Recurrent Buns Graduates - Pregnancy and Beyond

[Glitterybits]

Thought it was about time we had a new home for all those lovely ladies who used to frequent the original Recurrent Buns thread, or anyone else who has been through the hideous journey of miscarriage, recurrent miscarriage, infertility, testing etc. and now finds themselves either pregnant and in need of hand-holding (or better yet) with their long-awaited bundle(s) of joy.

I know it perhaps seems a little inappropriate to start a thread in the miscarriage topic but it still seems the most relevant spot for those of us who haven't yet completed the journey - and nowhere else really seemed right or fair to everyone.

I do hope you'll come along and say hello. I do miss you all!

Hiya, feeling really miserable today. Had a good ol' blub on DH last night. I think the hormones are getting to me finally.

I had an ok day yesterday, toddler group, haircut, usual bits and bobs, nothing out of the ordinary. At bedtime DH did the unimaginable and asked for sex. He doesn't ask often so please don't think he's a sex crazed maniac! But I really didn't feel like it - not usually an issue - and suddenly I just broke down about how fat and frumpy and unsexy I feel and how could he possibly want to even look at me. It all came out how I hate looking so pregnant, I hate people talking to me about it, and I hate how everyone thinks that's all I want to talk about. Poor bloke didn't know where to put himself, I doubt he'll ask me again so next week I'll probably be the same wreck cuz I'll think he doesn't fancy me anymore.

But all was fine, I had a good cry and went to sleep but today I just feel so meh about everything. I'm looking at all the baby stuff in my flat and my packed bag and I just want to throw it all away, trash it all. I still can't imagine having this baby. Something inside me is keeping me distant for a reason I just know it. And I can't imagine how the pain will feel when it all goes wrong. I don't think i can do it anymore. :( I just need to get through these next 8 weeks but I just can't. It seems forever away.

I look at others babies and have no emotion for them at all. I don't go all gooey and go ahhh at them. I can take or leave it. The desire to have a baby that I had when TTC, has gone. :(

Sorry for me me me post, now going to crawl back under my rock...

Coconuts, I would bet good money that you're tired, feeling overwhelmed and - most importantly - bloody terrified, however good a job you do of holding it together day to day.

Your mind is trying to protect you from the enormity of things going wrong.

It can't, of course - and again, I do not believe for a second it will need to - but this is not something to beat yourself up about.

You will adore this baby from the minute you set eyes on each other. You already do, of course.

Stating the bloody obvious, I know, but just in case it helps. And manly pats on the shoulder.

A real 'me me me' post here: My boss emailed today with my great fear - they're 'not sure they can allow' me to continue with the agreement that has worked perfectly well for three years, viz working three days at home, two in the office.

There are no problems beyond wanting bums on seats that I can see. I know I've been lucky but I want to carry on being lucky. And the thought of leaving F for longer, or being far away, actually makes me feel sick. I don't think I'd realised but I think I might be a bit traumatised still. Haven't admitted this to anyone IRL, but I've taken to reading his red book and measuring him three times a day, just to make sure.
No idea what to do.

Oh coconuts I'm so sorry you are feeling low. Is there such a things as pre-natal depression? You have been through a hard time to get this far in your pregnancy and I'm sure that there are feelings floating around that are confusing. Maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counsellor or let your GP know that you are struggling so you can be sure that you get the support you need and don't fall into the hole of PND.

big hug

frazzled A manly pat was just what I needed :) I feel ok now, I pushed myself to get dressed yesterday and go up town and kept busy for the day. I think it's just time going really slowly and I have nothing to do bar household chores and looking after DD to pass the time. Going to try and get out more. Do a bit more walking, or as much as my body will allow anyhow.

Sorry to hear about the work situation. What a PITA. Any idea what you'll do? Is this going to be dealbreaker situation? You do sound like you're struggling a bit actually, obviously you know that the measuring isn't healthy for your mind. I think you need to tell someone how you're feeling/what you're doing. Try slowly to cut it down. If you feel you need to measure him them limit yourself to bathtime, or after breakfast and try to control it. Hugs to you :)

LAF I did wonder myself whether there is a touch of AND there but I think it's more anxiety than depression. But, I know deep down I'm being a stupid cow. And I know deep down that when my baby comes I'll be ok.

The issue for me is that I've grown up with parents on ADs, seeing counsellors, suicide attempts, manic depression etc. I don't think I could ever admit to having a problem to someone in RL for a fear that I'll turn out like my mum. I know there is nothing wrong with being depressed and I'll be the first in line to tell someone else to go to the GP but I just don't think I could make that step myself IYKWIM. I'm too proud and private in RL.

Everytime I see my MW I have an argument with myself before I go in the room as to whether I should say I'm struggling a bit but as soon as I get in there my brave face goes on without me even knowing, she asks how I am and I say I'm perfectly fine. I kow as soon as I would say No i'm not ok the tears would flow and I'll be totally mortified.

But I am ok today, feel a bit more positive, and going up town again to get out and about. I have a craving for some scampi today :)

coconuts I share the same fears. My mum has issues, but she doesn't seek treatment for them and it is a problem for other people. I just simply can't be where my parents are because I can't be in a world where people ignore the elephant in the room.

I've battled depression on and off through out my life. I have used AD's in the past, not sure if I'd go back on them without a lot of thought first. I've been to counsellors too for help with my problems. I may not always love myself, but I love those in my life to not hurt them by retreating into depression and make them sad, by watching me turn into a different person.

I get it, being proud in RL. Very few people know of the heartbreak I've been through in the last year. People who know what happened, don't know the extent of my darkest feelings and fears. Some ways, I'm proud of the fact that I have just carried on with "normal life", but I know I'm vulnerable. If I have a 4th mc, my house of cards, might just come crashing down.

Think of the people that love you, us included on the MN world. Don't try to be so strong on your own. It's OK to admit that you aren't coping and you need help.

LAF My mum is the opposite. Many issues and is convinced that the 50th counsellor she sees will magically cure her. She isn't willing to change herself for the better or to get more positive or to accept that part of her problems are circumstantial not all because of her history. I spent my whole childhood looking after the one who should have been looking after me and I resent that and I do not want that life for my DC.

When I was younger and suffered a bereavement, my mum wanted me to go to a counsellor but I just can't get my head around walking into a room, sitting down and telling a complete stranger my life story. It just doesn't sit right with me. It wouldn't have just been about the bereavement, as I know other shit would have come out that nobody really knows about and that I believe should stay private. I think that's the issue with growing up with someone who was so willing to talk to anyone and everyone for hours about their problems that I have seen how it drives people away and it has instilled in me a real private, bother nobody mantra.

I worry that if this all goes wrong what it will mean for my DD and DH's life. What will happen to me? I can't see myself being able to just carry on as normal but I can't see myself falling apart because of them. But as you say, the house of cards will crumble at some point.

But for now I have to be strong on my own, for them, and for my own sanity, that is on thin ice. I don't want to admit defeat just yet. If things work out ok, hopefully I'll be automatically cured of my temprary insanity

I guess the moral of the story is that we are not our mothers. We see the areas where they need to change, but don't.

I found it helpful to have someone neutral listen and help me work through what I was feeling.

I realised that I have low self-esteem (before any of these MCs happened even) and I had to take more control of my situation. A separate time, DH and I went to counselling together and I was shocked when he told the counsellor about one of the things that he loved about me. I found it difficult to think about how someone could love anything specific about me, as I felt so unlovable. It was a real shift in my thought. I don't think he would have just said it to me when we were together alone. It wasn't easy to get him to go, but our marriage is stronger because of working through those issues together with someone else.

I understand why people wouldn't want to talk to a complete stranger, but counsellors have a way of helping you get to the bottom of what is really bothering you, in a way that friends can't. You can drive friends away because they get overwhelmed with the issues and don't know what to do. I know I've done it. It isn't a panacea, but when you know what the problem is, you can recognise it and control it.

Anyway, back to pregnancy, I'm 7+4 today, going for my scan in 5 days time.

Hi all,

Big hug for coconuts Pregnancy IS overwhelming, whether you have been depressed in the past or not, whether you have had mc's or not, its a huge scary thing for everyone. I know there are nice and not so nice mw's but you should be able to tell them how you are feeling, I am sure they have heard it all a million times before and are more than likely to just note it and remember to keep an eye on things and ask you more next time.

I have suffered from depression a few times in the past, including in my pregnancy with DS and am on AD's at the moment.

I totally understand the not wanting to talk to a stranger thing, I was the same as a teenager and had a disastrous one time appointment with a counsellor which I hated. I think going on AD's then made me feel worse because i felt "labelled" as having a problem IYSWIM. However I have had some good counselling experiences too, the 2 times that have been the best I have gone in for a specific reason and outlined some goals in the first session (wanted help with big decisions, coping with specific issues) and did counselling for about 6 weeks until the issue was resolved. This felt a lot more productive to me than just digging up the past and focussing on childhood/parental issues etc (although I have done that since and it has been useful) I have also just read a book by Beverley Engel called Healing your Emotional Self which I found really good for working through a lot of things in my own time/pace and then discussing with the therapist. It also helped me see that a lot of traditional therapy is about and understand where they are coming from with the questions. I really recommend it.

Anyway, hope you are feeling better, just try and remember that pregnancy does magnify everything, and everything you are feeling is normal, we all have those days. xxxx

back later to catch up with everyone else xxx

Another post and run tonight, but have momentous news.

The first bit isn't very good but is better than I'd feared - my boss had three days a week in the office in mind, and is willing to consider half days that will fit in around school hours. I am to think about it and bring her suggestions when ready.

Of course, this is all voluntary on my part. But as she politely-but-firmly pointed out, if she had to make it official, it would be easy to make a business case for forcing me to accept hours of her choosing. And then there'd be no goodwill.

Now the initial panic's subsiding, I'm starting to think and make plans. If she's willing to compromise, I think there are ways which won't be too painful.

Anyway, that's the warm-up. The main event was F's weigh-in today. He's put on a pound and a half in three weeks, is 64cm long, and IS ON THE CHARTS. Between second and ninth centile in both cases, and for real age, not corrected.

Not for the first time, I nearly wept in clinic. But almost for the first ever time, for sheer relief.

Still a long road and all that, but since I doubt his only ever growth spurt has just happened, hopefully a promising step forward.

oh frazzled that is great news! So glad that F is doing what he should and you are feeling relieved about it. Long term worrying is very very draining, hopefully this is the turning point and he will get nice and chubby now! Good news too that work is showing a bit of flexibility. Negotiate as hard as you can /need.

I have a bit of good news too - i think - still a bit doubtful but I think I have found a doctor. She said all the right things about the Ashermans (hystorectomy only in an emergency, we will monitor placental attachment very thoroughly towards the end, blood on standby for PPH etc) was happy to answer all my questions, gave me a really thorough scan (first time heart and vital organs have been properly checked - all fine thank god) and generally seemed really competent and nice. Oh, and she told me exactly what i wanted to hear about the AD's too - that I can stay on them during pregnancy and BFing which is a relief. The downside is that every single one of my VB questions got answered with "No" (no eating and drinking in labour, no walking about, no avoiding constant monitoring, no choosing my own position for labour etc) and even said I wouldnt be allowed a VB if baby is bigger than 3.5k (DS was 4) so looks like its cesarian only with her, I dont think I could face such a nazi style hospital VB where I have no control over anything. I also suspect that ALL doctors on the private system here have the same views, so I could just exhaust myself searching for one who doesnt.

For now things have been left open anyway, she said we dont need to decide until nearer the time. Of course now that I am being pushed into a cesarian, I want a VB more than ever! Hopefully I will get used to the CS idea a bit more in the coming weeks and it wont seem so bad. If anyone has any positive CS stories (especially about recovery!) do share!!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

evening all. not been on the laptop much and posting from phone is a no no atm.

sf well done F! hopefully you will be able to relax a bit with the measuring etc now.

lf i'm with you on the tirdness atm, no idea why but i'm exhausted all the time!

julez O is so bloody scrummy. I hope you realise I have him earmarked for a future husband for E?

mummy good luck with the search for a Dr. must be so hard. I suppose we take the nhs for granted in as such as we just go with the Dr we are given.

lucky yay for the scan. i think Glittery and I are the only ones with girls so far.

digi did you have any luck getting an appt?

laf not long til your scan. will keep everything crossed.

glittery how is I? and you?

for those of you that didnt see my thread about ex-p being his usual charming self. If anything it's good for a laugh.

Mil is back to her usual knobish self as well. i thought we were really getting somewhere with her :(

She called in this morning to see If she could take E out, I told her that we had plans later on in the day but she could take her for an hour while I got ready. the older dc decided they didnt fancy a day out so we decided to stay in instead. I went to the shop, came back about 15 min later to find the baby here with dp. We had dinner, watched a film etc and Mil knocked the door again about 3pm conversation went like this,

Mil- "oh your back, good"
me- "we didn't go, dc didnt want to"
Mil- "OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE! i've waited all bloody day to take E to town. why couldn't you bloody tell me!"
me- "erm, I had no idea you wanted her again"

she then took her and dd1 out, only on the understanding she was going to be back by 5 so I could take them to the park, she strolled in at 6.15, knowing full well, E hates being up past 7pm.

I have no idea why i didn't say anything to her. I'm really angry with myself now.

Good evening lovelies :)

mumatron will have a look at your thread in a bit. Your MIL sounds like a prize idiot. Perhaps next time (which I'd avoid happening like the plague ) you could plan to say that if she isn't back when you say so that you won't be so accomodating for future visits.

How did your fantasy football team do this weekend? You're going down!

lunatic Thanks for your words of advice, they kind of gave me the kick I needed. I need to be a damn sight more grateful for the position I am in. Others, ie you, have had it so much bloody worse. Hope you soon feel a bit better too, don't overdo it on your busy week.

frazzled Really great news on the weigh in :) :) I hope this is the start of better things to come and hope that perhaps you can begin to relax about it a little now. We all worry for the same reasons though. I used to worry about those bloody centiles with DD because she was so big always up on the 99th and I was always told not to feed her so much so this weekend I decided to weigh and measure her and she is now on the 75th so really evening out and I am feeling much more relaxed about that now :) Sometimes these things make you more owrried than you need to be though.

mummy Great news on finding a potential doctor. I have no experience or knowledge of Csections and therefore can't really add anything useful. but at least you are making progress. justmee is having the same issues in Turkey so you are not alone in your plight!

LAF Hope you are ok, fingers tightly crossed for your scan this coming week. Wednesday is it? Is that a private one that you've arranged?

julez Hope all ok with you :) Reflux sounds bloody hard work and I hope you can find some happy medium somewhere with O's food. He is certainly a gorgeous boy though :)

glittery Hoping you and I are doing ok :)

well I am feeling a lot better after venting on here and having all of you be nice to me :) Very grateful. As I said above, I had a lightbulb moment where I kind of realised what hard work it was to get to where I am, and tried to remember that feeling I had when TTC, how much I wanted this, what I would have done to get it. I have it now so I need to embrace it. Whether it lasts to the end and I get a baby remains to be seen but for now, I am 33 weeks pregnant with a lively little boy and things are going well. I have a beautiful DD and a fantastic husband and I need to crack on. 7 weeks to go (potentially they may have me in early though) and I need ot do all I can to stay positive.

I think there are lots of underlying issues exacerbating the situation - my mum for one - but I am not ready to go there yet. I probably never will be. My mum has many issues and until she is willing to help herself then I have decided to take a step back from her slightly. I think all my fears and past history all rolled into one made things feel ten times worse and a good old cry made everything better.

MW appointment next Monday to monitor the growth. And more blood tests I think to check the anemia but otherwise all seems to be fine.

Thank you all for being there for a complete stranger :)

not bad, not bad. i'm sooo going to win

So, so sorry for my mahussive absence. Battling the most hideous case of mastitis (ouch emoticon) and spent most of the last few days necking antibiotics (which don't seem to be working), ibuprofen and paracetamol and lying on the sofa trying to feed Iz without crying. DH has gone back to work and my poor DS doesn't understand why Mummy isn't more cuddly, or why she's a shivery sweaty mess. Aaaagh. Will be back when I feel less hideous.
Haven't even read back, so I hope you are all as well as you can be.

So sorry to hear of people's struggle with depression, mothers, MILS and illnesses .

frazzled hooray for F!

I am lurking. Just not much to report atm. No appt at St M to get this flippin TEG test done. Rather annoyed that they've completely ignored all my messages. But to put more effort into calling them sort of ruins my attempts to remain in denial - of which I think I'm doing very well so far. In a blatant undenial I did a CBD this morning and it said 3+ which tallies up with me being 5 weeks today. Thinking of waiting till after 8 weeks to have a scan. I've got DS's birthday party on the 29th, then a wedding on the 2nd, another wedding on the 3rd and a naming ceremony on the 4th. So unless something actually happens before then I think I'd rather maintain a general level of ignorance.

Ouch glittery hope the anti biotics start working soon.

digi I found it so much easier to just pretend I wasn't pg. I would not have been able to wait until 8 weeks for a scan though. I'm way too impatient!

I've just taken E to get weighed. She is 19lb 5oz. When i checked Dd1's red book she only weighed 19lb 3 at 1 year old

mumatron my DD was 19lb at..... 21weeks. Hahaha!!

digi Definitely easier to deny all knowledge of it in the early stages! I was lucky and had a scan at 7+2 only because I was admitted with my HG otherwise I'd have had to have waited until 12weeks. I would have cracked at gone private I think!

glittery sorry to hear you are suffering, hope you start to feel better soon. Frozen cabbage leaves will be your friend

glittery I had mastisis - horrible thing to go through! poor you. Antibiotics did sort it out for me, hope they kick in soon for you. Eat lots of yoghurt afterwards!! I got thrush (in nipples) right after recovering from the mastisis, AB's kill good and bad bacteria alike so it can throw your body a bit off balance. Stock up on yoghurt with probiotics in it! I also got some relief from putting flannels in very hot water and applying to boobs before feeding/expressing. It helped soften them up a bit and alleviate the engorgement (assuming you are engorged, sorry I was, not sure if that is the case for everyone)

digi I thought I would be flying down to the clinic early on, but didnt get my first scan unitl about 9 and half weeks in the end. I figured that I wouldnt be reassured enough if the scan was too early and they saw nothing, however, I did get 3 (yes, three) HCG blood tests done and that was enormously reassuring and tided me over till the scans. I will look for the stats in a mo, but there is even a HCG number above which you will supposedly be able to see bean on a scan, so if you had access to a blood test you could do this to help you decide if a scan at this point would be "worth it" or not. Hope all the upcoming celebrations are nice and distracting for you.

lunatic yes, I just found that out from MN recently (that cesarian = more risk of PPH) but I didnt know at the time of the appointment. Its making me want a VB even more! I will mention it to the doc next time, but am betting she recommends doing what is best for her and the hospitals convenience (and docs here are not used to being questioned by patients over their choices) but as you say, at least I have ONE option, so I am better off than I was this time last month.

In my news:

I am pretty convinced I have anemia, I am always borderline on blood tests being vegetarian and I have been too scared to take iron tablets because of massive hemmorhoid problems that started in pregnancy with DS. Started taking some this week though as I realised I am just winding down like the bunny on the duracell advert who had the cheapo batteries (blood test next week will confirm but dont think I can wait till them). So I have decided to swap pregnancy exhaustion for pregnancy piles problems

also, its Mother's Day here in Costa Rica today, so for those who have been mother's for years and those who have only just cranked up a little mileage, those who are waiting to become a mum, and those who were mothers for a little while, Happy Costa Rican Mother's Day! Please use it as an excuse to treat yourself a little bit more than you normally do today

love MummyAbroad xxx

ta da!

Hello, I did have my scan this morning and the little bean is growing well. I'm at 8+6 in terms of measurements (21mm) so the bean has gained 4 days! I'm growing a big one I think. I think it's a boy. Both DH and I are tall, I'm 5'11 and he is 6'1, so it can be explained, as not just a giant baby.

Thanks for all of your support. I'm starting to believe that this time, I just might have a baby.

laf Really great news :)

thank you lunatic and coconuts I was so pleased with the news that I fell asleep for 2 hours when I got back. I tossed and turned all last night thinking about the scan, but deep down I feel OK. The last pregnancies never felt right at all.

I had a tiny bit of bleeding on Sunday and worked myself up so much thinking it was the end, but then no more bleeding came.

I've been advised by 2 people in the last 24 hours that I'm glowing, but the only thing I feel is sleepy.

fab news LAF

LAF and I narrowly missed crossing paths at St Mary's today. I had my TEG test. Still waiting to hear back results (LAF did you get yours same day?). Plucked up the courage to book a scan in for three weeks today when I'll hopefully be 8+2.