Tips for coping with the practicalities of miscarriage

[comeonbishbosh]

I?ve just had mc2, which has been emotionally more upsetting than mc1, but I coped a heck of a lot better on the practical side of managing it. And I realise that through the pregnancy books are full of tips on what types of sweets to pack in your hospital bag for labour, we?re pretty short of simple tips to make the sheer yuckiness of going through a miscarriage a little more bearable. I know there?s going to be big variations in people?s experience, and this is in no way to overrule any medical advice you get. But at least it might be a starting point.

For info, I had mc1 8 months ago, didn?t realise I was pg at the time (just come off breastfeeding DD, had massive problems conceiving before) but was probably 8-12 weeks. Didn?t realise it was actually a mc until a lot of mess later. MC2 was a few days ago, had a bit more notice as knew I was 8 wk pregnant, had been increasingly bleeding, and knowing a bit more what it was like through mc1. Neither time I needed to go to hospital.

So, this is what I would suggest helps from my experience, all offered as suggestions that may or may not apply to your situation!

1. Once you realise the bleeding has started in earnest, get home as soon as you can. You will probably need to sit on the loo for the next 1-3 hours, and that?s far nicer to do in the comfort of your own home.

2. If you need to travel in a car, sit on a plastic bag. (My 1st mc started at work, and by the time my DH came and picked me up in the car I had bleeding all down my trousers... it?s not glamorous).

3. Cancel everything, get childcare if you need it. The first time in the midst of the bleeding I tried to keep going, a builder came round to give me a quote for some work, DH went out on a pre-arranged cinema trip and I was putting DD to bed on my own. However hard it is to get a builder to quote, this was stupid priorities! Also, I now know best not to be left without another adult within shouting distance.

4. Settle in for the long haul. My mc2 was overnight, and I essentially camped out in the bathroom with magazines, world service on the radio, short scurries downstairs to make a hot chocolate. It was still horrible. But not unremittingly so.

5. Hot water bottles or hot wheatbags are great. And painkillers.

6. Get top quality sanitary pads, supersize. The maternity ones might be good for the first few hours if you can?t just sit on the loo, but they will make you miserable with their ungainliness. This is not a time to economise on the cheap versions.

7. If your mc kicks off at an evening or weekend, I found phoning my GPs ?out of hours? service loads more helpful, straightforward and kind than I have ever found NHS direct.

8. If take a pg test when you are miscarrying, it should come out positive. This is useful if, like me on mc1, I didn?t know I was pg at the time.

9. Take more time off work than you think. You are very much allowed to mooch.

Please do add any more tips. It goes without saying that I hope you and I never need these (again)?

to all of you. Rtft as visiting a friend tomorrow who has just miscarried. Any helpful tips on what NOT to say / do? She knows I am bringing my baby with me, worried how she will cope.
What sort of little gift could I bring her? Flowers are obvious, I liked a PPs suggestion of make up but my friend doesn't often wear it. Jewellery - too personal perhaps? What about a tree/plant for garden to remember the baby by?
Thanks in advance.

Love how far along was your friend? I would avoid saying:
At least you know you can get pregnant
You can have another
There was probably something wrong with it anyway
At least you weren't further along

What I have really appreciated is people saying how unfair it is. How it's so shit that it happened. That I need to let myself feel however I want to right now and I need to be kind to myself.

And if possible I would follow your friend's lead about how she is around your little one. I thought I would find it hard to be around my friends' babies right now but they're all so lovely I've enjoyed having a cuddle. You friend might find it hard though so don't force your little one on her.

I wouldn't worry about a gift tbh- maybe some nice chocolates but having something to remember the little one by is such a personal thing. Maybe a little further down the line you could send a card saying you're thinking of her. A girlfriend has just sent me a very sweet card along those lines and it's made me feel much less alone.

Thank you smells

Hi girls hope I can join. I spotted at week 5-6. I had a scan at week 6 and a heartbeat was picked up. It was such a relief!

To give you a bit of background, I had pancreatic surgery in 2011 for a tumour. I was 21 at the time and they removed 80% pancreas and my spleen. It's been such a tough journey since then, health has been all over the place, recurrent infections and severe restless leg syndrome etc. It has literally taken me to now (4 years later) to finally begin to feel 'normal' again where I can work full time and lead more of a normal lifestyle. My husband and I had been thinking about starting a family for a while but I was very apprehensive. Finally felt brave enough and it felt like a miracle when I got my BFP on my first cycle. (I was also told I might have PCOS).

Back to the present - I would've been 12 weeks today. Was diagnosed with a multi drug resistant UTI on 8 Dec and started oral antibiotics on 27 Dec. 5 days later I didn't feel any better and came into Hosp for IV antibiotics. Treatment was tricky given the pregnancy but I started a regime and was told I would need to be on IV antibiotics for about a week. There would be a risk to the baby's hearing but we weighed this up against leaving the infection untreated and body going into early labour. Yesterday morning, out of the blue, at 8.57am I was told I needed to go down for a scan at 9am and was quickly ushered to the ultrasound dept. My 12 week scan was booked for Friday coming but turns out this was to check the kidneys. The lady that took me down made me think it was for the baby though and I felt chuffed that they were fitting me in earlier given the infection. The sonographer was nice and said she would check the baby too and it could cover the dating scan if I liked but I said I would like to keep Friday's appt so my husband could be present. She said she would check the baby anyway to give me some reassurance. unfortunately she couldn't see a heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing at 8+4. Totally gutted. Can't describe how i am feeling.

I've decided to go down the medical route as without my spleen, the risk of infection is higher with the D&c. I don't think I could manage another infection. They wanted to get on top of the infection first but have agreed I can have the tablet today so just waiting on it being administered. The odd thing is that last night I started getting cramping and slight bleeding. How odd is that given that the scan revealed no heartbeat just yesterday morning? Bearing in mind that I should've been 12 weeks today and it stopped growing at 8+4 so for 3.5 weeks I thought it was ok when it wasn't? Someone below posted that they felt tricked and that's exactly what I'm struggling to get my head around. I feel I should've picked up that something wasn't right.

I found this thread very helpful. Thank you

I've never posted before but found this thread so useful. Currently suffering mc3 after having two previous miscarriages before the birth of my DS. Very frustrated as I was diagnosed with a short luteal phase after first two miscarriages, put on progesterone to lengthen cycle and continued into first trimester when pregnant with my DS and that seemed to do the trick.

Had a very difficult birth which resulted in a very quick c-section and about a year afterwards my periods became very painful and debilitating and we were looking into possibility of adhesions when I fell pregnant again. Can't help thinking there is a connection!

Had a second early scan booked for tomorrow anyway so will be able to check what's happening then but still awaiting the worst bit and the cramps are just awful.

Have swapped from paracetamol to co-codamol which is helping but this mc is so much slower than the previous ones. Started bleeding at 7+3 with this one, mc1 was at just on 11 weeks and mc2 at 6 weeks. Am on progesterone with this pregnancy again so perhaps that is delaying things but don't want to stop until the scan.

Fed up to be back at square one as I don't believe they will count this one as recurrent as had a successful birth in between - makes me feel like I'd like to contribute to trials or something to help with research so it doesn't all feel like a waste!

Knowing you are not alone and seeing all the helpful advice has made things much more bearable. Feeling very lucky to have my DS!

Sending love to all who experience this or are still going through it x

I thought I'd mention terminology.

A miscarriage counsellor referred to a 'hidden' miscarriage rather than a 'missed' miscarriage. It has helped me a lot to think of my body hiding the signs rather than me missing something.

It's a few months on for me, but thank you bony the idea of hidden is so much better X

Me too Ellie but I was chatting to a someone who happens to be a counsellor last week and it really struck a chord.
I'm glad it has helped you too.

At the moment every few days it just hits me and I find myself unable to cope, I'm usually such a strong person

I just find myself wanting my baby back and I know it's not possible but emotions/hormones are going crazy

I'm fed up with feeling like I just want to scream xx

Hey ladies,
Thought I'd check in. So I would have been 25 weeks this week, and the first of my group of friends is due to give birth any day, then 4 weeks later another one, and 4 weeks later another one, then it should have been me.
I am so so happy for them, but even 13 weeks down the line I am still distraught.
I just want it erased from my memory, the women I am close to, are very supportive but they are happy and in their little pregnant bubbles and I can't bring them down, so have started to isolate myself and that in turn is making me worse, even my little girl is seeing a difference in Me.

I just need to "get over it" to an extent and I'm sure in a week when I've held my friends little one some little part of me will let go, but still I well up thinking about it.

Is this normal?? This long past? X

It's normal to have mixed feelings for sure

I lost my baby at the same time my husbands employee was going through issues with her baby

Her baby is now fine (thank goodness) but her baby will be born a few weeks after ours would have been

Do I envy her - yes I do, that's awful of me to admit. I would never wish any harm to her or her baby but yes I'm jealous

The best advice I ever heard was be kind to yourself, I find this hard but I'm trying x

It's especially hard when close friends have newborns/are heavily pregnant.

I've realised there are no right or wrong feelings here, you feel what you feel.

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for 'anniversaries' after having a shitty week 3 calendar months after it all happened. We're going away with DS for what would have been my due date in May. Maybe the grief will get easier after that?

So difficult

I really hope it does for you bony xx

Thanks.
You too Ellie.

It's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with

I am trying TTC now and that is filled with so many feelings it's untrue

Have you had any counselling Ellie? I've had a few informal chats (woman who runs DS's playgroup is a counsellor) and it helps to release feelings to someone neutral.

How are you feeling about ttc?

This thread is so useful, wish I'd found it yesterday. Currently having a miscarriage at 5wks, despite an appointment with a very sympathetic GP yesterday I got home to realise I had no clue what to expect. There's lots about why miscarriage happens but not what actually happens/you feel.

I bled heavily through the night it seems, after spotting yesterday morning which gradually increased. Pain has been uncomfy but bareable. I've had some dizzy spells this afternoon and a bout of diarrhoea this evening. (Because I wasn't feeling rubbish enough!). I'm hoping it all goes as smoothly as possible, if I have to go to the EPAU/hospital I'll be alone as DH will need to stay with DS (no family nearby and no local friends I'd feel comfortable sharing the circumstances with). My DH has been amazing but I still feel very alone in many ways, but don't want to reach out as nearly everyone I can think of approaching is pregnant...

I'm currently waiting for MC#3, suspected blighted ovum finally confirmed at 4th scan yesterday, I'm 11 weeks.

MC#1 also happened at 11 weeks and I experienced both my waters breaking and labour pains, I'd had some light spotting and cramping but really wasn't expecting to MC. So my advice is plan for the worst case scenario and do whatever you need to make yourself as comfortable as possible. MC#2 was at 5 wks and was more like a painful period. I went back to work after 3 days, it was far too early. About 3 wks later I realised that I didn't have a clue what I'd been doing since I'd been back, I was basically a bum on seat, mind elsewhere.

Am waiting for an EPRC appt after 4 weeks of uncertainty so have found the tips on that useful.

I recommend stocking up on Tena Lady Extra and Tena night pads. You might feel a plonker buying them but I found the packaging less annoying than the maternity pads and the shopkeeper is less likely to have a pg-related conversation with you (a deep seated fear of mine) and they can handle a lot of blood. Also stock up on incontinence sheets, great for sleeping or sitting on as leaks can still happen.

Hope everyone else is doing ok and had got the support they need at the moment x

Bump

Am waiting to miscarry after scan at 7+ 5 showed empty sac. Booked for erpc on tues but aware it may happen before.

All these stories and advice have been invaluable: I have a bag packed, stocks of wipes and pads and I feel at least a little prepared for what might happen.

This thread has been very useful for me following a complete miscarriage on Tuesday. TBH I think I'm glad I didn't see this thread before it happened though as I just went with what I was facing without too much over analysis on what might be happening, helpful given my geographical location at the time.

So my story...
Light bleeding started a week before the MC with very light cramps after evening meals for the last three days. Repeated calls to midwife assured me not to worry too much and I put the cramps down to indigestion as I eat rather large portions for supper!

Thought I should take weekends easier as I'm normally very active as I own a horse. I partially achieved this with support from DP (I assume this is Darling Partner?) but I had one slip that I can't help but kick myself for. I received a delivery of small haylage bales Sunday (bales each weight 30kg+) and regrettably I lifted a few after being teased about not being strong enough. Can't help but now think that this is linked.

Anyway, dating scan happened Monday when I was expecting to be 12+2; healthy, very wriggly foetus found with heartbeat and all body parts present so massive relief. Foetus was a little smaller so advised I was probably only 11 weeks along. Asked again about bleeding and told that unless I was going through two pads a day and suffering unbearable cramps then I wasn't to worry.

Based on this advise I shared the scan photo with my family, thought I'd got away with the lifting and merrily made a four hour journey for a construction site visit with work the next day armed with one panty liner in my usual overnight bag.

Overnight suffered excruciating cramps but had a bout of diarrhea and vomiting after which the cramps stopped and I could sleep so I put it down to something I ate.

Next day I had mild cramps in the morning but nothing I couldn't breathe through. Bleeding was getting a little worse so I got a pad out of the dispensing machine in the ladies - boy was I relieved to find that machine there as I often go to sites that are only occupied by men so it was usual to have a separate ladies toilet, let alone a dispensing machine!
Mid morning we then went out for the site visit. About 15min in I felt a feeling of warm liquid down below. I'd only been to the toilet just before leaving the offices so I hesitated going back to the toilet again so soon, however I swallowed my pride and asked to be pointed in the direction of the toilets.
The key for the site toilet was found and as soon as I had peeled off my massive jacket and overalls and sat down I felt a gush. Not knowing what was happening I was rather thrown but after a few gushes I thought perhaps it was over so I filled my knickers with toilet roll, cleared up as best I could, put a brave face on it and left the safe haven of the toilet.

I decided that I should go to A&E since the scan nurse's triggers had well and truly been met so whilst the Safety Advisor (thank GOODNESS this was the first female Safety Advisor I'd worked with on a project!) was sorting out the arrangements I went back into the office block, got another pad out of the dispensing machine and had another short spell on that toilet at which point a few more gushes came out.

This is turning into quite a post, sorry, however I think I'm finding it quite therapeutic so I'm going to keep going, feel free to scroll on by.

After a nerve wracking wait whilst we worked out which hospital to go to we set off on the 60min journey to the bigger Norwich hospital with me still wearing my site overalls to cover up the "incident" and sitting on my waterproof jacket for fear of marking the seat material .

More waiting ensued at the hospital and after 1hr waiting for triage I was given two pairs of delightful hospital knickers and four pads. Bloods and urine were taken but I couldn't be fitted in for a scan until 18:40 so I was advised to go home and get scanned at my usual hospital. I got on the phone and was booked in for a scan the next afternoon.

Not the nicest four hour journey home, we even stopped for a pub meal on the way back for which I kept my site overalls on as they hid the evidence a lot better than my normal trousers which hadn't stood up to the experience very well.

That night I suffered more cramps but this time had the comfort of a hot water bottle to ease them.

Next day I didn't really do anything apart from wait. Scan eventually arrived at which point I was informed that I'd suffered a complete miscarriage. I was gutted and couldn't believe how quickly things could change - one day a very lively and what appeared to be healthy foetus, next day it's all over .

I'm dreading my due date rolling around, as well as my niece's 2nd birthday party in two weeks time and of course the mothers day adverts on TV aren't really helping. However, things weren't meant to be so I'm holding on to the small comforts such as it being a complete miscarriage so I didn't have to choose what to do next or go back to hospital again and also it sounds like the pain I suffered wasn't anywhere near as bad as others', perhaps because it all happened so quickly and didn't have to be medically triggered in any way.

Wednesday I think I was numb whereas yesterday I was up and down all day, perhaps due to the 2 day hormone thing that others have mentioned. Now I just need to get the lifting out of my head and perhaps I'll be able to move on to TTC again. I'm just gutted that we've got to start all over again and I know that any future pregnancies will be missing the excitement that we were just starting to let ourselves feel with this first one.

Sorry again for the length of this post (a record?!) but perhaps my experience will help someone else out there in some small way. I know this thread has really helped me to know that I'm not alone in the terrible experience that I've gone through.

This thread was a huge help to me as I prepared for my miscarriage three weeks ago. Thanks to everyone who posted advice and openly (bravely) shared their stories. It's terrible to find yourself here, but knowing you aren't alone is such a help.

I want to now contribute to the thread, I'm not sure I can pass on anything that hasn't already been covered but I want to 'do my bit'.

Context - I miscarried at 9w, scan showed fetal growth stopped around 6+5. Spotted for two weeks before miscarriage properly started, hence the scan. Miscarried at home.

1. Buy good large pads. I used nighttime long. During the worst bleeding I sat on the loo, but this can start to hurt your legs/back if it goes on for endless hours. My bleeding turned into a normal heavy period after two days of 'pouring'.

1. Be prepared to pass the sac. I had no idea that might happen until I read it here (thank you!). Thank goodness I was prepared because I delivered an intact, recognisable sac and placenta. Have a plan in your mind as to what you will do with it so you don't panic. I discussed with DH and when it happened we followed that plan. Passing it felt like a balloon or bubble coming out, but actually didn't hurt. The pain immediately decreased once the sac was out.

1. I had sessions of what I assume were contractions. They hurt. Paracetamol and ibuprofen took the edge off but my hot water bottle was a godsend. Keep it hot.

1. Wear two pairs of knickers to feel more secure. I saw on here leggings also can work, I didn't have any so double-pants was my approach.

1. Take enough time off work. I went back after a week. It was too early, I was still like a zombie. A few more days would have been wiser.

1. You can do this. It's scary, and terrible, but you will get through it. Take care of yourself in every way you can think of. Food, nice drinks (stay hydrated), films, TV, comfortable clothes, whatever it takes. I struggled to read as I couldn't concentrate so watched a lot of films, on the sofa with a blanket.

1. Trust your gut feeling if things seem to be not going well (excessive bleeding, temperature etc) and get medical help. Speak to DH/DP and explain what is happening, ask them to watch out for you.

to anyone who is going through this now,or in the past. You are not alone.
X

Thanks for this thread. This is my second mmc but I had an erpc with my first. This time I have started bleeding and I had no idea what to expect. Sorry you're all here too

Hello everyone - MNHQ here.

Big hugs/ to everyone on the thread; we hope you're being well looked after if you're going through this at the moment.

We butting in because we've had a request to 'sticky' this thread within the Miscarriage/pregnancy loss topic, so we thought we'd ask what you all thought.

We very rarely permanently pin threads in this way, but we see from the posts on here that lots of you have found this thread very useful, and that it might be helpful to have it signposted for those who find themselves here while they're miscarrying and looking for information.

Could you let us know what you think?

Thanks
MNHQ