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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Lost my baby at 35 weeks. So sad

61 replies

amyboo · 18/04/2012 18:41

The title says it all really. At my routinegynaecologist's appointment today I found out my baby boy (DS2) has died. No idea what has caused it yet. I'm going in on Saturday morning to deliver him, as joy of joys we're moving house tomorrow. DH and I are devastated. I just don't know how to even begin to get past this. 35 weeks of pregnancy with no problems and now this.

I don't know what I'm looking for really... Support I guess. Maybe someone who can tell me they've been through it and come out the other side. Just feeling so lost and sad.

OP posts:
Portofino · 18/04/2012 21:05

Amyboo, I am really sorry to hear this. I never remember MN names so not sure if we have met or not - but if there is anything at ALL that I or the other Belgian MNetters can do to help, you must not hesitate to ask. I will PM you.

chipmonkey · 18/04/2012 21:19

amyboo, you poor love. My dd died of SIDS at 7 weeks old last October. It's the worst thing that can ever happen but you will survive and we will help you to do that. Do join us on our thread xxx

amyboo · 18/04/2012 21:57

Thanks for all your kind messages. Some friends are helping us with the move and with DS1 (we live abroad - Brussels) which is good, as family can't really get here till next week. I'm just feeling very numb right now and want to get it all over with. Is it wrong that I don't want to take any pictures of him? I think I'd just find it too upsetting, especially as they think he died several days ago or more....

I also can't stop thinking about how much I want another baby. DS1 (2.1 years) is fantastic, but I was so looking forward to having another little baby. I just keep thinking about getting pregnant again. Is that wrong?

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 18/04/2012 22:01

None of the way you are feeling is 'wrong' - it is how you are truly feeling. Maybe ask the hospital to take a picture and then you can look at it when you want to. xxxx

CheeseandGherkins · 18/04/2012 22:09

I agree with Shabba, nothing about what you are feeling is wrong. Also, I think it would be good to have some photos just in case you want them. My dd2 was dead for a few days before being born too; we found out on the 2nd and she was born on the 6th. Her skin was peeling a bit but she looked like any other baby. Photos on my profile if you wish to see them.

We've just had anther girl too, all I wanted was to be pregnant again as soon as possible too. It's not wrong at all. Hugs xxx

chipmonkey · 18/04/2012 22:58

amy, I can't get pregnant again but I assure you that if I could be I would be. Not to replace dd at all, she's irreplaceable but I think to be able to hold, cuddle and smell a baby again would be lovely.

HomeEcoGnomist · 18/04/2012 23:13

No experience of this terrible situation, but wanted to send you & your family love and kind thoughts x

WhatDreamsMayCome · 19/04/2012 06:43

amyboo, I am very sorry. I am sure that many of us will be thinking of you on Saturday.

Thumbwitch · 19/04/2012 06:50

So very sorry for you, amyboo. What a tragic time it is for you just now. I can imagine that you don't want any photos of your DS just now - but it would still be a good idea to have them taken, even if you don't want to look at them just now, in case you decide later that you wish you had done.

You may never want to look at them - but you'll have them in case you do. Your other DS (and any other DC you may have) might want to see them too - they might not either - but again, you'll have them just in case.

(((hugs))) for you all at this very difficult time. xx

rudeawakening · 19/04/2012 06:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatevertheweather · 19/04/2012 07:39

Amyboo you will feel so many conflicting emotions over the coming months, please don't feel bad about any of them. Do think about asking one of the midwives to take some photos and just pop them in an envelope for you.

As for getting pregnant again, I think it's natural to think about that. Certainly in my experience most people who have lost a baby either during pregnancy or soon after have those immediate thoughts. Be gentle with yourself and remember you'll be flooded with hormones. I hope you've got strong family support. I will be thinking of you xx

chipmonkey · 19/04/2012 09:54

Amy, do get the pictures. A few people I have "met" online have said that they were too upset at the time to take pictures or hand/footprints but did regret it afterwards. Better to have them, just in case.

Vondo · 19/04/2012 10:05

Hey Amyboo
I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

I lost DS2 at 36 weeks in 2007. I went into early labour and when I got to the hospital that was when they discovered there was no heartbeat. He was born 17 hours later but it turns out had died a few days earlier. I felt the same as you and didn't want any pictures of him taken but I changed my mind and am glad I did. DS1 regularly looks at the picture of his little brother. Take loads of picture, hand prints, foot prints and hold him for as long as you want. I only have the photos and wish I had gotten prints of his hands and feet now too. I also wish I had spent more time with him but I didn't and that breaks my heart now.

I went on to have another DS in 2008 and he is just adorable. He was never a replacement for DS2 but having him has helped me get through the darks days. (((hugs))) and thinking of you and your family at this time.

fanjodisfunction · 19/04/2012 10:12

So sorry to hear you are going though this, its something that is so unexpected but so life consuming, it can be hard to understand what is happeneing.
My Daughter Ophelia was still born last April, her birthday will be next friday. I guess I count myself lucky as I didnt know she had died I went into spontaneous labour and found out she had died when I got to the hospital.
I didnt think of taking photos, it didnt cross my mind, but the midwife suggested it, she was so kind, saying how beautiful she looked, as she was laid on the bed to dress her. The midwife got a disposable camera and took a few pictures for us.
I could not look at them for a while, but now they give me comfort, they make me cry, but at least I can see her face I know what she looks like.
Dont force yourself, go with your emotions on the day, dont be forced into anything you are not comfortable with, but maybe try to think how you would like to remember your baby boy.
I have a memory box, with Ophelias pictures in, it has photos of me while pregnant. Also it has the tie my husband wore during her funeral. I also wrote a few pages in a book about her birth, I needed to write down how I felt about her. I felt I needed to acknowledge her.
We also have her footprints and hand prints, these are so precious to me. We are also lucky to have a lock of her hair.
I wear a locket around my neck with her picture and her hair in it.

I hope mn gives you the support that it has given me, it is sad to know that others have been through what we have, but it is also comforting that there are others who know what we are going through, they will not judge us for our feelings. They understand the different ways grief will take us.

If you find it all to much, please post on here, some one is always around to offer a hand to hold and a ear to listen.

Fillybuster · 19/04/2012 10:16

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss - my heart goes out to you...sending you much love and I hope you get lots of RL support as well as from the amazing community on MN.

fanjodisfunction · 19/04/2012 10:16

Oh I just wanted to quickly add, it is not wrong to want to have another baby. I remember a few hours after Ophelia was born, my husband and I discussed trying again as soon as we could.
It is not strange or wrong to feel this way.

chipmonkey · 19/04/2012 13:51

fanjo, are you already on our thread? Did you namechange?

pumpkinsweetie · 19/04/2012 13:56

Sad Im so sorry, ((hugs)) x

Tamisara · 19/04/2012 14:54

Amyboo It's natural/normal, to want to just get it over with.

To be honest though, this is such a shock, your feelings will be all over the place. There are things I regret, deeply regret, and wish I could have done differently. That's why I really think you should reconsider the photos. Even if you don't look at them, they will still be there... If you don't get any, you will never have another chance, so please consider it, even if you never look at them.

As for him looking bad. As I said Tamsin was macerated. She died on the Tuesday (we think), and wasn't delivered till the Sunday. But you know, she is still my daughter, the one I wanted, longed for, prayed for. I love her, and I can now look at the photos and realise just how beautiful she was. I don't show friends some of her photos. If you look on my profile I have photos of her.

Wanting another child is normal, but do remember you need to grieve xx

lola4lee · 19/04/2012 15:56

So very sorry that you are going through this.
Big Hugs xx

Purplehonesty · 19/04/2012 16:03

So sorry to hear of your loss Amy and wishing you strength on Saturday.
Will be thinking of you.

amyboo · 20/04/2012 08:00

Thanks everyone for your kind messages and thoughts. Its reassuring somehow to hear from people who have made it through something like this. I just want to get past tomorrow really and then maybe we can start to figure out how we get past this. DH and I thankfully are both pretty strong people and have been together since we were teenagers, so know each other very well and know that we can support each other well.

I'll be without internet for a couple of weeks as we move into our new house today (sold the old one yesterday), but hopefully when I come back I'll have the strength to come and join you on the bereaved Mummies thread.
x

OP posts:
fanjodisfunction · 20/04/2012 08:13

chipmonkey I used to be greenzebra.

amyboo will be thinking of you. Just go with how you feel. Lots of hugs being sent to you and yours.

scater · 20/04/2012 10:07

I just wanted to add my love and thoughts. Our daughter was stillborn two weeks ago, it is a hellish thing to go through. You sound very like my husband and I. Ee have been together for 17 years and this was our first pregnancy. Initially we thought we wouldn't want to see her or have photos but in the end we spent a number of hours with her and the hospital provided us with a memory box.
Having just been through the labour, I know you will be dreading it, its like a horrific hurdle to get over before you can think about grieving. But you will get through the labour. Please remember that every feeling you have and every decision you make is the right one for you.I am sending you love and strength.

chipmonkey · 20/04/2012 12:06

Ah, I knew someone had lost an Ophelia. Beautiful, beautiful name.
Amyboo, thinking of you xx