Tips for coping with the practicalities of miscarriage

[comeonbishbosh]

I?ve just had mc2, which has been emotionally more upsetting than mc1, but I coped a heck of a lot better on the practical side of managing it. And I realise that through the pregnancy books are full of tips on what types of sweets to pack in your hospital bag for labour, we?re pretty short of simple tips to make the sheer yuckiness of going through a miscarriage a little more bearable. I know there?s going to be big variations in people?s experience, and this is in no way to overrule any medical advice you get. But at least it might be a starting point.

For info, I had mc1 8 months ago, didn?t realise I was pg at the time (just come off breastfeeding DD, had massive problems conceiving before) but was probably 8-12 weeks. Didn?t realise it was actually a mc until a lot of mess later. MC2 was a few days ago, had a bit more notice as knew I was 8 wk pregnant, had been increasingly bleeding, and knowing a bit more what it was like through mc1. Neither time I needed to go to hospital.

So, this is what I would suggest helps from my experience, all offered as suggestions that may or may not apply to your situation!

1. Once you realise the bleeding has started in earnest, get home as soon as you can. You will probably need to sit on the loo for the next 1-3 hours, and that?s far nicer to do in the comfort of your own home.

2. If you need to travel in a car, sit on a plastic bag. (My 1st mc started at work, and by the time my DH came and picked me up in the car I had bleeding all down my trousers... it?s not glamorous).

3. Cancel everything, get childcare if you need it. The first time in the midst of the bleeding I tried to keep going, a builder came round to give me a quote for some work, DH went out on a pre-arranged cinema trip and I was putting DD to bed on my own. However hard it is to get a builder to quote, this was stupid priorities! Also, I now know best not to be left without another adult within shouting distance.

4. Settle in for the long haul. My mc2 was overnight, and I essentially camped out in the bathroom with magazines, world service on the radio, short scurries downstairs to make a hot chocolate. It was still horrible. But not unremittingly so.

5. Hot water bottles or hot wheatbags are great. And painkillers.

6. Get top quality sanitary pads, supersize. The maternity ones might be good for the first few hours if you can?t just sit on the loo, but they will make you miserable with their ungainliness. This is not a time to economise on the cheap versions.

7. If your mc kicks off at an evening or weekend, I found phoning my GPs ?out of hours? service loads more helpful, straightforward and kind than I have ever found NHS direct.

8. If take a pg test when you are miscarrying, it should come out positive. This is useful if, like me on mc1, I didn?t know I was pg at the time.

9. Take more time off work than you think. You are very much allowed to mooch.

Please do add any more tips. It goes without saying that I hope you and I never need these (again)?

A great idea for a thread but my experience of miscarriage was quite different - there is no way I could have coped with it quietly at home. One was a mmc so I knew it was coming, the second happened very suddenly. Both resulted in me losing consciousness and being hospitalised. I don't want to scare anyone but try to have somebody with you and be prepared to dial 999 if the blood loss is severely extreme.

to anybody who hoes through this in any form.

Thanks to all of you brave ladies who have shared your experiences. It's a terrible thing that anyone has to go through this.

I found out yesterday at 10 weeks that I have had a missed miscarriage and that the baby stopped growing around 8 weeks (we had a positive reassurance scan at 7 weeks). Saw my EPU this morning and I've opted for medical management though they can't administer the first drugs until Sunday. It seems ages away and I hope that things happen naturally before then. I'm dreading it but I just want it over so I can move on.

This thread has really helped me prepare for the worst case (there's such a range of experiences) and I'm very grateful.

Ababsurdum, I hope things happen naturally before Sunday, as like you, I wanted it over so I could just move forward with lift. So sorry, and I wish you all the best. Make sure you rest as much as possible and be kind to yourself

Thank you Shark, I'm so sorry that you have been through this too. Still nothing here unfortunately.

Thank you to whoever bumped this thread on Monday.

I had a scan on Monday after bleeding from Friday. I was 11w and had MMC at 8w. As the foetus was just 6w I had to wait a week for a further scan where they would then discuss management. I was never told what to expect other than to go to A&E if I was in pain.

Thank God I read the first few posts on Monday evening, as I delivered naturally on Tuesday night. If I had not seen this thread I would have gone to A&E and our baby would be in some hospital clinical waste bin.

Instead we went through this together at home, I was not afraid, and we were able to rescue and bury our baby.

Thank you all for sharing.
[Flowers]

Hi all. Thanks for bumping. Been reading & preparing since Mon. Had medicine 90 mins ago to induce it but they let me come home. No signs yet... Stocked up on co-codamol and lady nappies. Bless my mum she brought round uber thick panty liners my incontinent Nan used before she died. :-/

Irispurple - so sorry for your loss. Can I ask practicalities? I've got a magnolia tree I've earmarked to plant both mine. Was it obvious what it was? Did you put it in anything? Sorry if that's an insensitive question. Xxxx

Hi Ranchgirl I hope you're OK and that the medicine is working.

I am happy to answer questions as I had no one to ask. Mine was just 6w old so I had to wait a week before a further scan (next Tue) before I could have any intervention. Thankfully mine happened naturally the night after. I had contractions - like severe period pain that came in waves - then I delivered something about half the size of my palm. It had placenta attached. Straight away the pain stopped. I wrapped in toilet paper, but anything biodegradable will do. Just make sure you dig as deep as you can and possibly cover with stones before putting the soil on top.

Please note that every woman seems to have had different experiences, but I hope mine helped. If you do pass the sac and contents it should be obvious.

Mine is buried in our communal allotment under the holly bush marked by a stone. I am so thankful we were able to do this.

Best of luck. Xxx

Thanks Iris. Advice was really helpful. It's such a relief to be able to come on here.

Medicine is working for poo & vomit mostly (sorry tmi!)

Bleeding has started and cramps are coming in waves. DH is on hand to stroke back, sympathise and be a rock as usual thankfully.

I had a scan two weeks ago, then another Monday so they've been in there at least 4 weeks but Cyclogest pessaries have been delaying miscarriage.

Had co-codamol this aft but have been violently sick so pain killers will have to wait. Have second dose of medication to take in an hour. Round two

Sounds like it's coming, keep going!

BTW I had no painkillers because I was told to behave as if I was pg until my next scan! Mine was inside for 2w. My husband was with me stroking my back too. Sounds like yours is just as wonderful as mine.

X

He is. Words can't describe how much.

All gone quiet. Pain stopped (it was utter agony). Other symptoms stopped.

Taken second tablets and awaiting more...

In that case you will grow even closer together through this experience as we have.

I won't get much chance to go back online for a while but I will be thinking of you. Fingers crossed the next stage will happen quickly then you can begin to recover. Xxx

I am sobbing writing this. I just wasn't expecting it to be like this.
I knew something was wrong, went for a scan at EPU 11 weeks 5 days today (yesterday now) they ended up doing an internal ultrasound I knew then it wasn't good news.
The bleeding got worse and then I had to go and talk through my options.
I decided to go home to decide as couldn't think straight. When I was leaving the hospital I felt something drop in my knickers, went to the toilet and it was the sac
I saw my babies little hand, it had died 2 weeks before.
I wish I had prepared myself, I wish I had read these threads. Instead I had to decide whether to flush or pop in clinical waste.
I hate my choice, I put my baby in a bin.
I should have brought it home and buried it - no matter how early that was my baby.
I know my partner and little girl will help me, but it's so awful.
I feel lucky that most of my stuff has passed, the internal must have dislodged it all, but also feels less real.
Just 24 hours ago I was still thinking of baby names, now I'm thinking how will I survive this week, this month, my due date - May 4th?
I know it will get easier, but it's not fair.
I am hoping this "rant" will allow me to sleep, as I am so drained, but brain is in overdrive.

Thank you all for sharing your heartbreak, it has helped me, not feel alone. X

Sah1987 I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's so terribly sad. Can you wake your dp for a cuddle? I found out Tuesday that I had had a mmc and although I've been bleeding lightly for a day nothing else has happened yet and I don't start my medical management until Sunday and Tuesday so I'm feeling very in limbo right now.

Please don't feed bad about putting your baby in the bin. It was just the physical remains, your baby will remain forever in your heart and that's the important thing.

Wishing you lots of strength to get through the next few weeks, be kind to yourself

Sah I'm so sorry. I had thought so much about what to do with my sacs when I passed them. I too thought about burying them under a tree. But my DH was concerned about how heartbroken I would be as were planning on landscaping our garden in a few years (it's a jungle!).

When I passed them, a wave of understanding came to me; they weren't my babies. They were cells and blood my babies had used for a while. We buried my Nan the day we found out I was expecting (via ICSI) so in my heart I like to think she knew and is looking after them.

It's so hard to deal with & I don't think I'll ever really recover from this but I've come to terms with that part at least.

Ranchgirl I'm glad your trial is over and that you have made the decision that feels right for you both.

Sah I am so sorry. I really feel for you. Couldn't you still plant something in memory of your little one? I hope you can sleep better tonight and start to heal.

Ababsurdum there is still a chance you could deliver naturally. They made me wait and that is what happened.

I think MMC is the cruellest way it could happen, to let you (and everyone who sees you not drinking) think you are pregnant when you're not, and then all the waiting. I still have to wait til Tuesday to confirm whether I have passed everything or if something else still needs to happen.

Best wishes to everyone going through this.

Hi brave ladies. I have been searching for the right thread on mumsnet on loss and found this one. Last Friday I was told they couldn't find a heartbeat, I went through labour and birth after being induced on Sunday and Thursday my husband and I joined the wave of light at 7pm and just sat and sobbed. I really don't know how people function after such devastating loss. I just can't imagine getting back to any sort of normality

I was 17 weeks pregnant

I'm so sorry Fresh

Thank you all for your kind words.
I think something more permenant (tattoo) will probably be my outlet.

I have spent my time with my mum and dad which has helped my pain immensely.

My partner is very closed off, talking about the future, and not asking how I am, I think he is finding it hard too, but won't talk to me.

I also need to deal with work. Which I am not looking forward too. I want to stay in my bubble. And will for he next few days....

Freshbreadandfaith I cannot imagine going through that. My pain and grief is almost to much at 11+5, I cannot imagine the pain of losing after that, when plans are cemented and having a child (or another) is a reality. My thoughts are with you, to help give you strength too x

I'm so sorry Freshbreadandfaith, what a truly awful thing to have to go through. I wish you lots of strength for the weeks ahead. I'm sure things won't be the same in the future but you will find a new normal. You just need a bit of time.

Thankyou, sorry for your losses, it's really cruel xxx

I wanted to thank you all on this and other threads for sharing. It's been a huge comfort and feeling of community even though i've been lurking in the worst week of my life.

Last Thurs (11weeks) I found out the baby had died around 7-8 weeks. I'd had very minimal bleeding and wasn't expecting this at all. That afternoon I passed some large objects - like slippy oysters shooting into the toilet is the only way I can describe it - not painful but shocking, so I was glad I'd had the scan and already knew I'd miscarried else I'd have been terrified. In total this happened 3 times so I thought it was clots. The blood didn't fill a pad, just came away when I wiped.

Next day I went in to get the medical miscarriage- I was really scared but prepared thanks to this thread to camp in the bathroom with drinks and books etc and that it would all be over soon enough.

Nothing happened except 24hrs of period pains. The light bleeding then also stopped even though my emotions were still raw and I'd cry several times a day from the overwhelming sadness.
Because the medical miscarriage didn't work the egu did another scan today. I was expecting to have to have the surgery which also scares me. They found instead that the baby and sac had gone and the wall thickness around 10mm so basically very little blood left.
It's all over and I can't believe I've got off so lightly. I've no idea if the womb never thickened properly or it's sonehow absorbed or was hiding from the scan somehow and still to come but I feel very lucky to be able to move on without physical trauma. The baby must have passed that first day before the medical management. The total blood over the week was half that of a normal period, including the hour when I passed the baby.

So please don't be scared or let your imagination run away with you (i've been terrified all week on top of all the grief) - just face whatever is currently going on and use this thread's advice and that of the hospital about when to seek help if you think there's too much blood - whatever you need to cope. And take off lots of time from work - even though I'm physically ok, my emotions were fucked until thus second scan (and still not brill).

You're all so so brave and I feel somehow honoured to know what women have been suffering in silence, like part of a really shitty yet very strong club. I was so ignorant of miscarriage before this but hopefully i can better support someone else in the future if anyone i know is unlucky enough to have this cloud cast over them.

anastasiakrupnik - you seem so strong. I only found out last Friday and I am still an emotional wreck.
I have finished bleeding and am planning on returning to work tomorrow, just because I feel like I am wallowing. My 3 friends are pregnant 24 weeks, 20 week, and 16 weeks I would have been 12 weeks, they are now being very quiet with me - I think to protect me, and I just don't know how to deal with them closing me out of their pregnancies and yet them still being there for me. I feel their support but think getting back to work and my environment there will help me.

I just don't know how people get through this, if I didn't have my lg I would have gone crazy :(

Anastasia thank you for sharing and your beautiful message.

Sah would it help if you talked or wrote to your friends to explain how you were feeling and what you are / are not OK with them saying in front of you and what you would / would not find helpful?

I found out from Facebook the day before I went back to work that a close colleague had just become a great aunt that weekend. I found it helpful to take her to one side, explain what had happened to me, tell her that I am happy for her but that I would feel more comfortable if she waited til I wasn't around before sharing her news openly. I found it easier to talk to her about her good news whilst we were alone and in the context of what I had just shared with her.

I tried to go back to work the day after my scan (booked at 11 weeks in EPAU following bleeding) where my MMC was discovered. I found it harder than I thought and spent all day afraid to leave my desk in case I encountered: the random pregnant girl from across the corridor / the guy who's wife has just given birth / the guy who's girlfriend is just about to give birth. That night I MC naturally so took the remaining 3 days off.

That was last week. I started work again on Monday. That was just as hard - I broke down at 4pm as that was when my original 12w scan had been booked. Tuesday I was back in EPAU for my follow-up scan, and was given the good news that I did not need further intervention. I was so relieved, as I had booked a weekend in Paris for 2 weeks hence as a surprise for my husband's 40th and was worried I'd be unable to fly. I decided to tell him about our trip and he is absolutely thrilled. It has given us something to look forward to together.

Since I got the all-clear life and work has felt almost normal. The next few weekends are going to be tough, as we have lots of family / friends celebrations planned for my husband's 40th, where we had planned to make our joyous announcement.

Has anyone had any difficulty with friends who keep asking if you are pregnant? Some of our friends have been a real pain. As we've just got married people have asked if we're going to try - we have been open about it but adamant that we will not tell before 12w. Despite this some people have interrogated us when they've seen me not drinking. I am not looking forward to seeing these people, but one glass of prosecco should do the explaining for me! The first person other than my parents that we saw was a male friend of mine - the least likely to bring up anything about babies! We found that helpful to ease ourselves back in.

Does anyone else have any tips for surviving the days / weeks post MC?

Sah good luck with going back to work.

Sah I may be kidding myself. I've still cried today when a mum friend told me she'd also gone through this but not told anyone at the time. And I know noone else will remember when my 12 week scan would have been, or duedate, but i'll be so sad.

It's so tough that your friends are pregnant. Iris'** advice sounds really good. I know I wouldn't have had a clue what to say to someone who'd gone through this a week ago (still don't..) so talk to them or avoid them or both, whatever you need, they'll do their best by you. my best friend is also pregnant (20weeks) but it's taken her a year to get pregnant with this her first and then has needed tests already - I felt guilty that I was pregnant when her pregnancy might be going wrong - those tables have turned.. People seem to go through an unbelievable amount of shit in secret, it's terrible. I hope i can be happy for her going through this for the first time and not compare, but who knows. like you I already have a lo, I'm so grateful for him now.