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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Recurrent Buns - Miscarriage Testing and Beyond! Part three..!

953 replies

Julezboo · 23/11/2010 12:52

Not so imaginative as lunatic !

Part One HERE

Part Two HERE

There are a mixture of Pg ladies, new BFP's (YAY) and new ladies who have sadly had to join us and are going through testing. Lots of OMW's and hand holding here!

Sit down, grab a cushion and a hot choc and get comfortable.

OP posts:
MummyAbroad · 06/01/2011 17:21

Congratulations!!!! So pleased for you mumatron! and stillfrazzled too!! What wonderful news to see people actually having their babies on this thread! GrinGrinGrinGrin Thank you for updating us.Smile

Julezboo · 06/01/2011 17:22

Congratulations mumatron !!! Lovely name and weight. So glad you are finally holding her after a frustrating two weeks

OP posts:
Julezboo · 06/01/2011 17:23

eek I just realised that means Im *next" !!!!!

OP posts:
LAF77 · 06/01/2011 17:33

Congratulations mumatron and frazzled for having your babies. Thinking of your frazzled and hope that Finn is home soon. Glad to see that lady also has a BFP and things are OK with glittery's pg too.

I have been lurking, trying to come to terms with my grief at losing my third baby. I've spent most of the day in tears, as today was supposed to be my nuchal dating scan.

ESH EPU asked me to come in after Christmas to confirm that everything was alright, which I argued with her to say that I didn't think it was necessary. When I turned up this morning, my favourite sonographer, asked why I was there and said that it was a waste of time for me to be there.

Every time I go, they manage to upset me. I didn't ask for the appointment, they insisted that I come in when I was miscarrying. I told the nurse/receptionist that it would be pointless for me to go in on the 3rd day of the mc as they would see products which wouldn't prove whether or not it was complete. She said that I should come in after the new year to confirm that the mc was complete. Then I get blamed for wasting time. They gave me a pg test and told me I wasn't pg. I knew that. They gave me an appt letter with a GYN at ESH in 2 months. No idea what will come of that, if anything.

I was supposed to be getting a photo of my baby today, and I go through humiliation instead. I feel so alone and sad today. It is hard to imagine that I will have a baby after my third mc.

I am really busy at work and can't take time off sick, but can't really focus very well either. DH doesn't want me to be sad. He has lost both of his parents, so isn't a stranger to hard times. I was listening to an Arcade Fire album with a song that I like "City with No Children" I like the music, not the lyrics especially, as it reminds me of my trip to Japan, and he pressed fast forward on it. Another time, on the plane to the US, when I was crying listening to my iPod, he changed the song to a dance music song. He doesn't know what to do or say, no one does, but he doesn't want me to be down. Neither do I, but I can't help it. I'm going through the motions of life at present.

The only bright spark is that my GP has agreed to refer me to St. Mary's today. I am already wondering if they will find anything and wondering if I should have asked to see Dr. Shehata instead, if St. Mary's doesn't agree with the NK cell theory behind mc. I don't know what my issues are, but I wish I could have an answer.

MummyAbroad · 06/01/2011 18:03

LAF I am so so sorry you are feeling like this. Its just such an awful thing to go through, its only happened to me once, I cannot even fathom how anyone would cope with it X 3. Like your DH I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better, but feeling better is probably not what is required right now. You should be allowed to grieve your losses, and let whatever feelings you have come out and be expressed. That is the only way you will be able to move passed them and come out the other side.

I am really glad that you are on your way to St Mary's. It looks like you still have a long road ahead of you through testing and treatment, but at least now you will be pointing in the right direction instead of spinning around and around. I can tell you from the other side, that things do look and feel very different when you have a diagnosis and you know what you are dealing with. Lets hope yours is not too far off.

much love xxx

Glitterybits · 06/01/2011 19:40

mumatron Hoorah! At last! Gorgeous name. Your little girl weighs half an ounce less than my DS did and I thought he was a little chubster. Did you get your water birth in the end? I really hope you did, but the main thing is not how she got here but that she's here. Congratulations!!!!! Bet you're exhausted! Grin

It's only just hit me that people on this thread are actually having their babies. A small, worried part of me wondered if that would ever happen. It's the same bit of me that feels like hitting delete everytime I type the word pregnant in relation to myself and uttering it aloud feels positively fraudulent. Whenevr other pregnant people talk about their experience I find myself STILL thinking 'Maybe it'll be my turn soon'. I've been unable to get pregnant for so long that I find it impossible to believe.

Julez Oh yes. Your turn next. Hope you are feeling as okay as you can be at this stage.

LAF Thanks for coming back and venting here. If nothing else, it helps to just rant about the sheer, bloody injustice of it all. It's so hard to try and get through your grief at the same time as worrying about how everyone else is reacting to you. As Mummy said, it is bad enough to go through this once. I can't begin to imagine going through it 3 times. You need to cut yourself some slack and accept that you can't be superwoman in terms of coping right now, and nor should you try to be.

I'm actually physically appalled at your treatment at the EPU and I'd be inclined to write a very stern letter with exactly what you've put here. I wouldn't sugarcoat it either. Copy and paste what you've said about the humiliation and the upset. It must have been unbelievably awful for you to even entertain the idea of going back there so soon after your loss and they need to know how unprofessional and hideously insensitive they have been. Not only do you deserve much better care and support, but making you feel that you're wasting their time after they've asked you to go is just atrocious. We all know how hard these appts are to face and anyone in that line of work shouldn't be allowed to do that job without having a bit more sensitivity. I'm fuming for you.

On the upside, I'm glad you got a follow-up appt. I'm sure it's the last thing you want to face right now, but don't immediately discount it, as you may feel quite different in a couple of months in terms of what you can cope with. The fact that they keep making you so sad and angry might be the incentive you need to speak your mind to someone who might actually listen. I know exactly where you're coming from with the anger that you should have been coming home with a picture of your baby today and instead you've been made to feel terrible on top of your loss. It's enough to make you want to go private for everything, isn't it?
Hooray for your GP though, and at least you'll receive better care at St. Mary's. It couldn't get any worse than it has been already.

Keep talking to your DH. Yes, he's struggling to know what to do for the best, but he might benefit from you explaing your feelings instead of worrying about him worrying about you. Ultimately, you don't need to put on a brave face for each other and, after so much heartbreak, I think you're entitled to have a good shout and a ball every now and again. Men can't possibly begin to understand how this feels for a woman, but they can surprise us in terms of their coping skills when you least imagine they will. He doesn't want you to be sad, but neither would he want you to bottle up your feelings and struggle either on your own or further down the line.

Sending you both much love and I so wish that anything we could say or do would help. I hope you get your answers soon. How long will it take for your referral to come through?

digitalgirl · 06/01/2011 19:43

Wow, lots has happened in just two days!

ladyb congratulations on your bfp, sending you lots of sticky vibes. Be interested to hear all about your treatment programme. Hope you can share the details once it starts.

frazzled huge congrats to you and welcome little Finn. Hope he gets stronger by the hour and that you'll soon be taking him home soon. Wishing you lots of strength for the days and weeks ahead.

mumatron at last!!! Congratulations to you and finally we can welcome little Eliza to the world. You must be exhausted after all this time - hope everyone is taking good care of you.

LAF if you read back through the thread you'll see a massive range of emotions I went through following my third miscarriage in November. If you want to pm me I'm happy to chat off thread. It does sometimes feel like you're not allowed to be miserable, especially when others talk of bfps and births - but we all understand the misery of a lost pregnancy.
I know it gets trotted out a lot but I do recommend reading Lesley Regan's book on miscarriage. You will have plenty of questions about what might have caused them - and it can help you to understand the known causes.
It was difficult for me to wait for all the testing - and I'm still waiting for the results. But I think it's worth getting St Mary's to rule out all the causes they test for. Then see how you feel about those results before you start looking at the experimental areas like nk cells.
The grieving process is very dark and difficult - especially when those around you aren't encouraging you to explore your feelings. My dh let me cry in his arms for the night after I got two pregnancy announcements very soon after my mc. But I still found counselling helpful. I didn't like the first session as it was so painful - but have since realised that talking about it do close to the event was always going to be an unpleasant experience.
Time really does help - but right now it might not seem that way.
I hope your appointment comes through soon. In the meantime feel free to vent on here or pm me.

LunaticFringe · 06/01/2011 19:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stillfrazzled · 06/01/2011 20:30

hi all, thanks so much for your lovely messages and thoughts.

still in hosp - they made noises aboutsending me home today but i resisted. suspect will be turfed out tomorrow though.

finn still doing well, about to have his first feed - by tube - of ebm. is good feeling to do something for him. going along to scbu in a min to do kangaroo care. still terrified every time something goes beep but trying to get on with things. family are being amazing.

congrats mumatron and FABULOUS name.

can't do personals but will when i'm home. thanks again, all of you.

banana87 · 06/01/2011 21:16

Wow! I stay away for a few days and people are giving birth and getting pregnant!!!

Huge congraultions to mumatron and frazzled, so happy your gorgeous bundles arrived safely.

Congratulations on your BFP ladybee. May you have a very unevernful 9 months :)

Pleased you found a great dr mummyabroad. It really does make all the difference!

LAF Very un-MN hugs to you. I am trying not to be negative but if I have a 3rd mc then I plan to get referred to St.Marys and go private to Dr. Shetata.

Just arrived back from US. DD was perfect on the flight and slept the whole time, from take off to landing. Now trying to convince her its time for bed. Oh joy!

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 06/01/2011 21:54

Gosh, lots to catch up on.

First things first, huge congratulations to mumatron on the safe arrival of baby Eliza. Lovely name and a lovely weight. Hope the delivery was as stress free as possible and that you will be allowed home soon. That's two babies in two days for this thread!

frazzled Glad Finn is getting stronger. Thinking of you :)

lunatic Good luck for tomorrow. kudos to you for the letter. it possibly wouldn't have been done if you hadn't started that thread :)

Glittery 10 weeks?! time goes so fast on here I keep losing track! Have you told anyone in RL yet? FWIW when I was pg with DD I pretended it wasnt real as a kind of defence mechanism so that if things went wrong i could pretend to myself that it never happened Hmm It didn't sink in until I was about 8 months and I bought my pram.

I agree with what you say. At least they are doing it all the right way round. I didn't expect to walk in there and be given a prescription for Clomid and be pregnant in a month. If only it worked that way. It was strange to go back in there after all these years. I saw the rooms where I had all the examinations and internals and the rooms where I had my anti-d's after my bleeds with Ellie. I saw the Gynae doctor who told me I'd never have a baby and the one that told me about my mc/ERPC and it brought so many memories back and made me realise that I am so much stronger now and so much better informed.

LAF Glad you came back here to vent. Angry on your behalf on the hospital's poor treatment and insensitivity. You are allowed to be upset, sad, angry. Don't be ashamed to cry, it is the only way you can get past the grief and allow yourself to move forward. It doesn't mean you will ever forget your babies, because that's what they were, it just means you can be strong and remember them in happiness. A referral to St Mary's is great, a real chance at some answers.

Waves to anyone I've missed xxx

Ladybee · 06/01/2011 22:42

LAF I'm also pleased that you felt able to come back and write down how you're feeling and what's been going on.
You've had lots of good responses, but I was thinking about your post walking home and it occurred to me one of the hardest things about grieving for lost pregnancies is that there is not a single mitigating thought that can be offered. There's no, 'well, he had a good long life', or 'well, we all knew it was coming' or 'at least we had a chance to say goodbye'. Which you sometimes do get for other family losses. All there is is the loss of your hopes and dreams surrounding the person who was going to join your family and for the life you were going to lead. But somehow we're not supposed to grieve as hard for that, as for a 'real person'. Grief is grief, and in the case of miscarriage it's coupled with fear that there's something terribly wrong, that the life you planned might never happen, that you're going to be subjected to more intrusion into what is 'supposed' to be a natural and private event.
Experiencing those losses cumulatively is a horrendous burden.
I think your DH is obviously struggling with your grief and perhaps is trying to 'fix' it by not allowing you to express it in a visible way. I think you need to explain to him that your grief needs to be expressed and tell him very precisely what you want him to do. Perhaps also worth mentioning that your grief is not necessarily more painful than what he experienced, but neither should it be assumed that it's less.

Sorry if I've got it wrong or am overstepping the mark.

mumatron congratulations on the birth of your daughter - sounds like things went quickly when they started.

I think I'm heading into that place called denial. It feels safer there. Am going round in circles trying to get in for scan and prescription for injections etc. Just a quick question - is it worth me starting on low-dose aspirin from pharmacy while I wait for them to sort themselves out? Am a bit nervous about starting it but as it is going to be prescibed, maybe it would help to get started? Or should I wait for a bit past the burrowing/implantation?

I may be quite quiet in the next few weeks - finding it difficult to contemplate talking about this at all. Think I need to get head down for a bit.

MummyAbroad · 06/01/2011 23:53

Hi LadyB - This thread is all about aspirin.

Most ladies prescribed it seem to be told to wait until after BFP before starting so as not to "prevent implantation" However, presumably by the time HCG is showing, burrowing is complete? Strangely AS ladies are advised to take it before BFP in order to help "thicken the lining and help implantation" it has left me confused as this is obviously conflicting info.

More good reading here
www.medscape.com/viewarticle/714206

www.uch.edu/conditions/pregnancy/pregnancy-loss-eager-study.aspx
www.eagertrial.org/index.php
www.medicine.ox.ac.uk/bandolier/booth/aspirin/aspcongen.html

oh dear, while looking for the link I have just seen this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/898158-Aspirin-a-warning

What can you do to speed things up with the doctors? Can you start firing off letters and making phone calls and over using the word urgent??

best wishes xxx

notsobarrenmorebrokenbrook · 07/01/2011 07:21

LAF my darling, I didn't realise what had happened, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this again. Please don't feel like you have to go through it alone, we're all here for you. I know only too well how completely and utterly fucked off (sorry for swearing!) you must be feeling, after having 4 mc myself it gets to a certain point where you just want to throw your hands in the air and scream WHY? Especially when it seems to go right for everyone else but you. As for your DH, he sounds alot like mine, they aren't the best at expressing emotion, well, mine isn't anyway, but I know he's hurting because I am and that's enough for me and I'm sure that's how your Hubby is feeling. Don't be scared to tell him how you're feeling. Thing is with men they need to find a solution to everything presented to them and when they can't they don't know what to do! Grin As digi says, feel free to pm me if you need to vent. I also agree with the others that you should write an honest letter about your treatment at the hospital. If anything it shows how complacent people become in their jobs, almost hardened to the emotional side of what they're dealing with making them insensitive and they don't realise the effect it has on people like us going through a horrible painful experience. Lots of love x

mumatron huge congrats and welcome too to baby Eliza. You must be so very over the moon, wonderful news. Hope you are all home soon.

Forgive my rudeness, but I'm on my phone and I can't scroll back up so can't personally say thank you to the link to the hsg thread, am popping off to have a look now (and scare myself silly probably!!) sure I will be back with questions. Have a good day all x

LunaticFringe · 07/01/2011 11:01

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Julezboo · 07/01/2011 12:44

quick update from me. Was contracting all night long between 7-9 mins. Pain is unbearable by my ribs due to baby's positioning I think. I am back down to 20-24 mins between them now. BUT I think I will be heading in tonight if they pick up again, slightly worried about my scar rupturing with the prlonged contractions and Ive lost a lot of glumpy stuff today (tmi sorry!)

Also, when baby moves I get a lot of pain in my bits? Does this mean hes engaged?

OP posts:
mumatron · 07/01/2011 16:28

hello

home from hospital, feeding well. still very sicky but getting better. very tired so am off for a shower and a sleep. will try and catch up better later.

Ladybee · 07/01/2011 16:43

Awwwww

She's gorgeous.

I am see-sawing wildly between 'she's so wee' and 'I can't believe that baby was INSIDE you!'

Getting quite peed off about the whole dr/consultant thing. Spoke to GP yesterday, he said he'd try to call consultant and do quick referral and would call me back to tell me what to do. Nothing.
Think I'll start myself on the aspirin on the weekend. It's such early days but I'm just really afraid that the Leiden Factor V might cause problem with implantation/clotting or development of blood flow.
Feeling v pessimistic at this point. Had a dentist appointment today to take care of tooth and had to write on the form that I was pregnant. Just felt ridiculous and allowed him to do xray as feel like there's nothing there to be worried about. Right now, having had a several pregnancies that didn't work and 1 that has, I'm finding it difficult to feel 'oh yes, this one will get there' - even with a plan of action, no one seems to have any clue how to put that plan INTO action. Angry

Ladybee · 07/01/2011 16:52

MummyA thanks very much for those links. They do seem reassuring.
I've read LF's warning thread before (and even pushed it other's) but I feel confident knowing that aspirin is in my prescription plan already, and I do have a clotting issue diagnosed.

notsobarrenmorebrokenbrook · 07/01/2011 18:46

mumatron she's gorgeous!!!!! and so much hair! Bless her. Hope you get some well earned rest x

bee pester the doctor, pester, pester, pester. Stamp your feet and stamp them some more and demand you get what you want and don't stop until you do. On the aspirin front I know when I last fell pg but had started bleeding the consultant told me to take 75mg aspirin a day, in his words; it will help if you do have a clotting issue we've not picked up on but if there isn't it won't do any harm either way. At least you know you are doing something and may help you feel a bit more positive. Hope that helps love, fingers crossed x

banana87 · 07/01/2011 19:57

Mumatron she is absolutely stunning. Well done.

LunaticFringe · 07/01/2011 20:12

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

banana87 · 07/01/2011 21:06

LF Can you just go back on Monday and demand to see your MW and dr? This is really really shitty of them.

LunaticFringe · 07/01/2011 21:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

digitalgirl · 07/01/2011 21:25

lunatic cant believe they've mucked you about like this. Can you call tomorrow to speak to the head midwife, get her to readmit you? You've done so well to get as far as you have without chaining yourself to a hospital bed. Thinking of you and hoping you and the little one keep kicking up a fuss.

mumatron what a cutie!!! Must feel so pleased with yourself. Hope sickness passes and you can start to relax into it soon.

ladybee have also been told I can take low dose aspirin from bfp even if a clotting issue doesn't show up - so you should get onto it while you're waiting for gp/consultant to pull finger out of bum. It's the 75mg dose and can be bought over the counter. Sorry to hear you're also feeling very anxious about it all. I know I'd be exactly the same - we have the same live birth rate.

julez no news is good news? Are you having a baby right this very minute?! Hope you're ok!

frazzled glad to hear Finn's started to take some ebm even if it is via tube. No doubt great progress will have been made since your last post.

Nothing to report here other than having a fab night away with dh two nights ago. Lots of SFF as egg not due for a while. Was great to feel like a normal couple again. Eating and drinking what we liked, shopping for frivolous things, staying up late to watch crap telly...must do this more often (budget allowing - am half tempted to blow my maternity leave savings to make a regular habit of this).

No test results either. Called epu but nothing's through yet. Dh's sperm analysis is in but he needs to speak to the consultant and they haven't called him back yet. Has anyone ever had a sperm analysis show up anything that can cause recurrent miscarriage? Have never come across it in all my googling.