What did your mum or grandmother tell you about perimenopause?

[TheUmberKoala]

I've been having a long-overdue conversation with my mother about her experience of perimenopause. She's in her 60s now. When I asked her what anyone had ever told her about it growing up, she said her own mother had once told her: "It happens, it's a phase."

That was it. Five words. For something she lived with for years.

My older sisters are approaching that same age now, and I've been thinking about how much of this silence is generational. The dismissal, the lack of anyone passing down practical knowledge, the way the topic just wasn't discussed at home.

I'd love to hear from this group: what did your mum or grandmother tell you about perimenopause growing up? Was it spoken about at home, or was it taboo? And for those of you who've been through it (or are in it now), what do you wish someone had actually told you?

Not looking for medical advice or anything to buy. Just curious about the inheritance, or the lack of it, and how families pass this knowledge down (or don't).

Nothing

“I don’t really remember having any trouble with it”

Hmmm, maybe the periods of screaming at her straight-A, non-drinking, non-smoking, church-going 19-year-old daughter when I stayed out just a little past curfew were to do with something else then. 🤣

This reminds me of my Grandma surreptitiously whispering 'she was a lesbian' whilst peering over her shoulder in the empty living room

😂

I'm still not sure what period is.

My mum had a hysterectomy for bad periods, at the same time my periods were horrendous but I didn't get a trp to a gynae, in fact she sulked when I went on the pill.

I went from monthly periods to one pain free every 3 months then I stopped having periods. I had one hot flush one night that I don't even know if it was linked.

Nothing. I am 50. When my mum was about my age I remember her having a consultants appointment and coming back saying "well he says it's not the menopause yet" and she took hrt for a few years probably 5. Came off it when they said it caused breast cancer. But she's never spoken to me specifically about her experience or when she actually had her menopause.

My mother went through menopause after I left home, so it wasn't high on our radar of things we talked about, but she did mention celebrating the end of her periods! It was also "The Change" when she or any of the women in her circle or our family, discussed it, though I don't recall that being a negative at all. My mother mentioned a couple of issues she had (migraines and occasional hot flushes). But it wasn't in depth. I guess I felt a bit unprepared, but the Internet was around by the time I needed it, so I could easily look up what I needed to know. And I have had very few symptoms. I get auras. That's about it. I do also get hot flushes, but they're linked to medication, I didn't get them before I started the medication. It just hasn't been a big deal for me.

Not sure what I should tell my kids really. They're teens. I've told them I've been through it, and that the auras I sometimes get are part of it. And discussed some physical changes like metabolism slowing and the need for exercise to prevent bone density loss. Not sure what else is useful. It's not taboo, but, like aging, we don't really focus on it until something's obviously going to be a problem and there hasn't been much that's been difficult. I don't want to tell them it's all awful when the reality is, it just isn't for me or for a lot of women.

Milk?! Never heard of that as a menopause treatment. Maybe she suffered with heartburn. That's what I've developed in peri..atrocious acid reflux. Omeprazole sorts it. Funnily enough I had the same thing when I was pregnant at 40. I told a male doctor I thought my symptoms were to do with hormonal fluctuations as I had the same when I was pregnant and he instantly dismissed it.

Very good thread btw OP. So interesting to read all these experiences 🤔

Gosh she was risque !

Nothing apart from how bad it was.

My grandma didn't speak about it, though I do know she suffered some hair loss at 'that' age which was put down to stress.

My mum told me that she just stopped having periods after a period of stress in her life (dealing with my aunt's death and managing her estate afterwards). Used to tell me that she felt sad at not having hot flushes like her colleagues.

Perimenopause has hit me like a bus and she completely downplayed every symptom I've experienced despite it having a huge effect on my MH.

Agreed. In general, I don't know why any of us might want to discuss any illnesses or ailments we might have - just so tedious. Most of my friends certainly don't, because we have more interesting things to talk about.

@Miranda65 sadly you don't seem to understand the impact this can have on some women physically and mentally. Open up your mind to others' experiences.

I’ve just had an ice-breaker session with a new client this morning.

Yet another woman who left her highly successful career because she could no longer cope. Only to discover in the next year or two that the suddenly diminished ability to cope was due to what she now recognises as peri-menopause symptoms.

I’ve run out of fingers & toes to count the number of women I know personally IRL who have lost their trajectory in their working life due to peri-meno symptoms that they didn’t know were peri-menopause symptoms and potentially resolvable.

That’s before I need to count the number of women who have flown a well functioning marriage into a wall and are now coping with mid-life with much reduced financial circumstances and kids who are reeling from their previously happy enough home having fallen down around their ears.

I appreciate we need to avoid painting a big red “unemployable” target on the backs of mid-life women. However we also need to inform women BEFORE symptoms push them past the point of being able to cope, so they don’t withdraw from the job market feeling like they are scrap heap bound, or torpedo the relationships that underpin their health, wealth and well-being.

I’m just feeling so gutted after this morning’s meeting. She’s lovely. So smart, fascinating to talk to, great personality. And she is standing in the rubble of the life she had, because she had no idea why things were going so badly wrong inside her headspace, sleep and energy banks.

And she’s still doing better than I did, given how close I came to losing my life by my own hand.

Yes, there is the unintended consequence of scaring employers away from mid-life women, just as the realities of pregnancy and child birth scare them off employing women of reproductive age.

However the number of women who take themselves off to the “working life” scrap heap in desperation probably exceeds the number of employers who draw a hard line of Do Not Employ Women Between 40-60 Due To Menopause Related Issues.

How do you get that from Miranda65's comment ?

All sorts of ailments, illnesses, disabilities, and life circumstances can have impacts on all of our lives.

Some people like to talk about them - in a 'let me tell you what is happening in my life at the moment' way with someone close to them. All good. I'd definitely listen and support a friend going though anything.
Some people like to do some awareness raising - particularly of symptoms they didn't know led to a diagnosis they, or a loved on later received. Excellent. I'm fully on board with that.
Some people just like to moan. They will moan about anything. There are some people who are 'glass half empty people' and they can be draining.
Some people like to make everything about them.

Some people, even if they are going through difficulties themselves, like to be distracted from that, or even cheered up for a couple of hours by talking about 'anything but their condition'.

We can all understand impact, whilst deciding we don't want to make it our whole lives.

It was never mentioned. Neither were periods or sex (I'm in my 60s).

Nothing. I moved away from my home area aged 19, so never spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother after that and I'd never had much to do with my paternal grandmother.

My mum had a fully hysterectomy in her early 30's so I grew up hearing her complain about the severe hot flushes she suffered from then until her late 50's, when they suddenly stopped.

But personally, peri almost totally passed me by. I had regular periods until age 57, but my only peri symptom was heavier and slightly longer than usual periods for a while--easily/comfortably managed with period pants, washable pads and a mooncup, all used simultaneously.

I had no hot flushes, forgetfulness or anything else women can suffer from during peri, so maybe my grandmother was the same and there was literally nothing to talk about.

Nothing. Perimenopause seems to be a fairly recent thing.

And If I was a young woman I would be terrified. While I think it good that this is finally being talked about and the shame and stigma is being tackled there are so many horror stories out there. Every other celeb seems to be on a podcast talking about the hell they are going through and a lot of stuff about perimenopause on Instagram paints it as a cataclysmic process. If I was in my 30's i would be scared and thinking I was heading towards a life event that was going to destroy my body and my mind. I know that many women have a rotten time and that in the past women suffered in silence much to the detriment of their wellbeing but I would like to see a more nuanced approach which educates and informs

I’m 54 and my mum told me that for her, menopause was a relief not to have periods and (in not so many words) she went off sex!
She had incredibly heavy periods and was anaemic as a result so I expect it was a relief.
Having said that, she thought I was ‘the change’ as she had me at 42!

Nothing at all. However I did learn from my mother to get HRT as she didn’t and she was a FUCKING NIGHTMARE. And that’s being kind.

My mother, who had more internalised misogyny than you could shake a stick at, once said she hadn't even noticed going through 'the change'. She was certainly unable to offer any proper advice about perimenopause or menopause because she had been brainwashed into thinking it was just women making a fuss about nothing. As a PP noted earlier in this thread, her bitchy screaming at me over something that wasn't my fault when I was a teenager must have been a personality trait, then.

I'm wondering why you jumped in here but I see you were the poster she agreed with. It's very easy to get that from her dismissive tone. Here you again judging what is important to others and what is " moaning".

Similar boat here, @StarlightRobot- tho my mum had her hysterectomy later, when she was in her 70s. But I’m experiencing many of the painful symptoms I think she also had around her 40s and 50s.

Absolutely nothing and she’s not really the kind of mum who talks about personal things .
the only thing she ever said was her doctor didn’t believe in it and hrt wouldn’t do anything .

My mum talked about it a fair bit. She had some medical issues and got very angry about doctors dismissing her and assuming she was menopausal and used to bring my father to appointments to back her up and make sure she got actual treatment and not a condescending head pat.

With retrospect a lot of her issues were related to peri menopause, but still needed more than a head pat.

She was (is) a fierce feminist, and wasn’t inclined to put up and shut up like she was supposed to, and asked questions and brought up discussions with her friends and raised awareness. She loved to share tips and information, and has been a great source of anecdotes.

She says that menopause is a time to take stock of your life and prioritise what was important. She picked up hobbies, widened her circle and, the phrase of the time, “ found herself”. I think my dp’s marriage only survived by inches.

Mostly I was aware of her spectacular rages - entirely justified and really quite awe inspiring though it was best to give her a wide berth.

She also is very enthusiastic about life post-menopause and genuinely feels that it’s a golden period for women which is really encouraging.