. My irrational take on this was that we didn't matter as we hadn't provided any offspring .

This thread fills up so quickly it takes me ages to read and then I can't remember who I wanted to reply to by the time I've caught up!

brummie I have absolutely everything crossed that you're in and sorted tomorrow. Is there another hospital you could go to if the farce continues?

The stats do indeed make for sobering reading. Here's to 2015 providing happy endings for all of us .

Sasha, sorry to hear you're suffering. Although you have to let grief take its course, it might be worth getting some help. I had some cognitive hypnotherapy last year to help me come to terms with everything, and I found it really helped. Hope you can find a way to move forward. x

sasha I didn't say it was working yet, just liked the suggestion in marchgirl's advice to you and thought I would give it a go . I know exactly where you are. With my first pg DH's best mate's wife was pg the same time. I took it very, very badly. I stopped going to the pub, I wouldn't go to any social event in case she was there, I basically became a hermit for a year (continued to avoid them after baby was born as well). I accidentally saw her twice during her pg despite my best efforts. Both times I ended up crying hysterically in the toilets. I also had a colleague at work who announced two days before my mc. I was so excited when I found out we were both pg and so devastated to watch her bump grow. I remember being taken home from the Xmas party last year in tears as I was sitting on a table with her stroking her bump and another colleague who was on maternity showing photos of baby. I burst into tears at the table. I'm now avoiding pg close friend as I cry every time I see her bump, but she keeps texting me saying she knows it's difficult but she really wants me to have a big role in the baby's life. I feel hideous about it but I just can't, I have to put my own mental health first .
I spoke to a counsellor as the fertility clinic provides counselling and my consultant pushed me towards it after the 2nd mc following the iui. She basically said I should be kind to myself, stop beating myself up about it, and if I didn't want to see these pg women then I didn't have to. It was bound to be difficult and why should I put myself in that situation if I didn't want to? She made my grief seem so normal rather than irrational it really helped. I didn't feel like I had to apologise for it anymore.
It's so hard not to become bitter. I'm now in my 4th year of trying for #1 and I can't make any plans at all due to the fertility treatment coming up. I can't book flights for a friend's wedding abroad as if the iui doesn't work we'll be in the middle of ivf. I can't book a big sports event with a friend as I won't be able to compete if I'm pg. The list goes on and on and I'm sick of feeling out of control. This is the last year though. If we're not pg by then, we're moving to adoption. I can't do this indefinitely.
I am desperately trying to think positively! Seeing a new acupuncturist on Weds and thinking of that as my first step forwards for the next round of IUI .
Don't beat yourself up about feeling raw, bitter or , it's normal. It's just about trying different strategies until you can find one that works to help you cope. Sometimes nothing will work and that's ok too. Be kind to yourself .

That was a rogue at the end of my post, not intentional!

Just wanted to post you a hug barking, you have been through such a lot.

Your counsellor's advice to be kind to yourself is very wise and I think it's something we can all follow more often than we do.

I still find it hard to see my nephew who was born a few weeks before my 1st should have been so I just went away for Christmas and keep a low profile. People just have to understand and fit in as far as I'm concerned.

Any news on the bed brummie?

So has everyone on this thread cat, but I'll take a hug if you're offering .
Got everything crossed for your scan next week, I reckon 2015 is your year

Still waiting to hear from Worcester. I could go to Kidderminster but that wouldn't be until Monday - if they have the space on the consultant list.

Barking and Sasha I get you completely. My colleague who I sit opposite is currently 16 weeks pregnant and she was so excited we were going to be pregnant together. I have to face her, every single day. That prospect actually frightens me far more than the ERPC.

I couldn't cope with MC number 2 and various fb baby bombs - how will I cope with number 3 and seeing her every day? It really frightens me.

My work have paid for me to have counselling after number 2, luckily I still have a few sessions left.

But I know I have to try and stay positive and forget about everyone else but I'm really frightened about how I'll cope

Brummie, hope they get you sorted soon! I really feel for you having to wait like this.
I think you've hit the nail on the head with the feeling of being scared of how you will cope with pg friends and colleagues. The idea can often be worse in your mind than in reality. When my sister was pg after my last mc I was so worried about seeing her and we talked about it openly over the phone, but I was very apprehensive about actually seeing her and her bump. As it was, it was OK (in the end I actually ended up helping delivering the baby when she went into labour early - emergency bathroom floor delivery), and she was really understanding - I actually found other people commenting on her bump and speculating whether it was a boy or girl (just randomers off the street). I just wanted to tell them to f*ck off and mind their own. Around the same time, I swear it was like there was something in the water at work, pretty much everyone was pg and new announcements were being made every week. I couldn't move for bumps. But I got used to them and I coped. It was always the unexpected ones, like running into people at the shops or fb scan photos (still really can't bear seeing those - turns my blood to ice) that would set me off. I did avoid some social situations when I just couldn't face it, but it wasn't the same reaction every time, and sometimes I was totally blind-sided when I thought I was doing OK. It really is a case of being kind to yourself and trying not to let it rule you (but taking the time you need on the days when it feels like it does).

Totally agree with Just, it's often the anticipation rather than reality that's the problem with me.

I might be the only one to do this but I ask everyone around me to treat me no differently than before as I've witnessed first hand how it has made others feel isolated when they aren't included. Yes it's made me face some situations I didn't want to and yes of course I've elected not to do certain things but it's been my choice and has helped me to get back some control which dreaded MCs take away from you. This has worked for me BUT we must all find our own way to cope, there is no set way x

brummie hope you get in today. Limbo, particulalrly when you don't know when it will end, sucks.
barking I totally get the need to put a time limit on ttc, but it isn't easy. Coping with other pregnancies is tough. The one that did it for me was downstairs neighbour, due the same week as my last mc. Actually decided to move as I didnt want to be looking down at them playing happy families in the garden. I only went to meet the baby once I fell pregnant myself. If you arent yet thinking positively then you are acting positively. It sounds like you have a pretty comprehensive plan, an agreed timeline and a plan b if plan a doesn't pan out. Spending a year sacrificing other things in the quest to have a baby will be tough, but at the end if it you will know you have thrown everything at it, and you might even have a wee bump.

Big hugs to all. Because I have dd I have never felt other people's pregnancies so acutely painfully but 2 of my close friends are due when my last edd was. They live round the corner and our dds are best friends and it was going to be perfect. It dawned on me that I could still have a bump by the time their babies arrived and it really calmed me and so it proved to be but I think I would be a total mess by now otherwise.

Just remember that when your baby eventually makes an appearance you will stop wishing they had arrived years ago as you will still have all the lovely baby cuddles to come. And I suspect another close friend who lives round the corner may be pregnant now so I guess I will share mat leave with her instead. It's easier to focus on the positives once there's more certainty. It's that horrible limbo that you're talking about that is soul destroying. Huge hugs to you all. X

brummie I hope they get you in today, the wait must be awful

Hugs to all who are having a hard time of it, most people just don't get it. My sil had a baby around the time I would have been due (mmc2) it was very difficult but thankfully everyone understood and didn't pressure me to hold him etc

Still haven't bought any maternity clothes although I did try, seems most shops don't sell them, I have to order online. I can see me going to work in my pyjamas Monday .

brummie any news?

Belle I reckon after trying for 4 years we will be able to say we tried and have no regrets, even if it's difficult to accept at first. At least, as you say, we already have an agreed plan B, so we will be able to throw ourselves into the adoption process at the end of it if it hasn't happened for us.

Hi purple it's hard to get stuff. The only shop I know of that does maternity stuff in store is Matalan. I know their stuff isn't the best but I got some black skinny maternity jeans from there that are ok. X

Wow, the thread has moved fast. Just a quick post to mark my place... me 31, dh 43, mc#1 feb 14, 7.5w (measuring 5.4); mc#2 aug 14, 8w bad scan, baby passed in following week, erpc 10w (trisomy 15)

Currently pregnant again (11w tomorrow), good scans at 5w, 8w and 10w, still absolutely terrified!

Happy New Year Charlie. Great to hear you're 11 weeks When's your next scan? X